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What life is left now?


floyd11554

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I signed up a few days ago and wondered whether to post or not and whether or not it would help me.  11 days ago I found my girlfriend of 8 years dead in her apartment.  I couldn't get a hold of her for two days and I went there, we called the cops and they broke down the door.  We still do not have a cause of death.  She was my best friend.  The one you wait your whole life for.  The one you can be silly with, never argue with, stay up late and play video games with till the sun rises.  We did everything together even though we did not live together for other reasons.  I wake up each day now wondering what i am supposed to do.  No one to text wondering how there day is and say I love you, no one to spend all night listening to live music webcasts with, or even something so mundane like watching Monday Night Raw.  I feel lost and like half of me has been ripped away.  All I do is cry and I can't turn it off. 

She was only 37 yet so many fucking monsters get to roam this earth until they are 80 or 90.  I never believed in god to begin with but these last seven years have only reaffirmed why I never did in the first place.  This great god so many believe in decided to take my mother in 2011, my father in 2016, and now the love of my life and the one I should be marrying and never got the chance to.  This is fair?  This is what makes life worth living?  Why even try to be a good person when all you do is get everything that matters ripped away from you.  I just feel helpless.  I know everyone on here has suffered the same loss so I don't mean to rant.  I guess I just want to talk to someone who has actually experienced the same.  Family and friend support is great but with the exception of a few they don't truly know what I and all of you have gone thru.   I can only be asked how am I doing so many times before I want to punch a wall.  I just want to scream my lungs out till it fills this room.

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Awe, Floyd, I feel your pain.  I am so sorry for your loss and the trauma associated with finding your much loved girlfriend, passed away.   We feel like half of us has been ripped away from us because that’s exactly what has happened - death has stolen our other halves, our soulmates.  

I’m glad you found us and have posted.  We here on the forum, have experienced a beautiful, not so easily found love. A love that has made our lives feel complete, and now we suffer deeply.  Our mind, body and souls are so battered and bruised with our loss.  

Here we are among others who really understand the depth of each other’s pain. By sharing our pain and experiences we can help each other endure this ordeal.  Those further down this terrible road called grief, offer newer ones hope that the pain will ease in time, and it does ease a little in time, but so so gradually we don’t notice it.  

We need to do stuff that allows us to release some of our pain.  Let the tears flow.   You say you want to scream - if you can’t go to an outdoor place where you can scream in private, scream into your pillow.  You want to punch a wall - beat the **** out of your couch or get yourself one of those punching bag thingees. 

I hope you will find the understanding, compassion and support that I have here. Keep reading the threads and posting.  Rants are healing and are welcome here, Floyd. 

Sending you strength, love and hugs.  

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Thank you for your kind words.  It is why I did finally post.  I read a bunch of threads beforehand so I knew how serious it was here.  It is the internet after all.  I can tell this forum is filled with real compassionate people who mean what they say and mean what has happened to them.  It is not easy opening up especially in the public sphere but I can tell everyone here is sincere and we can all heal together.  I am looking into local support groups as well so I can have people to talk to locally.  

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You’re welcome, Floyd.  I’m glad you’re looking into grief support groups.  We don’t have one in my village but there has been a lot of deaths here in the past couple of years and a number of us visit and support each other in any way we can.  

I also did my research before I joined up.  We are bearing our pain and souls to the world, mind you, the only people searching for this type of forum will be hurting, grieving folk.  I like that you’ll not hear empty platitudes spouted off here.  We have to tolerate enough of those from those well meaning folk around us.  Working our way through grief for a partner is a tough slog and we tell it like it is. There’s no sense in kidding ourselves otherwise. Living just one hour or one day at a time is the slogan around here. 

There’s usually someone around here 24/7 as we come from a few corners of the globe, and of course sleep doesn’t come easy to many of us.  Time spent on here is time well spent in my opinion as we can learn so much from each other.  

Know you’re in my thoughts. 

Strength love and hugs. 

 

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Floyd,

I'm so sorry, eight years together, that's longer than I had with my husband.  I don't look at it like someone took him from me, but rather life (or death) happens, and it seems rather random to me, like you said, some get to live long lives, others taken at 37?  Doesn't make any sense because there IS no making sense of it.  I'm just so sorry for your loss, their absence changes everything to us, it really does.

This is a good place to be, we all "get it", we're all going through the same thing, in various stages.  It does help to express yourself and know you're heard and understood, that's what we're all here for, to be there for each other, make it through this together.

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Floyd,

One day, one moment at a time. You can check my previous posts but I found my wife deceased in our bed. After 4+ months I still do not have a cause of death.

You have my deepest sympathies. While no one can know exactly how you feel we do know the pain and brutal agony of losing the one person who is so special to us. Many people will give you suggestions here. Try them all and do your best to use what works for you. This is the beginning of a painful journey. Some days I am okay, some days I'm still a wreck and some days I'm like a zombie.

Go easy on yourself. It's a tough thing to deal with no matter how strong we may think we are. Take your time, share and KNOW that we are all here for you and with you. It's a pretty rough road but you will move forward a little at a time. I still cry more days than not but I miss Lauri so I cry. A poster here reminded me that we must go through the pain; embrace it. It is true. It's the only way forward.

We are here! 

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Thank you to everyone here.  Looks like I found the right place.  I'm trying to resume some normalcy today by running some errands and doing laundry but even that brings pain as that was what we did on the last day we saw each other.  It is why I really need to escape this town.  No where I can go where I am not reminded in some way.  Just driving down the main road brings me to tears.  I know they say you can't run away from your pain but in this instance I at least need to be removed from the constant reminder of it.

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It's bittersweeet, isn't it!  I hope you got a good drive at least...we drove everywhere together, no getting away from it.  It was months before I could get groceries because we always did it together.

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10 hours ago, KayC said:

It's bittersweeet, isn't it!  I hope you got a good drive at least...we drove everywhere together, no getting away from it.  It was months before I could get groceries because we always did it together.

More reason why I need to move at least to a new town.  Even going to the grocery store or the drug store or any places around here to eat I expect her to be walking alongside me or in my passenger seat on the way.  I just feel completely alone.  Today was my first day back at work and I kept looking at my phone waiting for her to text me even though I knew the text was never going to come.  

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It's kind of a double-edged sword...if we move, we may miss being in the place they were and getting the comfort from that, but if we don't move, in the early months especially we can be hit with triggers.  They say not to make a big change in the first year, I'd extend that to two years from what I've learned going through it.  One year in no way signifies a closure to our grief!

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Agreed.  I am not talking about leaving the state just yet even though that was our goal for 2018.  I just need to get out of this apartment.  Too many memories in here that are constant reminders each day and night.  

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I don't know why today is a hard day.  There is no particular reminder to make today more difficult than the others but for some reason today has been like that.  All week I have managed and gotten thru the day but today has been hard.  Feel like my heart is beating thru my chest, random crying, and just aimless walking around my apartment.  Tomorrow marks three weeks since I found her.  Maybe that is subconsciously messing with me or maybe I just miss her that much more each day.  

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18 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

or maybe I just miss her that much more each day.  

That's true for me, with each passing year without my husband.

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Floyd, I understand feeling like part of you is missing. I feel like there is a whole in my soul. Im just going to focus on getting through today 

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1 hour ago, Traycb said:

Floyd, I understand feeling like part of you is missing. I feel like there is a whole in my soul. Im just going to focus on getting through today 

I saw your thread you started.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Just when you think things start to turn around they become their darkest in the blink of an eye.  Some things in life just cannot be explained.   Getting through one day at a time is exactly how I have been doing it for the last 23 days.  Each day I find a new reason to get out of bed cause I know when I do reminders are everywhere.  I am trying to get to a point where the reminders make me smile instead of cry.  

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So tonight is a hard night.  It may sound silly to some but me and her loved to watch wrestling.  Tonight is the Royal Rumble and it was our favorite event of the year.  Sitting here watching this by myself is causing all kinds of ache and just feels so wrong without her by my side on the couch.  She should be here with me.  We should both be yelling at the TV together.  This is all kinds of pain right now.  

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On 1/15/2018 at 10:14 PM, floyd11554 said:

I signed up a few days ago and wondered whether to post or not and whether or not it would help me.  11 days ago I found my girlfriend of 8 years dead in her apartment.  I couldn't get a hold of her for two days and I went there, we called the cops and they broke down the door.  We still do not have a cause of death.  She was my best friend.  The one you wait your whole life for.  The one you can be silly with, never argue with, stay up late and play video games with till the sun rises.  We did everything together even though we did not live together for other reasons.  I wake up each day now wondering what i am supposed to do.  No one to text wondering how there day is and say I love you, no one to spend all night listening to live music webcasts with, or even something so mundane like watching Monday Night Raw.  I feel lost and like half of me has been ripped away.  All I do is cry and I can't turn it off. 

She was only 37 yet so many fucking monsters get to roam this earth until they are 80 or 90.  I never believed in god to begin with but these last seven years have only reaffirmed why I never did in the first place.  This great god so many believe in decided to take my mother in 2011, my father in 2016, and now the love of my life and the one I should be marrying and never got the chance to.  This is fair?  This is what makes life worth living?  Why even try to be a good person when all you do is get everything that matters ripped away from you.  I just feel helpless.  I know everyone on here has suffered the same loss so I don't mean to rant.  I guess I just want to talk to someone who has actually experienced the same.  Family and friend support is great but with the exception of a few they don't truly know what I and all of you have gone thru.   I can only be asked how am I doing so many times before I want to punch a wall.  I just want to scream my lungs out till it fills this room.

Floyd, I am so sorry to hear your girlfriend.   Your first paragraph brought back a lot of memories of my earlier days.... wherein you quickly realize what you've lost, your whole life is changed, and what now or what the heck am I going to do with the rest of my life becomes the aching question on top of all the pain.   Then there are the changes in our daily life ..... as you indicated... no more texts, no phone phone calls... everything you did together before that made it "your life" has now gone away, all suddenly and without warning.     Yes, my wife was in her 30s as well.  It's crazy.... you think you have a  lifetime with that person then BAM, they are taken away from you.          I don't know what to say.  It's not fair.  There's no good reason for this.  And it does sound like a big mistake at time.       The emptiness and the void is overwhelming and I suspect that you will develop a host of feelings and emotions over the next few weeks and months.  I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through.    Continue to come here and share with us what you feel comfortable.   I think you will quickly see that there are many people out there that don't have the slightest clue to what we go through (especially when u are in your 30s!!!!) ... but everyone here understands.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

Floyd, I am so sorry to hear your girlfriend.   Your first paragraph brought back a lot of memories of my earlier days.... wherein you quickly realize what you've lost, your whole life is changed, and what now or what the heck am I going to do with the rest of my life becomes the aching question on top of all the pain.   Then there are the changes in our daily life ..... as you indicated... no more texts, no phone phone calls... everything you did together before that made it "your life" has now gone away, all suddenly and without warning.     Yes, my wife was in her 30s as well.  It's crazy.... you think you have a  lifetime with that person then BAM, they are taken away from you.          I don't know what to say.  It's not fair.  There's no good reason for this.  And it does sound like a big mistake at time.       The emptiness and the void is overwhelming and I suspect that you will develop a host of feelings and emotions over the next few weeks and months.  I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through.    Continue to come here and share with us what you feel comfortable.   I think you will quickly see that there are many people out there that don't have the slightest clue to what we go through (especially when u are in your 30s!!!!) ... but everyone here understands.

I am so sorry for your loss.  You sum it up perfectly.  The entire routine of your day, everything is shattered.  Everything you have come to know is gone in an instant.  I still don't know how to comprehend it all.  I am just trying to piece things together.  I look over at my couch tonight and I don't understand how she is not sitting right there as always.  The fact that I will never kiss her again or hold her in my arms.  I just can't grasp it.  I know it hasn't been a lot of time but nothing has healed or changed.  I still wake up in a constant nightmare.  When did you feel that things got back to any kind of normalcy for you?  

 

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3 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  You sum it up perfectly.  The entire routine of your day, everything is shattered.  Everything you have come to know is gone in an instant.  I still don't know how to comprehend it all.  I am just trying to piece things together.  I look over at my couch tonight and I don't understand how she is not sitting right there as always.  The fact that I will never kiss her again or hold her in my arms.  I just can't grasp it.  I know it hasn't been a lot of time but nothing has healed or changed.  I still wake up in a constant nightmare.  When did you feel that things got back to any kind of normalcy for you?  

 

In my mind I keep thinking about the word, "Never." I guess I can't grasp the "never" either. I am unable to resign myself to this, to living like this, like being in a foreign country. Nothing makes sense to me. I think how this has been going on all the time, around me, and I was unaware. Sure, I understood that people died, that people I knew experienced loss, I lost my own parents decades ago, but it was not like this. I don't feel the richness or connection in life anymore, for two months now. And I can't get the last images out of my mind, of not being able to help my husband with CPR. I keep thinking his poor heart, his poor heart. I am so sad.  I am grateful that this forum gives me a place to put these thoughts, because other people don't understand. 

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20 hours ago, Traycb said:

Im just going to focus on getting through today 

This is, essentially, how I've done it, practicing living in the present and trying not to worry about the future or compare to the past.

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9 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

When did you feel that things got back to any kind of normalcy for you?

Normalcy as we knew it is gone...we get a new kind of normal in its place.  And we have to build it.  Try not to be overly concerned with how long this takes, we're in it for the long haul, it's a rest of our life kind of thing, but it can be done, I promise you.  I'm doing it.

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59 minutes ago, KayC said:

Normalcy as we knew it is gone...we get a new kind of normal in its place.  And we have to build it.  Try not to be overly concerned with how long this takes, we're in it for the long haul, it's a rest of our life kind of thing, but it can be done, I promise you.  I'm doing it.

This is excellent advice from KayC.  In my earlier weeks and months, I kept wondering how long the grief and the pain will last.  I've set some of what I thought were realistic timeframes for where I wanted to be at some point in the future.    When I missed all of those (realistic to me at the moment) deadlines, I've quickly realized that there's no right answer.   Because grief is not black and white.  Feelings and emotions don't just change overnight nor do they disappear.  They evolve and reshape as KayC has stated, overtime.    So grief changes from black, to various shades, and then to white, and perhaps vice versa, with every color of the rainbow in between.   And they can cycle back and fourth, sometimes frequently, and it could be hard to gauge where you are at.     I've developed so many shifts (though I would not say I am unstable), that I've decided to let go of the deadlines because putting a time limit just doesn't make sense.    At teh end of the day, we need to face our grief head on to process it.   It is different for everyone.  Normalcy doesn't exist in our life anymore....      

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10 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  You sum it up perfectly.  The entire routine of your day, everything is shattered.  Everything you have come to know is gone in an instant.  I still don't know how to comprehend it all.  I am just trying to piece things together.  I look over at my couch tonight and I don't understand how she is not sitting right there as always.  The fact that I will never kiss her again or hold her in my arms.  I just can't grasp it.  I know it hasn't been a lot of time but nothing has healed or changed.  I still wake up in a constant nightmare.  When did you feel that things got back to any kind of normalcy for you?  

Hi Floyd...   I'll be at 7-months later on this week.  There is no normalcy.  I don't think that's ever going to happen.  My life has changed, forever.   My heart feels for you.  You have eloquently shared many of your thoughts and feelings, many of which brings back so many memories from my earlier days and weeks.  If there's comfort to you, just know that what you are feeling is absolutely normal and that there isn't anything you are doing wrong.   Those feelings, the pain, and the intensity of them will continue to bubble and at times, may feel like it will burst, for many weeks.      I'm not sure what your exact meaning of normalcy is, but if you're talking about the pain... well, that continues, indefiniately.    I am doing very well for where I am at, but processing this grief well had also made me realize that the pain, the void, and the emptiness will forever be etched in my heart.  It's not going away.   Things do change over time.   But you will also realize that there are SO MANY layers and depth to this grief. And you will evolve around a lot of them.  I've had feelings that I've never even thought my body could produce.  It is all so unimaginable.  Some are even so intense that I can't begin to describe it.    So as far as normalcy....  again, not really such thing in our world now.    When one area of your grief is improving, another part will take over.    So in other words, while you will get better in one area, another one will come around and take over.    Think of it like never-ending short-term college courses.  Just when you finish your final exam for one class, another one starts so you are always scrambling and worrying about your success.   

That said, I did hit a point at about 3.5 months where I did suddenly get 100-pounds of grief liffted off my shoulders.    I did embark on a spiritual journey immedately after I lost my wife which has brought me wonders.  One night, after a particular activitiy, the grief just let go and even though I was still getting waves of grief, they were much less intense and the frequency was much less.   But I also knew, at that point, despite the tragedy, that "everything will be OK."  Its a bit hard to explain but I'm still trying to develop my inner self in this area.    

When I hit the 6 month mark, I could confidently say that I'm 99.9% functional as a person.   But..... being HAPPY and still wanting to life your life is another story.    Sadly, I don't think I will ever be happy again.     I think I can find happiness at some point, but deep inside, I will always be miserable and sad about the loss of my wife.

I hope you are making it through your day.  I am here to help u in anyway possible.

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Thank you Azipod for your wonderful advice.   I know that things will change over time and you give me a good idea of how things will evolve as make my way through every phase.  Today was my first true day back at work.  I went back for three days over a week ago but then had a scheduled week off that I still had to take so I feel like today was my first real day back.  I can say at least for those 9 hours gave me some semblance of normalcy at least when it comes to day to day activities.  I am fortunate to have a career where I can kinda submerge myself in it and it will definitely keep me occupied and take my mind away for a bit. 

I keep grappling with the what do I do now part?  I know I shouldn't have the answer to that question but me and my girlfriend had talked for years about leaving New York and this year we were finally planning on doing it.  I wonder if I still should but now I am terrified to do it alone.  I also wonder how a fresh start would feel.  Would it help me?  Would it make me feel worse cause I will truly be alone in a new state where I know anybody?  Or will that be a blessing that I don't know anybody?   Maybe I just feel this way cause I feel like I am still living the life we shared cause I am still in this town.  Her bottle of liquor is still in my fridge.  I can't bring myself to drink it or pour it out.  I don't know whether to keep the reminders everywhere or just clear things out so I don't break down every day.  

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20 minutes ago, floyd11554 said:

Thank you Azipod for your wonderful advice.   I know that things will change over time and you give me a good idea of how things will evolve as make my way through every phase.  Today was my first true day back at work.  I went back for three days over a week ago but then had a scheduled week off that I still had to take so I feel like today was my first real day back.  I can say at least for those 9 hours gave me some semblance of normalcy at least when it comes to day to day activities.  I am fortunate to have a career where I can kinda submerge myself in it and it will definitely keep me occupied and take my mind away for a bit. 

I keep grappling with the what do I do now part?  I know I shouldn't have the answer to that question but me and my girlfriend had talked for years about leaving New York and this year we were finally planning on doing it.  I wonder if I still should but now I am terrified to do it alone.  I also wonder how a fresh start would feel.  Would it help me?  Would it make me feel worse cause I will truly be alone in a new state where I know anybody?  Or will that be a blessing that I don't know anybody?   Maybe I just feel this way cause I feel like I am still living the life we shared cause I am still in this town.  Her bottle of liquor is still in my fridge.  I can't bring myself to drink it or pour it out.  I don't know whether to keep the reminders everywhere or just clear things out so I don't break down every day.  

I think if you are struggling with what to do, then you should wait to make a decision. They say not to do any major changes for a year. I get it. My husband and i were just discussing moving to our other property in a neighboring town once our youngest graduates in 2019. I go back and forth about staying here or doing what we talked about. I know i have until 2019 to decide so i have a timeframe but i feel like it would make me sad to leave this house and our memories. 

Guess im not much help! Great job getting back to work! 

 

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Floyd11554:   Returning back to work is a huge step.  Make sure you give yourself a pat on the back for that.  I returned to work quite early too.  For me, going to work was the easiest part of dealing with the grief.  Like you, it allowed me to focus on other things and temporarily put the grief aside.  There were some difficult days but for me, it was a great idea.    In the earlier days, return  home after work was the worse part of the day.... and also the weekend.    Like you, it was difficult to go home to an empty place.   I saw my whole relationship in the house.  We declorated and customized our home for the both of us.  Everything at home reminded me of my wife. .... that was so difficult... and that's not even getting to the fact that she's no longer in the house.  It was terrible.

They say that we shouldn't make any big decisions for at least the first year after the loss.  I do whole heartedly believe in this.  There are so many emotions and feelings that will come and go during the first year.  Many of our desires in the past may change.  We may also have new plans.    What and how you are feeling now will evolve, and whatever decisions you make now may not be what you want down the line.    As far as what you should do..... well, I don't know think anyone has an answer for you but it's going to be all up to you.   These are very personal decisions and no one truly knows how and what you are going through in detail..... in time, you will know what is best for you.    If I took a guess, I would likely suggest that you stay in NY for this year and re-evaluate your plans towards the end of the year when things settle down.

I too had a terrible time to see all of my wife's belongings scattered around all over the house.  It was difficult and everything was a constant aching and visual reminder that she's no longer here.   My therapist recommended that I consolidate everything into one room.   I did just that and it pretty much fixed my issue.   I did leave our photos in place, and they are all over the house.  This, surprisingly, didn't bother me a single bit.    I think having photos around the house helps remind me that she's still here with me in my thoughts.... but that's just me...

Congrats again on returning back to work!   Having some structure in your day will help you during this terrible time.

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30 minutes ago, Lisaislost said:

I think if you are struggling with what to do, then you should wait to make a decision. They say not to do any major changes for a year. I get it. My husband and i were just discussing moving to our other property in a neighboring town once our youngest graduates in 2019. I go back and forth about staying here or doing what we talked about. I know i have until 2019 to decide so i have a timeframe but i feel like it would make me sad to leave this house and our memories. 

Guess im not much help! Great job getting back to work! 

 

You are definitely not the first one to mention waiting a year to make such a decision.  The thing is though it wouldn't be such a rash decision.  I have been talking of leaving this island for almost 20 years.  I just have never pulled the trigger.  Maybe the time is now, I don't have much keeping me here anymore honestly.

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I'd change that one year to two years at least.  In my early months/years I was in grief fog and my brain didn't have clarity.

You alone know what would most bring you comfort, whether to stay or leave, but it's a decision that can't be undone once acted on, so be sure you know your own mind/heart first.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

I'd change that one year to two years at least.  In my early months/years I was in grief fog and my brain didn't have clarity.

You alone know what would most bring you comfort, whether to stay or leave, but it's a decision that can't be undone once acted on, so be sure you know your own mind/heart first.

Very true, it is just one of many things that is circling around in my mind and pondering and you are absolutely right that I shouldn't make any rash decision.  I am trying to weigh every pro and con with any decision I make right now and when I think about getting out of here the pros outweigh all the cons.  I am fortunate that with my job I could simply just transfer and I have many options of where I could go.  The idea of entire new surroundings and newness is the biggest pro for me.  The biggest con for me is I would truly be alone somewhere new and have nobody though I feel that way here pretty much anyway.

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There are some people who absolutely shouldn't wait a year though, but I think they know it deeply for themselves.  One is a lady on my other grief forum, she is nomadic and her needy family came and moved in with her, she ended up leaving the place with them and moving into an apartment, and that was doing the right thing for her.  Her whole family seems to always be needing/wanting something/everything from her and she needed to be alone (with her granddaughter she is raising) to deal with things her way.  She made the leap and it was right for her.  But then she's always been nomadic and if her husband was still alive they'd be RVing around the country.  So for her to move into an apartment away from there was right for her.  

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

There are some people who absolutely shouldn't wait a year though, but I think they know it deeply for themselves.  One is a lady on my other grief forum, she is nomadic and her needy family came and moved in with her, she ended up leaving the place with them and moving into an apartment, and that was doing the right thing for her.  Her whole family seems to always be needing/wanting something/everything from her and she needed to be alone (with her granddaughter she is raising) to deal with things her way.  She made the leap and it was right for her.  But then she's always been nomadic and if her husband was still alive they'd be RVing around the country.  So for her to move into an apartment away from there was right for her.  

I just wonder what is really keeping me here other than some family and a few friends.  Both my parents are gone and now the love of my life.  I just don't see much reason to stay here other than my own fears about taking the plunge and just going or the financial issues with trying to move cross country.  Its a lot to think about over these next few months.  I wouldn't just up and go tomorrow.  I am giving myself 6 months to figure out whether it makes sense to stay here for at least another year or just go and try and start fresh.  

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2 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

I just wonder what is really keeping me here other than some family and a few friends.  Both my parents are gone and now the love of my life.  I just don't see much reason to stay here other than my own fears about taking the plunge and just going or the financial issues with trying to move cross country.  Its a lot to think about over these next few months.  I wouldn't just up and go tomorrow.  I am giving myself 6 months to figure out whether it makes sense to stay here for at least another year or just go and try and start fresh.  

Just listen to your heart, especially you are still young. I and my husband had a plan to move to other state in a few years.  Now he left me behind.  And I don’t want to move because every thing in here is full of memory.  I want to hold on it and don’t want to lose a bit.

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17 minutes ago, LoveD said:

Just listen to your heart, especially you are still young. I and my husband had a plan to move to other state in a few years.  Now he left me behind.  And I don’t want to move because every thing in here is full of memory.  I want to hold on it and don’t want to lose a bit.

I can totally understand that from your perspective.  I am very sorry for your loss and it makes sense why if you built a life in one spot for so long that you would want to preserve it.  It is not that we didn't build a life here, it is just that we were both so adamant about getting out of here.  I feel like she would want me to live that dream for us.  It was all we talked about and how much we looked forward to being someplace new together so we can finally realize the life we wanted.  I can't do that with her anymore and that also tears at my soul.  

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28 minutes ago, floyd11554 said:

I can totally understand that from your perspective.  I am very sorry for your loss and it makes sense why if you built a life in one spot for so long that you would want to preserve it.  It is not that we didn't build a life here, it is just that we were both so adamant about getting out of here.  I feel like she would want me to live that dream for us.  It was all we talked about and how much we looked forward to being someplace new together so we can finally realize the life we wanted.  I can't do that with her anymore and that also tears at my soul.  

I think your reasons are entirely valid. Give it some time and if things still feel right, then go ahead and relocate. Sometimes changing up things too quickly after such an event can make things a bit even more difficult. You don't need any added pressure now or any other problems to come your way. Try to keep things relax and simple.... at least for right now. In time, you will know what's best.... your heart will tell you.

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50 minutes ago, LoveD said:

Just listen to your heart, especially you are still young. I and my husband had a plan to move to other state in a few years.  Now he left me behind.  And I don’t want to move because every thing in here is full of memory.  I want to hold on it and don’t want to lose a bit.

I know exactly how you feel. My wife and I spent significant time and resources to build our home. She left right after we were finish with our final project. The timing was odd though I'm sure the universe would say it was meant to be. I did have thoughts about moving out of this house, or this town. I pondered it for some time but I've concluded that it was likely not the best thing for me to do. Likely not now, likely not for a LONG time. How could I go? We have so much memories here. Everything here is ours. It's a home we've created together. In the earlier days, it hurt like hell and coming home to it was the worse time each day. But I've gotten use to it. I almost feel like I have an obligation to preserve what we've created. It's ours. Now, I absolutely do not have any plans to leave. In fact, I don't want to. It kind of scares me too.... because as I carry on in my life, with however many decades I have left, things will change, and I may eventually run into a situation where I may not be able to be here. What do I do? Well, the only answer is wait until that time comes and I will find out.

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56 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I think your reasons are entirely valid. Give it some time and if things still feel right, then go ahead and relocate. Sometimes changing up things too quickly after such an event can make things a bit even more difficult. You don't need any added pressure now or any other problems to come your way. Try to keep things relax and simple.... at least for right now. In time, you will know what's best.... your heart will tell you.

I think you are right, that is one thing I am realizing.  I don't want to make any rash decision so soon.  I felt like I was supposed to figure out my life in such a quick manner but that is just not realistic and also naive of all the evolving emotions I am going to feel.  I am able to get through my day a little better now but at the same time I feel worse than I was two weeks ago especially at night.  I still think I am meant to leave here but I can't just jump into it blind.  I need more time to process things.  She would want me to do that and find whatever it was  and wherever it was I needed to be.

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On 29.1.2018 at 6:37 PM, Azipod said:

Things do change over time.   But you will also realize that there are SO MANY layers and depth to this grief. And you will evolve around a lot of them.  I've had feelings that I've never even thought my body could produce.  It is all so unimaginable.  Some are even so intense that I can't begin to describe it.    So as far as normalcy....  again, not really such thing in our world now.    When one area of your grief is improving, another part will take over. 

Couldn't agree more Azipod, layers of grief is a great way to describe it, sometimes I simultaneity move from one layer to another, it can feel so extreme the change of emotions, but I guess this is just how we manage to process it all. I believe our mind and body are trying to protect us, so we won't get it all at once. That would devastating.

I lost my man 7 and a half months ago, so I relate to a lot of what you are writing. We are in our 30s as well.

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, floyd11554 said:

I think you are right, that is one thing I am realizing.  I don't want to make any rash decision so soon.  I felt like I was supposed to figure out my life in such a quick manner but that is just not realistic and also naive of all the evolving emotions I am going to feel.  I am able to get through my day a little better now but at the same time I feel worse than I was two weeks ago especially at night.  I still think I am meant to leave here but I can't just jump into it blind.  I need more time to process things.  She would want me to do that and find whatever it was  and wherever it was I needed to be.

Floyd, I so sorry for your lost. It is so fresh, I understand your thoughts so much, your life has just crushed in front of you and you are looking for something to hold on to.

At my first months, some thoughts were so clear, about doing big changes, because I saw how fragile life could be, and there is no time to waist anymore. I decided to wait though, I realize now that first I need to process what happen and only then make a decision about my life.

I don't know if it the right thing to do for me or for anyone else, I just discovered that there are many layers to grief, as Azipod mentioned, and most of them we get to know only with time.

I live abroad, and I don't have much going for me here now without my man, but I know I can't run away as well, I need to deal with it all first.

 

 

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On 1/16/2018 at 3:47 AM, floyd11554 said:

Thank you for your kind words.  It is why I did finally post.  I read a bunch of threads beforehand so I knew how serious it was here.  It is the internet after all.  I can tell this forum is filled with real compassionate people who mean what they say and mean what has happened to them.  It is not easy opening up especially in the public sphere but I can tell everyone here is sincere and we can all heal together.  I am looking into local support groups as well so I can have people to talk to locally.  

Floyd,

Rant!  Scream!  You are absolutely in the right place.  You're right - we all have felt that awful loss.  But in this we ALL understand the need to let that stuff out.

I am SO sorry for your losses, both of your girlfriend and your parents.  I've lost both mine as well as my husband as well.  All to cancer.

Being angry is normal.  All of the feelings will come and go and come and go.  At least they do for me.

*hug* hang in there and take one day at a time.  Sounds cliche but it's the only thing I could do at first...and sometimes still is a year later.

 

 

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10 hours ago, Azipod said:

I think your reasons are entirely valid. Give it some time and if things still feel right, then go ahead and relocate. Sometimes changing up things too quickly after such an event can make things a bit even more difficult. You don't need any added pressure now or any other problems to come your way. Try to keep things relax and simple.... at least for right now. In time, you will know what's best.... your heart will tell you.

I agree.  Everyone is not the same and although most would say don't move the first year, sometimes every rule has an exception.  You will know your own heart, what is right for you, listen to it.  Just make sure the grief fog has lifted enough that you have some clarity of mind, and make sure you're not running from anything (not saying or intimating that you are, just sound advice for anyone under the circumstances).  You both were planning to move anyway, so it makes sense to carry it out.  We can surround ourselves with their things anyplace we are.

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15 hours ago, Cucciola said:

Floyd, I so sorry for your lost. It is so fresh, I understand your thoughts so much, your life has just crushed in front of you and you are looking for something to hold on to.

At my first months, some thoughts were so clear, about doing big changes, because I saw how fragile life could be, and there is no time to waist anymore. I decided to wait though, I realize now that first I need to process what happen and only then make a decision about my life.

I don't know if it the right thing to do for me or for anyone else, I just discovered that there are many layers to grief, as Azipod mentioned, and most of them we get to know only with time.

I live abroad, and I don't have much going for me here now without my man, but I know I can't run away as well, I need to deal with it all first.

 

 

I am leaning more towards waiting at this point at least till the summer to get more of my finances in order.  As much as I want to just up and run it doesn't make a lot of sense in some ways especially financial.   I think you made the right decision as well in waiting and dealing with things first.  I think I may follow suit with that and everyone's advice.  Are you intending to eventually leave where you are?  

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14 hours ago, Stonesie said:

Floyd,

Rant!  Scream!  You are absolutely in the right place.  You're right - we all have felt that awful loss.  But in this we ALL understand the need to let that stuff out.

I am SO sorry for your losses, both of your girlfriend and your parents.  I've lost both mine as well as my husband as well.  All to cancer.

Being angry is normal.  All of the feelings will come and go and come and go.  At least they do for me.

*hug* hang in there and take one day at a time.  Sounds cliche but it's the only thing I could do at first...and sometimes still is a year later.

 

 

Thank you for your words and I am so sorry for your losses as well.    Cancer is just awful in how many special people get taken from us.  My father was lost to cancer as well.   You just keep asking yourself why does everyone important have to be taken in life.  I am still struggling with that one.  Ranting and screaming has certainly not been a problem along with crying.  Not a day goes by right now where i don't spend a portion of it in tears.  The simplest thing just triggers me and sets me off.   Work has been a good distraction though since I went back on Monday.  Too busy there to think at least sometimes about anything other than work and they are like a second family which has also been helpful.   

And I appreciate any and all hugs right now.  One day at a time may be cliche but its cliche cause its true.  

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21 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

I think you are right, that is one thing I am realizing.  I don't want to make any rash decision so soon.  I felt like I was supposed to figure out my life in such a quick manner but that is just not realistic and also naive of all the evolving emotions I am going to feel.  I am able to get through my day a little better now but at the same time I feel worse than I was two weeks ago especially at night.  I still think I am meant to leave here but I can't just jump into it blind.  I need more time to process things.  She would want me to do that and find whatever it was  and wherever it was I needed to be.

Hi Flloyd.  It does take some time for things to cycle through.  Believe it or not, I was actually doing pretty well (considering the circumstances) for the first few weeks. Then, it started to pick up BAD at about the 3.5-week part and went on for several months.   Very early on, I participated in a grief overview presentation and there was one part where it said "You will feel worse because you are getting better."  I didn't understand this at that time.  But as I went through the weeks and months, I finally realized that it was an emphasis on the cycle of grief.... about how cyclical it is.  You will have your ups and downs.  When you're suddenly feeling good, then all of a sudden things tumble.   You're going through those ups/downs.   So things will take a while before you get a good feel about yourself.    At the end of each month, I think that I've seen it all and that things will be fine.   Little did I know that in the next month, the grief will become "more advance" and through another layer I go through.    It's not that the grief gets worse if you look at the month to month picture, but it gets more advance and you get more deep into it.  Things are more real, the feelings are more intense, and the experiences are more profound.

I think its a great idea for you to wait a short time.  As you process things you will feel how things shift and change.   I noticed that you are quite expressive for a male (like me).  Have you tried any grief support groups?   You may be able to benefit from this and other grievers will benefit as well.  You will be a good add to the group.

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11 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Hi Flloyd.  It does take some time for things to cycle through.  Believe it or not, I was actually doing pretty well (considering the circumstances) for the first few weeks. Then, it started to pick up BAD at about the 3.5-week part and went on for several months.   Very early on, I participated in a grief overview presentation and there was one part where it said "You will feel worse because you are getting better."  I didn't understand this at that time.  But as I went through the weeks and months, I finally realized that it was an emphasis on the cycle of grief.... about how cyclical it is.  You will have your ups and downs.  When you're suddenly feeling good, then all of a sudden things tumble.   You're going through those ups/downs.   So things will take a while before you get a good feel about yourself.    At the end of each month, I think that I've seen it all and that things will be fine.   Little did I know that in the next month, the grief will become "more advance" and through another layer I go through.    It's not that the grief gets worse if you look at the month to month picture, but it gets more advance and you get more deep into it.  Things are more real, the feelings are more intense, and the experiences are more profound.

I think its a great idea for you to wait a short time.  As you process things you will feel how things shift and change.   I noticed that you are quite expressive for a male (like me).  Have you tried any grief support groups?   You may be able to benefit from this and other grievers will benefit as well.  You will be a good add to the group.

You sum things up really well and I appreciate your advice tremendously.  It will be 4 weeks tomorrow and while I feel I am able to function more in society than I did say two weeks ago, I feel worse on the inside.  Maybe I have just become better at putting up a disguise around others.  

I have been meaning to contact a local support group but just haven't pulled the trigger.  While this forum is of great help I would like to have some people locally that I can share with on a more personable level.  I did look it up but didn't find too many options for my area.  I also don't want to find a group that is too religiously.  It just wouldn't work for me.  I'm not saying it can't ever come up but I don't want a group that would be centered on how god would help me right now cause that is not the way I feel now or have ever felt.  I have never been one to shy away from opening up and speaking my mind about how I feel about anything.  That certainly has its pros and cons at times.  

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Floyd the rawness of a loss ..my heart goes out to you.  This is such new territory to me that I can only share that I understand the intensity of the pain.  The intensity of the loss.  We try to continue life but it is a life so foreign to us.  I try to move an inch each day.  I try to accomplish a task to keep my head above water if just for a moment. I don't know how but we make it through the moment.  The shock you experienced is overwhelming.  I've experienced the same shock.  One second you are talking to them and within moments life as you knew it is ripped away.  I find myself in thoughts where "If only I did this...If only I did that."  I'm trying to understand I don't have that power to prevent such a loss.   We just keep moving.  We move through the pain.  Floyd I understand.  Don't ever dismiss your feelings of your loss.  Your loss and the pain is real!  Don't ever let anyone else dismiss your loss.  There will be people that will be able to walk with you on this journey.  They will be able to face the grief with you and not run.  These people will show.  Be open to them.  Be able to reach out and ask for what you need at that moment.  Sometimes it helps just knowing what someone is doing on that given day.  It helps keep me aware of some level of normalcy when I hear that they are just watching TV or reading a book.  It doesn't help being around anyone who just goes on how great life is.  How great their life is.   That is not what we are feeling.  Our lives are shattered.  Our hearts are deeply broken.  Floyd there are seconds where you do feel "normal."  Only seconds but the seconds add up to minutes....you will feel this....at some point.  I'm only 4 months into this.  We are with you!!!!!  

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Floyd,  You might want to start looking whenever you have some down time.  From my own personal experience, the ones that are most helpful are NOT the informal weekly (or so) drop in ones that are open to everyone. These groups are most common but they also invite EVERY type of loss .... loss of parent, sibling, friends, etc.   While there are benefits for these general groups as well, what you really want to focus on is finding a group that's specific for partner loss.   Most of these specific-groups run for a limited duration from time to time.  They are not drop ins and they are like short weekly 8-10 week sessions.  I would encourage you to try looking up these starting now because a group could be starting at any time.  And if you miss it, you may have to wait 6-months for another session to run.   I'm also with you about being non-religous.    I've been to some general support groups which takes place at churches who have opened up their services to the public.... and they do not push beliefs in god or anything else.    The 2 partner loss specific group that i've been a part of takes place at medical facilities (hospice and bereavement centers).  They do not push any sort of religious beliefs.   Hang in there buddy!

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10 hours ago, KayC said:

Floyd,

Have you looked up Griefshare in your area?

I haven't but I will definitely look them up and thank you for the suggestion. 

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

Floyd,  You might want to start looking whenever you have some down time.  From my own personal experience, the ones that are most helpful are NOT the informal weekly (or so) drop in ones that are open to everyone. These groups are most common but they also invite EVERY type of loss .... loss of parent, sibling, friends, etc.   While there are benefits for these general groups as well, what you really want to focus on is finding a group that's specific for partner loss.   Most of these specific-groups run for a limited duration from time to time.  They are not drop ins and they are like short weekly 8-10 week sessions.  I would encourage you to try looking up these starting now because a group could be starting at any time.  And if you miss it, you may have to wait 6-months for another session to run.   I'm also with you about being non-religous.    I've been to some general support groups which takes place at churches who have opened up their services to the public.... and they do not push beliefs in god or anything else.    The 2 partner loss specific group that i've been a part of takes place at medical facilities (hospice and bereavement centers).  They do not push any sort of religious beliefs.   Hang in there buddy!

That is terrific advice and thank you.  That is a very good point about the informal ones might not necessarily being the best options.  I do want like minded people similar in age who have suffered a similar loss to be able to share with.   I have a link bookmarked for a hospice center that offers that I have been planning to reach out to and just haven't yet pulled the trigger.  Another good point about if it is being housed in a church doesn't necessarily mean the issue of god will be pushed.  I have a friend who is going to forward some links to me as well.  Hopefully I can find it in me to reach out next week.  

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On 01/02/2018 at 11:19 PM, floyd11554 said:

I am leaning more towards waiting at this point at least till the summer to get more of my finances in order.  As much as I want to just up and run it doesn't make a lot of sense in some ways especially financial.   I think you made the right decision as well in waiting and dealing with things first.  I think I may follow suit with that and everyone's advice.  Are you intending to eventually leave where you are?  

I wish I had answers, it doesn't make any sense in staying, being far from my family, being so alone here without him. 

But I don't want to move away from our world, I live him every day, I feel so close to him here. I can't imagine being far away, close our entire life in a box and go to live a new one.

My mind and my heart want different things.

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