My husband died unexpected due to motorcycle accident

[Idwfb]

I'm new here so I'll begin with telling you the unexpected thing life has thrown at me. 2 months ago I was expecting my husband to come home from work at half past nine in the evening as usual. It was half past 10....and stil no sign. So I called his number....no answer. That didn't worry me at first because he was driving his motorcycle (Pan European Honda) so I thought "oké, he is driving and can't hear/answer my call". Close to 11 I got worried and decided to call the hospitals nearby (why I got that idea I stil don't know). They told me that they couldn't say if anyone with my husbands name has been brought in and that I had to call the police for all the info on wether there had been an accident somewhere. When I think of it now, the nurse probably knew more. So I called the police and it was then that they told me that my husband had an accident and that he died instantly. It was a straight road that he knew blindfolded. It was a bit of a rainy evening, it was dark en there was a farmer working on his field and left the road with a thick layer of mud.  My husband slided on the mud and was thrown against a smal tree by the side of the road. He had full protection on him (helmet in bright orange so he could be seen clearly, motorcycle jacket/pants/shoes,...). The police  came directly to my house and whent with me to see him there. It looked like he was sleeping....no blood, no cuts.....nothing. I still don't have an answer of what exactly killed him (Blunt trauma to the body or head of broken nek?). A lot of questions with no answer. We have a son (15 years) and it is hard, so hard! One minute you say goodbye, see you later and 8 house later he is gone forever.....

[M88]

I am deeply sorry for your loss, Idwfb.  My heart fair aches for you as I understand your pain.  My fit, healthy, happy partner kissed me goodbye one morning and was killed by a careless driver within 2 hours of his leaving home.  He was walking on the footpath when and two others were mowed down. The driver didn’t stop until he hit two cars out on the highway, injuring one of those drivers.  

Our minds, bodies and souls take a huge hit when a healthy soulmate suffers a senseless, sudden, traumatic death.  It is hard to bear our loss, and we have no option but to bear it.  It’s been two years since my hubby was killed and most days I still think this really can’t have happened.  It takes some getting your head around. And this poxy road called grief is the pits.  But, we are here to support each other.  We understand how deeply you will be hurting. 

Are you saying that the Police aren’t giving you any information?  Have you not received the short version of the post mortem ? As I’ve told the Police here many times, as gory as it sounds, a widow often has a great need to know everything about their spouses death.  We need that knowledge so we can properly process our loss. 

We need to look after ourselves.  You will no doubt have already learnt how difficult it is, to do that.  We have to push ourselves to do even the most basic things like shower and eat healthy food. Grief is very demanding and when we least need to practice self-discipline, we must,  just to survive each day.  

I hope you will find the compassion, understanding and support that I’ve found here,  on the forum.  There are a few of us who have lost our beloved men in road crashes and there can be a lot of legal issues which follow. 

Feel free to write about anything here.  You are among kindred spirits.  Know you’re in my thoughts.  

Sending you strength, love and hugs XX

[KayC]

Idwfb,

I am so sorry  It seems to me the farmer is responsible for his death, you aren't supposed to make a mess in the road like that, I don't know how he'd avoid it but perhaps by having gravel at his point of exit.  It just seems so unfair that because of someone else's carelessness your husband is dead and your child left without a father.  That is so hard.

You have found a good group of people here that understand.  Finding a grief forum such as this was a lifesaver to me...that was twelve years ago.  I had thought I couldn't live through this but here I am.  Even though it's been 12 years, I remember everything like it was yesterday, some things you never forget.

[Idwfb]

Thank you for your kind words! Before I posted my story I read a bit on this forum. Where I live there are a lot of online and face to face support groups but a lot of them are focused on people who have lost there partner or child due to disease. There isn't a lot available when you've lost someone this close so unexpected. I know that every loss hurts the same but when it is so sudden there is no chance to say even the most simple things to eachother anymore. There is only what if....?

At this moment I don't have any info from the police because the investigation is running. I live in Belgium so the jurisdiction is a bit different here. Only when the investigation is closed you can read the file. The hard part is that this can take as long as 6-12 months and in the meanwhile all you have is more questions.

people tell me that the wound will again open in 6-12 months and than again when it comes to court. The only thing I can say is that the wound will not open because it will never close!

[lovingstill]

Welcome here. I lost my beloved partner in November-- 2 months ago now-- totally unexpectedly. The investigation is also running and we don't have a police report on his passing but he died at our home, and I was the last person to ever speak to him. I don't know why he left me or why he died, but I've found some community here from others who have experienced the same. We will never be the same. Today is a very hard day for me, and I've had a lot of relatively "easy" days compared to this. But today the crying is nonstop, and I can't stop missing him...

[KayC]

Idwfb,

My husband died unexpectedly and I never got to have that "last conversation" with him, he'd just turned 51 but we hadn't met until our 40s so our time together was cut way too short.  Your situation has added to the mixed that someone else caused this to happen.  I guess in a roundabout way someone caused my husband's as his doctor should have sent him to a cardiologist but didn't, if he had they would have noticed his heart trouble and then who knows what a different outcome this could have had.  But none of that was to be...

[Idwfb]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband also was 51 when he died (I am 41). Far too young to die... We had all those plans, things we were going to do together, trips that where planned and booked. Now there is just a deep, dark, unknown gap. 

I just want him back with me, holding me and giving me the advise only he could give. But then reality kicks in and I am well aware that that's never going to happen. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowing, other times I feel strong. Getting my head around it all is hard work and I never, not for a second stop thinking about him. I could be talking to someone and at the same time there is this film in my head that keeps on going. 

[LoveD]

Idwfb,

I am sorry for your loss.  My husband unexpectedly passed away during the trip.   Even though he had been sick for many years, I never expect this would happen.  I thought about I could live with him until 70 years old.  We have a lot of unfulfilled plans, too. So far six months I cry less but still cry every day and his film is less flipping in my mind.  I try and can do things that he was previously handling.  But I just miss him terribly, probably will continue the end of my life.

[RicsChick]

I just lost my husband in a fatal motorcycle accident on March 23, 2021.  We had been together for 29 years, and May 1st will be our 29th wedding anniversary.  I am so totally lost without him, each day seems like it's a blur and they are all winding together!  I've dealt with grief a lot, I lost my father when I was 14, have lost many friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and 2 nephews.  But losing him took the breath out of me and I miss him terribly!

Right now I'm still taking one breath at a time mostly!  

 

I know this is an old post, but I just want to let you know that I am so sorry for your loss!

Holly

[KayC]

Not sure if original poster signed up for notifications or not.  Holly, I am so sorry for your loss, there are no words adequate, it's just plain hard.  And to face your anniversary so soon!  My heart goes out to you.  I too have lost many but my husband was the hardest, I later got a dog as my companion and when I lost him to cancer I felt much the same as I had with my George, it didn't affect me on as many levels, of course, but the grief was deep to my soul.  Damn, this never gets easier!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.