Unable to properly think through my dads death

[Hills]

I was carer for both my parents. I was with my mum till her last breath in 2013. And with my dad till a minute before his last breath in june 2017. I left the room to call my brother and he died.  In between then i was also with my sister as she had her machine turned off after a surgical mishap.  I also lost my best friend to suicide and found someone who had just attempted suicide and i had to do cpr but a few days later his machine was turned off and he died.  I mention this to explain ive been exposed to death of varying kinds and am not new to working through loss. The grief was different with each event but with my dad i have a lot of pain guilt sadness and distress that i can't seem to work through.  2 parts to it.

I feel strongly that i failed him in his last few years. I was not able to be a good enough support for him.  I was burned out and stressed and felt i had not choices or support and he suffered because of this.  He suffered because he had horrible illnesses that were difficult to manage and left him without dignity, independence, hope, joy.  And he suffered because even a perfect person would have struggled to meet his needs and i wasnt perfect.  The guilt and sadness about it is horrible.  I cant remember my dad properly because all i see is his last few years and a thousand ways it was awful.  

The other equally painful part is his death.  He suffered.  Its horrible in and of itself that he suffered.  But i couldnt help him, i let him down.  His last words were that he was scared, and he was in sheer panic and suffering.  How do i possibly move past it. 

I let gim down in so many ways and i have not detailed exactly how because it hurts too much.  This is the most i have said about it in the 6 months since he passed. Ive said this before to my adult daughter my friend and my partner. They all console me and tell me i didnt let him down but i know i did and i cant get his suffering out of my mind and replace with the wonderful man he was  thanks for reading.

[tessa]

Hi Hills,
Forgive yourself.
You couldn't have done anymore than you did. You were burned out and stressed. Your father's condition was more than anyone could handle. You did your best.
Guilt is part of the grieving process and I too have guilt over not doing more for my parents in their final years. But guilt serves no purpose.
Do you pray or meditate? You could do a private ceremony on your own and ask for your father's forgiveness. Speak to him as if he was there with you and ask for forgiveness.
Or you could forgive yourself. Before you sleep each night tell yourself "I forgive myself". Do that for however long, nights, months, years, whatever.
Have you seen a therapist/counsellor? It may be helpful to talk it out with a counsellor. Sometimes we just need to tell someone to get it out of our head.
You're a good person. You cared for your mother, father and sister. Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself.

[reader]

Dear Hills,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for all the losses you have gone through. I know its very hard and almost unimaginable for all this happen so close together.

I hear you. Sending you love and hugs. Like Tessa said try and be kind to yourself. I know you loved both your parents very much and did the very best you could. I know its a lot easier said than done, but try and be gentle with yourself now.

Part of grief is replaying and going over every detail. We all do this because our minds and bodies are struggling with our loss. You sound like a very kind, dedicated and loving person. I know we are the type of people to give ourselves zero room for mistakes. But we are human. Someone said to me, you could not have saved your dad on your own. I wanted to so badly, I really did. I was not prepared for the day when I would not have a dad on this earth.

It took me almost a year for the feelings and thoughts to lessen in intensity. I am trying to honor my dad. I have done some role playing in therapy to tell my dad how sorry I was for not doing more for him. Part of me is stubborn and I didn't want to let go, but I know I can't live in the past either.

Please know we are all here to listen and support each other.

Thinking of you Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[Hills]

 Thank you both for your replies and the ideas. I will think through ways to practice forgiving myself x

[sadandlost]

Dear Hills,

I am so sorry for your loss.  You've gone through so much loss.  I also believe that guilt is part of the grieving process.  I learnt that here because most of us go through it and talk about it here.  My mother had dementia.  It was devastating how quickly things changed from forgetfulness to not being able to care for herself.  It seemed to happen so fast.  I did the best I could but I still feel it wasn't enough.  I grieved the loss of our relationship before she died and then the loss of her when she died.  I try to remember what she used to be like but it all seems like a dream.  Its very hard.  I still replay what I should have done sooner.  

I'm sorry its so hard for you but reader and Tessa are right,  although I think there may be nothing to forgive because you did the best you could in a very challenging situation.

[Dgiirl]

18 hours ago, Hills said:

 Thank you both for your replies and the ideas. I will think through ways to practice forgiving myself x

Hills, my deepest condolences on your loss.  Watching a loved one pass is difficult enough.  Ten times fold, when they are scared and suffering and you have no power to change things.

As for the guilt, ask yourself honestly, if it was your daughter or a close friend in your shoes, and they told you the story you just told us, what would you honestly think?  Would you think they let their loved one down?  Would you think they did absolutely everything they could, considering the circumstances?  If you would think any differently about the situation if it was someone else telling the story, reflect on why?  Very often, our internal voices are so much crueler on ourselves than we are on other people.  If you wouldn't believe it about other people, then you shouldn't believe it about yourself.  However, if you would still think the same, despite the person telling the story, then what can you learn from the situation to make it better?  A positive change can always come out of a negative, making the negative have meaning and purpose.

Based on what you have shared with us, I can tell you are a kind and loving person.  You've gone through quite a bit of difficult loss which shows how strong you are.  Give yourself some of that kindness and strength.