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I'm not ready.....


Sarah&Ava

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Thank you KayC, Ava did go very quickly which was a blessing and a sign that she was ready, I think if I had done it Friday she would perhaps have fought it because I think although I know it was close I didn't think she was ready and still wanted to fight on.  I know what you mean about Arlie's smell, that's how I feel about Ava that it's her smell and I love it because it's her.  I hope you're right and her spirit does hoover for a while, I'm trying to tell myself she's still here it's just her physical body that's gone, but it's hard when it's their physical body you long to snuggle up to.  I have been talking to Ava though and have told her that I know the lure of whatever the better place is and I'm sure it is heavan regardless of what peopel like your ladies group said I for one wouldn't want to go to heaven if there were no animals there and we are all god's children so of course they would be there, anyway I've told Ava that if she could stay with me for a while until I adjust to her not being here physically and then she can start to leave me gradually until I am strong enough to cope without her with me all the time but still come back and check on me from time to time I would really like and appreciate it. 

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I don't believe it, I pulled my morning tarot card and said to Ava before I clicked the button, come on Ava lets pick todays card, which one shall we pick and ran the mouse over the spread of cards, I was drawn to one of them so I clicked on it and.......... it was the strength card again, just like yesterday, it's very very rare to pull the same card 2 days in a row.  In the reading it says that 'if you feel you can't go on or handle a situation, this card is saying I'm here with you and you will get through this'

I really do believe this is Ava's way of letting me know she is here with me and we will get through this together.
Ava small pic.jpeg  strength copy.jpg

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Oh wow, that really is amazing!  You were so connected with her, I love that you KNEW each other well enough for you to know when was the right time and for her to know just how to bring you comfort.

Dogs are what makes life wonderful, they really are.  They lack people's baggage, they just give love and enjoyment and hone our perspective and outlook on life so I'm with you on how you believe about dogs in heaven.  

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Wow Sarah, that is crazy and such a wonderful sign that Ava is with you - her strength is there for you.

I hope things are going okay, I know it is still very hard, it is so nice though to read this. I feel so lucky to have had the bond I had with my C cat. And its so amazing to see so many others here like you who had these incredible bonds too. 

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Today has been the hardest so far.  The reality of her being gone is sinking in and it hurts so so badly.   I read somewhere that when our furbabies die their spirits are not quite sure what to do so they continue with their normal routines while they figure it our.  So today I followed our normal routine such as when I my alarm clock went off I said morning Ava and got out of bed saying lets get a cup of tea and go wee wee and went into the kitchen and as I flicked the kettle on I opened the back door, holding it open just long enough for her to go out just like every other morning and then made my tea and opened the door to let her back in just as I normally would and even opened her treat drawer and talked to her about her treats because I thought that even if there is the slightest chance that she is here and is following her normal routines she would know that I still want her here and am open for her to be here and to communicate with me if she is able to.  it was after this I pulled the tarot card so not sure if she is still doing her routines and that was her way of letting me know.  I almost don't want to pull a card tomorrow in case I get a different card now though :(

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Last night was another tough one, it's so hard to find a way through it. This morning I did our normal routine and had a bath, I talked to Ava for over and hour about just everything I was thinking and feeling and then went to have my morning cup of tea and tarot, well I was so anixous because I was scared I would not get our card again, which I new was so improbable but nevertheless I pull the card no strength card, I broke down in tears and cried and cried then I decided to do the 12 card spread and begged Ava to let the our card, the strength card be one of the 12 so I knew she was still with me.  The first card, the heart of the situation card was....yup the strenght card!!!! the rest of the cards that followed were amazing to because they related so well to the situation and what I had been talking about with her this morning there was the card saying I was to focused on the things that went wrong in the past but not noticing all the good that had also happened and I do focus on the bad things I did with Ava and not all the good things.  then the death and grief cards and also a card with a rainbow on it and other cards related to what i had been talking about, I cried and thanked her for coming to me and giving me a sign.  She is amazing even in death.

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Sarah,

I don't know anything about tarot cards but I'm glad you got the strength and felt her with you.  This is the hardest thing in the world, sending you hugs.

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I love the quote on your profile. I feel the same about cats as I am a cat owner (owned by cat.) 

You would think each day gets easier but that is not always the case. I found, once my shock wore off that reality hit and a few days in I had some really anguished periods. Deep profound sadness is what it is. 

I am glad the cards give you comfort and that show you Ava is around. Keep doing what you can do be okay. I know the pain.   

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Hey Sarah, hope all is okay with you. I was just thinking of you. Wondered if you were throwing yourself into work. 

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So it was a week ago today that I had Ava put to sleep, today has been full of this time last week, replaying the day minute by minute.  I've cried and cried not because I regret the decison because I know it was absolutely the right thing for Ava but because it not only marks the day I lost her and I miss her so so so much but also because it's a big milestone, a passing of time.  All week it's been a week of going  'a week ago we were doing......'  I still haven't been able to move any of her things from her bowls. bed, toys to her muddy paw prints on the kitchen and dining room floors.  I know these things will come in time, but that's why today was so sad because she's already moving into my past where she was alway the present, the here and now.  Also I haven't felt her presence the last couple of days like I had earlier in the week, I'm still talking to her and doing our normal routines, but the only way I can describe it is that she is moving from my now to my past which breaks my heart.

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Oh Sarah, I've been wondering how you're doing...that is so heartbreaking.  I like to think of them heading to the Rainbow Bridge where they are well and happily playing with others and awaiting our reunion.  We want them to be well and happy, so that is a good image to keep in mind.  I'm sure she'll check in with you now and then, to make sure you're doing okay.  

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I know exactly what you mean. I didn't feel my cat at all but we were not at home - we were in a different house. Anyway, there are those milestones and they are painful. Take your time and deal with her things when you feel ready. 

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Hi KayC and AJWCat, thank you all for checking in on me. 

I'm doing ok, I've taken on extra work to keep me busy, it's the only thing keeping me sane at the moment, I went away with work for a few days to get our of the house which did me some good but the coming homing bit was hard.  The weekends and nights are still hard and involve lots of tears.  Sundays are the worst still because I replay step by step the lead up to the vet turning up at 12.15pm to put Ava to sleep and watch the clock tick by to 12.40pm til it was all over and Ava's body was taken by the crematorium people.  It's been 2 weeks and sometimes it seems like forever and at others it seems like only a day or 2 has passed since Ava was plodding round the house.  This weekend has been really tough because it's snowed quite heavily so the weather conditions are the same as that last weekend.  This in itself is really strange because we hardly ever get snow and when we do it never usually settles, the UK is to damn damp usually.  Ava loved the snow though and it only fell and settled twice in her life and one of those was her last weekend so it's bittersweet that we have heavy soft snow now and no Ava to bound out in the snow, I look out into the back garden and see no paw prints or little yellow patches of snow and feel so so sad. 

I spent hours over the weekend collating all the pictures I have on her from various hard drives, memory sticks, phones etc and some of my old dog Ava and went to an online site called Snapfish where you can make mugs, canvas prints, and photobooks and have made mugs, travel mugs and a family photo book of both Ava and Jasmine because they are my family.  I cried alot but it also felt good to go through the photos, I was sad though as I realised I have not got any photo's other than 2 I had printed out of her first 3 years of her life, all her puppy pictures which I remember so vividly are gone, I remembered back when she was stll a big bouncy still very puppy like dog she knocked a cup of tea out of my hand all over my laptop and fried it, including all the pictures of her.  Since that day I   have been fanatical about backing things up and although at the time it happened I was upset because I lost the pictures, it seems worse now. But these are all things you just have to accept and let go.

 

KayC how's your sister doing?


I hope you guys are ok I know you are all hurting too so I'm really touched you are still thinking about me and Ava.  XX

Ava during the first time she ever saw snow....



2013-01-18 11_Fotor.jpg 






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Sarah,

I'm glad to hear from you, I've been wondering how you were and the thoughts of Ava's sweet face kept entering my mind.  I love dogs so much, it's so hard to lose them.  It makes me wonder if her spirit is still there, especially with the snow...

My sister seems the same, she says she's dying, she says she won't be able to go to lunch with us again, I can't imagine that, I want everything to go on like it had been.  I've for the most part accepted what will be will be, but not sure a part of us can ever fully grasp or accept this.  After all, it's been almost 13 years since my sweet husband died and the missing him has not lessened at all, I've just gotten more used to it, if anything I miss and love him all the more and appreciate everything about him.

I haven't ever done snapchat or snapfish or even instagram, I guess I'm an old fogey, I need a young person around to show me.  It sounds wonderful, being able to design a mug! like that!  I'm sorry you lost your pictures.  I don't trust the cloud (my son laughs about that), but I back up everything once a month to an external hard drive and onto my laptop...wishing my son would hurry up and get done working on my laptop and get it back to me.  He gets busy.

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I'm glad your sister is still hanging in there.  I have been thinking of you both and how you're getting on, hopefully she'll keep fighting and you'll have more time together.

I think I may have overdone the pictures and keepsakes and will end up with a crazy dog woman house with nothing but pictures, placemats, coaster, mugs and the like of my dead dogs but it really is easy to use these sites (they must be because I'm not very techie myself)!!!!  They didn't do things like that when Jasmine died so I just have one picture of her in a frame but this makes it so easy to have more tangible things like a mug, I drink lots of tea so having Ava on a mug is something I will use daily.

I've been finding it harder the more time passes.  I think the first week I was so exhausted and her energy was still present in the house and maybe I was in a bit of denial that she was gone.  Into the second week and I went away for a few days with work which helped but since Friday I've really felt the loss.  She doesn't feel as present in the house anymore I guess because I'm not expecting to see her or hear here anymore whereas in the first week my brain was primed to see her and as time passes that primming fades, although I still do our routines and even 'put her out for a wee' in the mornings and normal breaktimes but I don't feel her around anymore.  I'm more aware of her absence as everyday passes which is hard but I know it's a process and I just have to go with it and eventually it will get better.

 

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I know of nothing harder to go through than grief.  It has no ending, but it does become more tolerable with time and effort.

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Sarah, it is weird the first couple weeks. Because you are learning to be without them but it feels so wrong, the heartache is still so deep. And life just marches on and we do too. The loss is more obvious. So for it's worth, I know what you are going through. I held onto my grief for a long long time without wanting to stop being sad because it was all I had left of my cat.  

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6 hours ago, AJWCat said:

Sarah, it is weird the first couple weeks. Because you are learning to be without them but it feels so wrong, the heartache is still so deep. And life just marches on and we do too. The loss is more obvious. So for it's worth, I know what you are going through. I held onto my grief for a long long time without wanting to stop being sad because it was all I had left of my cat.  

AJWCat that's so true about not wanting to stop being sad because it's all you had left, it's a strange feeling because one one hand you want the pain to stop but on the other it does feel like the only connection you have and letting that pain go is like breaking that connection.  I think I'm a long way from being able to let go yet and I know it's still very early days but yes life does just march on, the days pass and so do the weeks which makes me sad because it takes her a little bit further away from me as each day passes when all I want to do is hold her near and never let her go.  I know gradually it will get easier it's just so raw right now.

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Somehow life marching on doesn't seem right when you feel like everything good about your life just ended.  It's weird, but it is kind of a testament to resilience even though we don't feel it.  I remember when my husband died, I didn't see how the sun could go on shining!

 

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Today Ava's ashes were returned.  I've wanted her ashes home so much because I hated her being in a strange place even though I knew it wasn't her it was just her shell.  However, I can't stop crying  since I got her ashes back. I hate that my big cuddly ball of fluffiness is now in this cold metal urn.  I keep telling myself, it's not her it's just her physical shell it's not her but I feel so so sad and miss her so much. I hate this so much.

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Oh man. I am glad that she is back with you, but Sarah, she never left, her spirit has been with you all along, even when you are not feeling it. And she is in your heart all the time too. But I do believe her spirit is there. And she is warm and safe and dry.  Her ashes are nice way to remember her and honor her but she is not in there.

I know you miss her. I am so sorry. 

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Sarah,

You know it's not her, her spirit is still alive, but it is the remains of what housed her, and you loved that as part of her, so I hope you will find comfort in having her ashes with you.  I scattered my husband's ashes in our backyard, because this is the place he felt most comfortable and loved so much.  He, like me, loves nature, and although all we had is an old broke down worn out mobile home (40 years old now), the property and surroundings are so beautiful and that was what mattered to us.  But I remember when I got his ashes back, it was in a plastic box that they charged me $75 for, it looked like a kleenex holder with a nickel's worth of plastic.  I remember looking at that and thinking, how can this big strong man be reduced to THIS??!!  But it was his remains so I honored it all the same as part of him, even though I know his spirit still remains.  His personality, his memories, what made him HIM is still with me and I believe it is that way with our animals too.  The Bible says someday we'll get a new body and be resurrected and we'll be together with the Lord, and I believe that.  It is my hope!  I know others have differing beliefs and that's up to them, but for me, I believe wholeheartedly that I'll be with my husband, my parents, my animals that have gone on before me, and I look forward to that.  Oh God how we wish we could hold them again!!!

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My sister, Donna, passed away this morning.  The finality hasn't sunk in yet, I've been busy making phone calls all day.

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You're right AJWcat and KayC she is still here with me and I know I have to hold on to that.

KayC that sounds like a wonderful way to honour your husband, I know what you mean about thinking how can someone be so big and strong yet reduced to so little. I've got both dogs ashes now and have requested in my will that when I die I want to be cremated and have my ashes and Ava's and Jasmine's ashes put in a bio urn which is then used to grow a tree.  

Like you KayC.  I believe that one day we will be renuited, i'm not sure in what form  but I do believe that we will see our loved one's again, I think these kinds of bonds are too strong to just stop.

Oh no, I was just about to press post when I saw your message about Donna, I'm so so sorry.

Are you ok, stupid question I know but I hope you're ok. 

 

 

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19 hours ago, Sarah&Ava said:

when I die I want to be cremated and have my ashes and Ava's and Jasmine's ashes put in a bio urn which is then used to grow a tree.  

That sounds like a wonderful idea!  That is worthy of consideration.  I've told my kids that when I go I want my ashes where George's ashes were scattered, I know it's symbolic at best as his ashes have long since blown away or returned to the earth, but symbolism or not, it means something.  I want Arlie with me too so will undoubtedly have his ashes scattered with me.  We have what we call "the family plot" where all our dogs and cats are buried and George's ashes lay.

We got nine inches of pure sludge (snow the consistency of wet cement, super heavy) yesterday and I shoveled in between making phone calls, a VERY hard day.  I ended up getting sick from the stress, just nerves.  I was out there shoveling into the night.  This morning I have another 3 1/2 inches of the same wet heavy stuff, ugh...will take my time shoveling it today as my back is feeling it.

One sister was at the casinos, one dealing with realtors, contractors and packing as she's selling her house, another took off for Mexico as soon as she got off work, and my brother (Donna's biological son) left for a week long business trip so the phone calls were all mine to make.  Peggy got back from the casinos last night and called Donna's friend and her exBIL as I didn't have their numbers.  A thoroughly hard day.  We plan to all get together along with Donna's caregivers as they were truly her family too and have a private time of celebration...we'll wait until things settle down a bit so we can all talk and agree on how this should look and when.  Donna didn't have enough people in her life for an actual funeral, and she wasn't big on organized religion, so a small private celebration seems more fitting.

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Gosh that sounds like such hard work and with everything else you are having to deal with must be horrendous.  I'm thinking of you and know how difficult it must be to keep going, you've taken on so much and making all of those calls much have been so emotionally draining.

I love that you are planning a celebration for Donna, it's such a wonderful tribute but also had to do because it's hard to celebrate a life that's now lost to us but think a small private  celebration of the people that knew, loved and cared for your sister is a much bigger tribute than some big fancy service with lots of people who barely knew or cared for her.

You're in my thoughts and although I know these are going to be difficult days for you, I can tell from your posts that you have survived so many truly sad and tragic events in your life and have such great internal strenght that you wll get through this also.

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Thank you, Sarah. I think there's no telling what people can survive when they have to.  It's no less than your losing Ava, that is very very hard.  Yes making the phone calls was draining.  I made more yesterday inbetween shoveling some more.  Hoping for a respite from the snow today, we got a little hail during the night.

When my husband died we had a funeral at our church and it was packed out.  It felt good to see so many turn out for him, anywhere from the mayor to the homeless!  What was hard was seeing all of those "friends" and even his family disappear afterwards.

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I don't evny you with all that snow and bad weather, I'm so glad we don't get anything like that here in the UK.  It's acutally the start of British Summer Time today, which means the clocks have gone forward by an hour.  This meant that as ths is the day I had Ava put to sleep 3 weeks ago I had to repeat that moment twice today :(

It sounds like your husband was an amazing man and was well liked and respected by many people, but yes even so people soom move on and 'forget' even the most well like and respected.  That's a very hard thing to deal with and I guess is why you love your furbabies so much because they're the ones that are still there when everyone esle has gone. 

Hopefully you'll get a break in the weather and your back will have a break from shovelling all that snow.

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Oh my goodness, @KayC I am so sorry. I hope you are okay. I know you have been aware of this for so long, such a hard road, I never want to be one of those people that says the wrong thing, I believe she is no longer in pain or suffering, and that at least is good. 

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I am glad for her that she is out of her suffering and being imprisoned in her own body...yet for us sisters, it's really hard to let go.  Yesterday I found my brain not working right with all the stress and I loaded my woodstove without opening the bypass door...which means I've cracked my catalytic combuster.  I absolutely knew better, but my brain was disengaged, I think just all of the stress.  

A part of me feels like this is just the start of losing my siblings, one by one, and I hate that!  Three of them are older than me, I'm not liking this.

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Oh KayC that's bad luck, but I know how easy it is do things like that, I've found cups of tea in the fridge, cheese in the freezer and countless other stupid things that happen when your brain just can't process what's going on. 

I feel for you when you talk about losing your siblings, one of my friends said she envied me once, I asked her why, she said that I never had to watch my family get old and die, at the time I thought she was being a bit harsh and didn't know how hard life was without family, then I found out her dad had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and she was his primary carer and for the first time I realised that I would never have to go through the pain she was going through, since then I have watched a number of friends have to go through this process and can see how hard it is for them and almost feel blessed to have been spared this pain.

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Oh but you are going through it, with Ava, they are our family members, as close to our heart as any people, if not more.  Dementia is a whole new ballgame though, I went through that with my mother...very hard, and yet it was a special time with her too, hard to put into words.

Waiting for ashes to come back...

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How are you KayC, you have been in my thoughts. 

I went away with work again, I've been taking on a few out of area assignments just to get out of the house because it feels so hard to be home all the time without Ava, usually I would have turned them down because I wouldn't want to leave her but at the moment they are a blessing. 

My friend who's mum also had dementia said the same thing, he learnt so much about his mum during that time because she had always been so guarded about her past but talked about it fluidly when she had dementia, she would oftern slip into the past.  He knew she had spent time in a POW camp as a child and was smuggled out but had her whole family wiped out (she was a German Jew) but she didn't talk about it and they had quite a difficult relationship but during her illness he gained so much insight into his mother and how and why she had some of the difficulties she had so as hard as it was, he also gained a lot of of that time as well.

I hope you are ok, have you had the ashes back yet?

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Nope, having heard back from the Crematory yet.  My sister asked me if I've gotten her card yet, I paused before answering...I told her I've received several cards, but I'm saving them to open the day we hold her private celebration, I figure I'll need them the most that day.  She said she understood.  I know I need to send some out, to her caregivers, to my siblings...just haven't done so yet, maybe next week.

I know what you mean about the assignments, sometimes it helps to keep busy...

Yes, I know what you mean about the dementia, my mom had that as well.  She went back in time.

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