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Lost my mother and feel so alone


kmmouse

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I know this isn't new... or different really. My mom passed a little over a month ago, lived with me so this has been really hard. 5 months ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer.... had always been very healthy and semi active. I spent as much time as I could at the hospital with her. After the first chemo treatment, which caused some major problems with her health she just gave up and I have so much guilt with things she experienced. I pushed her to fight the cancer, fight for everything she had.... after 3 months in the hospital and a some major complications - she entered rehab (things where looking better). Again I pushed her to gain her strength to come home... but instead she continued to give up and told me she was going to commit suicide. This was 1 week before she passed..... I know I didn't cause the cancer but I think I may have pushed her to much. The guilt is almost over whelming!

I feel guilty about not being able to do enough for her.... guilty for not being able to bring her home, guilty for her anger she felt after the chemo

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I know this isn't new... or different really. My mom passed a little over a month ago, lived with me so this has been really hard. 5 months ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer.... had always been very healthy and semi active. I spent as much time as I could at the hospital with her. After the first chemo treatment, which caused some major problems with her health she just gave up and I have so much guilt with things she experienced. I pushed her to fight the cancer, fight for everything she had.... after 3 months in the hospital and a some major complications - she entered rehab (things where looking better). Again I pushed her to gain her strength to come home... but instead she continued to give up and told me she was going to commit suicide. This was 1 week before she passed..... I know I didn't cause the cancer but I think I may have pushed her to much. The guilt is almost over whelming!

I feel guilty about not being able to do enough for her.... guilty for not being able to bring her home, guilty for her anger she felt after the chemo

Oh Kmmouse,

You didn't push her too hard. Please don't feel guilty. You LOVE her. You wanted her to get better. There is nothing wrong with that.

I know you feel bad and guilty, but you didn't push her too hard. The last week before my father died, he was not himself. He was mean, for the first time EVER. We knew it wasn't really him talking. Your mother was fighting a tough battle. She did the best she could, and so did you. There are numerous reasons she may have mentioned suicide, none of which were your fault. Was she on lots of meds? Was she in pain?

Really--you have nothing to be guilty of. You've done nothing wrong. You did the very best you could have for her.

I am so very sorry for your loss, but you have certainly come to the right place. Please feel free to come here often. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

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Oh Kmmouse,

You didn't push her too hard. Please don't feel guilty. You LOVE her. You wanted her to get better. There is nothing wrong with that.

I know you feel bad and guilty, but you didn't push her too hard. The last week before my father died, he was not himself. He was mean, for the first time EVER. We knew it wasn't really him talking. Your mother was fighting a tough battle. She did the best she could, and so did you. There are numerous reasons she may have mentioned suicide, none of which were your fault. Was she on lots of meds? Was she in pain?

Really--you have nothing to be guilty of. You've done nothing wrong. You did the very best you could have for her.

I am so very sorry for your loss, but you have certainly come to the right place. Please feel free to come here often. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

I hear what you’re saying... and have tried not to feel guilty. Yes she was in pain and on tons of meds. She had developed this rare blood disorder called TTP (Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura) which I know caused her to be delusional at times. I've been trying to remember the good times... but my mind keep going back to how angry she was at me during this process and how much pain she was in. It’s really over whelming!

Right after she passed.... sure I was in pain about it, a few weeks passed and I thought I had a grip on my emotions, but now it’s over whelming again. I can't stop thinking about all the things I may have done wrong... that maybe I let her down in some way. Everything is so final... :( Makes me feel so alone - I've lost my mom and my best friend. No one around me has lost this much.... so when talking to them they just don't understand exactly how I feel. It’s frustrating my husband - he feels like he can relate but his mom is still alive and he hasn't experienced the same type of loss. Maybe in some way I'm being unfair to him... just can't help the way I feel right now.

I am thankful I found this site... hoping sharing this with others who have experienced this type of loss will help!! Thanks you ModKonnie

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I hear what you’re saying... and have tried not to feel guilty. Yes she was in pain and on tons of meds. She had developed this rare blood disorder called TTP (Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura) which I know caused her to be delusional at times. I've been trying to remember the good times... but my mind keep going back to how angry she was at me during this process and how much pain she was in. It’s really over whelming!

Right after she passed.... sure I was in pain about it, a few weeks passed and I thought I had a grip on my emotions, but now it’s over whelming again. I can't stop thinking about all the things I may have done wrong... that maybe I let her down in some way. Everything is so final... :( Makes me feel so alone - I've lost my mom and my best friend. No one around me has lost this much.... so when talking to them they just don't understand exactly how I feel. It’s frustrating my husband - he feels like he can relate but his mom is still alive and he hasn't experienced the same type of loss. Maybe in some way I'm being unfair to him... just can't help the way I feel right now.

I am thankful I found this site... hoping sharing this with others who have experienced this type of loss will help!! Thanks you ModKonnie

My father became delusional and SCREAMED at all of us. He accused us of stealing his wallet, sneaking in and taking his things, and just was awful. He wouldn't let my mother near him--and he loved her dearly for 54 years. He was angry at the world and kept saying we just wanted him to die.

But that wasn't my real father. Normally, he never hollered, never screamed, and was rarely angry. He was a wonderful kind-hearted and gentle soul. He was just so drugged up and in such pain that he was out of his head. We all knew that. He couldn't help it; he didn't want to die, he was freaked out, miserable and was no longer himself. Unfortunately, your mother was probably in a similar condition. So, please, try to put your anguish behind you. There is nothing you really could have done any better. You were there for her. You did everything you could. Had there been anything else you could have done to ease her pain, cure her or help her, you would have done it.

My husband was very angry at me when his mother died. He kept telling me there was no way I could understand. I didn't understand. I understood somewhat when my father died. My husband actually became jealous that my mother is alive. He doesn't want to be around my mom. (His mother died in our home three years ago this coming Tuesday). I'm trying to understand his jealousy, but it is hard....

So, just know, you are experiencing normal things, and you are not alone. We are here for you.

ModKonnie

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My mom too was very angry the last month she was alive.She was usually my best friend and we did everything together,but that last month(I had no idea she was dying)she was mean to me on the phone-which wasn't like her at all.She stopped calling me and when I called her she would only talk to me for a few mins.and say she had to go.When she wouldn't come out with me and told me not to visit her I took it so personally and cried saying"I miss you,you're my best friend."She said "Well than find a new friend."I was so hurt.What I didn't know was that that is part of the dying process,isolating yourself from friends and loved ones,and that is exactly what my mom did.I now know that she knew deep down that she was dying.She was angry at the world.I know if I could just talk to her one more time she would apologize and feel so bad for the way she was towards me that last month.

Konnie-I understand how your husband feels.I now find myself very envious of my friends who still have their moms.When they talk about all the things they are doing with their moms I just want to cry.I try not to be jealous of them,but I just can't help it,I would do anything to be able to still have my mom in my life. :(

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My mom too was very angry the last month she was alive.She was usually my best friend and we did everything together,but that last month(I had no idea she was dying)she was mean to me on the phone-which wasn't like her at all.She stopped calling me and when I called her she would only talk to me for a few mins.and say she had to go.When she wouldn't come out with me and told me not to visit her I took it so personally and cried saying"I miss you,you're my best friend."She said "Well than find a new friend."I was so hurt.What I didn't know was that that is part of the dying process,isolating yourself from friends and loved ones,and that is exactly what my mom did.I now know that she knew deep down that she was dying.She was angry at the world.I know if I could just talk to her one more time she would apologize and feel so bad for the way she was towards me that last month.

Konnie-I understand how your husband feels.I now find myself very envious of my friends who still have their moms.When they talk about all the things they are doing with their moms I just want to cry.I try not to be jealous of them,but I just can't help it,I would do anything to be able to still have my mom in my life. :(

I know he is just in anguish, but it is difficult at times to get through when you are on the receiving end. I try to remember how he feels when he is griping about my mother. I totally understand how a person can feel that way. I've read that it is a perfectly normal thing to go through. I am so sorry anyone has to go through it, you know?

ModKonnie

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Your friends are there for you, they just don't know how to ask or if they should ask, don't be frustrated if they don't understand because I don't think anyone ever will understand. Everyones loss and grief is so very unique to that individual.

What I dislike is that I can get on normally, but suddenly at the drop of a hat I would be overwhelmed with a sense of despair and loneliness.

My friends don't understand, I don't expect them to, to be honest I don't even talk to them about it from the fear of droning on or frustrating them by repeating my feelings.

Being a man, I have a stupid macho sense of pride that stops me from expressing how I feel! I struggle to understand how to explain it to myself even!

I know it's hard to not beat yourself up over what you could have done or said to make your mum feel better but I assure you, even though I don't know you or your mum. She would not want you to, at all.

I try to get on with things by doing what my dad might have wanted me to do, it's hard, but it's better than the alternatives. Your mum would hate it if she knew you were feeling guilty and beating yourself up, she might even be angry with you for it!!

You have a husband who is there for you, he may not understand or he might even do, empathy is a powerful feeling.

Take care of yourself.

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I lost my mother on September 6, 2010 and know how you feel. I feel so alone. My mother and I used to talk on the phone ALOT during the day and now I often look at the phone and wish she was calling me. The day she died I lost my best friend.

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Thanks for the replies everyone!

I have really been trying to coupe on my own. My husband and I have been battling about little things and it’s seems to be getting harder and harder to deal with. When I think I have my emotions under control its hits me like a brick wall again. My mom lived with me so all of her things are still around me... in some ways I wish they weren't and in other ways it’s still comfy to see them. I hate the thought of packing her stuff up. It kills me... I miss her so much.

Seems like my friends are getting sick of hearing me moan about how I feel and want me to be able to move on which I’m having issues doing. Deep down inside I know my mom wouldn’t want me to feel like this…. But on the other hand I still think I let her down. You say I did all I could… but did I really? She was always there for me when I was sick… and sure I visited her daily in the hospital. She begged me to bring her home… at the time I couldn’t figure out how to work that out. Maybe I should have done more to bring her home… maybe there was a way and I didn’t try hard enough? The guilt is so hard to deal with…. It’s been 2 months now and I don’t feel any different.. L

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Thanks for the replies everyone!

I have really been trying to coupe on my own. My husband and I have been battling about little things and it’s seems to be getting harder and harder to deal with. When I think I have my emotions under control its hits me like a brick wall again. My mom lived with me so all of her things are still around me... in some ways I wish they weren't and in other ways it’s still comfy to see them. I hate the thought of packing her stuff up. It kills me... I miss her so much.

Seems like my friends are getting sick of hearing me moan about how I feel and want me to be able to move on which I’m having issues doing. Deep down inside I know my mom wouldn’t want me to feel like this…. But on the other hand I still think I let her down. You say I did all I could… but did I really? She was always there for me when I was sick… and sure I visited her daily in the hospital. She begged me to bring her home… at the time I couldn’t figure out how to work that out. Maybe I should have done more to bring her home… maybe there was a way and I didn’t try hard enough? The guilt is so hard to deal with…. It’s been 2 months now and I don’t feel any different.. L

You did do everything you could, so really, you need to stop second-guessing yourself. If you could have brought her home, then you would have, and that wouldn't have changed the outcome of the situation, now would it? Honestly, you sound like a terrific daughter. I love my mom with all my heart, but I'm not sure I could live with her, and we brought my dad home to die and it was so awful that at times we kept thinking maybe it was the wrong thing to do. I also kept my mother-in-law at my house while she died, and I'm not sure it was the best thing. I sometimes wonder if I could have done more or been more patient with her, but it was very difficult to deal with, so I've had to just believe we did what we thought was best.

As far as your friends--Wow! Two months is nothing in the grieving process, especially for your mother. Hopefully they will be more understanding if you explain to them that nobody "moves on" after such a profound loss, you just move forward.

So honestly, I wouldn't pack any of her stuff up until you are ready. My mother just packed my dad's stuff and he has been gone for a little over a year. She just wasn't ready any earlier.

I hope to hear from you soon. Please hang in there, you are doing okay.

ModKonnie

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