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Sarah&Ava

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@Sarah&Ava I was thinking about Ava this morning... You said above that you are struggling because Ava is doing well but you know it is only temporary, I understand what you mean. Someone said to me (under a similiar circumstance) that “everything is temporary”. Which when you think about it - it’s true. We don’t “own” as much as we think we do. We can plan & prepare but we can’t contol. All we can do is live in the moment. And that’s what Dog’s do I think - they live & love in the moment. All you can do is love and spend your best days with her. When you think about it, tomorrow doesn’t exist for any of us yet.

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Ava would be a furbaby I would love to meet. Hearing you talk about quirky things she does makes me smile. I can imagine her through your stories. I'm glad you have been given time to be with her. I'm also glad that you have captured those moments. I know it's hard to watch now but know they will comfort you later. 

I'm sorry to hear that your friend has decided to live her life without the love of furbabies. I understand what she means but every living thing has an ending. You can't go through life trying to prevent it. I couldn't imagine my life without furbabies. Even going through the pain of loosing them, I would do it again. They show us a love that humans can't. They love us with all our faults. They don't love us because we spend money on them and you don't have to bribe them to spend time with you. They are always there to welcome you home. They are there when no one else is. I can keep going on. They also help with our health. Well mine have. Your friend and her family are missing out on something great. 

Sarah I want to thank you for being there during Jacob's journey. Its comforting when you have people who understand your bond with your furbaby who are there for you. With the support here, it makes the grieving process easier. 

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Thank you Furbaby, Ava, like all our furbabies has a quirky character all of her own which means she will never be replaced because there will never be another Ava.  I know capturing some of these Avaisms will in time bring me comfort and I will be able to look back on them and laugh and feel happy.  I agree with you about the benefits of owning furbabies, I simply can't imagine not having them in my life even with the heartbreak that their short lives eventually bring us.

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MyMocha's post resonated so much with me, every word of it so true.  Nothing prepares us for death.  We do need to remind ourselves each day we have with them is a blessing, it's hard when they're slipping away or not feeling well.

I'm still battling Colitis with Arlie, he was better but I found blood in his stool last night, I couldn't sleep after that.  I've been to vets, it doesn't help, he can't tolerate antibiotics, the food they've told me to try he can't tolerate either, so I'm doing what I know to do, what has worked in the past and praying his intestines heal up once again.  It hurts so much when our babies are hurting.

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KayC, I hope Arlie's feeling better, it's horrible when they are sick because they look to you to make them better and we don't have the answers and nor do the vets sometimes, but I do think we know are pets so much better than vets and pick up tricks along the way after having a few furbabies that we can sometimes do better than vets.  I hope Arlie feels better soon x

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KayC I am sorry to hear that your Arlie is still sick.It's scary when the vets are unable to help our pets.I hope with all my heart that you'll find the way to make him get better.Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

Sarah I am glad that you were given the opportunity to capture your sweet Ava's quirks on photos and videos, it is comforting to memorize her as much as you can. I am so sorry things are this way but this time lease is truly a blessing.I know you are savoring every minute of it.

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I am Maria or I'm trying to, I know I'm lucky in many ways, especially when I read some of the posts on this forum when their furbabies were taken away from them suddenly, in a tragic accident or became ill very suddenly, leaving people with no time to prepare of say proper goodbyes.  I don't think you can ever prepare for the lost of a furbaby, no matter what there age or health issues.  I know people have said to me, 'well she is old so it was going to happen soon anyway' but it doesn't matter how old or young they are, it doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye.

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You are so right, whether people or pets, no time is good to lose them, no life is long enough, nothing truly prepares us for the finality of living our life without them, no matter how long they're sick.  Arlie is improving slowly, but this is a life long thing we deal with and it's a struggle.  Vets haven't been able to offer any solution because he can't tolerate the medicine or food they peddle.  I've learned a lot through the internet and a friend who cooked for her dog but their conditions being different it's not entirely the same.  We have to find what works for us.

Sarah&Ava, I'm confused, you said you're Maria...I thought your name was Sarah, did I misunderstand you?

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@KayC

11 hours ago, KayC said:

Sarah&Ava, I'm confused, you said you're Maria

I think she was responding to Maria9's comments to video document time with Ava.

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Been struggling over the last few days.  Ava had a good week last week which was enough for me to be an ostrich about the cancer, however Friday and Saturday night she was quite restless and struggled to on her walks, even really short 3 or 4 minute ones.  She is still eating well and is still bouncy (for her) at home but the walks are really telling, anyway I have also noticed 3 lumps around her neck which werem't there before surgery so I know they are tumours.  I know time is running out and now it will be a day by day thinkg not week by week.  I still don't feel any more ready to let her go than when I first made this post and my heart is breaking.  Tomorrow I have to visit the head office for work, I'm dreading it because it means the day away from her and with the days counting down I just want to be with her, not that it does any good because I just sit and cry most days.  I know you have all been or are going through this so will understand that even though I know it's coming I just can't deal with the thought of her not being with me and knowing that in the next few days I am going to have to make the worst decison in the word, however right it is.

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Sarah,

I can relate as I am going through it with my sister right now, she is dying.  Not cancer, she is quadriplegic, aspirates easily into her lungs, gets Pneumonia, the doctors gave up and won't hospitalize her anymore, sent her home to die with hospice.  I've battled for her the last two and a half months and now realize we're losing her.  By rights she should be gone by now but she's willing herself to live.

Anticipatory grief is hard.  You don't have closure, there is nothing neat or cut and dried about it, we get our hopes up, only to have them dashed.  We live with the threat and thought of death but it's in a constant state of limbo so there's no progressing our way through it.  It's living moment by moment, taking what is and trying to accept what is to come even though every fiber of our being is fighting it.  Very hard place to be in.

I'm sorry, I wish there was some hope...for your Ava, for my Donna, keep trying to enjoy each moment with her.  I'm sorry you have to go into work tomorrow.  You and Ava are in my thoughts and prayers.

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KayC I'm so sorry about your sister, that's so terrible.  You have experienced so much loss in your life yet you offer so much comfort to others.  You are a remarkable and very special person.  You hit the nail on the head about anticipatory grief, it is like being in a state of limbo, there are moments that I wish it was all over and then I feel such crushing guilt for thinking such an awful thing. 

It must be so hard to watch your sister die like this, knowing that even in her condition isn't ready to let go and is still fighting for her life I can't even imagine how horendous that must be for you.

I'm thinking of you both and thank you for your insight and kind words when you are also going through such a difficult time.

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@Sarah&Ava oh goodness I hoped there would be a lot more time for you and Ava. I know how hard it is to look at her and feel the inevitable. I really do and I know it hurts. It is such a helpless feeling and you just can't prepare for it. Sending you so much love to get through the days ahead. Hoping you have more time and she is just having a bad day. It is such a difficult situation. You know we are all here for you and your sweet Ava.

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@KayC, I am so sorry to hear about your sister. There are no words. I will be thinking of you in the days ahead. Just so sorry dear. Hugs

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Sarah, I know how tormenting these past few weeks have been. My heart goes out to you. I wish you did not have to go in to work tomorrow & could stay with beautiful Ava.

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18 hours ago, Sarah&Ava said:

You hit the nail on the head about anticipatory grief, it is like being in a state of limbo, there are moments that I wish it was all over and then I feel such crushing guilt for thinking such an awful thing. 

I have caught myself feeling the same way...it is NOT because you want them dead or have given up on them, it's because this state of limbo is a very hard place to stay in for long, almost anything is preferable to this!  Don't feel bad for those thoughts, it's normal in anticipatory grief, I doubt anyone has gone through it but what the thought has occurred to them also.

After fighting for my sister for months, battling the state for her care, I was told she had 24 hours to live, probably wouldn't make it through the night.  She did.  A week later, I was told the same thing again.  Again she lived.  I don't know what to hope for anymore.  Dare I hope she lives?  And then if she continues to decline, I go through this all over again.  There is no "progress" with this anticipatory grief, it is a hard roller coaster to hang onto.

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Oh my @KayC, how difficult - roller coaster indeed. Sorry to read about your sister. You have been through so much.  

Anticipating the actual loss is so stressful, @Sarah&Ava I am so sorry, I was hoping against hope she'd be okay for much longer. :( 

Keep us posted, hoping today is a better day.

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@KayC I am truly sorry about your sister ,this is so hard...I wish you strength with this.

The same goes for you Sarah.We are never ready to let them go,never....I feel your dread and my heart's with you. I too hope Ava is feeling better today.

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Thanks you all, it's a great comfort to me that you are all here and I can share this with you all, at work yesterday they are planning an event at the end of February that would mean 2 days away from home including an overnight stay, they actually said do you think she'll be dead by then because we really need you to be there! I felt angry and then upset because to them this is just an inconvienience but for me it is everything I care about.  People wouldn't say things like that if if was a human child yet they feel it's acceptable when it's an animal.

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Yesterday they were able to get my sister up and feed her.  She is defying all predictions.  I know I'll lose her, I also don't know when.  We thought death would take her within hours TWICE now in the last two weeks.  SHE is going to decide when.

Sarah, Are you kidding me!!!  I can't believe someone would have the audacity to say that to you.  I couldn't have responded, I would have to turn around and walk off, because God help what I'd say!

I guess that's why they sometimes call the death of an animal disenfranchised grief because people discount it instead of giving it its just due.  :angry:

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Sarah, I would be resentful of people who would say something like that. I would not be able to even look at them in the future without disgust. Personally, I would have reacted with snap judgement and said, I don’t think I will be available & walked out. (Most likely the wrong thing to do.) You are very strong - even though to you it feels like your falling apart at times. I know that all you do is for Ava & in Ava’s best interest. She knows this. I hope the two of you are sharing a good day together.

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@Sarah&Ava oh sweetie I am so sorry you had such comments hurled your way. Ugh seriously. Some people are just...oh I don't know what to say really. But truly sorry.  Most of us here know quite differently how important Ava is and are here for both of you. How are you two doing? Sending hope and hugs.

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That's why I'm so glad I found this sight because although I don't think it was meant in a bad way, I think sometimes people don't 'get it' whereas everyone here does so I am so grateful to you all.

KayC,  your sister sounds like one tough cookie, she's not going without a fight but that must be so emotionally exhausting for you and your family.  I'm thinking of you, it must be such a horrible position to be in.

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Omg, that was unbelievable. @Sarah&Ava, sorry that was said to you. The worry and daily stress is enough without people being so thoughtless. Hoping it was a good day. 

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Sarah, you are taking it well, giving them credit when I'd like to punch them and I'm not a violent person!  I just don't get some people and society's view of loss/grief.  They're really clueless.

As for my sister...I feel like I'm in limbo, I can't adjust to anything because nothing is one way or the other.  We can't see/talk to her, we're respecting her wishes and she doesn't have the energy.  I can understand that but it's so hard!  Her caregiver is good to give us reports even though she's so busy.

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Sarah, I am so sorry such a horrible thing was said to you! No they wouldn't say this for a child or any human, would they? Please don't dwell on this. These are people to pity, they'll never know in their empty lives the depth of love we share with our pets. I only wish you had more understanding in your working environment during this difficult time.

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19 hours ago, Maria9 said:

These are people to pity, they'll never know in their empty lives the depth of love we share with our pets.

That's a good way to view it!

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I think I have tried to honour Ava by letting it go because if it's one thing I think we can learn from animals is to be more forgiving.  Ava has taught me so much about that, I think that's why they mean so much to us because they never hold on to the bad things we do or say.  I also think this is a new job with people I haven't yet built a relationship with who don't know how I am about Ava.  All of the peple in my old job have been really supportive but that's because I was there for 5 years and my relationship with my dog was a standing joke even to the point that they got her a present as well when I left. 

KayC how's your sister doing? I hope you are making sure you are looking after yourself too, which I know can be hard when you are worried about someone else but you are important too.

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Sarah,

I love that they got Ava a present too, it shows they knew how close you two are.

Donna tried to call my other sister but the phone chose that moment for the battery to quit, so they didn't get to talk, but it meant a lot that she tried, it shows a spark of energy.  I am still holding my breath...

Last night after dinner my throat started getting sore, I look in it and there's red spots.  It's 1 1/4 hours from the doctor and I don't know if I can get in or not, otherwise I have to sit in Urgent Care all day, ugh and drive myself.  Have no idea what it is or if it's contagious.  Snow is coming Sunday and Monday so I don't want to put it off.

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1 hour ago, AJWCat said:

Please take care of yourself @KayC don't let it go. 

 

Yes @KayC, you need to take care of yourself. I do hope you don’t have to sit in “urgent care” all day though... Sending warm thoughts your way :) 

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My doctor recently merged with a bigger clinic and I discovered they are open Saturdays, they got me in!  It's Pharyngitis, a virus, will last about ten days, highly contagious, so all my plans this week are in the toilet.  :(  I got it from sharing space with the church secretary, using the same keyboard, mouse, etc.  Funny, the doctor said I would have contracted it Wednesday, and it was Wednesday I went to the church office and did some work.  She's good!

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She is good!  I'm glad you got yourself checked out, it can be easy to not take care of ourselves when we're so caught up in looking after others and dealing with our own grief.  I hope you're feeling better.

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So it's 2.40 am in the UK and my mind is going over and over.  Ava's time is fast approching I think, the last 2 days her appetite has been in decline, she is still eating but not her normal ravenous self, she's still eating treats and managed 2 short walks yesterday.   So I have questions and would appreciate your thoughts, I've never had such a run up to the inevitable end and maybe (probably) overthinking it.  So thoughts about where it will happen,  I asked the vet when they old me it was cancer what if I couldn't get her to them (Ava's a giant breed weighing over 65kg) I also don't drive.  They siad no problem they can do it at home.  I've also been in touvh with and selected a pet crenatorium, they can pick up at the vets or from home which (depending on time) could take betwen 1 - 3 hours. My last dog was put to sleep at home and taken away by the vet as soon as it was done.  So I guess I have 2 questions going around my head, is it better to try to get her to the vet in a pet taxi and having help to get her in or do I get the vet to come to us and do it at home and if I do is it better to let the vet take her away as soon as it's done or shall I get the pet crematorium pick her up from home?  Initally I was going to get the vet to come out and take her with them when they leave, but now I don't know whether it's better to try to get her to the vets and also if I do go with the home if I should keep her at home until the oet crem can get her.  Part of me doesn't want her to be passed from pillar to post, my vets are great and I know they would be respectful but she is so big that it's awkward enough to move her when she can assist let alone when she is dead weight, it's one of the reasons I'm opting for home rather than vets because I don't want her to get distressed by having to be multi handled to get into a pet taxi. I partly feel I want to keep her at home and wait for the pet crematirum but have no experience of having a dead anything, other than my Jasmine who was taken straight away. I've never even seen a dead body in an open coffin, everyone I knoe has died in hospital., but wonder if it helps with closure, having that time with them once they've gone or will it jjust add to to awfulness of the whole thing to have her dead body left for several hours until the pet crematorim can get her, baring in mind due to her size I will not be able to move her once it's done.

As you can see, my mind is in overdrive but would appreciate your thoughts.

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@Sarah&AvaBeing that your mind is racing & I’m on here at 11:00pm I will give you my thoughts, I read your post over a few times.

1. I would not take her in a pet taxi. It will be stressfull for her & stressfull for you. And that is not what you want at that time. Also she wouldn’t want to be transported when she is not feeling well. So I would have vet come to house.

2. If the vet possibly could, if the crematorium is somewhat close, would they take her there from your house. (for fee) = ask? 

3. If vet can not take her there. I would not wait for crematorium to pick her up. You do not want that to be your last memory of the two of you together. Right? You can not “un-see” things. So I would have the vet take her regardless.

4. She will get two shots as you know. I advise you to leave after the first - she is sleeping, dreaming, it’s okay. My Mel started to dream she was running, her paws were running and she was making a “running play face” & that’s how I remember her.

So, I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s anyone else on here right now. But I’m not going to sleep any time soon. So I’ll check back. You can reply or not...

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 Hi Melsgone,

Thanks for your reply, I do think it will be too stressful for both of us to get a pet taxi so am edging towards my initial plan of get the vet to come to us. The pet crematorium is to far away for the vet to take her there but it's the same charge for the pet crematorium to collect her from home or vets. I guess I just don't want to feel rushed knowing the vets will be wanting to leave as soon as it's done but I get your point about not wanting that to be my last memory of her. I do want to remember her alive, her energy.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts it helps to get some focus.

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Ava went for a short 4 minute walk this morning and has eaten a small amount of food and had some treats and is now sleeping.  I know that she is starting to fade but she still isn't giving me the sign that she's ready to go yet, I know with my last dog, I knew, I mean I KNEW, it was time, it's like she was telling me to let her go but Ava isn't giving me that sign yet although I know it is close, maybe a day or to and although I know that I will make the final decison, I want it to be her decison that leads to mine if that makes sense.

When my last dog was put to sleep, the vets came to the house and took her within minutes of her passing and I was left alone in the house all of a sudden, which caused real anxiety to the point I had to get out of the house, I physically couldn't stay there at that moment, I felt complete panic and loss of control.  I'm not sure if it was a normal grief reaction or if it was because there was a room full of people (me, the vet, his assistant and my dog) and then in maybe 5 or so minutes it was just me.  The way I reacted didn't really fit with the end because in reality, her passing was very peaceful, she just looked like she was asleep and then she was gone physically.  I guess I won't know until it's time  whether it will be too hard to have her lifeless body with me while I wait for the pet crematorium to collect her or if it will be better for me because it will give me time to adjust and process that she's gone sometimes you can overthink these things.
 

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Hi Sarah, MelsGone again. Good to hear she’s feeling a bit better. But sorry you see the end approaching. But I feel , very strongly, you should make the decision now how it will go. At that time you will be emotional and overwhelmed, decision making is something you don’t want to be doing - you will feel just as torn as you do right now, only it will be harder & you will be forced to make that decision on the spot. Also please, like I said, If you have never been left with a “sad image” embedded in your mind, believe me, you don’t want it. It will play over again in your mind many times, it haunts you. You were blessed to have these extra weeks with Ava while you created happy memories - let those be your memories. Let the vet take her after. Leave the house. Go meet a good friend. But don’t have the final memory being waiting for the crematory. I should think that won’t be peaceful, it will just... You know what I’m saying to you. 

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@Sarah&Ava, I have been following along and am sad about your situation. Ava having such symptoms seems so quick and I really do know how tormenting it is watching a dearly loved companion slowly fade. It's almost torture really. But I was wondering if you could schedule the crematorium service to pick up Ava withing a half hour or 45 minutes of her passing. For me, I didn't' get to witness Mocha ' s last shot so it wasn't until we stopped by the house to let her siblings smell her en route to the crematorium that I got to see her in a permanent sleep state. And of course she was cold from storage at that point. For me I wish I could have had some time with her. But my situation was quite different. I just was wondering if you would want a little time to be with her when it's over instead of feeling rushed. Being rushed has been quite haunting for my loss but it was very different than you and Ava's situation. I guess it depends on if you can schedule the crematorium to arrive at a certain time or not. Instead of a 1-3 hour window.

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Sarah,

That is a concern of mine also, I live in the country 1 1/2 hours from the vet, and I worry when Arlie's time comes what I will do, I don't have anyone to help me, he's also a large dog, was 140 lbs (65 kg = 143 lbs) but I have him down to 107 now.  I was thinking cremation as I don't know how I'd dig a hole that big, too many tree roots in my yard, besides, I'd like to have him with me.  Here, vets do not come out to your place, but I have to consider that it'd take at least two people to lift/handle him.  But if he's unable to walk and still alive, I don't know what I'd do, maybe call my pastor for help?  Are you in the city?
 Yes sometimes we can overthink these things, but I'm analytical and also have anxiety so I do tend to.  I'm glad that you have her with you today.

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I really liked @MelsGone reply to all your questions. I'm in favor of the vet coming to you for sure, after that I don't think I could be around my animal for very long once they have passed. Just me. Good you are planning as sad as it is.  

TOTALLY makes sense you are waiting for Ava to lead you to the time. I took cues from both my last cats, and of course cats are much harder to read, but I just KNEW too. It was like, "enough." But if Ava is "okay" then it's not time yet. 

At least since your vet knows what is happening, you can be fairly coordinated in terms of timing. So sorry you are going through this.  

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The nearest pet crematorium to me is over an hour and a half drive away hence why the delay in getting to me, however it might not come to that.  I phoned the vets earlier because I wanted to see if I can increase Ava's pain relief, when I explained about her symptoms and the position of the growths that have come up the vet said she wanted to see her because she wasn't sure the lumps are cancerous because she said the type of cancer Ava has doesn't usually grow in this way and usually attack the internal organs and are not usually obviously felt through the skin or in the places I can feel them. She wants to scan Ava and check them out in case it's not related to the cancer.  I thinks she's being optimistic and part of me doesn't want to go because I know that Ava has cancer and that even if these are connected to the original cancer, it's likely the cancer has spread and it's just giving false hope.  I also fear that the vet will advise to put her down tomorrow even though I know she's not ready even if I have to do it in a couple of days time,  I think animals are better at  knowing when it's time and accepting it than humans and I trust Ava to let me know when she's ready and yes I know she's not good right now but I don't think she's finished and ready to go yet so I just hope that if the vet says the scans show the cancer has spread and it will be better to end it there that I am strong enough to say I'll take her home and call them in the next few days when I know she's ready.  I know in the practical sense it would make sense to do it tomorrow if the vet advises but I also feel I owe it to Ava to wait until she's ready.

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@Sarah&Ava,  whatever you do, do not let them force you into a rushed "right now" decision. That happened to me as you probably know already, not to mention diagnosis was wrong, and it has been the hardest thing to survive. I do still cry everday over it.  I also don't necessarily think the vet is trying to give you false hope - or I truly hope not. It has only been a month since sweet Ava had her surgery so it isn't completely suspicious that these lumps may not actually be what you think. Aged animals do get fatty tumors. You probably already know that too. But I know you know your Ava and know when she is having difficulty. Plus it is hard as this inevitable knowing has such an impact, understandably. I don't mean to carry on but if Ava isn't having an actual obvious pain inducing episode, you have time to take at least a day to decide. Hugs, I know you are facing really tough decisions right now.

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Okay. You need to do what’s in Ava’s best interest. If she is in pain that can’t be controlled then... Or if her quality of life consists of just existing then... But only you know in your heart & you want no regrets for sure. You sound like you are worried about being persuaded into a decision at the vets by the vet. So can you a.) bring someone with you to help you stand firm on “no”, or someone who’s judgement you swear by? OR b.) when you arrive, tell the vet, I already know what you might suggest, I’m not ready, I don’t think Ava is ready, please take the scans, but please don’t make that suggestion today. Then she shouldn’t ask you. And stand firm.

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Ava was up first this this morning as usual waking me up a few minutes before the alarm, it's like she can feel the electric signals and has her own way of making sure she gets there first. I will definitely miss that in the mornings. I'm dreading the vets but also know it's in Ava's best interest to do it so... I let you all know the outcome either way for sure and thank you all for being here for me and for being so understanding and supportive.  I really don't know how I would have made it this far withour you all.

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