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What do I do??


Darkangel97

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Hi guys I'm new and I must say I'm so sorry for all your losses, this truly is one of life's most heartbreaking experiences. 

I don't know whether this will help at all, but taking to people who understand may make it a little easier and bring hope I'll get through this nightmare.

I lost my handsome, caring and funny fiancee 4 months ago, we had been together for 3years and only recently got our own place, cats and dream job after 2 years of going around in circles we had finally made it and we have never been happier, into we went to bed and he suffered a cardiac arrest. I woke up to him making weird noises and I froze, I knew something wasn't right but didn't think he was dying as he was only 20 with no health problems (which we knew of) and hadn't been I'll that night. I only realised how serious the situation was into it was too late. Now i feel so guilty, I keep asking myself why didnt you call an ambulance straight away, maybe he would still be here and I keep getting visions back to that night and think why didn't you know, this never happens. He truly was my soulmate, if there was a male version of me it was definitely him and now he's gone forever the pain I feel is honestly nothing I've ever felt before. My appetite is slowly coming back although I wish it wasn't as I just wanna get really I'll and sleep forever. Why is this so hard??? Do use guys believe in the afterlife?? I had a dream about a month after he passed where he was came to me and cuddled me as I begged him to stay It felt so real and not like a dream at all and woke up sobbing my heart out has anyone else experienced this?:(:(

 

 

 

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I am so sorry for your loss.  I am new to this myself as many are here but I found that peoples words here have provided me comfort and advice on how to cope.  I have replayed the days leading up to my girlfriends death daily for the last three weeks and the one thing I have learned is you can't blame yourself.   It is easy to think you could have done more and easy to make yourself the scapegoat for why such a tragedy has to happen but it won't help you and it won't bring him back.  

I do not believe in an afterlife as I have had to much loss in my life at 37 to have much faith in god but my belief is irrelevant to what yours may be.  Whatever gives you comfort on this earth is the path you should choose. 

I have had many dreams involving my girlfriend these last few weeks from the benign such as everyday routines to the tragic replaying of events.   Listen to everyone here.  They have wonderful advice on how to get past each day and are genuine honest and good people.  I had a very hard time making my first post as I am sure you did.   Reaching out is the hardest part.  We will all get thru this grief we all feel together.  

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Hi to you both.

11/17/17 here, totally unexpected. Just shy of 30 years old.

My world collapsed that day.

I believe in the afterlife and have felt closer to him -- there's a school of thought that says dreams are visitations. Since then, I've "set the intention" of seeing him in my dreams and that has connected me to him.

The only thing keeping me going is knowing that one day I'll be with him again, and that until then, he's waiting for me on the other side of life. There is no way they can be in h-ll because that's the life we're currently living.

 

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55 minutes ago, floyd11554 said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am new to this myself as many are here but I found that peoples words here have provided me comfort and advice on how to cope.  I have replayed the days leading up to my girlfriends death daily for the last three weeks and the one thing I have learned is you can't blame yourself.   It is easy to think you could have done more and easy to make yourself the scapegoat for why such a tragedy has to happen but it won't help you and it won't bring him back.  

I do not believe in an afterlife as I have had to much loss in my life at 37 to have much faith in god but my belief is irrelevant to what yours may be.  Whatever gives you comfort on this earth is the path you should choose. 

I have had many dreams involving my girlfriend these last few weeks from the benign such as everyday routines to the tragic replaying of events.   Listen to everyone here.  They have wonderful advice on how to get past each day and are genuine honest and good people.  I had a very hard time making my first post as I am sure you did.   Reaching out is the hardest part.  We will all get thru this grief we all feel together.  

Thanks for replying! I'm so sorry for both of your losses, it surely is a club you never ever want to join or even wish on your worst enemy. I wish I couldn't blame myself but truth is I probably will for the rest of my life, just can't get it out of my head what I should or could have done and perhaps changed the outcome. Did any of your dreams seem real?? I've only dreamt of him  3 times, and only one seemed real. I'm hoping this will bring a little bit of comfort as everyone else expects me to be over it already, so hopefully people who get it will.be better support than my own family and friends!

Lovingstill, have you had many dreams of your love?? I just don't think I can go the rest of my life without his love, I could be alive several decades before I get to see him again:(. The quicker death comes the better as I sure don't want to live in this hell any longer.

 

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3 hours ago, Darkangel97 said:

Thanks for replying! I'm so sorry for both of your losses, it surely is a club you never ever want to join or even wish on your worst enemy. I wish I couldn't blame myself but truth is I probably will for the rest of my life, just can't get it out of my head what I should or could have done and perhaps changed the outcome. Did any of your dreams seem real?? I've only dreamt of him  3 times, and only one seemed real. I'm hoping this will bring a little bit of comfort as everyone else expects me to be over it already, so hopefully people who get it will.be better support than my own family and friends!

Lovingstill, have you had many dreams of your love?? I just don't think I can go the rest of my life without his love, I could be alive several decades before I get to see him again:(. The quicker death comes the better as I sure don't want to live in this hell any longer.

 

Anyone around you who is expecting you to be over it already after 4 months must have never experienced any kind of traumatic loss. That is just ridiculous to think that you are supposed to just wake up and suddenly everything would be forgotten.  No one can give a timetable to anyone on when they should get over any situation like yours.  It is not fair to you and does you a disservice and gives you terrible advice on how to handle this.  This place will be a much better outlet as far as support goes than it sounds like you are currently getting.

Dreams definitely do seem real I think also cause you want them to be real so bad.  It brings her or in your case him back to you even if it is not reality.   It is a temporary comfort zone but then I wake up and remember that it is not real and I have to find a way to go about my day still.

One more thing,  please don't think that your live is not worth living now and that it would be better if death finds you quicker as you put it.  You have a long life ahead of you and his memory will always live in your heart, mind, and soul but you will feel happiness again one day.  I keep telling myself that and it helps get me thru the day easier cause I know she would not want me to spend my life miserable every day and she would want me to be happy.  If you need someone to talk to cause you are having those thoughts of life in that way please reach out to someone whether outside of here or on here.   Your life is worth living, don't think otherwise and don't let anyone else make you think otherwise.  

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6 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

Anyone around you who is expecting you to be over it already after 4 months must have never experienced any kind of traumatic loss. That is just ridiculous to think that you are supposed to just wake up and suddenly everything would be forgotten.  No one can give a timetable to anyone on when they should get over any situation like yours.  It is not fair to you and does you a disservice and gives you terrible advice on how to handle this.  This place will be a much better outlet as far as support goes than it sounds like you are currently getting.

Dreams definitely do seem real I think also cause you want them to be real so bad.  It brings her or in your case him back to you even if it is not reality.   It is a temporary comfort zone but then I wake up and remember that it is not real and I have to find a way to go about my day still.

One more thing,  please don't think that your live is not worth living now and that it would be better if death finds you quicker as you put it.  You have a long life ahead of you and his memory will always live in your heart, mind, and soul but you will feel happiness again one day.  I keep telling myself that and it helps get me thru the day easier cause I know she would not want me to spend my life miserable every day and she would want me to be happy.  If you need someone to talk to cause you are having those thoughts of life in that way please reach out to someone whether outside of here or on here.   Your life is worth living, don't think otherwise and don't let anyone else make you think otherwise.  

I know, i think if this happened to you im sure you wouldnt be happy after 4 months, im quite lucky i have my fiances mum as she has been amazing since shes lost her son she kind of gets it more than others the pain i feel and off course all you guys here, others can only imagine it.

That is very true...maybe we just want it so much it really does seem real but it feels more like a memory than a dream i had, i so wish he did come to see me. Did you have any signs from her?

I know, there will be light at the end of the tunnel but its just the thought of having to live so many years without him, noone will be able to compare to him and when i evantually in years meet someone they will always be second best in my mind. I just dont know what to do. Why did such a nightmare have to occur?

How are you feeling???

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19 minutes ago, Darkangel97 said:

I know, i think if this happened to you im sure you wouldnt be happy after 4 months, im quite lucky i have my fiances mum as she has been amazing since shes lost her son she kind of gets it more than others the pain i feel and off course all you guys here, others can only imagine it.

That is very true...maybe we just want it so much it really does seem real but it feels more like a memory than a dream i had, i so wish he did come to see me. Did you have any signs from her?

I know, there will be light at the end of the tunnel but its just the thought of having to live so many years without him, noone will be able to compare to him and when i evantually in years meet someone they will always be second best in my mind. I just dont know what to do. Why did such a nightmare have to occur?

How are you feeling???

I can't even comprehend four months from now.  It is three weeks to the day since I found her in her apartment.  Time is of the essence though, doesn't matter how long it has been, there is no script for this.  i don't think I will be any different four months from now than I am four days from now.  I am just trying like all of us to get by day by day, even hour by hour at this point.  

I am not one to believe in signs but a few days after she passed I remember being in Rite Aid and standing on line and looking over and seeing calendars for 2018.  And there was one for yoga dogs which is such a ridiculous concept.  Having said that, she was huge into yoga and a vet tech who loved dogs immensely so I was just like, really?   What were the odds?  Is that a sign, I don't know, but you tend to notice the abstract and unusual more in these situations.

I can't explain why did such a nightmare occur, I have been asking myself that for the last seven years.  My mom gone in 2011, my father in 2016, and now the love of my life in 2018.  There are no explanations or rationalizations that can justify any of it or make sense.  We just have to move on and cherish the ones that are still around us and those that we meet.  We are still flesh and blood and alive the ones we loved would want us to continue on.  

How am I feeling?  Well its 6:30am and I am still awake.  Not uncommon for me lately at all.  I hard enough of a hard time sleeping before things, now its impossible without alcohol helping me fall asleep.  Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.  That is all we can do.  

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5 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

Its coming up that you said my message but somehow it deleted and wouldnt let me quote it like the other messages.

I can imagine your still in shock and numb, apart of me knows hes never going to come back now but another part of me still cant believe hes really really gone. Just remember to eat something and try and sleep well as grief is exhausting without adding that to the mix and you cant imagine 4 months from now but somehow it comes so very quickly around i think its the shock and the company of everyone.

We just have to take day by day as our whole worlds have blow up in our faces and we feel so lost and That could be a sign from her, as iv never seen a calender like that before in my life but then i dont know whether we just look for signs and we make ourselfs believe its a sign. Im so so sorry for all your losses, life really isnt fair at all. How did you cope with there deaths?.  I know they would want us to carry on but i just know whether i want to or mentally can. In them first few weeks i couldnt sleep, eat or anything and now i want to sleep all the time as i feel physically and mentally drained. I just want my old life back, the old me and off course my fiance:(.  

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Darkangel,

Yes I believe in afterlife, we are energy and it doesn't die, just changes form.  People may have varying views on what that means but we found each other once, I believe wholeheartedly we will be together again.  I take it on faith, the same way we started our relationship to begin with.

No one would expect to lose their mate so young, please try not to beat yourself up over what you couldn't possibly have known.  I remember feeling I couldn't live a week without my husband, let alone the whole rest of my life, but here I am 12 1/2 years later, somehow doing it.  He was everything to me, my soul mate, my best friend.  I wrote this article based on what I've learned in the last twelve year journey and want to share it with you in the hopes you will find something, anything, in it that will be of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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1 hour ago, Darkangel97 said:
7 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

Its coming up that you said my message but somehow it deleted and wouldnt let me quote it like the other messages.

I can imagine your still in shock and numb, apart of me knows hes never going to come back now but another part of me still cant believe hes really really gone. Just remember to eat something and try and sleep well as grief is exhausting without adding that to the mix and you cant imagine 4 months from now but somehow it comes so very quickly around i think its the shock and the company of everyone.

We just have to take day by day as our whole worlds have blow up in our faces and we feel so lost and That could be a sign from her, as iv never seen a calender like that before in my life but then i dont know whether we just look for signs and we make ourselfs believe its a sign. Im so so sorry for all your losses, life really isnt fair at all. How did you cope with there deaths?.  I know they would want us to carry on but i just know whether i want to or mentally can. In them first few weeks i couldnt sleep, eat or anything and now i want to sleep all the time as i feel physically and mentally drained. I just want my old life back, the old me and off course my fiance:(.  

That is true.  I can't believe it has been three weeks already.  It is like time goes so slow and seems to take forever but at the same time  zips by you without blinking.  Could be a bit of both with the signs.  It is not something we will ever known but I am sure we look for them cause we want them to still be with us so bad.  Coping with my parents was very different than this.  My mom was very sudden so that has taken years to cope with but my father was ill and older so it was more like now he can be at peace and no longer in pain kind of thing.  This is on a whole other level as she was only 37.  That is the part where life is just horribly unfair.  When i couldn't reach her I would have preferred she was just out with another man.  At least she would still be on this earth.  

Are you able to go out at all and be with friends?   Do you find things to keep you busy and occupy your mind?

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Yes, the signs are real and they're from our loved ones. My beloved had a practice of sending me "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran when I was really down at the beginning (two months now). Lately, I've felt him more closely myself. Since his passing, I've become a lot more spiritual and I've worked on trying to connect with him myself. Today, I swear, he told me a joke. I just felt it. I know he's around, and I'll love him always.

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16 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

That is true.  I can't believe it has been three weeks already.  It is like time goes so slow and seems to take forever but at the same time  zips by you without blinking.  Could be a bit of both with the signs.  It is not something we will ever known but I am sure we look for them cause we want them to still be with us so bad.  Coping with my parents was very different than this.  My mom was very sudden so that has taken years to cope with but my father was ill and older so it was more like now he can be at peace and no longer in pain kind of thing.  This is on a whole other level as she was only 37.  That is the part where life is just horribly unfair.  When i couldn't reach her I would have preferred she was just out with another man.  At least she would still be on this earth.  

Are you able to go out at all and be with friends?   Do you find things to keep you busy and occupy your mind?

Exactly it feels so slow yet times fly by. Talking about signs, i had one today which was no doubt him. I was laying in the sofa and i heard so vividly 'amber'  i lit shot up thinking it was someone there but everyone was still in bed. Exactly, it is so tragic to lose someone so young when they had there whole lives still infront of them, would you say this grief is different to your parents . All my friends who have been through a break up thinks its almost the same, yet they have no idea. We will never ever see them again nor ever ever get the chance to be together again. With a break up theres always a chance use can and there still alive!!  I dont want to be with my friends, they have offered but i dont want/cant just sit there and act like everythings fine. Iv spent alot of the time with my in laws and family as they understand and we can actually talk. Tbh the first few months i couldnt concentrate or focus on anything however now i can actually be able to play games or focus on the tv which can take my mind off it abit. Have you been able to take your mind of it at all?

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9 hours ago, lovingstill said:

Yes, the signs are real and they're from our loved ones. My beloved had a practice of sending me "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran when I was really down at the beginning (two months now). Lately, I've felt him more closely myself. Since his passing, I've become a lot more spiritual and I've worked on trying to connect with him myself. Today, I swear, he told me a joke. I just felt it. I know he's around, and I'll love him always.

I think i believe in signs now. As my mother in law heard mum the other day and today i heard amber so clearly that i looked up and thought someone was there but nothing. Do you feel like your connecting with him, id love to learn how to do so, we will forever love our partners.

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17 hours ago, KayC said:

Darkangel,

Yes I believe in afterlife, we are energy and it doesn't die, just changes form.  People may have varying views on what that means but we found each other once, I believe wholeheartedly we will be together again.  I take it on faith, the same way we started our relationship to begin with.

No one would expect to lose their mate so young, please try not to beat yourself up over what you couldn't possibly have known.  I remember feeling I couldn't live a week without my husband, let alone the whole rest of my life, but here I am 12 1/2 years later, somehow doing it.  He was everything to me, my soul mate, my best friend.  I wrote this article based on what I've learned in the last twelve year journey and want to share it with you in the hopes you will find something, anything, in it that will be of help to you.

 

I do believe in the afterlife as iv been to a median and so has my mum and they have said things which noone would know, i just wanted other peoples views on the afterlife. 

Its just so incredibly sad that this has happened. He was my whole world, i worshipped the ground he walked on and would have done anything for him. I just cant help but think of the what ifs. I know ill get through it as we have no other choice but i just want to wake up from this nightmare. Thank you, i hope your okay and well! 

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1 hour ago, Darkangel97 said:

I think i believe in signs now. As my mother in law heard mum the other day and today i heard amber so clearly that i looked up and thought someone was there but nothing. Do you feel like your connecting with him, id love to learn how to do so, we will forever love our partners.

There are meditations that can help. I’m not much of a meditator, but if you clear your mind, it pulls them closer. I found out after he passed that I have mediumistic abilities but I can’t summon people. If someone needs a message, I usually get it...for whatever reason, my dear beloved doesn’t come to me much in that way but he does when I do the meditations. I think he’s saving himself for his birthday which is forthcoming. 

 

theres a lot more — PM me. 

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7 hours ago, Darkangel97 said:

Exactly it feels so slow yet times fly by. Talking about signs, i had one today which was no doubt him. I was laying in the sofa and i heard so vividly 'amber'  i lit shot up thinking it was someone there but everyone was still in bed. Exactly, it is so tragic to lose someone so young when they had there whole lives still infront of them, would you say this grief is different to your parents . All my friends who have been through a break up thinks its almost the same, yet they have no idea. We will never ever see them again nor ever ever get the chance to be together again. With a break up theres always a chance use can and there still alive!!  I dont want to be with my friends, they have offered but i dont want/cant just sit there and act like everythings fine. Iv spent alot of the time with my in laws and family as they understand and we can actually talk. Tbh the first few months i couldnt concentrate or focus on anything however now i can actually be able to play games or focus on the tv which can take my mind off it abit. Have you been able to take your mind of it at all?

It is absolutely different to my parents.  I don't want to diminish one type of grief over the other but it has a totally different process to it.  I think in our minds it is because at some point we expect to lose our parents as we age.  I just lost them much earlier than I thought I would.  My mother was only 64 and my father was 76.   My mother was much more sudden and took much longer to move past.  My father was almost a sense of relief that he no longer had to suffer and can be at peace.   These type of losses of losing our partners and someone who we thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives with hit in a much different way.  Losing my girlfriend 22 days ago was like taking a bullet to my heart that the doctors can't remove.  

I completely agree that this is nothing like a break up and again anyone who thinks so hasn't suffered any kind of traumatic loss.  Going out with your friends can provide a good distraction though.   Sometimes a night where you don't think about anything and pretend everything is fine can be therapeutic.  At least for a brief moment you try to get back to some normalcy.  Those are the nights I have actually found it the easiest.  It is the multiple nights in a row that I sit in my apartment lonely looking at all the memories we built that cause me to break down the most.  Last night at 2:30 the movie Little Monsters was on some random tv channel and just because it was a silly movie that we both loved I completely lost it.  I find that the more we can occupy our time with anything that can be a distraction a good thing.  I started going to the movie theater solo just because it was something we didn't really do together so it is the perfect thing to take my mind off of things for a few short hours.  

I would suggest not to abandon your friends.  Even just spending a few hours listening to their mundane problems while I understand can be annoying can also provide a good distraction for a few hours.   Keep your mind busy as much as possible.  

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18 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

It is absolutely different to my parents.  I don't want to diminish one type of grief over the other but it has a totally different process to it.  I think in our minds it is because at some point we expect to lose our parents as we age.  I just lost them much earlier than I thought I would.  My mother was only 64 and my father was 76.   My mother was much more sudden and took much longer to move past.  My father was almost a sense of relief that he no longer had to suffer and can be at peace.   These type of losses of losing our partners and someone who we thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives with hit in a much different way.  Losing my girlfriend 22 days ago was like taking a bullet to my heart that the doctors can't remove.  

I completely agree that this is nothing like a break up and again anyone who thinks so hasn't suffered any kind of traumatic loss.  Going out with your friends can provide a good distraction though.   Sometimes a night where you don't think about anything and pretend everything is fine can be therapeutic.  At least for a brief moment you try to get back to some normalcy.  Those are the nights I have actually found it the easiest.  It is the multiple nights in a row that I sit in my apartment lonely looking at all the memories we built that cause me to break down the most.  Last night at 2:30 the movie Little Monsters was on some random tv channel and just because it was a silly movie that we both loved I completely lost it.  I find that the more we can occupy our time with anything that can be a distraction a good thing.  I started going to the movie theater solo just because it was something we didn't really do together so it is the perfect thing to take my mind off of things for a few short hours.  

I would suggest not to abandon your friends.  Even just spending a few hours listening to their mundane problems while I understand can be annoying can also provide a good distraction for a few hours.   Keep your mind busy as much as possible.  

Different losses hit us differently and it doesn't mean your parents didn't mean much to you, but we expect to lose our parents someday, we don't expect to lose our partner, especially so young!  When people are real young their loss of parent often hits them harder than it does when we are older and more established in our lives.  So many factors affect our grief, things such as how much the person was in our life, did we see them everyday, how often were our interactions, the depth of the love, our hopes and dreams, finances and chores division, you name it, it affects it.  So try not to compare or worry, the loss you are feeling and the grief you are experiencing is right on for where you are in your journey.

The points you make about distraction are valid.  It's not good to distract to the point of avoidance, we do need to feel our pain and experience our grief, that's how we process it, but we also need breaks, no matter how small, reminders that we still have life, that there are people who care about us that are with us still.  I've even heard of some who "schedule their grief"...setting aside a period of time every night to grieve.  I never did that, grief was with me all the time, if I could escape it for a moment I was lucky.  Even now, 2 1/2 years later, although I rarely cry, I miss my George each and every day and everything is a reminder to me of him.  I've learned to live with it, I'm functional, but he will never be absent from me as I live with it.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

Different losses hit us differently and it doesn't mean your parents didn't mean much to you, but we expect to lose our parents someday, we don't expect to lose our partner, especially so young!  When people are real young their loss of parent often hits them harder than it does when we are older and more established in our lives.  So many factors affect our grief, things such as how much the person was in our life, did we see them everyday, how often were our interactions, the depth of the love, our hopes and dreams, finances and chores division, you name it, it affects it.  So try not to compare or worry, the loss you are feeling and the grief you are experiencing is right on for where you are in your journey.

The points you make about distraction are valid.  It's not good to distract to the point of avoidance, we do need to feel our pain and experience our grief, that's how we process it, but we also need breaks, no matter how small, reminders that we still have life, that there are people who care about us that are with us still.  I've even heard of some who "schedule their grief"...setting aside a period of time every night to grieve.  I never did that, grief was with me all the time, if I could escape it for a moment I was lucky.  Even now, 2 1/2 years later, although I rarely cry, I miss my George each and every day and everything is a reminder to me of him.  I've learned to live with it, I'm functional, but he will never be absent from me as I live with it.

Thank you for your words as always.  I don't compare them individually so much but to the struggle I have with why everyone closest to me has been taken from me just in the last seven years.   I even joked to my friend the other day that he should wrap himself in bubble wrap and hide at this point.   So many have come to me with thoughts and prayers and I just don't even know how to respond.  I have no belief in god and I know they say it to comfort me but if god was real and this was his best work then he should have been fired a long time ago.

I can't imagine scheduling my grief as like you it is a constant.  It is more like trying to schedule something to take your mind off the grief that makes more sense to me.   Maybe I will feel different as more time passes.  I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you carry it with you daily still even over two years later.  He will always live on in your heart and your heart has been sharing beautiful words to everyone here on how to cope.  

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On 1/25/2018 at 3:44 PM, Darkangel97 said:

 

Hi guys I'm new and I must say I'm so sorry for all your losses, this truly is one of life's most heartbreaking experiences. 

I don't know whether this will help at all, but taking to people who understand may make it a little easier and bring hope I'll get through this nightmare.

I lost my handsome, caring and funny fiancee 4 months ago, we had been together for 3years and only recently got our own place, cats and dream job after 2 years of going around in circles we had finally made it and we have never been happier, into we went to bed and he suffered a cardiac arrest. I woke up to him making weird noises and I froze, I knew something wasn't right but didn't think he was dying as he was only 20 with no health problems (which we knew of) and hadn't been I'll that night. I only realised how serious the situation was into it was too late. Now i feel so guilty, I keep asking myself why didnt you call an ambulance straight away, maybe he would still be here and I keep getting visions back to that night and think why didn't you know, this never happens. He truly was my soulmate, if there was a male version of me it was definitely him and now he's gone forever the pain I feel is honestly nothing I've ever felt before. My appetite is slowly coming back although I wish it wasn't as I just wanna get really I'll and sleep forever. Why is this so hard??? Do use guys believe in the afterlife?? I had a dream about a month after he passed where he was came to me and cuddled me as I begged him to stay It felt so real and not like a dream at all and woke up sobbing my heart out has anyone else experienced this?:(:(

 

 

 

Darkangel97,  

It's heartbreaking to hear your story.  Like you, my wife and I had just established our life together with things just settling down and getting up and running strong.  Then, all of a sudden, the nightmare happened and I'm here today.   There's no explanation to this stuff and it is a total tragedy.   My wife wasn't 20 but we  are in our 30s.  I don't know how this stuff can happen to us.

The afterlife does exist...  I've had so many signs and other profound experiences.   I do still communicate with my wife and yes she does drop in quite often.     But to get these experiences, you really have to believe it.  You have to set your intentions and ask for help from your spirit guides and angels.     There are plenty of documentaries and videos on the afterlife... i would research afterlife, near death experiences, after death communications.......  and then get into meditation.   The meditation will really help you get in tune with your inner self. 

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On 1/26/2018 at 2:20 PM, floyd11554 said:

That is true.  I can't believe it has been three weeks already.  It is like time goes so slow and seems to take forever but at the same time  zips by you without blinking.  Could be a bit of both with the signs.  It is not something we will ever known but I am sure we look for them cause we want them to still be with us so bad.  Coping with my parents was very different than this.  My mom was very sudden so that has taken years to cope with but my father was ill and older so it was more like now he can be at peace and no longer in pain kind of thing.  This is on a whole other level as she was only 37.  That is the part where life is just horribly unfair.  When i couldn't reach her I would have preferred she was just out with another man.  At least she would still be on this earth.  

Are you able to go out at all and be with friends?   Do you find things to keep you busy and occupy your mind?

Floyd,

The part where you say you “would have preferred if she was out with another man” really resonated with me. I too think to myself “I wish such and such would have happened and I don’t care how hurt I would feel, at least he would still be alive (and it would never compare to the pain of having lost him). 

I am so sorry for your loss and I am even more heartbroken for the fact that you found her in her apartment. I also found my boyfriend in his apartment two days after he had passed. Nothing will ever take that pain away. 

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19 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

Thank you for your words as always.  I don't compare them individually so much but to the struggle I have with why everyone closest to me has been taken from me just in the last seven years.   I even joked to my friend the other day that he should wrap himself in bubble wrap and hide at this point.   So many have come to me with thoughts and prayers and I just don't even know how to respond.  I have no belief in god and I know they say it to comfort me but if god was real and this was his best work then he should have been fired a long time ago.

I can't imagine scheduling my grief as like you it is a constant.  It is more like trying to schedule something to take your mind off the grief that makes more sense to me.   Maybe I will feel different as more time passes.  I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you carry it with you daily still even over two years later.  He will always live on in your heart and your heart has been sharing beautiful words to everyone here on how to cope.  

It's been 12 1/2 years, not two, but yeah, it's daily the rest of our lives, but I don't want that to scare you because our grief evolves, it doesn't stay in the intensity you know it to be right now.  We do have to put in our grief work, it takes a lot of time and effort to make our way through this.  I look at the changes in Azipod and I know it's because he's putting in the effort.

I realize God isn't actively "in charge" of this world right now, so I guess I don't expect intervention, but I also realize it's hard because we feel if He's God He should be able to so why isn't He?  I only know the next world will be better without the endings we endure here and I'm glad my faith helps me through this, I can't imagine it without that hope.  It is common for your faith to be thrown for a loop and to challenge everything you've ever thought or believed in, such is the impact grief has on us, myself included.  I tell people not to worry about it, if their faith is real, it'll come back to them in due time.  It takes so long to process this all, so long to make our way through it, I've just learned not to worry about my feelings, but to take a day at a time, that's about all any of us has room to handle anyway.

I think you're right about scheduling distractions, that makes more sense to me too!!

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13 hours ago, nicoleashley94 said:

Floyd,

The part where you say you “would have preferred if she was out with another man” really resonated with me. I too think to myself “I wish such and such would have happened and I don’t care how hurt I would feel, at least he would still be alive (and it would never compare to the pain of having lost him). 

I am so sorry for your loss and I am even more heartbroken for the fact that you found her in her apartment. I also found my boyfriend in his apartment two days after he had passed. Nothing will ever take that pain away. 

I am terribly sorry for your loss.  I know how I felt and I can't imagine how you dealt with it as well.   It is almost exactly the same way I found her.  I am pretty sure she passed two days earlier but I didn't get to her till that Friday.  I am still waiting on the actual cause of death.   

We've all experienced hurt from a relationship ending one way or the other that gave us a broken heart but I would trade that in a heartbeat just so she could still be walking this earth.  Even if it wasn't with me at least she would have her life.   She had so many decades to live still and such goals that she wanted to achieve.  It is just not fair.  it is not fair for any of us on here who have lost the ones that meant the most to us and gave us light every day.  

 

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10 hours ago, KayC said:

It's been 12 1/2 years, not two, but yeah, it's daily the rest of our lives, but I don't want that to scare you because our grief evolves, it doesn't stay in the intensity you know it to be right now.  We do have to put in our grief work, it takes a lot of time and effort to make our way through this.  I look at the changes in Azipod and I know it's because he's putting in the effort.

I realize God isn't actively "in charge" of this world right now, so I guess I don't expect intervention, but I also realize it's hard because we feel if He's God He should be able to so why isn't He?  I only know the next world will be better without the endings we endure here and I'm glad my faith helps me through this, I can't imagine it without that hope.  It is common for your faith to be thrown for a loop and to challenge everything you've ever thought or believed in, such is the impact grief has on us, myself included.  I tell people not to worry about it, if their faith is real, it'll come back to them in due time.  It takes so long to process this all, so long to make our way through it, I've just learned not to worry about my feelings, but to take a day at a time, that's about all any of us has room to handle anyway.

I think you're right about scheduling distractions, that makes more sense to me too!!

The thing is that I didn't have any faith before this.  I'm agnostic borderline atheist.  If anything it has only reaffirmed my beliefs even further of how I perceived things.  I applaud those that do and use that to help them through their daily lives and find comfort.  I am in no position to ever tell anyone how and what to believe.  That is just not for me though and it never will be.  

I do absolutely agree that this process will evolve and I have to put in the effort to find my way through it all.  Talking with everyone here has been a great help as I don't have many people to talk about with it here and no one really that understands and has experienced this type of loss.  

Today was my first day back at work, perfect distraction for 9 hours.  

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1 hour ago, floyd11554 said:

I am terribly sorry for your loss.  I know how I felt and I can't imagine how you dealt with it as well.   It is almost exactly the same way I found her.  I am pretty sure she passed two days earlier but I didn't get to her till that Friday.  I am still waiting on the actual cause of death.   

We've all experienced hurt from a relationship ending one way or the other that gave us a broken heart but I would trade that in a heartbeat just so she could still be walking this earth.  Even if it wasn't with me at least she would have her life.   She had so many decades to live still and such goals that she wanted to achieve.  It is just not fair.  it is not fair for any of us on here who have lost the ones that meant the most to us and gave us light every day.  

 

Thank you. Yes I had not heard from him for two days - I stupidly thought he was mad at me (which is not like him at all). I actually had a dream he was being ripped apart from laying with me by some entity, and I woke up in a panic. I checked my phone and saw he had texted me an hour prior and after that he never texted me again. I am 100% certain that I felt him leave this earth during my dream, especially with when the coroner deciphered was his time of death.

I know how hard it can be waiting around to rule out certain things about the death, for in my case we did not know with certainty what drug he had overdosed on and it turned out he was sold pure fentanyl. He was just 22 years old, and it pains me that he will never live out his dreams -big or small, or have children. I don’t even make it about me and how sad I am that he isn’t here with me (although that is devastating enough) I just feel heartbroken his life was robbed. It is just so unfair. I loved him so. 

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2 minutes ago, nicoleashley94 said:

I just feel heartbroken his life was robbed. It is just so unfair. I loved him so. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain.   This is a terrible journey for all of us.   For me, I felt that the life robbed me of my life as well as that of my wife's.  It's all terrible.

 

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13 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain.   This is a terrible journey for all of us.   For me, I felt that the life robbed me of my life as well as that of my wife's.  It's all terrible.

 

Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss and your pain as well. There are many days where I feel sad for me and what is now missing from my life too, don’t get me wrong. You are right. It is all terrible.

 

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20 minutes ago, nicoleashley94 said:

Thank you. Yes I had not heard from him for two days - I stupidly thought he was mad at me (which is not like him at all). I actually had a dream he was being ripped apart from laying with me by some entity, and I woke up in a panic. I checked my phone and saw he had texted me an hour prior and after that he never texted me again. I am 100% certain that I felt him leave this earth during my dream, especially with when the coroner deciphered was his time of death.

I know how hard it can be waiting around to rule out certain things about the death, for in my case we did not know with certainty what drug he had overdosed on and it turned out he was sold pure fentanyl. He was just 22 years old, and it pains me that he will never live out his dreams -big or small, or have children. I don’t even make it about me and how sad I am that he isn’t here with me (although that is devastating enough) I just feel heartbroken his life was robbed. It is just so unfair. I loved him so. 

It is ridiculous how similar out situations are.  i didn't hear from her either for two days.  The last text I got was I am home with the flu that Wednesday afternoon.  I knew Thursday when I didn't hear from her something was wrong.  We got dumped with 18 inches of snow that day and I couldn't really do anything plus I thought maybe her phone died or she lost power since we were having a major winter storm.  She was supposed to start a new job that night in an er vet hospital so I thought I thought maybe I would hear from her then.  I had an uneasy bad feeling all day and then first thing Friday morning went over to her place and saw her car untouched and the path by her apartment untouched meaning she never walked her dogs.  I knew then and when I saw her through the window I knew it was real before the cops even broke down the door.  

I completely sympathize with your thought process, she was only 37, not as young but still way too soon to be taken.   I am so sorry for everything you have had to go through.  Like Azipod said we have been robbed of our lives and it just hurts more than words can describe.  

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7 minutes ago, nicoleashley94 said:

Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss and your pain as well. There are many days where I feel sad for me and what is now missing from my life too, don’t get me wrong. You are right. It is all terrible.

Sadly, I think the sadness will continue indefinitely....  There will always be a hole or otherwise void, in our hearts.

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2 minutes ago, floyd11554 said:

I completely sympathize with your thought process, she was only 37, not as young but still way too soon to be taken.   I am so sorry for everything you have had to go through.  Like Azipod said we have been robbed of our lives and it just hurts more than words can describe.  

39 was my wife's age and so is mine.   Give me 4 more decades and I still won't be 80.  What the heck am I going to do with the rest of my life????

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1 minute ago, Azipod said:

39 was my wife's age and so is mine.   Give me 4 more decades and I still won't be 80.  What the heck am I going to do with the rest of my life????

I think that will be figured out, it just won't be what any of us thought it would be which just adds to the pain.   

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10 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

It is ridiculous how similar out situations are.  i didn't hear from her either for two days.  The last text I got was I am home with the flu that Wednesday afternoon.  I knew Thursday when I didn't hear from her something was wrong.  We got dumped with 18 inches of snow that day and I couldn't really do anything plus I thought maybe her phone died or she lost power since we were having a major winter storm.  She was supposed to start a new job that night in an er vet hospital so I thought I thought maybe I would hear from her then.  I had an uneasy bad feeling all day and then first thing Friday morning went over to her place and saw her car untouched and the path by her apartment untouched meaning she never walked her dogs.  I knew then and when I saw her through the window I knew it was real before the cops even broke down the door.  

I completely sympathize with your thought process, she was only 37, not as young but still way too soon to be taken.   I am so sorry for everything you have had to go through.  Like Azipod said we have been robbed of our lives and it just hurts more than words can describe.  

It is quite crazy how similar our situations are and I find comfort in that and feel a bit less alone. I appreciate your openness and sharing with us, and with me. I also thought my boyfriend was sick- he said he was so I believed him and I attributed that to his off behavior. Little did I know. There are just so much guilt and “what ifs” I carry within me and I’m not sure much could ever change that. 

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My heart goes out to you all, knowing there's so much pain, and somehow your being so young seems to multiply it, it's just so damned unfair!

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1 hour ago, nicoleashley94 said:

. There are just so much guilt and “what ifs” I carry within me and I’m not sure much could ever change that. 

Hi Nicoleashley94.  It's very common to experience survivors guilt in cases like this.  We all go through it.  In fact, I've been improving well over the last few weeks but a part of me keeps saying that this isn't right.... that I shouldn't be well, and that I should continue mourning and that I should continue to feel miserable.  It's normal... and we all go through it in different ways.  But having survivors guilt is very real.     In my support group, we talked about this and agreed that it's best to think about our intentions when we experiencing this guilt.  We should think about the reason why we made the decision that we did.   By looking at things this way, most of us would be able to conclude that our decisions were based on love.   If we concentrate on our intentions, rarely do we conclude that what we did was based on something bad.  I hope this helps you a bit!

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12 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

I think that will be figured out, it just won't be what any of us thought it would be which just adds to the pain.   

It's crazy... isn't it?   I wonder where we will be in a few decades.   It's so sad to even think about it.   We would age, perhaps both mentally and physically.  Yet, all we can picture of our partners were how they were, back in the day when they were in their 30s.   What a crazy feeling!

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

Hi Nicoleashley94.  It's very common to experience survivors guilt in cases like this.  We all go through it.  In fact, I've been improving well over the last few weeks but a part of me keeps saying that this isn't right.... that I shouldn't be well, and that I should continue mourning and that I should continue to feel miserable.  It's normal... and we all go through it in different ways.  But having survivors guilt is very real.     In my support group, we talked about this and agreed that it's best to think about our intentions when we experiencing this guilt.  We should think about the reason why we made the decision that we did.   By looking at things this way, most of us would be able to conclude that our decisions were based on love.   If we concentrate on our intentions, rarely do we conclude that what we did was based on something bad.  I hope this helps you a bit!

Azipod,

Thank you that is helpful advice and I never quite looked at it from that perspective. 

It is still very hard, I actually also blame myself because I went on vacation for a week by myself..and that was when Jake seemed to fall apart and without my knowledge began using again. It’s just all so hard :,( 

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1 minute ago, nicoleashley94 said:

Azipod,

Thank you that is helpful advice and I never quite looked at it from that perspective. 

It is still very hard, I actually also blame myself because I went on vacation for a week by myself..and that was when Jake seemed to fall apart and without my knowledge began using again. It’s just all so hard :,( 

I know.  It's all very difficult.  We also need to be realistic about things.  There is no possible way for us to make the absolute best decision every single moment.  None of us have a crystal ball.  We make decisions based on what we know and what we believe is right in that moment.   With my loss, I've accepted that there are certain things in life that we cannot control.  If we had control, and if we knew something bad was going to happen, I'm sure we all would have opted to do things differently.      I know it's not easy to forgive yourself.   Like other aspects of the grief, this will take time to let go.

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4 hours ago, nicoleashley94 said:

It is quite crazy how similar our situations are and I find comfort in that and feel a bit less alone. I appreciate your openness and sharing with us, and with me. I also thought my boyfriend was sick- he said he was so I believed him and I attributed that to his off behavior. Little did I know. There are just so much guilt and “what ifs” I carry within me and I’m not sure much could ever change that. 

I think the only thing that will ever change that or possibly minimize that is time.  At least I am hoping that for me.  Think of all the mundane things in life that we "what if"  ourselves about and how often we do that.  Then you have what we have gone through and there is no possible way to put that in perspective.  I certainly replay each day that week leading up to finding her in my head every day and it is impossible to turn off.

One thing I would say is that everyone is responsible for their own actions and selves and you can't blame yourself for something your boyfriend was keeping from you.  You are not at fault in any way and you can't beat yourself up for something he was hiding from you.  If he wasn't being honest with you about something like that than I don't know what you could have actually done when you didn't even know it was that serious of an issue to begin with.  You have so much grief to work through and so much already on your plate.  You shouldn't add that to it.  

 

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I know.  It's all very difficult.  We also need to be realistic about things.  There is no possible way for us to make the absolute best decision every single moment.  None of us have a crystal ball.  We make decisions based on what we know and what we believe is right in that moment.   With my loss, I've accepted that there are certain things in life that we cannot control.  If we had control, and if we knew something bad was going to happen, I'm sure we all would have opted to do things differently.      I know it's not easy to forgive yourself.   Like other aspects of the grief, this will take time to let go.

You are right - we do make decisions based upon what we know in that moment. Sometimes I forget that we don’t/can’t possibly know everything at all times. We are all simply human 

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44 minutes ago, floyd11554 said:

I think the only thing that will ever change that or possibly minimize that is time.  At least I am hoping that for me.  Think of all the mundane things in life that we "what if"  ourselves about and how often we do that.  Then you have what we have gone through and there is no possible way to put that in perspective.  I certainly replay each day that week leading up to finding her in my head every day and it is impossible to turn off.

One thing I would say is that everyone is responsible for their own actions and selves and you can't blame yourself for something your boyfriend was keeping from you.  You are not at fault in any way and you can't beat yourself up for something he was hiding from you.  If he wasn't being honest with you about something like that than I don't know what you could have actually done when you didn't even know it was that serious of an issue to begin with.  You have so much grief to work through and so much already on your plate.  You shouldn't add that to it.  

 

I agree, time will help (I hope). I also replay moments exactly as they occurred in my head and it’s been over eight months. I can’t get images out of my head and I hate it, but I cannot change it.  

I guess I do have to be a bit more kind/forgiving to myself. 

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12 minutes ago, nicoleashley94 said:

I agree, time will help (I hope). I also replay moments exactly as they occurred in my head and it’s been over eight months. I can’t get images out of my head and I hate it, but I cannot change it.  

I guess I do have to be a bit more kind/forgiving to myself. 

I think that is something we all struggle with.  It is so easy to blame ourselves and beat ourselves up over what has happened.   I am certainly having issues with that myself.   Not having a lot of people here to really talk about it doesn't help matters much.  It is why this forum has been so helpful cause I can talk to people like yourself who have felt or are feeling everything I am at this exact moment.  

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12 minutes ago, floyd11554 said:

I think that is something we all struggle with.  It is so easy to blame ourselves and beat ourselves up over what has happened.   I am certainly having issues with that myself.   Not having a lot of people here to really talk about it doesn't help matters much.  It is why this forum has been so helpful cause I can talk to people like yourself who have felt or are feeling everything I am at this exact moment.  

I completely understand that too, I don’t have many people to talk about it with either. Beside on here, which makes everything feel a bit better. 

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1 hour ago, nicoleashley94 said:

I completely understand that too, I don’t have many people to talk about it with either. Beside on here, which makes everything feel a bit better. 

It has helped for sure.  Just a place to voice what is going on in my mind in more detail than I can in person with people who don't get it has allowed me to get a lot of things off my chest. 

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20 hours ago, Azipod said:

 In my support group, we talked about this and agreed that it's best to think about our intentions when we experiencing this guilt.  We should think about the reason why we made the decision that we did.   By looking at things this way, most of us would be able to conclude that our decisions were based on love.

Very good point!  George and my relationship was based on faith in each other and our love and we always knew the other's intentions were from a good place of love.  That has helped me a lot even in death to realize that even things we can't talk about or know, we still know that everything we thought, said, or did was good-intentions-based on love.

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16 hours ago, nicoleashley94 said:

we do make decisions based upon what we know in that moment. Sometimes I forget that we don’t/can’t possibly know everything at all times.

Very good point also!  We can't read minds or know the future, we are limited to what we do know when we make a decision and can't be faulted for all of the unknowns.

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On 29/01/2018 at 5:00 AM, Azipod said:

Darkangel97,  

It's heartbreaking to hear your story.  Like you, my wife and I had just established our life together with things just settling down and getting up and running strong.  Then, all of a sudden, the nightmare happened and I'm here today.   There's no explanation to this stuff and it is a total tragedy.   My wife wasn't 20 but we  are in our 30s.  I don't know how this stuff can happen to us.

The afterlife does exist...  I've had so many signs and other profound experiences.   I do still communicate with my wife and yes she does drop in quite often.     But to get these experiences, you really have to believe it.  You have to set your intentions and ask for help from your spirit guides and angels.     There are plenty of documentaries and videos on the afterlife... i would research afterlife, near death experiences, after death communications.......  and then get into meditation.   The meditation will really help you get in tune with your inner self. 

I honestly wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. How life was so good for it to all be taken away and now not only have we lost our soulmates but also our identity as someone who we once died when they died. Someone did suggest meditation but im rather depressed really to be doing that. When im feeling better mentally i think ill have more chance. What if hes angry with me though for not saving him when i poteintially could have, would he still come through??

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2 hours ago, Darkangel97 said:

Someone did suggest meditation but im rather depressed really to be doing that. When im feeling better mentally i think ill have more chance.

Maybe start with really short meditations as a way to help you feel better mentally rather than the other way around.  If we wait until we feel better to try it that may not happen, this is part of the process.

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2 hours ago, Darkangel97 said:

 Someone did suggest meditation but im rather depressed really to be doing that. When im feeling better mentally i think ill have more chance. What if hes angry with me though for not saving him when i poteintially could have, would he still come through??

One step at a time. There's no rush to do anything.  You can even start with short meditations and slowly billed up.  Or perhaps just do it when you have a better day.  Or simply wait.  You don't have to do it or start now.

I'm having somewhat of a similiar but different issue.  When I lost my wife, I bought so many books that I've been aching to read. However, I really haven't had any time yet because I've been spending my energy in other areas. 

I've realized that it's OK.  Why?  The sad truth is that I'll have the rest of my life to get to these books. There's no rush.  With a life expectancy in the 90's, I'll have AT LEAST 5-decades.  Oh gosh!

My spiritual beliefs are that our past loved ones are full of love and joy on the other side. The last thing they would feel is to be mad at you.  It's nothing to worry about.

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20 minutes ago, Azipod said:

My spiritual beliefs are that our past loved ones are full of love and joy on the other side. The last thing they would feel is to be mad at you.  It's nothing to worry about.

You make me feel better:-)

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I'm reading these beautiful supporting replies from everyone.  You are all amazing in your understanding and sharing.  It's hard to express where I'm at as I float in and out of limbo.  I do believe completely in visions and signals.   It is hard to explain the actual physical visions of Wayne...he arrives wanting to join me on my yoga mat or in bed.  He's transparent yet there.  I can't explain it any better.  It may be just a second or a minute. It happens.  Not frequently but it happens.  I've been trying salt floats and I experience the same visual.  Seems real as I reach out to touch but transparent..  So Darkangel I do believe.  Then there are the signals too.   This is a difficult time.  I have no answers.  There are no answers.  

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6 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

 I do believe completely in visions and signals.   It is hard to explain the actual physical visions of Wayne...he arrives wanting to join me on my yoga mat or in bed.  He's transparent yet there.  I can't explain it any better.  It may be just a second or a minute. It happens.  Not frequently but it happens.  I've been trying salt floats and I experience the same visual.  Seems real as I reach out to touch but transparent..  So Darkangel I do believe.  Then there are the signals too.   This is a difficult time.  I have no answers.  There are no answers.  

That is so beautiful.  I do get this from my wife as well, almost exclusively during moments right after I settle in bed.  It's almost like eye floaters.  My understanding is that our loved ones need to raise their vibrations to a very high level for us to see them.   And they usually can't do it, and if they can, they can only hold the vibration long enough for a quick second.  That is why we only see them quick.  And then when we try to focus again, nothing is there.  Creating apparitions are probably one of the most difficult things for our loved ones to do.  It's easier for them to communicate with us by other means, ie. telepathy, dreams, smell, sense, and even touch.

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