My best friend, my baby, Kaci.

[KMacDW]

On Sunday afternoon I lost my best friend Kaci suddenly. She was only six and had shown no prior signs of illness. My mother and I had been out at the shed; Kaci tried to follow us out, as she hated to be left out of anything, but as it was raining I told her to go back inside. She retreated back in the door, licking her lips as she often would. I followed her in to check something on my phone; I told her we'd be going for a walk soon as I walked past her. 

There had been some folded up cardboard boxes leaning against a box freezer near the door for days. I heard the sound of the box falling, as well as that of Kaci moving quickly; this wasn't out of character as she was a very jumpy dog. I turned around with the intention of going to rub her and tell her it was nothing, but as I turned I heard her hit the floor. She suddenly started having a seizure; she's never had one before so it came as quite a shock. Yet I'd heard of other people's dogs having regular seizures (albeit they were older dogs) but they tended to be ok after them, so at that time although I was concerned and a tad panicked, I didn't think she was going to pass. I didn't know what to do; I called for my mother, she ran in just as the seizure was coming to an end. She tried to comfort Kaci, just as she let out a gasp. She told me to cut the top off a nearby Coke bottle and use it over her snout to try and give her CPR. But before I got to her, she let out what was her last breath of air and her heart stopped. I tried to give her breath but within a couple minutes she'd emptied her bowels. She was dead. 

As I said, she had shown no signs of illness; she had been herself all morning and in the days running up to it. To be honest Kaci was a very healthy dog over the six and a bit years I had her. Putting aside the occasional case of the runs, I can only think of three times where she was particularly ill; an ear infection at a few months old, a particularly bad stomach one evening when she was about 3 or 4; and lastly having to have her stomach washed out after consuming grapes. Three times in 6 years seems like nothing, compared to how many times friends have had to bring their dogs to the vet for one thing or another.

However while Kaci was very healthy physically, she wasn't so strong mentally. She was a very fearful dog. She would run and hide when anyone would turn on the hoover, if it was dry I'd generally let her out the back while I did it. Cars she could handle but with buses/trucks she would run as far away from the edge of the road as possible anytime one was close. Fireworks scared the life out of her; Halloween time, New Years Eve....times I dreaded as I'd have to watch her shiver in a corner. And there were other assorted sounds that would spook her; things suddenly falling, neighbours hammering things etc. She would also be fearful of strange people when they first came into our house, she would hide from them at first. This sometimes extended to people she hadn't seen in a while. This behavior actually got worse in recent months; while previously she would go hide in a corner, lately she wouldn't want to be in the same room as them, she'd try run upstairs or into the living room. For the record she's not allowed go to those places, and she knows this, she knows where her territory is. So it was very odd to see her tossing aside the rules. She also started doing this with my brother at times, someone who lived with her during her first few months with us and again had lived with us for the past year; someone who had walked her over the years and spent plenty of time with her. Yet some days she would be all over him and others she would run away.

Ultimately we feel this may have been the cause of her death. All the fear and stress over the years weakened her heart and made it that she did't have it in her to fight against the seizure. I feel like I failed her; I always felt for her when she was afraid but I never for one moment thought it was causing lasting effects. Why didn't I raise it with a vet? Maybe they could have tested her; found that she had a weak heart and done something about it? Maybe I'm just looking for a way I could have prevented it, because I felt so guilty watching her die, powerless to help her. 

Since her death I have found it so hard to be alone, especially in silence. The kitchen; the room in which she lived and sadly died, now makes me physically ill. It wasn't a room I spent much time in before I got her, I used to spend my time in my room. Initially we built her a space in the front of the shed, and used to pin the door in a way so that she could get out to do her business, but we found after a couple days that she would just walk outside, to the end of her lead and wait for us to come. She wasn't sleeping, probably due to fear. So on that basis, my house proud mother gave in and said she could move into the kitchen full time. On that day, it became her room. And it became my room too; it was where I would watch movies, play video games and do college work. For six years I spent more time in that room than anywhere else, because of her. Now the room just feels so empty.

Today we finally got the chance to bring her body to the vet for cremation; we're getting the ashes back so that we can keep her with us. Up until now, the body had been stored in a container outside, wrapped up in all of her blankets and some bin liners. I felt so guilty leaving her outside over night, knowing that she had hated being outside alone; silly I know seen as she was no longer there but I felt the guilt all the same. It did help, finally letting go of her body today and I also cleaned away some of her stuff which has also helped, as seeing her empty bed was heartbreaking. But nonetheless, I still feel ill in that room.

At times I have forgotten she is gone; while writing this, I stopped for a minute and thought "oh I forgot the dog's outside, better let her back in". How ridiculous is that? I'm literally writing about my grief and yet I forget that what I'm grieving about is actually gone?! Yesterday in work; yes I went to work, I couldn't stand staying at home and thought the distraction would help, it did for a while. Anyways while I was in work, for a split second a location came to mind and I thought 'I should bring Kaci on a walk there soon', before yet again reality hit and a tear came to my eye. I'm a really vivid dreamer; and last night I had a dream about her. The dream wasn't too dissimilar to her death; she had a seizure and we were told by a vet that she had a serious issue. The vet said it could be treated but would take thousands of euros. I took the decision to pay the money; that we would fight for her life. Sadly I woke up to find I didn't have that choice. That's a fear I have now, that I will continue to dream vividly about her; when I broke up with my first serious girlfriend I spent months dreaming about her virtually every night and it was very painful, to be honest I still dream about her from time to time, although it doesn't bother me as much.

I was just 21 when I got Kaci; I was very depressed at the time. I'd only been broken up with the aforementioned girlfriend about 6 months at the time and I'd also found I couldn't afford to go back to college (I had went straight after high school but dropped out after a semester), despite having repeated my high school exams in order to meet the requirements to get to the college I wanted to attend. I was so depressed that I couldn't bring myself to apply for jobs and I barely went out. I have always maintained a small circle of friends and I would see them infrequently, but that was about the extent of my social life. I spent my days playing video games and watching TV. One Sunday I was sitting at home playing Skyrim, the 13/11/2011 (date always sticks out as Skyrim had released 2 days previous); when my mother called me and asked me if I wanted a dog. I was shocked to be honest, I'd spent years begging her for to let me get another one but she'd refused, yet her she was, asking me. It turned out that her friend's daughter had brought Kaci home, begging her mom to let her keep her; they already had a dog so her mom refused but she said my mother should take her for me. And on the spur of the moment my mother decided she'd let me decide. I said yes of course; I didn't even know what kind of dog she was, but nonetheless I was so excited and still a bit shocked to be honest. It turned out she was a labrador cross; her mother was a golden labrador who'd gotten loose and was impregnated by an unknown dog. Eventually we found out her father was most likely a border collie (or at least largely border collie); as vets and trainers who would meet her suggested it, and eventually we met another dog that was confirmed to be that cross, that looked the same as her.

Having this little pup changed my life; I had something to focus on, something that relied on me. When we initially got her, she slept in a padded dog carrier that my mother's friend had given her, as she was only 6 weeks old and we didn't feel she was ready to sleep outside alone. So each morning I'd have to get up really early to let her out to do her business. I used to end up watching Spongebob Squarepants while lying on the floor with her on my chest; I'd often end up falling asleep. Might be weird that I can remember what would be on TV, but it stands out as one particular episode had the FUN song that Spongebob and Plankton sing; so I took to singing it to her and did so right up to recently. She probably had no memory of this song ha, but it meant something to me, reminded me of her as a puppy. Went off on a tangent there.... But yeah, having something so vulnerable rely on me to walk it, play with it, feed it; that gave me focus. Allowed me to shake out of my depression. A few months later I had enrolled in a certificate course which eventually gave me a path back to college and my degree. This in turn led to me taking the plunge to get the first job I'd held in years; and one in which I really got involved with my colleagues, rather than being the quiet guy who just done his work. It led to me being more confident, gave me some self esteem; and for the first time in years I've started to think that maybe I can get into a relationship with someone. 

I feel I owe all of this to my best friend Kaci. People might have thought with her being such a fearful dog that I was her strength and she relied on me; and maybe she did. But I sure did rely on her; she made me feel like I was worth something. When I had a bad day and would feel down and out, she wouldn't let me, she'd want to shower me in kisses or force me to play with her. She'd also listen to my problems; I have good human best friends who are good listeners but I don't feel like it's fair to put everything on them, Kaci though was always willing to lend her ear. The way in which she would greet me after work, would make any bad day go away. She just made my life so much better.

I find it hard to imagine a future without her. I have a big job interview coming up, one that will really allow me to kick start a career. I was telling myself that I'd get this job and move out; that Kaci and I would get our own place, and maybe eventually another dog (which wasn't going to be an easy process as she wasn't particularly fond of other dogs). She was giving me the strength to face moving out but now without her I feel so lonely, I feel like I've lost a piece of myself; and I'm afraid of facing my future without her. The idea of moving into a place on my own without her, terrifies me. 

At the minute I feel like all the strides I've made in life are down to her; and that without her I won't be able to keep moving forward. Yet on the flipside I feel that if I allow myself to regress to the me that existed when she first came into my life, I'd be letting her down. Her life, albeit a short one, it's purpose was to make me a better me; to save me from the darkness that was enveloping me, and show me that there's a light outside. She saved my life, I'm honestly not sure if I'd have been able to keep going without her coming into my life. And although I couldn't save her life; I feel I now owe my life to her, that I need to keep striving forward so that I can be someone that people love as much as she did. I want to think that one day I'll find the girl of my dreams, have children and maybe even get more dogs; and be able to point at a picture of Kaci and say "that's the best friend I ever had, she's the reason I'm here and why I'm the best me I can be". 

Although it currently feels like there's a hole in my heart; and I'm afraid and lonely. I want my best friend to know that I will push through this; and I will continue taking strides forward as she would have wanted.

Rest in Peace Kaycee 'Kaci' Wilkinson (30/09/2011 - 21/01/2018)

[Jencatlover]

@KMacDW what a heartfelt post, I'm never really sure whether the situation is worse when you know they are unwell or whether it's sudden. I think probably when it's sudden as you have no time to prepare. Although we never can really prepare. I'm so sorry you lost your lovely Kaci and it sounds like you did everything you could to give her a wonderful life and she did the same for you. You had an amazing bond and she sounds very special. There aren't many words that really help but you will get support here from people who understand and that counts for a lot, many feel they can't share their grief with those closest but here you can. (((hugs)))

[KMacDW]

Just now, Jencatlover said:

@KMacDW what a heartfelt post, I'm never really sure whether the situation is worse when you know they are unwell or whether it's sudden. I think probably when it's sudden as you have no time to prepare. Although we never can really prepare. I'm so sorry you lost your lovely Kaci and it sounds like you did everything you could to give her a wonderful life and she did the same for you. You had an amazing bond and she sounds very special. There aren't many words that really help but you will get support here from people who understand and that counts for a lot, many feel they can't share their grief with those closest but here you can. (((hugs)))

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your kind words.

[MyMocha]

@KMacDW, oh honey i am so sorry.  Your poor little Kaci She seemed to have such anxiety as some animals unfortunately do.  That must have been so shocking to have all of that occur so quickly.  I am glad she didn't suffer in those last moments. It seems her little heart just gave out.  I am just so sorry that happened.  It is so hard to lose our little friends and try to adjust to their absence. I hope you find some comfort here while you get through this awful transition. Lots of good people here.  We have all lost a beloved companion and do truly understand. hugs

[KMacDW]

3 minutes ago, MyMocha said:

@KMacDW, oh honey i am so sorry.  Your poor little Kaci She seemed to have such anxiety as some animals unfortunately do.  That must have been so shocking to have all of that occur so quickly.  I am glad she didn't suffer in those last moments. It seems her little heart just gave out.  I am just so sorry that happened.  It is so hard to lose our little friends and try to adjust to their absence. I hope you find some comfort here while you get through this awful transition. Lots of good people here.  We have all lost a beloved companion and do truly understand. hugs

Thank you. That's the one comfort I take, that her suffering was so short, it may have been a minute at most; and then she was at peace. While a sudden death meant I didn't get the chance to say goodbye properly; I'd prefer that than thinking of her suffering, especially considering how anxious she was. 

[AJWCat]

Sorry to hear about sweet Kaci. Having lost cats slowly from illness and most recently very suddenly - the sudden one was tougher and of course, more shocking. I am sorry you had to go through it, I know how awful it is to helplessly watch your animal. But at least you were there and she was not alone and that it was so fast she didn't realize what was even happening. A very sad thing but some things to be grateful for. 

I know exactly how you feel - afraid and lonely.  It takes time to recover from such a loss. In time, even the kitchen won't have such negativity for you. This whole thing was pretty traumatic and so everything you feel is normal and you will slowly get better. Be patient. Sometimes it will come in waves. You will be okay one minute and crying the next. This is the process of grief. It is not easy.

You have the right attitude about the future. Losing Kaci was never going to be "easy" and it was never going to be a good time. She was taken to soon. But at least your bond with Kaci can encourage you to keep moving forward in your career and eventually to find the perfect girl. Honor all that she did for you by doing that, build what you started together! And eventually, you can give a good home to another dog that needs it too. But, Kaci will be in your heart forever.     

  

[KMacDW]

13 hours ago, AJWCat said:

Sorry to hear about sweet Kaci. Having lost cats slowly from illness and most recently very suddenly - the sudden one was tougher and of course, more shocking. I am sorry you had to go through it, I know how awful it is to helplessly watch your animal. But at least you were there and she was not alone and that it was so fast she didn't realize what was even happening. A very sad thing but some things to be grateful for. 

I know exactly how you feel - afraid and lonely.  It takes time to recover from such a loss. In time, even the kitchen won't have such negativity for you. This whole thing was pretty traumatic and so everything you feel is normal and you will slowly get better. Be patient. Sometimes it will come in waves. You will be okay one minute and crying the next. This is the process of grief. It is not easy.

You have the right attitude about the future. Losing Kaci was never going to be "easy" and it was never going to be a good time. She was taken to soon. But at least your bond with Kaci can encourage you to keep moving forward in your career and eventually to find the perfect girl. Honor all that she did for you by doing that, build what you started together! And eventually, you can give a good home to another dog that needs it too. But, Kaci will be in your heart forever.     

  

Thank you. I do hope that I can honor her memory and that one day I can give my heart to another dog(s). 

[KayC]

I am so sorry you lost your Kaci, it is so hard, no words are adequate.  I also had a dog that was very fearful, I read an article just this morning about anxiety in dogs, I wish I'd had it when Lucky was alive, but I hope it's of help to someone else with a dog with fears.  

https://www.aspca.org/pet-care/dog-care/common-dog-behavior-issues/separation-anxiety 

I'm sorry you didn't get more time with Kaci, no one would expect that, but if she had a seizure, there had to be something wrong to begin with.  I have a friend who adopted a young dog and lost him one year later, he was getting treatment for his seizures but still they continued.  Sometimes there's nothing we can do but give them the best life we can while we have them with us and I hope you console yourself with that thought, that all she knew was your loving home, a family that cared for her.  It sounds like it went quick so she was spared suffering.  My heart goes out to you in your loss.

 

[KMacDW]

16 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry you lost your Kaci, it is so hard, no words are adequate.  I also had a dog that was very fearful, I read an article just this morning about anxiety in dogs, I wish I'd had it when Lucky was alive, but I hope it's of help to someone else with a dog with fears.  

https://www.aspca.org/pet-care/dog-care/common-dog-behavior-issues/separation-anxiety 

I'm sorry you didn't get more time with Kaci, no one would expect that, but if she had a seizure, there had to be something wrong to begin with.  I have a friend who adopted a young dog and lost him one year later, he was getting treatment for his seizures but still they continued.  Sometimes there's nothing we can do but give them the best life we can while we have them with us and I hope you console yourself with that thought, that all she knew was your loving home, a family that cared for her.  It sounds like it went quick so she was spared suffering.  My heart goes out to you in your loss.

 

Thank you. I do take some comfort in knowing she went quick with little suffering; and that now she'll never be afraid again. Interesting article, helpful tips. There were things I discovered would help towards the end, I wish I'd known about them earlier though. 

[KayC]

I felt the same way when I read it, my Lucky has been gone for over seven years now, but perhaps things to keep in mind in the future, who knows.  I saved the article.

[KMacDW]

20 hours ago, KayC said:

I felt the same way when I read it, my Lucky has been gone for over seven years now, but perhaps things to keep in mind in the future, who knows.  I saved the article.

Certainly, I'm hoping a few months down the line, when I feel ready, I can adopt a couple of dogs in need. And the lessons I learned from Kaci, I can apply to them.

[KayC]

I wish you well with it.  I usually give it a few months in between but I had made plans to acquire Lucky before I knew I was going to lose Fluffy so had only two days in between, maybe it worked out for the best that way, they were very different though.  There are sure a lot of dogs in need of homes!