Loss of both parents within a month

[dankelleherr]

Hello --

My name is Daniel, I am new here. I just turned 23 years old on January 14th. 

I recently lost both my mother and my father, fairly unexpectedly , 33 days apart. 

It all started 2 years ago. My family is from Southern New Jersey, and I had been living in South Florida since I was 19 years old. I had finally landed a great job in which I was able to give my parents a dream vacation. I flew them to Florida in July of 2016 for a week. They fell in love with Florida almost instantly. Immediately after they had returned to NJ, we had began talks about them potentially moving down to Florida with me. Fast forward to January of 2017, I had planned a trip to NJ to spend some time with them and I was going to bring my mother back for 2 weeks so she could go on the interviews she had set up in the area. A week before I had got there my dad called me and told me they were being evicted from their 2 bedroom apartment in which they lived with my older brother who is diagnosed with Autism. The week that I spent with them was basically consumed with moving their belongings to an extra property that my aunt had inherited. 

As we went about the move I had noticed my father had a really dry cough, and based on reports from my mom, he had been coughing like this since August of the previous year and refused to see a doctor about it. Because I did not know when I was going to see him again, I took him to the ER and they immediately admitted him. His pulse/ox level was a 62, which is the equivalent to someone who is dying. My mom went to him and asked him if she wanted him to stay or come with me to try to get them a fresh start. He tells her to go -- he wants to be in Florida.

My mom comes with me and starts living with me. Months go by and I get my mom a job at my company, and 2 months later she gets laid off along with everyone in her department. Meanwhile, my dad has been in and out of the hospital and was put on full time oxygen tanks. 

About October, my job had ended up moving us up to Atlanta, GA. I had sent my mother along with a UHAUL reservation and a train ticket for my father (he was unable to fly or go on a long car ride) to NJ to get him and bring him back. That week he ended up in the hospital, and now they were saying he either goes into Hospice care or gets a lung transplant. My mom had decided she was going to stay with him through the entire process. We finally got him a solid referral into Temple University Hospital for a lung transplant after trying for about a month. The day before Thanksgiving, my mom calls me at 9:15am and lets me know that Dad had a bad night, and he was put on life support. I had immediately booked a flight to NJ, I found a flight for $100 for Thanksgiving Day. Right after I confirmed my purchase, my work phone rang, the time was 9:32am. He had passed away after going into cardiac arrest while they were in the car on the way to the hospital. 

We had a very nice service for him, many people came. It was beautiful. 

My mom returned to Atlanta on December 6th, 2017, along with her returned atrial fibrillation in her heart. We were not sure until I tested her heart rate with my iWatch, and her resting heart rate read 187bpm. I took her to the emergency room where she was admitted for about a week and a half. They were supposed to perform a cardio version on her heart, but the technician they needed was stuck at the Atlanta airport when the power failed.  They discharged her, we picked up her medication and they had scheduled the procedure for December 26th at 9am. She hadn't been able to do much. On Christmas Eve she was the most active I had seen her. She cooked a nice meal and we watched some Christmas movies. She was experiencing depression from the loss of my father and I hadn't seen her smile or laugh until that night. We went to bed around 1am. I worked Christmas Day, and she normally sleeps in until after I leave. When I arrived home later that evening, with plans for dinner and a movie, I went into her room. She was still in her nightgown, to what seemed to me, she was sleeping. I said "What are you doing in bed, it's Christmas!" She did not answer, So I got closer, and she still did not answer. I shook her, she did not answer. She was cold to the touch. When I rolled her over, her face was blue. I called 911. When we had gotten to the hospital they had told me she had been gone for some time. 

My father passed away November 22, 2017 and my mother December 25, 2017.

 

I play those days over and over again in my head and I don't know how to process it. It is just me, my twin sister and our brother whom has Autism. 

I am planning a memorial service for them in Florida, the place they wanted to be all along. But I just don't know how to cope. I need some help.

[tessa]

Hi dankelleherr,
I read your story and I don't know what to say. If only I was near where you are, I would come over and give you a big hug.
Reader will her here soon with a list of places you can go to find help/support
The only one I know is griefshare.org Have a look and see if you can find a group near you

[reader]

Dear Daniel,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is unbearable. There is a lot on your young shoulders. Please know that grief is very hard on the mind and body. It is only natural and normal to replay those moments over and over again. I did too and even one year later, I still do it.

For now, just try and be kind and gentle with yourself. Take everything moment by moment. Don't push too hard. Just getting by each day will be a win. I know its not easy and if you need someone to talk to or just listen, please know we are all here. I found these websites helpful in coping with my loss:

What's Your Grief

The Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common

GriefShare.Org

The Grief Recovery Method

Tiny Buddha

Legacy.com

If you can consider talking to grief counsellor or joining a grief support group in your area.

Thinking of you and your family during this extremely difficult time. With all my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Fani]

Oh my god I can not imagine how you are feeling. I lost my mom recently and I am a mess. You lost both of your parents, your world must be upside down ever since. If you want to talk I am here and I’m willing to help as much as I can. I know everything seems very shity but I hope that as time goes by it will get easier (as easy as it can get). You are not alone. Ask people who are close to you for help or advise and talk about it as much as you can. 

[Astral Projection]

Oh my god. I can't. This is too much. So sad. I wish I could give you a hug. I'm crying just by reading your post. 

[Dreams10]

Hi Daniel -- 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I read your story and knew that I had to respond.  I am also from South Jersey, and my mom also passed away due to complications from atrial fibrillation and arrhythmia.  I had just talked to my mom the day before she passed away, and she felt fine.  I miss her so much.  I know what you're going through -- believe me.  

I'm here to tell you that it gets better every day and you have people who care about you, like your siblings and friends.  I found that planning the service was therapeutic and showed me just how many people loved my mom.  

Be well.  And know that everyone on this site and everyone who has lost a parent suddenly (or at any time) is here for you.  

[Heartbroken_mish]

Daniel,

I know exactly what you are going through.   I find myself in the same place as you. Not knowing what to do. I am so sorry you are also going through this. There are similarities with us. I am also a twin and from New Jersey and lost both of my parents last month, within three weeks of eachother. While I am a little older than you I imagine you are also feeling like you did not have enough time with them. I wish I could be of more help. All I can say is that I imagine you have asked yourself “ who does this happen to?”  and you have probably thought “no one else” but here I am too. You are not alone. My heart goes out to you.