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Carmen13

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I effing hate Cancer. I lost my best friend,soul mate and husband to an aggressive form of Cancer that for a while allowed us and the medical team hopeful for a positive outcome. In the end ,and looking back it was a roller coaster ride for my Bobby and me, culminating in suffering and loss of dignity and the simple pleasures life offers,sleeping,eating,conversation. Now almost 7 mths later I am grateful my beloved could still hear and play his mp4 music ( music was his passion) and he was definitely a 70's and 80's child,lol. End of life care in terms of medication,well it annoyed me,disgusted me in a way. We put horses,dogs ,cats other animals down to eliminate undue suffering but for humans we create this whole other jargon,end of life comfort, blah,blah,blah. Semi comatose medically induced state while your loved one waits for the body to wear down to complete collapse. I am angry about that. I try to get that emotion in check though, the anger one,because I dont want that poison me,my mind,or my chance of making it through this challenging time! The disease may have taken my most precious gift but im sure as hell determined it wont take me as well. I mean thats kinda like the disease get a 2 for 1 deal. Arghhhh..!

The emotional pain in those first few weeks and the intensity often left me feeling like I couldnt breathe,it felt like every joint in my body ached and occassionally I wondered to myself " Is this what it feels like to go insane". I cried easily and hard, I argued with God (alot) and I shuffled around like a disabled mental health patient. It honestly felt like I was trying to live with only half my limbs working.My body seemed detached from my brain. I ate food, I didnt eat food. Sleeping felt like an enemy and I couldnt or wouldnt sleep. ( Later I took sleeping pills) to help me get into some kind of pattern. They helped alot.

The overwhelming grief and emotional periods have lessened a little now, and I am better at recognizing some triggers unlike before free falling and not even cognitively able to pull the ripcord ,ending up a total mess,  splattered on the ground, (figuratively speaking) or so fogged up with blurry and unstable thinking, by the 3/4th month I was tired of being sick an tired. I asked ,and kept asking until I got great counseling  ( Cancer Psychologist  from the hospital).   I made myself get up every day,shower, and do one thing every day for myself. ( walking,shopping,visiting) It was so hard,but I was motivated to make myself do what I said to do, and not what I felt like doing ( which was nothing). Oh I got sad at public places,bus stops,supermarkets,malls,Govt offices . Grief doesnt need apppointment ,it just blows in without an invite so I would just cry,blow my nose and cry some more.I didnt have time or energy to care what other people thought because I figure grief should be normal. I hate it, nobody will ever like it, but....It is what it is. A bleep bleep sad time!..And just as we laugh when we are happy , we cry when we are sad. Its ok not to be ok!

I will miss my baby until the day I die. I dont understand why we are all born to die. I will never accept some things,but I am closer to leaving the door closed to some questions, so it doesn't take up space in my head and sap my energy.( Boy theres not much there anyway).

Widow is such a horrible word. Comes as quite a jolt to see it written or spoken, and they are  meaning me! Shudder!

Loneliness, the emptiness that only a partner filled is such a huge intimate and personal void. Somehow I have to attach to other things or something else.

I dont know who I am anymore. I think thats ok. Who is anyone?

Thank you if you read to the end of my rambling. I just wanted to talk and feel like I was alive.

God Bless and remember  this much.

Love never dies. Amen.

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Carmen13,

As I read every word of your post, I could relate to and feel every single thing you said.  We've all been there, no matter what took our spouse, the end result was the same.  Cancer is especially hideous as it ravages bit by bit and you get to watch it happen, like watching a trainwreck you can't stop, only for a time you think you can, only to find out, nope, you can't.

As we watch scavengers prey on death, so does cancer only it doesn't just harvest it, it causes it.

You have found a good place to be, with others that get your feelings, all trying to make their way through this.  It's been twelve years for me, after about three years nothing much changed except I finally built a life I can live and found some purpose.  The first three years was pretty much just processing my grief.  You can't make sense out of the nonsensical, it's more about absorbing it, trying to take it in, trying to understand that it happened, how could it happen?!!  I miss my husband each and every day of my life.  Nothing has consumed me more, ever!  I talk to him, I look forward to being with him again someday, but I try to live in this day, this present moment, to embrace what IS rather than focus merely on what ISN'T.  I've learned to appreciate the little things...the big one is gone.

You'll receive responses here, you'll get to know the people here, as you get to know their stories...uncannily similar, details change, the outcome, the same.  Learning to make our way through grief.

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Hi KayC,

Thank-you for taking the time to respond. I like the part where you said "You cant make sense of the nonsensical", and you sharing about the time needed to process the grief etc (I understand it varies from person to person), and even though my head gets that ,it is so good to hear someone remind me ,encourage me afresh.

I didn't mean to come across as all negative, because compared to the early weeks, in retrospect perhaps even before Bobby passed my mind was continuously in the fast lane.

I know why my husband died. I am quite clear about that part.Like you, I talk to him frequently and I am confident I will see him again.

I guess I am trying to take care of myself better now too, sleep,diet ,exercise etc. Babysteps,nothing too drastic lol. ( It is summer here,so I can get outside and walk more). Plus just having more daylight in the day sure helped my moods alot.

Warm regards and thank you again!

 

 

 

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I’m so sorry for your loss, Carmen.  Your Bobby was blessed and appreciative I bet, to have his loving wife by his side, knowing you were doing all within your powers, to help him.  I so agree with what you say about end of life care. My feelings and thoughts on that subject, echo yours.  Thanks for sharing your lovely pic :) 

Grief is such a rough ride, very demanding of us and as you say, doesn’t need an appointment.  It often comes back to kick us down again just when we feel we’re making some headway.  I’ve just entered my third year - I had to retype that number as I still can’t get my head around it,  because my darlings death still feels so recent!  Nearly all of us here are trying to find out who we are, now. It will take time - Grief will not be rushed. 

The loss of a much loved partner changes almost everything in our world, as we knew it.  I doubt an hour passes without me thinking of my Gerry.  Life is very difficult without him.  Anything and everything that can go wrong, does and has,  but one has to keep soldiering on taking each day as it comes and look for any small joy in each of them. 

I’m sure you’ll find the compassion, understanding and support here, that I have.  

Sending you strength love and hugs XX

 

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Hi and hugs to you M88,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Gerry. He must be beaming with pride at the difference you make in other peoples lives! His girl.

Time has a way of standing still I have relised when it comes to our loved ones. My theory is our memories ,our emotions, our souls are so inter twined with our partners that how can anything separate those things. Certainly not a date on any calendar.

The shock has lessened, the depth of despair not as intense, but as you say we are continually evolving emotionally.

Thank you from the bottom of heart for listening to me and for your understanding!

Oh my pic, I tried to shrink it some (and thought I had) but it was late and clearly I didnt because there it is filling up the whole screen. My eldest son groaned when he saw the size of the pic, Mum he said, did you go into properties first and get the original file and work on that first. Hahaha, oh bless those Millennial babys huh! ....My blank stare said it all. Lol.

Thank you for the compliment. The funny thing about that pic is it looks like hes leaning in for a kiss, but the next pic shows him poking his tongue out at me, Hahaha.

I am more positive these days, and force myself to be thank-ful for small things, hoping it will eventually become a habit. Occasionally when I have to face  doing something on my own or make a decision, I just breathe. Mindfulness thinking is a very old Chinese custom, and it really is so simple and effective. Often its those many small moments that ones mind just needs a gentle nudge in another direction or to simply pause.

Oh and Monarch butterflies, and curious blackbirds come to peer or flit around me when Im crying or sad. I enjoy them so, I smile ,calm down and get up ,feeling a teeny bit stronger. I took a picture of this gorgeous Monarch because he actually landed on my foot first.

 

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Thank you, Carmen.  And thank you for the lovely compliment but to be honest, I spend more time being a pain in the butt to professional people than I do helping others. 

I saw some excellent supportive work going on at the hospital on Thursday.  A couple of retiree’s, volunteers running errands for both patients and medical staff  - and sitting chatting with patients when not busy.  It’s something I’ll consider doing when I move to the city.  I found it so tough being at hospital under such frightening circumstances without my dear man.  They could see that, and came and chatted at various times with me. 

Yes, we become much more intertwined with our soulmates than one could ever imagine.  The sudden separation akin to an amputation. We are left with no choice but to learn to how to live without our beloveds - an excruciating painful ordeal.  

Here in our wee grief family, we are free to express ourselves knowing we will be totally understood.  No one will respond with an empty platitude.  

I’m smiling about your lad groaning about your lack of photo resizing skills - and about your cheeky hubby poking his tongue out in the next one :)  He obviously had a good sense of humour.  It is really only with a soulmate that we feel uninhited enough to do these fun, childish things.  When we get to the stage of being able to smile, or smile and cry, at pix, we realise we are making some progress along this pot hole ridden road, called grief. Same as when we recall lovey outings or times we shared with our soulmates and can almost feel the warm fuzzies, we’d felt at the time.

The butterfly is gorgeous - the colours stunning!  Are they normally so unafraid that they’d land on you?   Without doubt, nature is calming and healing.  It’s great when a humble sparrow or a blackbird can lift one’s sadness a little.

When I got into photography a few years back, Gerry grew to love coming with me on native forest walks and fell in love with the Kereru also.  He was always on the lookout for them and although we don’t normally see many in our area, they’ve played a big part in signs sent from him.  Begining on the day of his Funeral. Two sat in a tree in the church yard next door - one facing our home, the other with it’s back to us. The sight brought tears to many of us.  I’d not seen them in that particular tree before and haven’t done since. It’s a window I look out of a lot. 

Strength, love and hugs. 

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Carmen 13....your experience hit me like a freight train. Tonight is 1 month since my husband passed away...I was with him through the night, into the morning, when he passed. He was 47. He, too had an aggressive and rare cancer.. and, yes...in the name of "comfort" , my man was so heavily drugged he didn't speak and barely responded for days before he passed. Cancer is the most hideous, vicious, cruel disease ever to exist...Kay C is right...you watch it take your beloved away, little by little, until all that's left is the pain. Being left behind is the cruelest...all I think is, how am I supposed to look after him now, if he's gone where I can't follow? I am glad you have begun to find some small glimmer of light...keep strong, dear lady. There are many wonderful people on this forum who have our backs and share the pain.  Xx

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2 hours ago, M88 said:

Yes, we become much more intertwined with our soulmates than one could ever imagine.  The sudden separation akin to an amputation. We are left with no choice but to learn to how to live without our beloveds - an excruciating painful ordeal.  

Here in o

M88...100% right. 

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22 hours ago, KayC said:

Cancer is especially hideous as it ravages bit by bit and you get to watch it happen, like watching a trainwreck you can't stop, only for a time you think you can, only to find out, nope, you can't.

As we watch scavengers prey on death, so does cancer only it doesn't just harvest it, it causes it.

Kay C - THIS!! I AM SO ANGRY WITH F***ING F***KING F***KING CANCER!! HOW DARE IT TAKE MY BEAUTIFUL SHINING MAN!! HOW DARE IT REDUCE HIM TO A PAIN FILLED SHADOW, SKIN AND BONES, BEFORE IT FINALLY DELIVERS THE COUP DE GRACE!!! 

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Carmen,

No apologies needed here and your post did not strike me as negative at all, just real, classic grief, we've all felt those same things.  I smiled as you relayed your son's response to your posting the photo, my son shakes his head at me too...I don't have his Engineering degrees in computer, electrical, and mechanical so I guess his expectation of me is a little high.  :)  Wait until they're this age!

 

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I have 3 sons all over 6ft tall. They are good boys, love me I know, but quite often when their thoughts or opinions of themselves get a bit too lofty lol, I remind them it was me who taught them how to use a spoon..:P..( haha)...

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Oz girl,

Wraps my arms around you in a big bear hug!

Oh you loving ,courageous,passionate human being! I bet your man loved that sassy and sweet spirit!

. Like an ocean that rages and whips against the rocks, I hear your cry, your screams, the muffled groans and unspeakable sounds of pain!

I hear you, your bright shining love of your life man hears you, God, The Universe hears you.

Breathe Oz girl, minute by minute, just breathe...

I remember kind people telling me just day by day ....but in my head I was thinking I don't think I can make it to the next fucking hour, what are you talking about!

My emotions swung faster than Big Bens I was over tired, anxious and numb. Each day felt like GroundHog day.

I got help from my Doctor and also a Cancer Psychologist  ( she had been a part of both our lives earlier on,cept hubby didn't really feel the need for her)......

I have only been on this site for a short while,but I am confident someone will always be ready to listen and compassionately support you.

Hola back at me anytime,Im only across the pond! x

 

 

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15 hours ago, Carmen13 said:

I have 3 sons all over 6ft tall. They are good boys, love me I know, but quite often when their thoughts or opinions of themselves get a bit too lofty lol, I remind them it was me who taught them how to use a spoon..:P..( haha)...

Haha, I like that!  My son is a genius, don't know how he got that, his dad and I weren't even close to that but even so, they have to show respect and come down from their high thinking and remember that we don't all have that capability.  BUT we do know a thing or two about life!  Intellect and wisdom are two different things.

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