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Regret euthanizing my beloved companion of 22.5 years


MyMocha

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I've never seen memory boxes before, they're beautiful!  I love the ones you've chosen and I agree with the wood matching her fur.  So hard!  I hope having the ashes with you is a comfort to you.

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Well only a small comfort.  At least I have her back home and I hug her Memory Box and rub it and talk to it.  Kinda silly but it's what I have to get through the day at the moment. 

I had written a review about the Serenity Pet Cremation place...mostly good and complimentary where it needed to be but I did mention that they never posted Mocha's tribute - even though I called 3 times about it - and her Memory Box photo cover was all scratched up and dingy looking. (I plan to order a glass photo cover to replace it), oh and they didn't even order the special memory box for 4 days after our private cremation which obviously delayed having her remains returned.  I truly felt it should have been ordered the day we paid for it.  Well anyway, the General Manager called me almost immediately and said the Tribute was missed due to an oversight and had been posted (i am grateful but it still made me sad there was yet another "oversight" regarding my precious friend), and that they were going to make the Memory Box vendor send a replacement photo cover that was scratch  free. So i thought that was nice that they didn't just ignore it.  I still only gave them 4 out of 5 stars though and i think that is fair.

I keep wanting to write a review regarding the "vet" we seen on Mocha's last day.  The one who didn't put any effort into our case other than expelling his own breath. But I just can't find the words to express how his laziness and lack of attention has impacted my life and took away someone so special to me.  Yes I know at 22.5 years old it was "any minute now" that literally anything could have happened to her.  But knowing how vibrant she was even at that age makes accepting it very difficult especially since his "diagnosis" was actually wrong.  Anyway, I know i need to move on. This is just my space to be sad and miss my friend.

I have read others posts who are still struggling with losing their pets, even after months, and I just want to shout out to them that I am here for you and I understand.  Lots of hugs.

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@MyMocha what a lovely memory box and what a lovely picture of beautiful Mocha. 22.5 years is really amazing, the most I've had one is for 17 years. She did exceptionally well, I have not known many cats live anywhere near as long, especially being as active as she was. Sorry, it's so hard to know what to say. I feel much better but your pic of Mocha's memory box brought me to tears, I think I said before I've had two with individual cremations but no more, the boxes make me sad rather than give me comfort but I never had anything like what you have and I hope it does comfort you, as much as it can.

Such a tough time losing a precious friend isn't it. You go along feeling okay then something hits you from nowhere. I still hear Bertie when I come in the door, he would look up from sleeping on my seat on the sofa (typical!) and jump off with such enthusiasm / greed, no matter what the time. We are adjusting to the smaller family but there will always be a gap, just like the gap left from the others. Each one is unique and has a very special place in my heart. 

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I hope you get the scratch-free photo soon.  I'm glad the office mgr called you.  The place that did such a disservice to my King George was abominable, it's been 11 1/2 years and I've never gotten over it.  They caused him an extra month of horrendous suffering because they misdiagnosed him, mainly because they didn't examine him fully but charged exorbitant prices, they wouldn't let me come back to the exam room because they didn't want me to see that they actually just put him in a room and left him alone rather than doing their job.  I'll tell everyone I know what they did to try to spare them the same grief.  My cat deserved better.  And even though he was 19, that didn't mean he should have had to suffer needlessly.

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Beautiful photo and memory box. @MyMocha, I understand. Being haunted by any loose end - in this case the vet not getting it right and rushing you to make a decision, all of it is very very painful. I like to give people hope and not depress anyone but for me - the first couple of months were awful. And you are still so "new" to your loss. :( If there is one thing I have seen over the last 5+ months of this is, nothing heals except time. I battled through sadness and grief and a literal heartache. Then I spent a month regretful. Then for a while I was furious with anger. I've been through it all. I am emotionally exhausted and though I am still very sad there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know in time it's acceptance because there is nothing left but that.   

 

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@Jencatlover, I am glad you are feeling better. Grieving makes a day so tough to get through.  Being here among others really is helpful. Don't be sorry for not knowing some magic phrase to make it all better.  We all know there isn't one.  Just being understood is the best we can hope for while we get through our difficult transitions.  I think some of the reason I am having so much trouble is that I have been tortured over writing my review and wanting it to not seem like an emotional rant when I post it. i have seen those and I don't think it comes across quite as well as being able to write it when it is more of an assessment of a wrongdoing.  If that made sense.  I have finally written and posted it today. I will Paste it below if anyone wants to read it. It is long though as I just had too much to say i guess.  The memory box is really bittersweet.  I am glad to have that physical symbol of her but it is still very painful. I didn't find any "resting place" ideas all that inviting.  Burying her in the ground to slowly decay, doing the aqua cremation (they put them in a vat of water and chemicals that speed up the process)...Mocha hated water! And cremation via incineration.  None of those seem suitable for such a beautiful creature.

As for them being gone just "hitting you out of nowhere"...oh man yes very true.  Having my other 2 kitties and my dog Belle hasn't really changed how much I grieve for Mocha.  She was just unique to me and time is the only thing.  But when I start sobbing over her I have noticed one of my others will come over and investigate, lol.  So there's that i guess. ;)

@KayC, yes they have asked me to come and pick up the new photo cover.  I hope to get there early next week.  I think they got on top of things quickly and it was appreciated. As for your experience with what happened to your King George...that is horrific and awful.  It's something that really seems to stick to you as well, when you know your beloved was wronged in the end and just did not deserve it. It's haunting really. I wake up in the middle of the night and it's already in my mind as if on auto-play or something. I finally wrote my review so maybe that aspect of things will start to fade.  It is so incredibly frustrating when an aged pet is condemned simply because it's aged.  I have went through that many times with my Mocha.  I typically responded with "age itself isn't a disease".  pfft.

@AJWCat, i have been reading your posts on everyone's losses and you are always so supportive.  I can tell you still have pain from your loss of Courage(i think that was the name). Such an unexpected loss and I am sure that adds a lot to the grief.  We just get that unique relationship with our special companion and it is unbreakable it seems.  I am not sure it always occurs but maybe it does and it's just a different bond.  Give it time with your new little furry friend, at some point a bond may establish.  It won't be what you had with your lost kitty, but it will have it's own unique character.  I hope that for you anyway.  I have 2 other kitties, one around 7 the other around 5 (we self- rescued them so not exactly sure) and although i love both of them and would be sad if anything happened it just isn't like me and Mocha, not even close.  BUT i had Mocha 22+ years so...  I do truly feel your pain when I read your posts dear.  I understand it too so your not alone.  I expect that I too will still feel unbelievable sadness in the months that come.  Mocha's last night I had to make her fast to do blood work the next morning.  I nibbled on a slice of cheese and she came to me wanting a bite.  I told her no. I would give anything to be able to go back and give her that dang piece of cheese! Among so many other different decisions.  Hugs.

So I mentioned that I had finally written my review and I posted it below if anyone is super bored and wants to read it.  It was hard to write and I tried to not sound like I was on an angry rant.     ***My Review of the "vet"***

I have delayed writing this review because of how broken i am over what happened to my precious companion and friend. This review is specifically about Bob. As clients of this hospital for the last several years with 4 pets in total we have had many, many visits. Mostly with Mocha who was a patient of Dr. Steve, although she had seen Bob a few times. Her last day of life was unfortunately one of those times. It's unfortunate because my Mocha had an episode the night before and I had called during off-hours and discovered Bob was the on-call "vet". He returned my message and after going over her symptoms he stated he was at a basketball game and he couldn't help her using the after hours clinic but he did advise that if she worsened to take her to Emergency and he would see her in the morning if things remained unchanged. So I waited until the next day to get her in first available appointment and since her symptoms did not worsen - actually had slight improvement - I felt we would be ok. I took her in for blood work to see what was happening and it was discussed previously that because she had to be sedated for blood work, if it came back bad it was suggested to not let her wake up from the sedation. So as Mocha - sedated still - and I waited in the exam room, Bob comes in with the blood work results saying "oh her kidneys are gone". This was based on a test called SDMA. She had a result of 36ug/dl. I mentioned to him that her symptoms and behavior just seemed so contradictory to end stage renal failure because she was drinking, using the litter box, and wanting to eat. He chose to not consider that evidence saying further that her sdma result was "the highest he has ever seen...she maybe has a day or two....it was going to be really painful for her." And because I trusted him I let him euthanize my precious friend out of fear that she would suffer - like he said. After 22 years it would have been painful to say goodbye to my long time friend under any circumstances but you can not possibly imagine my horror - absolute horror - when I found out that all that SDMA test result showed was that she had stage 2-3 kidney disease (which would have needed to have a complete urinalysis to confirm per idexx protocol). Which is also the same kidney function she has had for the last 6+ years unchanged. Bob would have known that had he have bothered to look in her chart. He might have also noticed that she was taken off insulin in 2015. Which may have accounted for her actual symptoms that I had reported. Along with the results of the blood work that showed borderline diabetes (like 1 point from high and he even noted the glucose level). The fact that she had elevated WBC and BUN and low platelets. These can be seen in un-managed diabetes as well as infections. But to figure that out would have actually required him to care enough to make an effort before handing out a death sentence prematurely. An effort he clearly did not make. I understand my dear Mocha was 22.5 years of age and I know she was not immortal. I do not know how much time she had left on her clock but I do know that up until the episode she still had a mostly vibrant and good life. And I now know that his interpretation of the sdma test result was wrong. Perhaps had he have investigated to find out what was happening, maybe it would have proven to be unrecoverable this time, but to know that I based my decision to so hastily end my beautiful Mocha's life on a lazy inaccuracy is something that will haunt me for my entire life and I will never forgive Bob for causing it. He isn't getting a pass because he has a kind bedside manner. I also want to note that my review isn't intended to be a reflection on Rachael, Falycia(vet tech), or Dr. Steve. I think that had we have had the luck of seeing Mocha's doctor that day, she would likely still be alive and even if not I feel confident that Dr. Steve would have cared enough to make sure before telling me it was time.

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@MyMocha I think what you've written is perfect and you come across very clear and honest. It must have been impossible to write and I bet you deleted lots that you really wanted to say. I'm so so sorry that this happened, I don't really have the words. I'm glad you are able to warn others though, it needs sharing. We put so much trust in vets to care for our pets because they can't speak for themselves. I don't know what to say because you know that time with Mocha was limited but that fact that that happened breaks my heart for you. Yes it's speedy and peaceful when it's done but doesn't stop us from feeling how we do. Your beautiful little girl knew she was very much loved and you showed her that every day of her life. I don't really know what more to say I'm sorry xx

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Thanks for your reply. I am glad you wrote it, it might help give you some "closure" for what that is worth and of course to warn others.

And you are right my new kitty so sweet and we making progress and getting closer day by day. I know I won't hang onto my grief and anger forever, but kind of like you - my cat was taken too soon. It is haunting. Even your little cheese story. It haunts us. Everyday I work on acceptance and coming to peace if you call it that... for everything. So many things that happened months leading up to losing him that I regret happening. Everything from going away for a week to surgery to remove a cyst on his tail. So much needless suffering.

But it's all over. Time is all I have to heal. I can't think about too long or I can get very upset. I try to remember all of the good times and there were so many. 

 

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@MyMocha  Wow, reading that all put down the way you did it, it really helps the reader to see what happened.  Bob was lazy and careless, no excuse.  He may be the nicest person in the world but in that moment, what he did carried extreme effect on your cat and thus on you, and there's no taking that back.  I hope it will be a wake-up call for him so that no one else has to suffer what you went through.  It's how I feel about my King George, and you can see that 11 1/2 years since hasn't softened my feelings any.  I still feel extreme regret that my poor wonderful cat had an entire month of extreme suffering needlessly.  In my case, I would have had him put down immediately, he didn't deserve the suffering he went through and the only reason I kept him alive that last month is I thought he had a bad head cold or respiratory infection that he would recover from, in other words, I thought he'd get through it.  Had I known he had cancer that was so progressed and caused so much pain and suffering, I would have spared him that last month that the horrid emergency clinic caused by not paying attention to him and just charging me exorbitantly.  They never even apologized when I confronted them afterwards.  No heart.

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@Jencatlover, oh yes the review was very difficult for me to write.  I kept getting angry and emotional and it just wasn't coming across like i needed it to.  It still isn't great because it doesn't show how much it truly affected me and her but i don't think there are words to really describe that anyway.  I feel better having submitted it though.  I still cry for her everyday because i feel she should still be here even if it was borrowed time but mostly it is just missing her. I don't think that will change anytime soon. Your pictures of Bertie are really great.  He looks so soft and fluffy.  Mocha's hair was like that.  I could just bury my face in her fur.

@AJWCat, yes you are right, nothing will ease the loss other than time.  I think out of all the people here my grief will most closely relate to yours.  Just had that unique and strong of a bond i guess.  It will take a long time to adjust and accept.  I will always regret my decision that day, always.  But anyway, I am glad your new kitty is with you.  You are also right about advising others to not get a new fur friend thinking it will be another of the one they lost.  It just doesn't work that way.  They are so unique and individual that no two are alike!  And bonds take time to establish and sometimes establish due to a specific life event.  My bond with Mocha came from an event several years back - the real heart of it anyway - that hopefully will never be recreated.  She literally saved me once.  So i know i likely won't ever share that type of bond with another pet.  But i love my Leo, Chloe, and Belle. I will be sad when it is their time too.  Though part of me knows it won't be quite like losing my Mocha.  Hugs to you today. 

@KayC, oh your poor sweet King George.  It's hard especially if you have one that recovers through so many things over the years.  You know at some point they won't but it does not make it easy.  And you never which time it will be.  I know I have seen mine just defy the odds repeatedly.  Recovered within hours after vets said she wouldn't.  I am sorry your King George was made to suffer.  There are no protections for pets when vets get it so wrong. No repercussions or anything. Best case scenario is winning a court case and being awarded the "value of the animal". Doubtful that would add up to much for an "aged" pet and we both know there is no price to cover what was really lost.  I don't expect I will ever get an apology or any acknowledgment of wrongdoing either.  I think I am ok with it because it isn't going to change anything anyway.

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I wanted an apology.  I know it won't change anything for King George or myself, but I wish they would have acknowledged their wrong and not repeat it with anyone else.  Ha, that didn't happen!

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@KayC I can understand wanting an apology, any acknowledgment of what they caused.  Especially since King George had to endure so much more than necessary.  I am sorry they didn't own up to it for you.  Some of these "doctors" really are crappy and it's our cherished pets who suffer.  And we do too...from such heartbreak. I guess i shouldn't have said I was "ok" with not getting an apology, i just really think it isn't going to mean much to me because all the apologies in the world can not give her back to me. But hugs to you. You have certainly endured a lot over the years.

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11 hours ago, MyMocha said:

I guess i shouldn't have said I was "ok" with not getting an apology, i just really think it isn't going to mean much to me because all the apologies in the world can not give her back to me.

True.  The "apology" demanded rings hollow, it's the changed action that we want to see demonstrated.  I see why they are vets instead of doctors if there's no repercussions for their actions.

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Ok well i had a tough day i guess. It was near 70F in my location today (cold front arriving later tonight) so I went out to clean up around the back patio.  That was Mocha's favorite hang out during the warm season (any sunny day above 37F).  I had made her several sleeping spots with old chair cushions over the years and built her a 6 foot cat tower.  Anyway since trash day is tomorrow I threw away all of her cushions today.  It was really hard to do that!!!  I still have to deal with her cat tower but I couldn't manage it today. It still has her fur all over it and it is the last "her" thing on the patio. Anyway just had a tough memory day i guess.

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@MyMocha I can continue my post, I thought I had to run out... But yes, I understand completely how throwing out the cushions would upset you. I was upset when we donated all of Mel’s washable wee-wee pads (there were a lot) to the humane society. It’s their things. I hope you are feeling a bit better this evening. Do you have video of Mocha? Because I’ve found that when I break down, I watch a video of Mel on my iPad & I feel like she’s with me. I was surprised it made me feel better the first time I watched one. Just a thought. 

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1 hour ago, MyMocha said:

I still have to deal with her cat tower but I couldn't manage it today. It still has her fur all over it and it is the last "her" thing on the patio. Anyway just had a tough memory day i guess.

Oh sweetheart, we understand. The first thing I did when the vet left with Tia's body was take her bed from the lounge and moved it into a room we don't really use. But now every now and then I'll go in and stick my face in it just for a little whiff of her!

Maybe give yourself time before you decide what to do with her cat tower. Perhaps put it somewhere where you can't see it for now? I still have Tia's toys scattered around my home. Eventually I'll sort them out but I'll keep the majority of them in a nice box. Just go at your own pace darling. I honestly believe loosing a pet is the hardest thing most people will ever face. I feel ridiculous saying that when I've lost (and we've all lost) human family and friends. I guess the relationship you have with your fur kids is on a more pure and spiritual level - which leads me to believe we'll see our babies again one day. 

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@AJWCat sure, no problem.

@MelsGone ty for being supportive.  I know some will eye roll that I am still so sad.  It is what it is.  Throwing away her things was horrible.  Yes, I have years of videos of my precious kitty.  I have watched all of them.  I recently upgraded laptops and had to move all my files over so all of her stuff has been put into a separate "Mocha's Memories" folder.  The videos just make me sad.  Different people handle things differently. I will get there eventually. Ty again though.

@Max79, I did the same as you the "day of" as soon as I got home.  I put all of her house stuff away in a closet in the cat room. It's stuff I just don't have the heart to dispose of.  Her in-the-house bed, bowl she ate out of for years, her fave toy, and blanket.  I don't know how I will ever get rid of those things.  Maybe someday.  I hadn't touched the stuff out on the back patio because I just haven't been able to.  I have attempted it a few times but couldn't do it.  My husband had to assist me yesterday with the cushions or I may not have done that much. Anyway, thank you for responding. 

 

Btw, gotta love the SJW trolls out there who will write a review about your review.  I wrote a review of the so-called "vet" that literally took her away because he was too lazy to care so some **** wrote a review saying how great he is and that "he has always been great with my cats".  Well how nice for her that her cats aren't dead yet because he doesn't know how to interpret test results adequately.  :angry:

 

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MyMocha,

I'm sorry it was a hard day yesterday.  It IS hard getting rid of anything of their's, or cleaning up the last bit of fur from the carpet.  :(

Yeah, I hate it when people dispute YOUR experience because their's was different.  Lucky them.  I think I'd respond that they're lucky their cats aren't dead, but that would probably engage them further and they'd never shut up then.  :angry:

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All those things are hard... bowls, toys, beds, food... dealing with fur in spots, footprints, and more... there are so many signs of them after they are gone. :( 

I didn't have another cat so we donated everything we had to a local shelter.

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@KayC, yes these last few Mocha things are definitely a challenge.  Odd you mention those fur spots.  I have literally been vacuuming around 2 special spots in the living room that have a small clump of her hair sitting there.  I just haven't been able to get rid of it yet.  I kinda feel like I am just prolonging my own suffering to be honest.  I will get there. And yes, I was so upset when that girl wrote her opposing review.  You read what my review entailed...I can't imagine reading an experience like that of another person and being so cruel as to not just overlook the details of the event but to go a step further and say something so dismissive in a response.  And i have to agree 100% with not responding as I went back and forth already about doing just that!  But i realized after a bit that if someone is so simple minded to actually post something so unsympathetic after what happened with my long time companion then they aren't going to get it anyway and it will just further disrespect the situation.  Still mad about it though. But ty for getting it.

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Yeah KayC is totally right. 

I literally collected a small pile of cat hairs off of my sweater and put them on a table. They sat there for a couple weeks. You will get there when you are ready. Sweet Mocha she left you plenty to remember, beautiful fur!  

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@AJWCat i have been trying to contemplate the differences with having other pets in the home when losing one vs having to endure a petless environment afterwards.  I honestly have had trouble. I still had my Belle(dog), Leo n Chloe(cats) and though my special relationship resided with Mocha specifically I really think it would have been far more difficult if the others were not here.  So i am so happy you have reached out and brought home another friend/companion.  Even knowing how hard the losses are.  I just can't imagine a home without a little ball of fur - even though some aren't so little.  As for what you did with your kitties hairs...i just totally choked up over that.  It is so true too.  Those last strands of their precious hair seems so hard to lose.  Hugs

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Thanks @MyMocha, it was such a weird time because we were on "vacation" in a vacation home.

I removed his bowls immediately, so painful to look at. (I think you were talking about that w/ someone.) But the fur was like the last sign of him. Of course eventually I cleaned everything but vacuuming made me so sad.

Having other pets is soothing even though it doesn't fix the loss.  I agree w/ you, the silence and emptiness was awful. Our new little one is helping. I love her already. But I do so miss my guy.  

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I can totally relate to the saving their fur, it sounds like something I would do.  I still have a pet leash from my dog that died nearly ten years ago...it's too narrow for my powerful dog I have now and it was pink and he's a boy so I can't use it...but still I save it.  It reminds me of Lucky girl.  Sigh...

I can't imagine living without pets.  One doesn't replace another, no worry of that, but I need someone here besides just me, someone to interact with, someone to love, someone to come home to, someone to make happy.  So I imagine I will always have a dog or cat or both.

Your posts are very touching, we can all relate.  I wish comfort and peace for you.

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@MyMocha Hey, how are you doing? Your always checking on every one else...  Thanks for also refering to her as my “sister” on my post  - thanks for “playing along”. Right now, I’m trying to find a picture of her and I together, so strange - all this time she was right next to me, I never thought of taking us together, there was no need to. So tell me, how have you been? I hope you have been well.

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MelsGone, it so strange you should say that about not having any pictures of the two of you together because I also realised I had none with me Ava together as I was going through pictures of her last week,  so in the last week I have been taking pictures of us together because somehow that seems so important now it's near the end, as if I need proof she was mine and not just pictures of a random dog which is silly and all the pictures have her shaved patches and visible scars on her stomach, legs and side but it still feels really important.

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I don't have pictures of myself with my pets either, never thought of that before.  But I do have a lock of Arlie's fur, Huskies shed in clumps so I kept one in a ziploc bag, sounds crazy I know, but...

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So it has been quite a bit since I posted but I think of my Mocha every day and miss our days together. I sit in my chair looking out the back door still wishing to see her big beautiful eyes looking at me as she scratches on the glass wanting back in. Mocha was my rock - quite a burden for such a small creature - but she carried me through each day effortlessly. There is never enough time with those so special to us. Getting through the days are easier I guess but my heart has such a hole from her absence. 

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Interesting your posting this...because MY Miss Mocha used to scratch at the back patio door, and it's been there that I glance since she's been gone...I last saw her June 3, 2016 and long ago accepted she met with an untimely death, I know she'd never willingly leave here, she picked me, picked this home to live in, she was happy here, but I'm still missing her just as you're missing your Mocha.  

I'm sorry your heart is still so heavy, this is a hard thing to try to adjust to.  The "missing them" part just doesn't seem to go away.

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No it does not. I was just thinking about many people here lately you included and your sweet Mocha. We miss our guy too. :( 

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