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Sunflower2

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Just beginning to slowly get acclimated in navigating this forum.

My loss: September 24, 2017

I'm not as RAW as I was on that day and the weeks following but the grief is deep and intense.  The magnitude of the feelings that are partnered with this loss are surreal.  The loss was sudden. There are so many moments where I simply am amazed I've managed to even get to this point of posting on a forum.  I understand this takes time. It can't be rushed.  Balancing the knowledge with the emotions that are felt is not easy....Mixture of emotions....unpredictable.  The beginning moment of acknowledging that he is gone is excruciating. The awareness of this permanence is shattering. I do feel his energy but for now I want what was....that is not reality but I know its ok to be in that moment of not accepting.  I've just read the book,  "Its ok that you're not ok."  Very helpful in understanding many aspects of grief and living in a culture that doesn't understand that there is no solution to grief.  Yes he was my rock....the support was mutual. I'm sure I was his rock.  The feelings! Anger, guilt, fear, sadness...feelings you all are experiencing.  The intensity is gut wrenching . I continue my morning conversations with him.  Journaling has been my stabilizer even through the darkest moments.  I call these dark moments "grief waves." 

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@Sunflower2   I am very sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband 12 1/2 years ago.  I remember feeling I couldn't survive a week without him, let alone the whole rest of my life (he was 51, I was 52 at the time).  In my family we live well into our 90s so this would give me 40 years of living without him, the thought could quickly send me into a panic.  I joined a grief forum early on and it was a lifesaver.  I learned to take one day at a time, sometimes having to break it down into an hour or just a minute, whatever I felt I could handle.  I wrote this article based on my twelve year journey and hope you'll find something in it that is of help to you.  Perhaps when you are ready you can share some more information about you and the one you've lost.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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I love that, "if love alone could save you, you never would have died", so true.

It's weird how you know people who died, saw obituaries, but never REALLY knew death, grief, not like this, not until they died!  Now I know grief.  I've grieved the loss of pets and it was really hard, my parents, niece, nephew, grandparents, but there is something about losing your soulmate and best friend, it affects every aspect of your life, every waking thought, it changes your world forever.

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