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1 year anniversary of the (traumatic) death of my mom


Sweetisabelle

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Sweetisabelle

**my thoughts are all over the place, sorry this post is so disorganized. 

The 1 year date is coming up soon, and with acknowledging that I’ve been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions.

At times I still catch myself thinking “how the heck could this have happened, how can see be gone?!”. I can’t believe it has almost been a year. I can’t believe it’s been that long since I saw my moms smile, and heard her laugh. I can’t believe it’s been that long since I heard her voice. To acknowledge how long she has been gone makes me feel sick to my stomach...I feel like I’ve barely survived the past year. How many more years do I have to endure without my mommy? I’m only 25. I shouldn’t have to spread two thirds of my life or more without my mom. 

As this time of year has come around I’ve been experiencing unexpexted triggers. The other day when coming home from school we were getting a lot of snow, and it was dark out early and the roads were slippery etc. I suddenly lost it, started sobbing, and felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I didn’t put it together until later, but I think that all these external factors (like the season/weather) reminded me of the time of year I lost my mom.

The day after I broke down at the dinner table because I started to have flashbacks again of seeing my mom die. It is pure horror, and despair... my heartbreaks. This has been happening over and over. 

Then last night I had a nightmare that I was dieing of a pulmonary embolism (that’s part of what happened to my mom/what caused her death). It was an awful feeling, to not be able to do anything, for no one to be able to help, to literally be suffocating to an extent. I often wonder and agonize what my poor moms last moments were like. It’s just not fare that she had to go through that. I wish I could have done something, I wish I could have helped her, I wish I could have saved her, or at the very least provide some comfort during those moments. 

With one year coming up I wanted to be able to celebrate my moms life and not focus on her death. But how can I when these things keep coming to my mind? I don’t know how I’m doing to deal with February 9th and the days leading up to it. I don’t know what to do on the actual day. Even if it’s hard I feel like I need to do something to honour my mom, but I don’t know how. 

Im also worries as I don’t know if I’m going to be able to go to class that day, or to write my midterm the day before. My mind is already a mess. Idk why I didn’t expect this.

Does anyone have any advice about what to do on a one year anniversary? I know it’s going to be very hard for me to focus on my moms life instead of her death but I do need to try. She deserves to be remembered for the wonderful woman she was. 

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Dear Sweetasabelle,

Thinking of you. I know the time leading up to the one year anniversary is very hard.

For myself, I brought flowers and my dad's favorite coffee to his gravesite.  I also donated some money to my dad's favorite charity.  Please don't be hard on yourself. There are many different ways to honor our parents. From a quiet day at home thinking of them, writing about them to going out and doing one of their favorite activities. There is no right way or wrong way.

I'm so sorry I know its not easy. I too have these flashbacks and find it hard to cope with. Over the course of year I have tried almost everything from counselling, grief support, art classes, journaling, reading, talking, writing and being around supportive people. It takes a long time for the raw emotions to lessen.

I will be thinking of you and your family on Feb. 9th. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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Dear sweetisabelle,

Its almost one year for me too.  In just over a week.  I wrote on another post about the one year anniversary.  Why is it so hard?  Our mothers are gone now, yesterday, tomorrow and the day after the one year.  Nothing has changed.  Still gone.  Yet I too still have flash backs to last year and everything that happened leading up to her death.  For me I don’t even live in the same country so I will be going back for the memorial so it’s even more painful.  Arriving in the country, not going to mom’s house.  Staying elsewhere.  I started having migraines last week when I never had them before.  Panic, heart races when I wake up.  Every day I think how did a year go by?  What has changed?  Nothing.  It’s not less painful.  It’s less raw but not less painful.  I agree with reader, honor her however you want.  It’s going to be stressful and painful and we just have to accept that.  Do what’s right for you on the day.  So sorry for your loss.  Nothing replaces a mother’s love.

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