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Where to from here?


AshleeKS

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Hi all.

This is my first time posting in this forum. My dad died six month ago from pneumonia- a side effect of his cancer journey. It was an expected (but still achingly sudden) and shocking death. Every loss is different, but every post I read here has the same underlying emotions- disbelief, hurt, anger, denial. 

I wonder now, how do people manage to get back to who they are after the end has come. How do you distance yourself from being a carer and become once again a whole person? I was a published writer and poet before this, but now I have writers block and can barely pick up a pencil. I isolate myself from friends and family, I can feel myself damaging my romantic relationship with my behaviour and even worse I obsessively fixate on any small reminder of what my dad went through, causing depression or anxiety.

I know grief is a journey, but does anyone have any practical steps they have taken to re-connecting to who they used to be? 

Any advice appreciated.

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silverkitties

Hi Ashlee,

I write as well and fully empathize: I felt much the same way you did when my mother also passed away from what may have been pneumonia when she had cancer 3 years ago.  I too was her main caregiver.

At first, there was a sense of relief: that she was no longer suffering. And that I no longer had to get up super early to prepare her meds and clean up after her. And yet. this sense of comfort was only temporary as the feelings of loss overwhelmed me at times when anything or almost everything could remind me of her. I would put on a lipstick and remember that I wore it on such-and-such a time to see her. Ditto a sweater on my armchair. Sometimes the skies in the early morning would remind me of a visit to her--and at other times, I would be reminded of our weekly shopping jaunts.  And, of course, if I was visiting or passing by a place that I hadn't seen since I last seen with mom, I would inevitably think of her too--like the time I went to the DMV to return her license plate. Or the time a friend and I went to a restaurant that I used to go to with my mom.  In fact, these memories still hit me.

I don't want to say grief is harder for writers but I do think loss affects those of us who are sensitive so much more. It's even worse when we are already nostalgically inclined. My profession as a historian means I spend a lot of time thinking about not only the distant past, but my own past so that the memories and sense of loss feel that much more intense. ANd with that vividness comes a pang that I will never enjoy all the fun, pleasure, and comfort I had from my mom  As I've been working on various writing projects since her illness, there are many times when I can't help but think of that fatal year even when I am supposedly fully concentrating on the material in front of me.  When I was writing on one author for another textbook a year after my mom's passing, the memories of my reading that author by my mom's bedside in the hospital were almost unbearable....what I would give to go back in time when I still had her, I thought to myself. Then I remembered all those times I walked down the hallways of the hospital, buying her snacks to whet her appetite.  Ah...back then, there was still some hope that she would beat the odds. And now, editing the introduction to my book, rereading my bits on Rousseau, brings back memories of the weeks when I first wrote it right before her first stroke....all the times my mom and I went to the mall, grocery shopping, and watched videos together.

So I'm not surprised at all that you "obsessively fixate" on small reminders of your dad. 

However, these feelings do begin to dissipate over time: at least, I have found that to be the case for me after a year.  I no longer feel like I am reeling at reminders of mom. I no longer cry 4or 5x daily.  I can feel happy--and even laugh several times a day!  But I would be lying if I did not admit that grief can hit me all over again when I am depressed or anxious.

Healing is not an easy process, particularly when you were very close to the deceased. AFter all, my mom was not just my mom, but my mentor and friend.  It is even less so when you have few friends or at least supportive people around you. Although I don't post as frequently as  I used to, I have found much comfort here. I realized that I was not alone. I finally had a viable outlet for my feelings (See for instance my earlier thread on the first anniversary of my mother's death.)  That there were many others who felt just the same and were undergoing similar issues. At the same time, I've tried to tell myself that I need to finish this book for mom.  That she, more than anyone else--the woman who led me from my ABC's to a Ph.D.--would feel gratified.  Mom was always active, moving about, doing something. And as such, I've told myself that the best way to honor her is by writing and living life to my fullest potential: that is how I've wound up completing many of my writing projects. 

I'm willing to bet that your dad felt the same about you;) But don't feel ashamed about giving yourself time to grieve--because you can only move on when you do.

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Ashlee,

I feel exactly the same way.  I am coming up on 6 month anniversary of my mom's passing.  Also of pneumonia, really not a pleasant last few days for her.  All I want to do is lay on the couch with my dog and veg out.  Which I have been doing when I am not at work.  I have missed more work this year than I ever have before because there are days that I just can bring myself to get moving.  I hate to admit but I also am numbing a bit with alcohol in the evening.  I have some great friends that are pretty persistent but they are probably over me by now.  My mom lived with me always.  Now, every spot of my house is a memory.  Uggg...

Sorry, this is no advise for you but maybe it helps to know you are not alone.

 

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Dear Ashlee,

I’m so sorry for your loss.  I found the 6 month mark very hard very painful and a deeper level of depression than before, so I understand how you feel.  It is a year for me since my mom died and i can tell you it has been the worst year of my life.  Only now I’m taking steps to rebuild my life.  2 months ago I started to make plans, take small steps to change my life.  I lost myself.  I didn’t know who I was anymore.  I felt rootless, alone and unable to get on with my life.  At 10 months I forced myself to take small steps even though I felt I don’t know if I can do this alone?  I wanted to tell you, it takes time.  Keep making an effort in small ways every day.  Sometimes you won’t feel like it but try to do it anyway.  My practical steps on coming back to who I was is through my creativity.  As a creative professional person I let everything slip.  I didn’t want to do anything, I was just getting through each day.  Now I’m still sad and lonely and miss my mom just as much if not more but I’m moving forward.  It takes time Ashlee.

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ItsComplicated

Hi, Ashlee - I have no magic answers for you. I also closed down much of my creative side after my loss. What previously brought me joy, just didn't anymore. I have also learned that doing that was ultimately harmful to my mental health. So, my advice from my own experience is see if you can find a different kind of creative outlet. If writing was your thing, maybe try an art class, painting, dancing, acting, etc. Something that will keep your creativity accessible, but not bring up all the memories and feelings your writing does. This doesn't need to be a permanent change. When you are ready, try writing again. At some point, it will likely be therapeutic to write again. Meanwhile, try to stay connected to your creativity in some way.

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Hi Ashlee,

Your Post related to me in such a emotional way. I lost my father 7 months ago and I am feeling a lot of the same emotions you are. Its a relief though to read that there are others like me and that in some way can understand me too. I really do not how to go on anymore, I dont want to breakdown and give up. But it seems time and distance from home isnt really helping me either. My only consolation in days like this is the walks I take by the seaside or the beach Alone. Or taking a walk in the rain. The moments when I am actually on my own with my head clearing up and letting me accept that I am grieving. I am not being stupid or weak. I am actually suffering from a loss.

I hope you find a ray of hope too.

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Good evening Ashlee!  Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss.  I too was the primary live in caregiver for my disabled mom, and had been for many years prior to her death a couple of months ago.  My relationship with my mom had always been very close, but we certainly became closer after I stepped into that caregiver role and we relied on one another in ways we hadn't previously.  We were simply one another's very best friends and pretty much "everything" person.  

While I would never minimize anyone's loss, I will say that I believe a caregivers loss comes with it's own unique set of problems and circumstances.  I wish I could give you some insight into how to make your grieving process more bearable, but quite frankly I'm at a point in my own grief where everything still feels nearly insurmountable.  One thing I have found that has been surprisingly helpful has been the process of putting our previously fractured family back together.  My mom's relationship with her own mother and brother was somewhat estranged at the time of her passing, and because she was always my first and last loyalty, my relationships with them suffered by extension.

Of course I absolutely hate the reason for it, but my mom's unexpected death brought us back together in a way that nothing else could.  I've found a lot of comfort in setting aside the old hard feelings that seem so unimportant now, and repairing the strains on our family.  It's also been nice for me to spend more time with people who love her and feel her loss in their own profound ways.  I hope maybe sharing my experience might help you find some clarity in your own situation.

The following is a note for the poster smk.  This is JMO mind you, but as long as you are not endangering yourself or others, I'm pretty much a proponent of "whatever gets you through the night".  You have nothing to be ashamed of in how you are choosing to cope with your enormous grief, and I hope you know as well how "not alone" you really are in your situation.  My mom was quite frankly my everything, and her loss makes me feel like my entire world has stopped spinning on it's axis, and everything else has stopped with it.  So many of us here can and do relate.

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What's up Ashlee,

This is how I think... maybe it will help you. We are all just visiting each other. Its all temporary... The only constant is change. Without change no one would ever evolve, so change is actually a great thing. No one is meant to stay with you forever. That would be unnatural and rather creepy :). So when your loved one dies you simply appreciate the time you had with them and continue on. It's ok to be sad from time to time and naturally you are going to miss them but try to chill out on all the "why me... my life is over" thinking. It will never serve you well. Ease up on yourself... Go out and have some fun! Being depressed all the time or not living up to your full potential is not going to bring them back. My mother, who was my best friend died unexpectedly and trust me... it was hard but I am moving forward.  I am doing the same things I enjoyed before she passed. Life goes on... You have to move with it or you'll stay stuck wishing things will go back to the same and things will never be the same. That's impossible.  So now you have a choice..."Get busy living or get busy dying." - Shawshank Redemption

Hopefully, this helped you. 

Peace :D

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