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How did we end up here..?


Osmara

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On November 18, 2016 my life changed forever. Since that date I've never been the same.. I'm trying to figure out what is my purpose, who I am.. I'm trying to figure out this thing called life. November 18.. Brings instant tears to my eyes, the day I lost the love of my life and my best friend. For over a year now I been trying to help myself with a positive mentality, a heart filled with faith, I've read a couple of self help books/ grieving books I go for walks and enjoy nature I make projects dedicated to my sweetheart in heaven. However I felt it was time for me to reach out and get advice from people who have experienced what is all so new to me. I'm scared.. Of my future I'm scared of everyone I'm scared of my own thoughts sometimes. Denis, my sweet love.. Where do I begin? Denis was a very sweet genuine person. Although there were factors in life that made him very sad and stressed he always brought a smile to those around him. Always a bright vibrant smile on his face, a bubbly ..funny ..goofy loving 24 year old. I'm 23 and one thing I hate is when people tell me I'm young and life continues but that's not the case. I've dated people before but no one like Denis. He brought out the happy little girl that lives inside of me that we as adults tend to forget about. Denis made me live my life to the fullest everyday I can't tell you how much he made me smile and laugh. My bestest friend in the whole world, My sweet Den. We spent everyday together and I always felt those butterflies. Have you ever looked at someone you love while they're driving or doing something so small and just smile because they're the most wonderful soul you've ever met. Life  brought us together in a mysterious way and I know it was written in our journey to meet. Now that he is no longer here I feel so confused so sad I feel bitter and angry I feel insecure and unsafe. It's an emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to help myself, it's tough getting used to this new "normal" we all hear the basics.. They're always with us and we have to keep pushing forward right? Some people just don't understand or how about the times when you just wanna break down but you keep it in because you feel like you talk about your loved ones so much that you don't wanna sound like a broken record or some people just feel awkward and don't know the proper things to say... And I don't blame them. Time keeps moving along and I see all my friends settling down with their  significant other and living life to the fullest and here I am.. Part of my mind lives in the past part of my mind tries to keep up with now. To be here for those that still love and need me. The problem is I lost my soulmate and it might sound absurd or crazy to some and that's okay because at the end of the day no one was in my shoes except myself, but I did. I never believed in many things but Den had to go to be part of me forever he still sends me signs and I love everyone of them but I just miss him. I would like to hug him and hold his hand tell him it will be alright. it hurts so much because well I really am deeply in love with him and even though he's not here in this physical dimension I see him in my dreams and feel him everywhere. Everyday I think of him.. Everyday I miss him.. Everyday I cry for him.. On my really rough days that's when it hits me the most. When I used to have bad days I would run to him and he made it all better by cracking a silly joke or simply a hug meant the world to me. In the generation I live in now people scare me so much. Sometimes I'm convinced den and me had old souls installed in young bodies. How do you do it ? How do you continue on with a broken heart? Because since Denis passed away a part of me died with him too I've been so destroyed inside that I don't recognize myself anymore. ive lost who I am.

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Hello Osmara, I’m very sorry for the loss of your beloved Denis.  I hope you will find the support, compassion and understanding that I’ve found here.  My Gerry was funny and goofy also.  I so miss all the silly sayings and habits that developed over our 22 years together.  My tummy still does a sickening flip when I see or hear something silly said or done that was ‘ours’.  Maybe it always will.  

The fear part of grief is something we all experience, as our futures have been whipped out from under us - we have lost our place in the world as we knew it, and if our loved ones death was sudden or traumatic, often our sense of safety as well.  

That you are enjoying nature is good.  I learnt very quickly that to stay sane, I had to take anything that made me feel a little better and build on it.  I’ve not progressed much in that area as yet.  Initially my bedroom was the only place I felt even remotely safe, so I bought a few new bits and bobs to make it more cosy.  

We too loved the outdoors but so far I’ve only felt the odd, very short feeling of pleasure that nature used to bring me.  None of my old interests have returned.  I sometimes wonder if they won’t and if not, will it matter?  Maybe those nice parts of my life died with my darling.  I can’t use the words new normal.  There’s a few words that bug me because I associate them with happy times - journey springs to mind. 

Reading quotes helps me considerably. There are masses to be found via google images.  I print meaningful and inspirational ones off and have some placed in different rooms.  Plus I look at them in my iPad most nights.  There are a lot that could go a long way to informing friends and family as to how grief is affecting you.  In hindsight, I should have had some of those ones in my living room so some of my visitors over the holiday period could read them - they may have saved me snapping at them for the stupid things some of them were saying.  Some folk think that because we finally had the driver who killed my darling charged, then convicted back in October, that I should give up trying to have the same done for the second person I hold equally responsible for his death, go and ‘start living my life again’ !! 

I have just recently realised that only I can do something about feeding my starving soul,  so I’ve set myself a long term goal to save for a much needed holiday. Somewhere different to where my hubby and I would normally choose to go.  Most of my closest friends live far from me now and will be disappointed that I don’t take them up on their offers to visit them but they’ll get over it. I need to do what I feel will hopefully nourish my soul.  

I send you strength, love and hugs Osmara XX 

 

 

 

 

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Thank you so much I really appreciate your kind words and I hope that you keep pushing forward that you find things that fulfill your soul I know it will be different now it's a different lifestyle but our journey hasn't ended we are here for a reason 

xoxo

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Osmara,

They may tell you life continues because it seems to for all but you...I remember wondering how in the world the sun could go on shining when my George died, I'm sure you've wondered the same since losing Denis.  You've found a place here where people get it, they understand, unless they've been through it themselves they can't possibly even though they mean well.

I wrote this based on my 12 year grief journey, and I hope even one thing from it is of help to you (to those who've read this before, ignore and skip past it)...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Hi Osmara,

All here experienced what you have gone through. Very very hard, My wife died last March 2017  and my grief is still the same as when the day she died.

Everything what KayC said in his list is advisable to do. Hang in there and set little goals for yourself. One day at a time and take your time.  

From the saddest person on earth to another.

-YuYu

 

 

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Always so sad to read these posts. November 17th, 2017 was when my earth shattered...two months now. I’m still early; it gets different but not easier. I cry less but even dumb things make me cry. 

All I do is distract myself with work now and spend my time at home really honoring his memory and my grief. 

Im in a support group which has helped me a bit. It’s virtual but it’s other people who have suffered loss — and mostly partner loss. For whatever reason, we all happened to lose our beloveds in 2017...I guess the more recent, the more you need it. 

I smile sometimes when I hear lyrics that remind me of him or notice number patterns or have a computer problem he could’ve fixed. I find joy in nothing but solace in memories of him. I was robbed of a lifetime with him AND if I didn’t believe he was somewhere else now, I’d likely also not be around.

Nobody knows what to say to us because there’s no right thing to say: trust that YOU are doing THE BEST JOB POSSIBLE to honor his memory and that you are loved. 

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