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I'm not ready.....


Sarah&Ava

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Ava update:  So went to the vets with Ava, the vet said there was signs she was holding fluid so did some blood tests to see if her kidneys or liver were failing and then to work out a treatment plan for that because she did not feel Ava was ready to go at this point, which I was relieved about, not least because i don't want to let her go but because I don't want to prolong her suffering because I'm not willing to admit it's time to let her go.  The vet said she was still too alert and full of energy to take that step today,  Anyway the blood tests came back clear for problems with her liver and kidneys so the vet said the most likely cause of the water retention is that due to the cancer seeding in her abdomen it's likely this is using up her protein stores which is causing a fluid build up.  They drained some of the fluid away but said it will come back but she didn'tknow how long this would take but at this point there is nothing that can be done to stop it and once it has built up and she can no longer manage it will be time to let her go.  I've got painkillers for her and the vet has given me her personal mobile so if she is not on duty when the time comes I can call her and she will come out to let her go.  It's relief and devastation all in one go, the pet taxi I use said she thought Ava was too bright to go at this time so I feel that I am in tune with her and will let her go when the time comes.

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Ava!!!  Sarah, I just saw that you posted and I held my breath scrolling down to your post. I feel relieved. Okay, I won’t say anything else. I’m just glad how today turned out for you and Ava.

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Thanks MelsGone, she's certainly keeping me in a level of high anxiety that's for sure.  Here she is at the vets earlier refusing to sit down!

Fotor_15185307231819.jpg

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Sarah,

Ava is absolutely beautiful!  I tend to gravitate towards bigger dogs anyway, just always been my personal preference, my own dog is big too, but oh my gosh she is gorgeous!  Her sweet face!

Okay, enough falling in love...I'm sorry for all of the turmoil you've been grappling with, but AM SO GLAD TO HEAR HOW THE VET TRIP WENT!  I should have checked back earlier, being sick is the pits, I had a dream last night that I wanted to respond to posts and couldn't because of being sick, my brain wouldn't work with clarity (not sure it does anyway), it shows how much everyone is on my mind.  I think you will definitely know when it's the right time, she'll let you know.  My son waited too long on Skye and it's something hard we have to live with, I know you won't do that, you're tuned in to her, and like the vet says, she still has energy.  Sweet sweet dog, give her lots of love for all of us here.

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Hi KayC, I hope you're feeling better.  Ava is beautiful, I can never get round a walk with her without at least 2 or 3 people stopping and staying something about her and getting lots of 'look at that dog' , people always smile when they see her, it will be weird not to get that reaction without her.  Whenever I've been with her I've always felt less invisible.  I'm glad I didn't have to let her go at the vets today but it did bring a finality to the situation by having to go through the vets rota for this week and over the weekend so that I know which number to call when the time comes.  I've been pretty much crying on and off since last night.  I don't know how I'm still functioning to be honest because I've only been sleeping for about 2 or 3 hours a night over the past few days because I know she is deteriorating and is less settled at night, although I've now got tramodol to give her in the night so she should be more settled.  She's been much better since the vet drained some of the fluid off which is good but also gives that bit of false hope that just makes me said.

How's your sister doing?

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She is so beautiful - yes a "good" and "bad" vet visit all at once. at least she is okay for a bit and your instincts we right on.

I am so sorry you are not sleeping well, I hope the meds help her and you feel you can really drift off and get some real rest. Don't feel guilty about doing that now and taking care of yourself too. You need your health and strength. Hope it's a good night. 

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Thanks AJWCat, Ava had a more settled night, I didn't but that's ok.  I moved the cushions of the sofa where I usually sleep with Ava at the side or in her bed, to the floor and put her bed next the cushions so we were effectively able to lie next to each other.  I think this helped to settle her, I feel like I don't want to miss a precious minute of being awake with her because I know it's only going to be for a few more days/nights and to be honest I'm not even getting tired in the day which I know is the stress hormone kicking in, however, I understand the importance of letting Ava die well and have a good death.  The dying and death part of my last dogs life was so horrific and truamatic thanks to an appalling vet that her death has literally overshadowed the 14 years we had together.  She had a good life compared to Ava yet her last couple of weeks haunt me to this day and is what I think about when I think about her sadly.  I know I have a great vet and have been given the chance to let Ava die well with minimal suffering and I know she will have a good death, it will be peaceful and I will know I was with her for almost 24/7 for the last 5 weeks of her life and she was made comfortable and had the least amount of suffering possible. So I can survive a few more nights of little sleep because I know it's not going to be for long and I will likely be so exhausted by the time she does leave that I will sleep and will not lie awake and torture myself with what ifs because I will know I did my best for her at the end.  I've read so many stories on here that sadly reflect that my story with Jasmine was not a one off and a bad ending can literally traumatise you and cloud all memories of  our precious babies.  So I feel blessed that however heartbreaking these last few weeks have been and that the next few days will be that I have a good vet and Ava is now home with pain relief and will not suffer more than is absolutely the minimum that comes with any death, it still breaks my heart that I am going to lose her but at least I have this.

 

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Everyday is so so hard, yesterday, Ava had spark and was full of life and after she had some of the fluid drained even more so, she had a much more settled night but today, she is much more lethargic which could be because of the tramodol she's on for the pain and also because she did so much yesterday that she's just worn out today. She's been out in the garden and stood sniffing the air which she loves to do and then came in she's didn't do a wee or anything she came back in and went to her treat drawer as she always does after going in the garden, it was supposed to be a reward for going to the toliet outside when I was first toilet training her but she worked out it was a way of getting extra treats and still does it now, she didn't even look in her food bowl but scoffed her treat (a frankfurter) down and is now lead next to me which is what she seems to really want at the moment which is to be expected.  She doesn't seem to be in any pain or discomfort just tired.  I'm hoping it's just the exersion from yesterday when she was quite active, she was on her feet for over 2 1/2 hours pacing and having the drain etc and she will feel a bit more sparky as the day goes on.  She's very peaceful unlike the last couple of days when I knew she was in if not pain then discomfort.  I am going to see how she goes for the rest of the day, she's still alert and mobile just sleepy which she hasn't really been for the last few days because she hasn't been able to settle because she has been so uncomfortable.
 

So I had made a decison to have her put down at home then have the pet crematorium come out after because I thought I could give them a call before I call the vet which would mean they could leave before the vet came and would be here shortly after which would give me time with her without feeling rushed and to be with her on my own to have that private time but not so long that it became traumatic. However....

The only concern I have now is that because she is holding all this fluid will this all come out within the first hour after she dies?  I know this shouldn't matter because she's my precious baby and I have cleaned up her bodily fluids for almost 10 years but I a) worry that it will be substantial and not just a normal wee (which for her is still quite substantial) or is this likely to be litres?  When I took her to the vets yesterday they said she was likely carrying and extra 5-7kg of fluid and I worry how much of that will leak out at her passing and b)if this is likely to happen I don't want this to be my last memory of her (and this bit sounds really silly but) and I don't want her bedding to be drenched because I don't want to have to wash her smell of it, I know I will want to keep her smell with me for as long as possible feel so torn but I know this is all part of the process.
 

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4 hours ago, Sarah&Ava said:

it was supposed to be a reward for going to the toliet outside when I was first toilet training her but she worked out it was a way of getting extra treats and still does it now

Haha, I had to laugh at this!  They're so smart, aren't they, they know how to work us!  When Arlie was a puppy I'd give him a treat when he came in the house and also when he went into the pen he'd shut the door and get a treat.  At the time I didn't have a fence and he was so strong he could pull me down with the leash (I had to learn some tricks for handling him), so I used treats to keep him focused on getting into the pen or house.  Now he asks to go outside and then he wants right back in to get a treat!  It kind of backfired on me.  

Yesterday was my worst day of the illness so far, and today is supposed to be hard too as the doctor said days 4 and 5 are the worst, we'll see.  I didn't sleep much last night, woke up at 1 and that was it.  Arlie wanted to go out to his pen and sleep in his doghouse, I guess I was disturbing his beauty sleep.  It's snowing so I guess I'll have some shoveling to do come daylight.

My sister is still with us, they're all amazed, I know it's a matter of time, she sleeps most of the time and gets up to eat once or twice a day, she used to be up all day, reading or watching what is going on, I know those days are over and it makes me sad.  She likes giving musical cards for gifts and I got out all the cards she's given me over the years and played them yesterday, watching Kitty's reaction.  Arlie chose not to listen to them and went in the other room.  :wacko:

Sarah, your plan for Ava is good, your concern that she be free of pain and go peaceably...that is the most we could wish for our pets.  Her being so tired is probably the medicine.  She really is such a beautiful dog, I bet you get a LOT of comments when you take her out.


Here's my Arlie when he was 140 (he doesn't look a lot different at 107 because he has so much long fur):

Arlie running.jpg

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Arlie is a good looking boy and a character too by the sounds of it, I think he would get on very well with Ava they'd cause lots of mischief together and get away with it :D They certainly do no how to wind us round their little paws that's for sure.

Ava's been out for a couple of short walks today, I think it's good to keep her as active as she can be because it might help the fluid retention? maybe, I don't know but she is still ok just..., hanging on in there for today anywhat.  I really didn't want to have to call the vet on valentines day.

I'm glad your sister is still hanging on in there and at least she is getting up and is still eating, once these things stop then it really is coming close to the end.  Will you get to see her when it's time?  I laughed at the musical cards, I HATE them they are so annoying and remind me of when I worked in a shop that sold them, people would come in all day long and open them, it would drive me mad, but so funny that's you've kept them all and played them.  I'm with Arlie though I would have given up and left the room after the second one.

I don't think you should be shoveling snow if you are still poorly, is there someone who could do it for you? You've definitely been in the wars and need to take care of yourself, I'm sure the snow can wait a day or two.

 

 

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4 hours ago, Sarah&Ava said:

The only concern I have now is that because she is holding all this fluid will this all come out within the first hour after she dies?  I know this shouldn't matter because she's my precious baby and I have cleaned up her bodily fluids for almost 10 years but I a) worry that it will be substantial and not just a normal wee (which for her is still quite substantial) or is this likely to be litres?  When I took her to the vets yesterday they said she was likely carrying and extra 5-7kg of fluid and I worry how much of that will leak out at her passing and b)if this is likely to happen I don't want this to be my last memory of her (and this bit sounds really silly but) and I don't want her bedding to be drenched because I don't want to have to wash her smell of it, I know I will want to keep her smell with me for as long as possible feel so torn but I know this is all part of the process.

a.) If you are concerned with the amount of body fluid that may be released, then perhaps you should call the vet and ask them what to expect - yes?

b.) If it is to be a substantial amount, and you’ve stated you do not want the bedding to be drenched so you can keep her scent, then you can prepare her bed in such a fashion that most or all of the fluid will be absorbed into something else & her bed will remain as dry as you prefer. I understand her size, and yes, this can be done.

You’ve been very fortunate to have this extra time with Ava. I hope it has brought you more joy than affliction.

Bless Ava & I wish you well.

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Hi MelsGone,

Thanks for your reply, I have a check in before the weekend call with the vet tomorrow so I am going to ask her.  I know I have been very blessed with this extra time but it does come with the daily heartbreak of 'is this the day' 

Ava is still fighting like a lioness though, yesterday she ate 2 1/2 jars of frankfuters (her fav) and some other treats and went for 3 albieit very short walks and seemed much more confortable than she had the previous day, thanks to the additional pain relief.

Today, she woke up much more alert and dispite going out in the garden she refused to settle until I took her for a short walk, she then came back in and had 2 frankfurters and then went to her food bowl which she has not done for 3 days now, I put a tiny bit of food in which she ate.  I know this doesn't mean she's getting better or she is going into any kind of temporary remission, it just reassures me that she is not suffering too much at the moment that she wants it to end now.  There are still signs that she wants to carry on, waiting for the signs to change while it's a blessing is also exhausting because there is so much anxiety about the ending and making sure she is not suffering.  Thank you for thinking of her.

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On 2/14/2018 at 6:02 AM, Sarah&Ava said:

Ava's been out for a couple of short walks today, I think it's good to keep her as active as she can be because it might help the fluid retention

The vet told me (when Arlie scarfed down on several pounds of dogfood years ago when I was on the phone) that walking aids the digestion and so my son and I walked him for hours that night (he couldn't sit or lay down, his body was distended, he was in pain as the dogfood blows up inside of them) and it helped him get through it...so I would think walks for your Ava would be helpful, at least they wouldn't hurt as long as she is able.

I shovel my snow out same day as it freezes up hard during the night and then you can't remove it and you can be stuck with it for weeks or even months during the winter.  Last night I got more snow so will have more shoveling but at least it isn't a lot.  A month ago it snowed a foot in one day, THAT was a lot of shoveling!  The doctor did say I need moderate activity...not sure shoveling is "moderate" but it is activity!

I am praying for your Ava, I know how loved she is and what she means to you because it's comparable to how I feel about Arlie and any of us here feel about our pets.  Try to stay in today, take one day at a time so you can enjoy the time you have left with her and don't transfer anxiety to her.  Ever since my husband died I've tried to do one day at a time because in the beginning I didn't know about that and thinking about the whole rest of my life created much anxiety in me!  Now when I feel anxiety about something, I remind myself to stay in today.

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Wow you must get a lot of snow,  If we get 2cm we take a snow day in the UK, everything grinds to a halt, we literally can't cope. Mind you it's very very rare we get more that a couple of cm's.  I hope you're not overdoing it though, you need to get well first, I'm sure shovelling snow wasn't quite what your doctor meant by moderate exercise.  I think you're right about the anxiety and trying to stay in the moment,  I know I need to take one day at a time and I have to work on that.

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I shoveled my 40' ramp yesterday but left the driveway for later and lo and behold it warmed up in the afternoon and melted it!  That won't happen later on this week when they predict 30 as a high and 13 as a low.  In that case, if it snows during the night as they say it will, it will be frozen and there will be no removing it.

I've noticed a return of the anxiety since I've been alone the last couple of weeks, it's getting old.  But I am concerned about the weather predictions as they aren't for a day or two, they're from here on out as far as they can see.

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That was a bit of luck! Wow that's cold.  Anxiety is horrible, I have never experienced anxiety until Ava became ill, I think a big part of that is that I am alone and more isolated that I have ever been in the past which leaves you feeling incredibly vulnerable and thus more anxious.  Have you got neighbours close by, do you check on each other?  Maybe a few of the local community can pull together and get a sort of checking in process going if the weather is likely to be bad for a while.

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Oh goodness my heart goes out to you both. Sarah, glad to read Ava had a better eating/feeling day. You are right, she's not "better" but not suffering is key.

KayC, spring can't come fast enough. :( Cuddle up with Arlie and Kitty. Hope you are getting better soon.

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And this roller coaster continures.  Yesterday was a good day, Ava got up and was very perky, I gave her a chicken breast and half a tin of dog food she ate it all and then had some treats.  She then wanted a walk so we went out, she seemed quite strong so I thought I'd see if she could make it to the park, which is about a 7/8 minute walk away, she hasn't  managed to this walk for 2 weeks but she made it and we spend an hour in the park, we didn't walk all the way around just around the top part then I sat down as she snoofled and mouched around. We then made it all the way albiet slowly home.  She went out for 2 short walks later in the day.  She in total she ate 2 tins of food 4 chicken breasts  and plenty of treats and seemed happier, the water retention seems to be disapaiting and she was weeing alot more and not drinking excessively.  I called the vet to update her because she was expecting to have had to come out to put Ava down by then.  When I told her how Ava was doing she was shocked she said that she couldn't understand it because Ava should have declined quite rapidly after we left on Tuesday especially as she had been able to drain of as much fluid as she had wanted and didn't think what she had drained was going to make much difference and that by rights Ava should be drinking excessively and hadn't expected her appetite to have returned etc.  She said to update her on Monday but let her know if things changed over the weekend and she needed to come and let Ava go. 

So after a good day we went to bed, Ava woke up about 3am and was sick <_< then this morning went she went in the garden and I gave her a treat when she came back in she didn't eat it, I tried 3 different treats and nothing instead she went back to sleep.  A couple of hours later she got up ate one of the treats and wanted to go for a walk, we've just been an a short walk, she came back and ate the remaining 2 treats but has walked away from the chicken breast.  So still eating somewhat and still managing a walk but definetly not as good as yesterday so far.  The highs and lows of cancer :wacko:

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Sarah, I was elated as you were talking about Ava's day yesterday, and then to read she got sick and wasn't wanting her treats and chicken breast...I'm sorry.  The ups and downs of cancer is right, very hard.

I got an update on my sister last night, she's skin and bones, sleeps all the time, it's hard, knowing I won't see her again, knowing she's going to die any day.  

No the neighbors keep to themselves, don't check in with each other, it's not like it used to be, people are different now.  When my kids were growing up we helped our neighbors, shoveled their snow, went to the store for them, now it's like no one cares about the elderly and I'm alone.  A lot of people in this same boat...

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Oh man, Sarah - loved reading your fun day and then the bad morning comes. :(  Thinking of you this weekend. 

@KayC we'd all shovel your snow if we were near you! :wub:

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So Ava continues to fight and suprise, by yesterday afternoon she yet again decided she wanted to go for a walk, we made it to the park and back and she ate a good hearty meal. This morning she woke me up and there was not chance of a lie in, I've never been so glad to being pestered into getting up on a Sunday morning before, we went for a short walk and then to the park where she even played with a couple of dogs, she's been full of life and play all day and eaten two big bowls of food.  All of the food I had packed away has now gone and I have to buy some more!!! I'm supposed to call the vet to give her an update tomorrow which is hopefully going to be positve I'm so shocked by how well she is now compare to how she was at the beginning of the week when I really thought I was going to have to put her to sleep.  I know this is only a short reprieve but it's such a remarkable shift that I can't quite work it out but I know it can change from one day to the next.  But it's been really lovely to see her running around and I'm glad now that I chose to go for the drain on Tuesday to buy her a couple more days that opt for having her put to sleep even though at the time that seemed like it might be kinder for her.  She's had a lovely few days with lttle pain relief because she hasn't seemed to need it.

KayC I hope you're ok, it's really rubbish how communities have broken down.  It's a bit like that here too, this used to be a really tight community but in recent years things seem to have changed and I couldn't even tell you my one lot of direct neighbours names, they don't even speak when we leave the house together even if I say hello to them. 

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Good news! Short reprieve but still you have her for a bit more to love as much as you can. Good to hear!

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19 hours ago, Sarah&Ava said:

She's had a lovely few days with lttle pain relief because she hasn't seemed to need it.

I am so glad and these are the memories you will cherish.  I smiled as you spoke of not having a chance to lie in and how glad you were to have her pestering you.  Yes indeed!  So glad you had a good day!

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Ava is still hanging in there, she had diarrhea and was off her food yesterday but still went for a couple of short walks. She is back to eating today and went to the park so she's very up and down but I guess it's better to have good and bad days than just bad days.  I have to go in to work tomorrow and again on Friday.  I wan't expecting her to still be here if I'm honest so I planned meetings because I thought it would be better to get out of the house for a couple of days!

How's your sister KayC?  I hope you haven't had too much snow, we've had some lovely mild days here nothing as extreme as you've had although we did have a mini earthquake :D

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Sarah,

I hope your meetings aren't too long, it has to be hard to concentrate when your heart is at home.  

No change with my sister, still sleeps all the time, is drinking Ensure now, still no energy, it's dragging out, I know this is no kind of a life for her, she can't even read now.  :(

More snow today, more snow coming as far as they can predict.  Seems all I do is shovel, no wonder I can't get over this virus!

I'm glad Ava was able to walk with you.  I understand about giving the body rest from food, Arlie battles chronic Colitis.  

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Not posted for a few days because...well in truth just been too exhausted.  Ava's had diarrhea for 5 days or more precisly 5 nights.  So I've not had much sleep and then have had to work while she's been sleeping peacefully in the day.  The vet narrowed it down to one of the medications she been taking so we have stopped this and given her some medication to hopefully stop the diarrhea.  Last night was the first night she has slept through and she has eaten this morning and so far no diarrhea :D in herself she's seemed fine apart from this so it's taking it one day at a time still. 

I hope everyone's ok.

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@Sarah&Ava  I was wondering how it was going, it seems everyone has been rather pensive lately, it goes like that sometimes, it is all hard to process.
I'm glad you found what was causing Ava's problem, Arlie isn't able to tolerate many medicines, most antibiotics cause extreme intolerance with him, they make him sicker than the thing he's taking them for so we struggle to control his health with diet.  I'm glad Ava is doing better today and hope you have a good day together.

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I was wondering too. Glad she is better - good days are good days!  

I've been super busy too. My kitty has really come out of her shell and decided I am her #1 play buddy. So, I break often to entertain her as she is an apartment cat and indoors only. The more I lavish myself on her the further my sweet C cat slips away. I find myself getting very sad and still missing him.  

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AJWCat,

I can relate to what you are feeling.  I lost my sweet Miss Mocha over 1 1/2 years ago...lost but never forgotten.  I find myself still missing her, so much.  Kitty is very opposite of her.  Miss Mocha loved being held and loving me (or anyone else that would pay her attention).  Kitty runs off in a huff if I even try or for any other imagined wrong.  The two are polar opposites.  I know not to compare but they're so strikingly opposite it hits me hard and I miss Missy Mocha.  One does not fill the hole of another, I get that.  Sometimes one is a reminder of all you are missing with another.  I try to focus on Kitty but I haven't forgotten Miss Mocha, not for an instant.  I guess I have to realize that Kitty is as different as if she were a different species.

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On 1/16/2018 at 12:34 PM, Sarah&Ava said:

On Friday my gentle giant leonberger Ava wnt to the vets with what I thought was an infection due to a burst cyst on her back, it turned out that she had a tumour on her spleen that had ruptured.  I was put on standby for her to be put down if they found the tumour had spread during surgery, but luckily they could find no signs of it having spread.  It was touch and go all saturday if she would make it because she had lost so much blood, however she came home yesterday and although she is still not eating she is improving.  BUT.... the vet phoned me this afternoon to say they have got the biopsy result back which concluded that the tumour was cancerous and when these types of tumours rupture the cancer cells 'seed' the vet has told me to prepare for the worst and said it could be a few weeks or at best a couple of months.  I have been crying for over 5 hours now.... I just can't process that in a few weeks my girl who has been my constant companion my best and at times only friend is going to be gone.  I'm beyond devestated, part of me thinks it would have been better for her to have not woken up from the op on Friday because she is in so much pain due to the surgery and has been through so much since Friday and although this has brought me a few more weeks with her I feel like I have been on an emotional rollercoaster with her, saying my goodbyes and preparing for her to go on Friday to thinking she was going to be ok to now having to face her enduring more pain as the cancer spreads over the next few weeks and then the inevitable.  I've been trying to think positive about making memories over the time we have left and also been researching pet crematoriums in the area so I am prepared and can give her the best at the end but I just can't handle the thought of loosing her.....I keep telling myself that at 9 1/2 for a giant breed she's an old girl and wasn't going to live for ever  but I'm still devestated.

My heart is with you. Crying helps the soul. ❤

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So I'm sitting here waiting for the vets to open, the fluid has built back up, I called the vet yesterday but my normal vet is away until Monday.  Another vet at the practice spoke to me and said that if I felt it could wait until Becky (my normal vet) was back on Monday I could but if I felt Ava was suffering to take her in today if i could get in because of all the snow and they could assess her and decide if it was in her best interest to drain the fluid like they did a couple of weeks ago.  However last night I noticed Ava making a gargling noise at times when she breathes and can feel her turkey neck (large dogs like  Ava have have saggy necks) is puffy and feels like there may be fluid building up there.  Ava is still eating her treats but not food and is still going for short walks even in the snow but I feel like it is all becoming a massive effort for her.  The vet I spoke to yesterday was lovely and said I had to balance the benefits of draining the fluid with quality of life.  It's so so hard and I've been up all night trying to decide on the best thing to do because there is a possible treatment ie drain the fluid but at the same time it will build back up it may take a couple of weeks again or it might build up in a couple of days.  I have a pet taxi on stand by to take her to the vets but i don't want to take her in if they say the best thing is to let her go because I'd rather not put her through the trauma of getting to the vets then of being put to sleep in a strange place, I'd rather they came out to put her to sleep but then they might say if she was in the practice there might be something they could try.  I'm trying to be strong and make the right decision but decisions like these are hard to make on your own, it's moments like this I wish I had family to sit and talk things through with and not have to make these decisons on my own

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Sarah,

I have been wondering how Ava is and afraid to ask, hoping all was going well with her...it's been six hours since you've posted so I don't know what you decided to do, I wish someone was there with you to go through it with you, it IS so hard to do alone.  I know that whatever you do will be in Ava's best interest, you're a loving and caring mommy.  (((hugs)))

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Hey Sarah thinking of you and Ava, and sorry to see your post although I knew you'd be facing this again soon. Let us know how things are.

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Ava rallied yesterday or maybe I was just not ready to let her go but she has had a bad night and I know I have to let her go, it's sunday here so I'm waiting for the vets to open to see if they will come out or if I will I have to get a pet taxi to get her in.  I honestly don't know how to do this, I have been crying all night. I don't even have anyone to sit with me during or after.  I know I am very isolated and that's why Ava's so important to me and most of the time I'm ok with it but it's times like this when I wish I had someone close by I could rely on.  I find myself lying to people like when Ava had surgery and the vet asked if I had someone I could call to pick me up, I said I did and I would wait outside for them.  I didn't I walked 1 1/2 miles home on my own but didn't want to admit to her that I had no one I could call. 

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Alison 1975

@Sarah&Ava I hope are beating up the best you possibly can . It’s such a hard choice you face but in the end we love them so much so we do what’s best for them . It’s been 2 weeks since I lost Rebel and if i didn’t have Marley I would have been lost . It’s the worst part living in your own you just want someone with you to help with the pain , if you neee to talk we are all here for you , stay strong x 

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Sarah,

I'm so sorry.  I wish we lived near each other, I understand, I'm isolated too.  Ava is so beautiful, such a sweet spirit, I can imagine your feelings, they are the same feelings I'll be having when it's Arlie's time.  I'm praying for you, it's so hard.  

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She's gone, my baby girl has gone I'm literally crawling out of my own skin.  I know I did the right thing and she went very quickly and peacefully in the end but my heart is literally broke, both the vet and the woman from the pet crematorium asked if I had a friend that could sit with me, I said I did and that they were on their way, they offered to sit with me until they came but I told them I'd be ok, because in truth there is no friend, no one is coming. It was just me and Ava and now she's gone

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Oh Sarah, I am so so so sorry. My heart broke reading your words. 

I am sorry you are alone too. :( For what it is worth you have a lot of people here, strangers I know, but there are many of us thinking about you. (I have thought of you more over the last several weeks than some family members, ha.) When we lost our cat, I had my husband and he was devastated too but losing your pet does make things lonely. They offer a comfort that people can't. It's just all innocent and all love. And if my husband and I were arguing, our cat was always there for me.

I know you dreaded this moment, and it was a painful journey. You made a very tough decision but sweet beautiful Ava is no longer in any pain. I am sure her wonderful spirit is there near you wishing you're okay. 

Please post here to get out your feelings if it helps. If you look at my number of posts, it is loooong. It made me feel better and we understand like no one else. I wish I could offer more. I am honestly in tears because I know the gut wrenching loss so well.

 

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Thank you AJWCat, it does help knowing you guys are here, I would literally implode with pain I think if I couldn't get it out here and have the support from people on here. I know this was totally expected and I knew it was coming but I still can't believe she's gone and I'm never, ever going to see her again, to snuggle up in a big bear hug or hear her snoring or even just have to step over her when I want a wee or a cup of tea.  I found myself talking to her several times since she's gone, not like she's gone and I want a sign but 'just going for a week Ava, then shall we get a cup of tea' or 'look Ava the snow's almost gone' or 'look at the hailstones Ava' the general chit chat I would normally have with her and then it hits me, she's really gone, not just out in the garden or in another room but gone really gone and the pain is overwhelming and I cry not normal tears but a gutteral almost primal crying.  It's an indescribable pain and yet I know she is now not in any pain.  The woman from the crematorium text me earlier to say Ava is being well cared for, it was sweet of her but left me in pieces.  I keep pacing round the house going from room to room and looking out of the window into the garden looking for her, it's like my brain just can't accept she's really gone. I know this pain will get easier but it's just so bad so so bad.

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Yes, I remember that type of crying, it is anguish really. That is it. 

My husband and I realized how much we talked to our cat too. Silly stuff, like, "Mom won't let Dad have any more cookies but you'll still get treats." I told my husband I almost wanted to keep talking as if he was still around. Of course, can't do that forever. But I will say out loud to my cat (who is so in my heart still) Mommy loves you and misses you! 

I know it is late where you are. I hope you rest. I know it's bad. :( Ava is right with you in spirit.  

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Thanks AJWCat, I don't even know where to sleep tonight, for the last 3 or more years I've slept on the sofa in the living room because Ava injured her leg and was unable to make the stairs in my house which are really narrow and steep.  I could go and sleep in my bed but that would seem weird but at the same time I have no reason to continue to sleep on the sofa and I will miss Ava if I do because she used to sleep at the side of the sofa her head  next to mine just lower down because she was on the floor which was the spot died today.  I feel sick thinking about sleeping on the sofa without her and sick at the thought of going up to bed and not having that connection to her.

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Ava was my world, my whole life centred around her and now she's gone I literally don't know what to do with myself.  The woman from the crematorium sent text to say Ava is being well cared for which I'm glad about but feel resentful that she is there not with me, it's my job to care for her nobody elses. I want to imagine her  at peace and free of pain, restored to a time when she was in her peak of health and running is a lovely green field but all I see right now is her wrapped in a big blue sling in the back of a van.  I'm sure the crematorium I used is good but it was not the one I intended because of the snow, and it being a sunday my friend has used the one I couldn't get hold of and said they were lovely so I wanted them but they don't work sundays and because of her size the vet would only agree to put her to sleep if the crematorium could collect her from my home because they only have a skeleton staff on sundays so had no one available to help move Ava after she has passed.  It turned into a real drama with lots of toing and froing between getting her to the vets to having her put to sleep at home, with it being at the 11th hour that the crematorium were able to come and get her from home.  I'm glad in that sense because her passing was quite and seemed to be stress free for her, she was asleep in her favourite place when the vet came she got up but then went back to her favourite spot where my feet would hang down from the sofa so she would be my foot rest so to speak it was here she settled and stayed as she was put to sleep, she went very quickly and looked just like she was asleep so that was nice but seeing her in the back of the van just crushed me even though I know that's just her physical body not her spirit it was still my Ava and now I worry about the crematorium and if they are a good one and are treating her right, I'm sure they would, it's just my anxiety.

It was sweet of the woman from the crematorium to text me and the fact that she came out with a moments notice and drove an hour to get to me on a Sunday did make all the stress of where Ava was going to be put down, it's always hard when it's the weekend and I know I had the chance to do it on Friday but I just wasn't convinced Ava was ready then.  I knew she was ready today and how quickly she went confirmed it because the vet said it could take up to 15 to 20 minutes because of all the extra fluid she was holding but she was gone in less the 5 minutes. 

Parting from her physical body, was so so hard I was expecting to have maybe 15 - 30 minutes from when she passed and the crematorium woman turned up but as it was she turned up as the vet was leaving and the vet offered to help carry her out to the van which was just as well because even with the 3 of us we still struggled because Ava is a big dog and was carrying lots of extra fluid but it gave me very little time from when she passed to being taken away but that's what happens when you are reliant on other people and as lovely as they were I felt I had very little control but that was probably more to do with the whole situation rather than anything anyone did.  I think even if it had all gone perfectly I would still feel as bad. 

I decided to sleep on the sofa tonight purely because it's the place where I feel the strongest connection to Ava and think if she were to visit me tonight (wishful thinking...) that this would be the place with the strongest connection and most significance since this is where we've slept together for over 3 years and have all our little habits and rituals and also it's where she died.  Maybe I'm just trying too hard to get a sign or holding on to the hope of one because I can't cope with the reality that she's gone.  It's stupid and irrational I know but then grief isn't rational and the pain of it can cause you to do anything you can think of to try to relieve the pain before it swollows you whole.

I'm doing everything I can think of to distract myself, I've been on here pretty much since Ava was put to sleep yesterday lunchtime. I went to be with the TV on because I every time I tried turming it off my thoughts went straight to Ava and it was just too painful and would result in me breaking down in tears, I know I can't shut this pain out and I have to feel it and let it our but I feel I can only do this in short spells, anything else is too overwhelming.  I was exhausted last night because I had been up all night the previous night with Ava and occassionally last night the tiredness would over power me and I would fall asleep for 30 minutes or an hour at a time but would then I wuold wake up and try turning the TV off only to switch it back on within minutes because I couldn't cope with the silence, Ava was a noisy sleeper, she snored and was a deep breather so every time I turned the TV off the silence brought it back that she was gone and I couldn't take more than a few minutes of it.

I don't feel her with me but I know she is, it's just that I'm so focused on her physical presence as a leonberger she was a giant breed dog in my tiny little terraced house and as she couldn't go upstairs she only had the living room, dining/kitchen and the backyard so physically she took up a large space in the house which meant stepping over her or sqeezing past her was just part of moving arund the house and due to the small space, and her size I could hear her breathing if she was asleep in the next room so her physical presence was totally immersed in the house which i know is true of all our furbabies no matter how bit or how small.  I have to try to get past the physical and focus on her spiritual presence.

Amother thing which is going to sound disgusting but I haven't washed in 3 days now, Ava became really ill on Friday, as in I knew that she wouldn't last the weekend, so I had a bath on Friday didn't wash Saturday  in case she passed or Sunday  because it felt like I was washing her off me and my clothes, it's now Monday morning and luckily I work from home but I know I need to have a bath but I really don't want to wash her off me or change my clothes into fresh clothes she has not rubbed herself in or brushed up against I know I sound like a crazy person has anyone else had this reaction?

 

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I'm not sure if any of you do things like tarot or astrology but every morning I read my horoscope and pull a daily tarot card, it's my guilty pleasure rather than going on social media.  Well this morning as I've been writing a lot about wanting a sign from Ava I pulled this card. The strength card, this card has real significance not just because it's about inner strength but I've always associated this card with Ava and used to call this mine and Ava's card and saw it as Ava in the picture because her breed was breed originally to look like a lion from a distance to fool preditors, Ava had tremenous strenght as could have easily overpowered most people but instead was so so gentle and never used her size or power.  The essence of the card is inner strenght not brute force which was Ava all over.  People used to say it looked like I was walking a lion when I we went for walks so this card has real significance to me and I feel that although it was a computer generated selection that somehow Ava was behind it and has given me a sign that not only am I strong enough to get through this but that she may be gone physically but she is still here with me.  I will always see this card and think of her.

 

Ava small pic.jpeg

strength copy.jpg

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Oh my goodness, that is amazing! What a sign. She was a gentle soul in a lion body. 

As for not showering, circumstances being what they were it's understandable. I didn't shower for days at first b/c I was so in shock I didn't care. I took my shirt which was covered in my kitty's drool :( and fur etc. and folded on the floor for a couple months until we finally left the place when he passed. I threw it out. It was pretty old and I actually loved it but I could never wear it again after having it on the night we lost him.

He was all over our clothes. At one point I pulled every hair of his I could find, off my sweatshirt and collected a pile that sat on a table. I was so sad when we cleaned up one day and I let them go. It's all just symbols of course that we cling to and then eventually let go of. 

Also, last thing, I feel like you sleeping on the sofa made sense. After so much time, I think you'd have gone crazy upstairs - it's too much too soon.

Just be patient. As you said, Ava was such a physical presence, and of course your bond, just take things slowly and do not judge yourself for whatever rituals or things you do to cope as you move through these days. 

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Thank you,  I couldn't ask for a better sign from her. 

I know what you mean about collecting hair, I have been doing the same which is madness really, for several reason, I had already taken cuttings of Ava's hair from different parts of her coat because she had different textures and colours on different parts of her body, the woman from the crematorium has also taken some fur and when the vet came to put her to sleep yesterday she had to shave 2 of Ava's legs to find a vein which resulted in a handful of fur (because her coat was so thick) being left behind which I now have in a little gauze pouch beside me which I keep smelling and finally Ava was a very very furry dog with an incredibly thick coat and she shed a lot all the time so dog hairs were a constant battle to keep undercontrol and because I hadn't really done any housework for a few days they are all over the place. I think I will still be finding her hair on things a year from now because some of her coat like her undercoat are like velcro and cling to everything.  so in reality her fur is not going anywhere fast so why I feel the need to collect balls of it I don't know, I know have a ball forming on the table like you as I find stray clumps, even when I go outside in the back yard I have artificial grass which ilooks like a carpet that needs a good hoover because her fur has attached to it like it was a carpet so even from an upstairs window you can see her fur on the grass, but like you said it's just symbols that we cling to until we are strong enough to let them go.

I agree I couldn't have slept upstairs, it's too soon, as it was I had the TV on all night and dozed and then woke throughout the night, everytime I tried ttum the TV off and sleep I would be in tears in seconds because it was just so so quiet, Ava was such a heavy breather that even when she wasn't snoring you could hear her. 

I have been talking to her all day because occassionally I get a cold draft catch the side of my body, in truth it's probably because I have the heater on in the room I'm sat in and haven't got it on in the other room, because Ava was such a hot dog she couldn't tolerate being in a room with direct heat and would pant so noisily and heavily that it would drown everything out and I couldn't take phone calls because she was so loud so I would have a heater on in other rooms to heat the house and not in whatever room we were in and I would sit under a blanket or get a hot water bottle because at the end of the day I could add layers or hot water bottle etc but she was stuck in her coat anyway I've heard that if a spirit is nearby the air gets colder so I have been talking to Ava as if it's her, just in case it is her and not just cold air coming in from the other room, so if she has found her way back to me she knows I can feel her and am happy she's back with me.  At the end of the day if it's not her and just a draught coming from the other room, so what I live alone so no one is around to her me saying I'm glad she's come home and saying how pleased I am she's here and asking her how she is etc. 

I've been writing really long posts which I apologise for but I find it theraputic in some way because I have no one to talk to about not just how I feel but about Ava herself so this is the only outlet I have. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my crazy ramblings

 

 

 

 

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On 3/4/2018 at 4:50 AM, Sarah&Ava said:

She's gone, my baby girl has gone I'm literally crawling out of my own skin.  I know I did the right thing and she went very quickly and peacefully in the end but my heart is literally broke, both the vet and the woman from the pet crematorium asked if I had a friend that could sit with me, I said I did and that they were on their way, they offered to sit with me until they came but I told them I'd be ok, because in truth there is no friend, no one is coming. It was just me and Ava and now she's gone

Oh Sarah,

I'm so sorry, I can well imagine your heartbreak, the emptiness, how you long for her.  :(  I wish we could be there sitting with you and I hate that you're so alone.

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I would have done like you did and slept on the couch to be near her presence, just in case.  And I've already save some of Arlie's fur and he's still with me!  No I don't think you're crazy, we who love them do these thing.  I love smelling Arlie's fur because it's him!  I love listening to his gentle snoring, hearing his breathing, it's such a comforting sound because he's with me, I can imagine how the absence of that sound must be deafening to you to try and get through the silence.  I do think their spirits hover a while, perhaps days, I'm sure it varies, but however long they feel you need them to before they can go on to their awaited bliss.  We had discussion at my ladies group the other day about dogs going to heaven, some think they do, some don't, but I can't imagine a God that would not want our pets there, that would not make sense to me especially since He created them, and we already know there's animals in heaven, they have to be there, who would want to be there without them?  I choose not to let other people's ignorance to confound me, I rest assured that all of our lovely animals will be there awaiting us when we arrive.

It's amazing Ava passed so quickly, my Lucky fought it and those images were horrific, but she was so scared in real life, I guess it should surprise me she'd fight the passage into the next.  She is at last in peace.

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