My mommy

[Ciera]

My mother has been battling cancer since 2015. On December 25 2017 she passed away in front of me and my siblings right after we opened the gifts. To see her on the bed trying to be resuscitated and revived is something I’ll never forget. Whenever I go down stairs where the hospice bed for her was , I smell her scent and feel her energy. I am so broken. I thought she would get through this like the first time. The day before she died I was on the internet looking for holistic ways to heal cancer since chemo messed up her kidneys the first time. I woke that morning so sad and had no idea why. I am 21 . My birthday was in June of 2017 and she was fine walking, talking happy and happy. The cancer came back in October full force. In December she couldn’t even speak. She fought to the very end. I can’t handle this feeling. It’s a pain that never goes away. Even though it’s still fresh I don’t think it’ll ever go away. I’m going to school (when I recover) and will have kids and will get married and she won’t be here. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. I have isolated myself and changed my number all in 3 weeks. Idek why . I feel no one will understand. I look around and get so sad and jealous of people who’s moms are still here and well. People who are 60 that are just now starting to lose their moms. They had their whole lives with her. I wish that was me. I would give my heart to her if that meant she would live. I would give her my kidneys. MY LIFE. No one will ever understand 

[reader]

Dear Ciera,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. The pain and sorrow is unimaginable. Please know you are not alone. We are all thinking of you.

Everything you are thinking and feeling is normal because grief hits us all so hard. None of us expect our parents to pass. Like you, I, too wanted to be in my 50s or 60s before my father passed. I was horribly angry with the world.

I know you loved your mom with all your heart and would give anything to bring her back. It takes a long time to deal with the shock.

Try to be kind and gentle with yourself. Moment by moment for now.

Sending you love and hugs.