I'm not ready.....

[Guest]

On Friday my gentle giant leonberger Ava wnt to the vets with what I thought was an infection due to a burst cyst on her back, it turned out that she had a tumour on her spleen that had ruptured.  I was put on standby for her to be put down if they found the tumour had spread during surgery, but luckily they could find no signs of it having spread.  It was touch and go all saturday if she would make it because she had lost so much blood, however she came home yesterday and although she is still not eating she is improving.  BUT.... the vet phoned me this afternoon to say they have got the biopsy result back which concluded that the tumour was cancerous and when these types of tumours rupture the cancer cells 'seed' the vet has told me to prepare for the worst and said it could be a few weeks or at best a couple of months.  I have been crying for over 5 hours now.... I just can't process that in a few weeks my girl who has been my constant companion my best and at times only friend is going to be gone.  I'm beyond devestated, part of me thinks it would have been better for her to have not woken up from the op on Friday because she is in so much pain due to the surgery and has been through so much since Friday and although this has brought me a few more weeks with her I feel like I have been on an emotional rollercoaster with her, saying my goodbyes and preparing for her to go on Friday to thinking she was going to be ok to now having to face her enduring more pain as the cancer spreads over the next few weeks and then the inevitable.  I've been trying to think positive about making memories over the time we have left and also been researching pet crematoriums in the area so I am prepared and can give her the best at the end but I just can't handle the thought of loosing her.....I keep telling myself that at 9 1/2 for a giant breed she's an old girl and wasn't going to live for ever  but I'm still devestated.

[AJWCat]

Hi I am sorry to hear what is happening to Ava.

Poor girl.

Of course you are crying. It's a horrible thing to have to go through - and watch her go through. Well, this is your chance to lavish her with extra love, make her comfortable, and give her as much of her favorite foods and treats as she wants. I imagine your vet has helped and given you pain meds? You will know when the time is "right" and when she is really not enjoying life. I wish I could say something more to make this somehow better. Thinking of you and wishing you peace as you deal with this. We all know how hard this is. Keep us posted. 

 

[MyMocha]

Oh my what an awful piece of news about your furry friend.  I understand dealing with roller-coaster emotions regarding furry companions and I am so sorry for you and what your Ava is going through.  A cancer diagnosis is never a happy thing to hear and I hope the vet gave something to ease Ava's pain during this time. And honestly I feel confident that no matter how long of a life our little friend's have it isn't long enough.  Many here will second that!  It's never the right time even when it is the right time.  No matter the circumstances.  The people here have been really wonderful and supportive even though there is no magic sentence to make it go away.  You have some really tough days ahead it seems so keep in touch here and have those who know exactly what it's like help you through. 

I read your response on my post and thought I would respond here first.  Ty for your support.  It has been very tough losing my Mocha.  Everyone here has suffered loss and understands and it has been so helpful to spend time on this forum. Thinking of you and your Ava. Keep us updated.

[Guest]

Thanks for your kind words,  I guess what makes it especially hard for me is that she's realy all I have.  I don't have any family and have very few friends especiallly where I live.  I've had to move around alot due to domestic violence.  It has also meant that the life I have given Ava is not the one I intended when I first brought her home.  I ibuilt up a lot of debt due to the issues i've had which has meant for a couple of her early years I ended up working 2 full time jobs and for the last 5 years I have been working 12 hour days.  2 weeks ago I finally started a job where I will be working from home because I know she is getting older and thought because she was in good health for her age I wuld be able to spend the next year or so being with her all day every day because she deserves that and although I know it doesn't make up for whats gone before I wanted her to know I loved her and was here for her in a way that I haven't been and have always felt immense guilt about.  For the last 3 years I have slept on the sofa with her because she was unable to get up stairs and I felt that because I was out all day it was unfair to come in spend a couple of hours with her then go upstairs leaving her downstairs on her own again. I don't go out in the evenings or at weekends other than 30 minutes to do grocery shopping.  I've tried to do the best by her all these years but I just feel I have let her down.  I wasnt even here when she got ill, I had to go to do my induction for my new job and had to stay away for 2 nights, I hired a dog sitter but when I got home it was clear she was ill, the dog sitter then said she had been sick on the first day I went away..  I know I shouldn't do this to myself, that it doesn't help or change anything and that she knows I love her but I feel like she has given me so much and I have given her so little of everything but most of all my time.  And now I will finally be at home all day and have time to give her and she will be gone and I will be alone in the house all day it's like a cruel payback for all the time she's been home alone.

[Jencatlover]

Sarah please don't think you haven't done enough for her, I think you have done brilliantly as you said you have had your own struggles too. Ava is gorgeous, such a lovely picture. I think we all think back to things we could have done differently, maybe we could have and maybe not. We do the best we can at the time and animals love us unconditionally, that's a big part of why many of us are closer to our pets than to other people. Pets don't judge us and the bond we have with them is amazing.

Knowing the end is close is just heartbreaking and I feel your pain. You have time now to be with her, love her and cuddle her, she looks like she gives great cuddles. I can't say anything that makes things easier, only that we have to do what's best for them in any situation, regardless of how impossible the decision is.

[KayC]

Oh my God, that's so heartbreaking, your beautiful baby!  We will be with you as you go through the struggles, I don't know which is worse, knowing what's coming or having gone through it, it's just hard.  Anticipatory grief.  Just give your beautiful Ava lots of love...

[Guest]

Thank you JenCatLover,  I know I can't change the past, if I could I would change so many things

And yes she does give the best cuddles

[Guest]

Thank you KayC, I think this site is going to be the only thing thing that helps me through what is to come.  I spoke to my friend today who took me to get Ava 9 1/2 years ago,  straight away she said she was ready to go with me to get a puppy because she knows that I am not going to cope without her.  She lives 200 miles away but understands how deeply this is going to affect me.  I don't have any friends like that where I live at the moment.  I had hoped to move back to where my friends like that are later this year because I thought I had time to do it before something like this happened but like everything else it's another thing that will happen too late.

[Jencatlover]

@KayC you are right, it's a different kind of grief before when you know what has to come, different to afterwards. It's tough because NOTHING will be worse than after as there is no going back but beforehand can rip your heart out just as much with the knowledge. 

Sarah keep us updated, although little can help, it does make some difference when you are speaking with people who not only have been through the same and can share their experiences, but also people who understand and listen with compassion which is a hard thing to find, even with friends and family. I've felt that people on here have been so supportive and that's what you need but your friend sounds wonderful so lean on her too if you can.

[Guest]

Thanks @Jencatlover,  it is a different kind of grief, I swing from denial because she's still here and is slowly recovering from the surgery so it's easy in moments to think she's going to be fine, then a wave of reality hits and you come plumetting down again.  I think only people who have lost a pet they have formed a soul bond with can truly understand.  I have friends that have had animals that have died but they have not really had that bond with, they have been 'family pets' I guess, I also have friends who have dogs and cats they got for thier children but see them as just being there but not an integral part of the family and when they have died they are sad but not to the same degree and  find it hard to understand the level of grief and heartbreak I am experiencing.  Most of my friends joke about my relationship with my dog and call me a mad dog lady and to be honest I am not bothered by that. 

[KayC]

I don't know that it's better or worse, it's hard in a way of its own.  I took care of my mother-in-law, who was the mom I always wanted and my best friend, for three years when she was bedridden and dying of cancer.  They'd told us she'd have about three weeks, it was just short of three YEARS.  My son turned one and my daughter was 2 1/2 when we started that journey, so they "lived with death" as young children.  My daughter had just started kindergarten when she died.  Living with death is very hard, knowing each moment you're losing them, it's a stressor I can't describe.  Sudden death is different, it sends you into shock, but living with death, day after day, that's hard too, just different.

Sarah, I can understand your feeling denial, that's natural.  I wouldn't be upset by people teasing me about my relationship with my dog either, it's true, I am extremely close to my dog and consider him my soulmate after having lost my husband, the love of my life and soulmate.

[Guest]

Thanks KayC, I apreciate all the support the people here are giving, it's pretty special when we are all trying to cope with our owngrief to be able to offer comfort to each other.

[Furbabies09]

Hi Sarah. How is Ava doing today? I hope it's another good day for you both. 

[Guest]

Hi Furbabies,

She's eating again which is a relief and she keeps wanting to go for a walk which although the vet said not to, I have been taking her on a very short walk literalily 3 minutes  just so she can get out of our little house, she has been spending a lot of time in the back yard which is really small and has a 6 foot high wall all around it so she is feeling very hemmed in I think.  I just feel I should give her anything she wants now.

[AJWCat]

I agree. let her do what she feels like doing just to get out for a few moments. Good that she's eating. No matter how much time you have left, you had some good moments. 

 

[KayC]

I can't see that a three minute walk could hurt her, she could get just as much exercise running around the house, and it might lift her spirits to see/smell something different.  I severely injured my knees and toes last May and trying to walk my dog was like going through the motions but I still did a short slow walk twice a day because he needs to get out.  

[Guest]

Thanks JCWCat and KayC,  I agree that it does life her spirits, it's funny because she's never gone to the front door before, we have our rountine and she doesn't bother outside of the but I'm not sure whether it's the change in routine now that I am working from home that's thrown her or that since she's been ill  I haven't taken her for her normal routine walks or whether it's that she has some sense that her time is coming to an end and she wants to have these experiences as much as she can in the time she has left.  I often wonder if animals have a sense of death and thier time running out, I keep thinking of how elephants will take themselves off to a certain place where all thier family have died when they are dying, there have been generations of elephants found in some of these sites around the world so it makes me think animals do have some idea of death and maybe Ava knows, if she does know I hope she's not scared or frightened of what's happening to her.

[Maria9]

Sarah I too am so sorry for your beautiful Ava and for what you are going through. No matter how well our mind knows the reality of them leaving us, our hearts will never be ready to let them go.. I am so sorry that you're experiencing this, this heartbreak, counting the minutes and the hours ...But I think you gave and are still giving Ava a wonderful life, even if you don't believe it. Ava really knows how much you love her. I think animals feel it when their time is near but they don't view it like we do. They're not scared, they are peaceful with it, they've accepted it, the way humans rarely do.  I 've read articles about this. Maybe because they are wiser than us and they know that all souls live forever , there is no end...I wish I could offer you more comfort, I know this is one of the hardest roads in life ,the one you're walking now. I know you'll make your Ava's days as beautiful as possible. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Furbabies09]

I agree Sarah. It's about making what she wants. If a short walk makes her happy, then so be it. You're her mom and you know in your heart what's best for her. Like any mother would. I'm glad to hear she's doing well. Enjoy the moment with her. This is what she'll remember.

[Maria9]

Sarah I just want to tell you, please don't torment yourself over the little things, like the one with her blanket. I am sure every one here could make such a list, with the things that never crossed our minds to do for our pets..but this doesn't prove that we didn't love them. It's the things that we DID do that matter, every small gesture that showed our love. And our pets know it.

[Guest]

Thank you Maria, your right I know and I can see through reading other peoples posts that I am not alone in torturing myself over all the little things, guilt is all part of the grieving process and just something we do which we know isn't helpful and when I read other people's posts where their beating themselves up I can see the love they had for thier firbaby and that they dd nothing wrong and tried so hard to give their furbabies the best life they could and I know that I have to be kinder to myself for not being a perfect person. I think you're right that our pets know how much we love them, how could they be so devoted to us and look at us with such deep love if they weren't feeling the same back otherwise.

[MyMocha]

@Sarah&Ava, glad to hear Ava is eating and moving around. Spoil her as much as you can dear. Seriously whatever she wants. If it's true what the vet said about the situation then make the very best of the days, weeks, ect. I imagine Ava is still recovering from her surgery so just be mindful of that.  Hugs

[Guest]

Thanks MyMocha, it's really hard because each day that goes by she's returning more and more to her old self, which is so good on one hand but also so hard to have watched her go through so much and put up such a battle to get better to know that anyday she could suddenly take a turn for the worse.  In some ways seeing her recover makes it harder to believe she ihas so little time left.  I hope you are doing ok, I'm really amazed by how selfless people are on this site, people like you and many others that are in so much pain themselves still finding something in themselves to care about and show compassion for others, I think this shows how much we learn from our furbabies.

[KayC]

On 1/19/2018 at 6:45 AM, Sarah&Ava said:

I often wonder if animals have a sense of death and thier time running out

I think they know but they look at it more matter of factly than we do.  My Autumn Kitty was 14 years old and arthritic when she went off to die...I never found her body, but I knew her time was near and it didn't surprise me.  I wouldn't be surprised if she just went into the woods, laid down, and went to sleep.  They don't question it like we do.  But I'm consoled by thoughts of seeing her again someday and then she won't have arthritis or be scared.  

 

[Guest]

That's really interesting that you kitty did that KaYC and I find it quite conforting that they don't fear it like we do.  I'm not sure if Ava knows she's dying but today I think she's sensed how sad I am and has been full of energy and very affectionate which she usually is but she's been so sick for the last week she hasn't shown much interest in things it's like she's trying to tell me everything's ok and not to be sad.

[Ladiebug's New Momma]

I do believe that animals know when their time is near. When Bear first showed signs of being sick he demanded that we go to bed, but I had to lay on the floor with him, and if I started to doze off he made sure I woke up. I was lucky enough to be able to work from home, and I will be eternally grateful to my boss for suggesting it. I got to spend his last 8 weeks with him 24/7. I was not allowed out of his sight, and if he caught me crying he'd whine with me. Even though we had spent the first 9 yrs or so of his life together 24/7, I made sure he had everything he needed, even if it meant I had to do without, I did. I still feel guilty because I don't think I did enough. Ava knows how very much you love her, and the feeling is mutual I'm sure. Please don't beat yourself up. Ava needs your strength right now. You are obviously a great fur mommie, and she knows it.

[AJWCat]

I think you are right KayC. They have survival instincts when they are healthy. When they are sick or in pain, they know it. And then they are wired to hide, to sleep and to let go. 

I bet Ava is trying to comfort you. Sweet girl, what a love. We're all thinking of you. 

[Guest]

Thank you Ladybugs new momma,  I am very lucky that 3 weeks ago I started a job that means I can work from home, intially I took it because I have always suffered immense guilt at the long hours I did and the time that Ava was home alone.  Since I have had Ava I have completed a degree and a masters degree which has now enabled me to get a job I can do from home, so in some senses all the work has got me to that place but it just took so long to get there.  I did my degree and masters by distance learning so although I was at home studying in addtion to work Ifeel like I was always busy and never really gave her the attention she deserved.  I am sad that this has happened just as I finally get to the point where I am going to be at home all day and will be able to give her the time she deserved, I remember saying to her before Christmas that I knew it had taken a long time but that we would spend the next year maybe 2 given her age together all the time and how much I was looking forward to being with her, so it's kind of bittersweet, but I am so so grateful that I can be with her durig this time, to be there as she gets sick, to comfort her and ensure she is not in pain, monitor her pain meds etc.  It would kill me if I had had to go to work and leave her alone during the last week and even more in the coming weeks so like you I am so grateful to be able to spend what ever time we have together 24/7.

I've noticed somethiing 'strange' that Ava has been doing over the last week, whenver I get upset, she comes over to me but then looks at something behind me, it's the same alert look she gives if someone passes by the window in the living room but she doesn it know when noone is there or I have the curtains drawn.  I guess it could be that the cancer has started to spead in her brain.... but another part of me part of me thinks maybe it's some one I love who has passed  or maybe even my old dog Jasmine that she can see, I like to think that maybe they are there to tell her not to be scared and that she will not be alone when she has to go and maybe even a way of letting her know that she will not be leaving me completely that she will still be able to come and see me even if I am not aware of it.  They do say that animals are better at sensing these things  so who knows but she doesn't seem scared or aggitated by whatever it is she is seeing..

[Jencatlover]

We do treat our pets like they are our babies and they feel like they are, that's how I feel about my cats. I'm sure they must see things differently to us though. I think life is simpler for them in so much as they don't have the worries or stress we do, they don't have the knowledge we do that can be so painful. I think they live in the moment so much more than us. They must do because why would they beg for their food, each day, as if they will never be fed again? Surely common sense dictates we ALWAYS feed them each day! Then there are other things they learn very quickly. I think they are selective in what they want to know. They know we adore them because they know exactly how to get around us and get what they want! 

There are a lot of things we will never understand about them, including why Ava is looking at something behind you. She must see the world differently to us and communicate differently so she could be sensing something you can't see. Their mystery is part of their wonderful appeal i think.

[Maria9]

I too think your Ava is trying to comfort you by coming to you, telling you everything will be ok and that she will always be with you, even when she's not in material form anymore. I think our pets know so much more than we imagine...I think her brain is fine, it may be that she's starting to see into the "other side", like people do the weeks before they pass. I think she knows she will be safe and loved and that there's nothing to fear. Even so, I know getting ready to say goodbye is still so heartbreaking....but it's a great thing that your life has been arranged so that you can be constantly be with her. I pray that you find some peace in this, even among the pain.

[Guest]

They definetly know how to get round us to get what they want so I agree Jencatlover that they must know we love them.  Maria, I like the idea that she is starting to see 'the other side' because she's doesn't seem scared or agitated by it so it's comforting to think that she can see where she is going and is ok with it and she will be safe and hopefully with some familiar faces that she will know will take care of her.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Sarah&Ava said:

I've noticed somethiing 'strange' that Ava has been doing over the last week, whenver I get upset, she comes over to me but then looks at something behind me, it's the same alert look she gives if someone passes by the window in the living room but she doesn it know when noone is there or I have the curtains drawn.  I guess it could be that the cancer has started to spead in her brain.... but another part of me part of me thinks maybe it's some one I love who has passed  or maybe even my old dog Jasmine that she can see, I like to think that maybe they are there to tell her not to be scared and that she will not be alone when she has to go and maybe even a way of letting her know that she will not be leaving me completely that she will still be able to come and see me even if I am not aware of it.  They do say that animals are better at sensing these things  so who knows but she doesn't seem scared or aggitated by whatever it is she is seeing..

I wonder this too, I do think they accept things better than we do, so are more open to what can't be explained.  

[MyMocha]

@Sarah&Ava, just checking on Ava. How is she recovery as far as her surgery? You still getting to go on walks? Her coming to you when you are upset is such a great experience. Mocha would seek me out if I was crying in another room and "bite" me on the knee. She always did that when I would get upset. I always took it as her way of saying that she was there when no one else was...or maybe it just annoyed her

[Guest]

Hi MyMocha, thank you for thinking of Ava, she's doing much better which is good, she's back to her old self, bouncing around and eating well.  Which is good but it's also hrd because I know this is only temporary and in the next few weeks things are going to change.  I'm trying to make the most of it but it's sad to see her so well yet knowing there is this thing inside her that is going to kill her and take her away from me.  She is still leaking from her wound from the surgery, they are putting her on steroids to try to help it health so she is leaving watery blood droplets around the house at the moment.

[MyMocha]

Glad to hear she is doing well!  I can imagine how hard it is though, knowing about the hidden problem growing inside, but try to enjoy this time while she is doing so well.  Take this time to do a reasonable "bucket list" and create those memories that so many miss out on.  No time is really right to lose a dear friend but try to enjoy Ava being with you for as long as possible. Dogs don't hide illness as well as cats so I think Ava will let you know when she starts not feeling good anymore dear.

Oh goodness, well hopefully the steroids will help dry up the leaking. 

[KMacDW]

I feel for you, to know that your time with your best friend is limited must be horrific. It's lovely that you're trying to make memories with her while she's still with you. I've read so many stories about people doing 'bucket lists' and such with their terminal dogs; and I think that's an amazing idea. 

I'm sure she is trying to tell you everything will be ok. Our dogs hate to see us sad, they feel their purpose in life is to make us happy, They are such selfless animals. 

I hope you and Ava enjoy your remaining time together; and I'm sure when she finally passes, she will do so full of happiness and love. 

[Guest]

Mymocha and KMacDW thank you both, so far the only thing on the bucket list that Ava's interested in is eating all the things that have been on her 'not allowed' list becaus she's always had a bit of a battle with her weight as it is it's doesn't really matter any more so all restrictions are off and she's loving it! I guess there are some benefits of knowing that she's on borrowed time in that respect and I'm sure you're right MyMocha she will let me know when she's not feeling good anymore and has had enough and I just have to be strong enough to let her go.

[MyMocha]

@Sarah&Ava, Oh I am sure she IS loving all the extra treats!  My Belle gets lots of those, lol.  So bucket list stuff...well things my Belle loves are going to the dog park, going out for a hike by the lake - or anywhere honestly - swimming in the previously mentioned lake...going to Braum's for a cup of vanilla ice cream, and I certainly can't forget to include endless pizza crusts and car rides!!!!  I don't know where you are located and what amenities are offered in that location but these are just a few "little things" that I know make my Belle have a special day. 

As for being "strong enough to let her go"...i send all my love to you on that one...i have no doubt that will be one of the hardest things you ever do. Regardless of prior experience. We will be with you. Hugs

[Guest]

Ava loves the dog park  too and walks by the canal nearby she loves going anywhere where she gets attention and of course anywhere there is food and she loves playing with my friends little boy

[MelsGone]

Dearest Sarah,

My first dog who passed away in 2006, was my best friend & only family so I understand. My dog Mel was put down yesterday morning as you know, for you left me kind words- despite your own suffering. What a beautiful, expressive, face - lovely Ava has. I think dogs know more than we think they know. They are more accepting than us. They start as puppies then they just surpass us - outsmart us, tolerate us, comfort us, take care of us - stay as long as they can, and then they leave us. We are left with thoughts of guilt but maybe we were never in charge to begin with. I guess all we can do is love and appreciate our pets during the time we share together and in the end assure them a dignified passing. I don’t know, I’m still processing this myself.

[Guest]

You're so right MelsGone, they surpass us in every way possible. Ava definitely knows more than I do, she has a wisdom about her.  All we can do is love them the best we know how and somehow that seems to be enough for them dispite how lacking we may feel it is.  I gope you're doing ok, I know it's still early days and  very raw but we are all here for you if you need us.

[KayC]

I'm glad you're letting her have special foods and enjoyment while she can.  Ava is beautiful, from the back she looks like my dog, the golden color and waviness.  My heart goes out to you, I know how hard this is, knowing what is to come but trying to live in the moment and enjoy what is, is so important.  You're doing well with it, even if you don't feel like it.  I hope the steroids help her.

[Guest]

Thanks KayC xx

[Furbabies09]

Morning Sarah, how are you doing and how is Ava? 

[Guest]

Hi furbabies, Ava's doing really well which is good but I'm really struggling with it to be honest.  It's hard to know that this is only temporary, I can be  ok then I will burst into tears because I will suddenly think about her not being here.  I know I should be grateful for this extra time but at the same time it's torture i'm constantly on the look out for any sign of the cancer, any sign she's in pain, struggling to breath, if she doesn't eat all her food I cry  because I'm hyper alert for any signs that it's 'time'.   it's like I'm waiting for her to die instead of being grateful she's alive.

[Furbabies09]

I'm glad she's doing well. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I understand it can be hard. Its hard not to think of what's to come and its got to be draining for you to be on alert 24/7. All you want to do is make her comfortable and take care of her. You do what you feel is best and what's going to make things easier for the both of you. 

We took lots of pictures and videos of our last days with Jacob. Despite his condition, I wanted those last memories. I look back at his whole journey all the time. At first it made me sad but then I started to see he was happy all those yrs we had together. I was able to smile when I thought of him. I dont know if taking videos of Ava will help. I know you're on alert and always watching her. This will allow you to review the videos now for anything you need to take her in for but also later you'll be able to look at them and help you through your grief. Its just a thought. 

Sarah our family is here for you and we send lots of love and hugs to you and Ava. ❤

[MyMocha]

@Sarah&Ava, oh sweetie that last post from you was really heartbreaking.  I am just going to quickly say that from my experience you are never going to be able to "prepare" yourself for that moment.  You can know all you want that it's inevitable but it won't do a thing to prepare you sweetie.  We love our precious companions too much to be able to do that i think.  You aren't "waiting for her to die", you are just trying to be prepared and I am so sorry. I don't mean to make this post about my Mocha but I wanted to mention that in the last few months she had started to lose weight for the first time and even though i asked several times about the cause i was repeatedly told there was nothing we could do. I mention it because from that moment on when I looked at her I had "the inevitable" in the back of my mind.  I know how torturing it can be. Though our situations were/are different what I am trying to say is that it didn't help prepare me one little bit.  So maybe remind yourself of that and maybe it will help you feel like you are enjoying all of this remaining time with Ava.  She is still here and able right now.  Big hugs to you both.

[Guest]

Thank you MyMocha, you are right nothing can prepare us for losing our furbabies.  I try to push the negative thoughts away but then all of a sudden they overwhelm me.  Meanwhile Ava is going about her life as if nothing is wrong, she 's had her stitches out and is now able to go for walks and is eating well, I have so much to be grateful for because I could have lost her 2 weeks ago and yet here she is slurping her water, leaving a water trail everywhere just like normal. 

 

[Guest]

I know you understand Furbabies, you went through so much with Jacob and never gave up on him.  I've been taking lots of pictures and video's of Ava too, at the moment they just make me sad, but I know eventually they will bring me comfort and even make me laugh as I'm able to watch her doing her funny, quirky things.  I do think about all the things I've managed to video in the last 2 weeks that I wouldn't have captured if I hadn't been given this extra time.  So many things I've taken for granted because it's 'just Ava' but when you realise that there is going to come a day when she won't be here to do those 'just Ava' things they become more precious, so yes I am grateful for this time and it is worth the pain of waiting for the inevitable.  One of my friends said to me earlier that this moment is always inevitable which is why she won't have animals. she won't even let her kids have hamsters!  I can understand that but at the same time I think it's sad to never experience the love you get from furbabies because you know that you will have to go through the pain of losing them eventually.

[sparkyn98]

@Sarah&Ava , I hate to hear about your beautiful girl! I had to look up her breed! she looks just like a St Bernard I had that mated with a golden and the puppies looked a lot like Ava! Gorgeous! And I can relate to some of your "blame"!! I literally had to go to my therapist last week to talk. I lost my pug about a month ago to colon cancer. Lost my husband to colon cancer in 07 after a 2 year battle. In my session I kept coming back to feelings of "failing" my fur baby. With my husband, not so much because he was a grown human capable of taking himself to the doctor. So, I can totally relate to those feelings. But, I keep coming back to how I also want to "blame" the staff at UGA who did his resection surgery and then lost him to aspiration pneumonia. Did they do everything they could? Did they over-medicate him and that's why they couldn't bring him back when he coded? The list to blame them became almost as long as the list I was blaming on myself. I guess what it comes down to is that we love them. Literally, almost as unconditionally as they love us. We would never do anything to harm them. You have to keep reminding yourself that you did the best that YOU could do. In your situation. 

I think a puppy would be a good idea! For some, it's not, but you sound a lot like me. I'm an only child with dis-located family. My friends love to go out and drink and I just don't live that life anymore. I think a puppy would be just what your heart needs to heal. Although, it might take some time to grieve first... I went and picked up a senior from the pound for my local rescue that I volunteer with at the 2 week mark of losing my Okie (coincidentally, it was his birthday!) and I already love her to pieces, but it's very bitter sweet sometimes. She has a lot of Okie's characteristics. Sometimes, it's soothing, sometimes it can just make me raw with hurt... 

Good luck and know that these ladies on here are absolutely awesome! Just reading their posts helped me the first two weeks!!