Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Boyfriend Died of Cardiac Arrest After Making Love


beaconbound

Recommended Posts

  • Members

My boyfriend suddenly passed on Dec. 23. He was 35 years old. We had been making love when he stopped suddenly to take a break because he was feeling he said "light headed." I asked if he wanted some water, he nodded yes, so I went to get him water and when I came back his face was red and he wasn't able to look at me, he was concentrated on a point on the wall and he wouldn't look at me, then he fell hard on his side and I ran for help. We called 9-1-1 and they arrived in under 5 min, during which time my father and I were doing our best to perform CPR (though it had been almost 5 years since I trained in CPR). The paramedics arrived, but honestly when we had been with him it had already seemed like he had passed. 

I can hardly breathe the grief is so palpable. I am rattled with guilt day in and day out - If I'd done a better job of CPR, if I'd called 9-1-1 the second he said he felt light headed, if, if, if... He was a healthy active 35 year old. He had been a smoker earlier in his life, and still used an E-cigarette, but other than that he was relatively a healthy normal guy. We had made love often so it's not like this was a new experience for us, or that his heart couldn't handle this sort of thing. He was also a runner and went to the gym regularly. I am just riddled with grief over the whole thing, I wake up panicked in the middle of the night that I could still do something or fix something or change something, and then the grief washes over me like a huge wave and I'm back to sadness and utter despair. We had only been dating for 5 months, but we knew. I always heard that when you meet the right one, you'll know. We knew. We said I love you only 2 months in. We went on a huge 2 week trip to Europe (so glad we did) 3 months into our relationship. He was home with me in Texas visiting my family for Christmas when this happened, so the guilt I feel over him being there and not in our home state (California) - and his family didn't know me very well so I'm just devastated. We all are. Why did this happen? People survive cardiac arrest and heart attacks all the time - why didn't he?  Why wasn't there any time or sign or symptom that this was happening? Everything I've read about heart attacks says that people usually have a few moments where they know it's happening; it seems he bypassed the heart attack and went straight into cardiac arrest with no time to allow for help or rescue.

I wake up nightly at 4am and I'm just lost. I journal, I try to watch TV, I walk around my apartment, but nothing settles this unsettling feeling that I miss my love so much I can't breathe, and while I know it's not true and irrational to keep blaming myself, I can't help but feel guilty over him no longer being with us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Oh dear, I am so saddened to hear of your loss. I relate so very much to you, for I too lost my partner, my soul mate and we were only together a short 5 months before he passed. We knew, too. I also feel guilty about not being able to help with his addiction to opiates. I tried my best, but he continued to call it "his medicine." I miss him dearly, and I will tell you you are not alone in your grief. Everyone keeps telling me it will heal with time, but we were just so in love it hurts so much! I can't even fathom finding another love. I hope you know that God has you, he has both of you in the palm of his hand, and you can always talk to Him or the angels, you are not alone!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I am so sorry for your loss, you are the same age as my daughter, this must be a huge shock to you, no one would expect it.

I hope you'll see a professional grief counselor, you don't deserve nor did you earn the guilt you're feeling, it's part of grief, a lot of us experience it.  I think of it as a way to try and rewrite the outcome, but of course it doesn't work.

My husband died of a heart attack, we didn't know until that weekend that he even had heart problems but he had a severely damaged heart from a previous heart attack, when they said that, we knew instantly when it was, six months earlier he'd blacked out, totaling his car.  We'd thought it was due to his Diabetes but it wasn't, the heart surgeon said he'd had a heart attack and the airbag going off gave a thrust to his chest that restarted his heart.  In the end, I lost him anyway.  You didn't get any heads up and we didn't get much, enough for them to run some tests, he was in the hospital three days, then had another heart attack that killed him.

Something had to be wrong for your BF to have one so young, there wasn't anything you could have known, predicted, or changed.  You've found a good place to be, we're all in this together, and it helps to express yourself and know you're heard and understood so I hope you continue coming here.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry. Please don't blame yourself. It isn't your fault. In our weakest moments, we do the best that we can. God knows that thought runs through my head too -- what if I had checked on him sooner? What if I had gotten there even five minutes before when I did? What if I had let my intuition guide me?

Know that you have a community here. It is NOT your fault, absolutely NOT your fault. I'm so sorry for your loss. My dear beloved suffered cardiac arrest too. We don't really know what happened, just that his body decided to shut down... he was 30.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am very sorry for your loss.  I understand that at this stage most of the grief is comprised of guilt.  The scene your boyfriend passed away will have profound impact to you.  I heard and read a lot of cases of heart attacks that were people who died during exercise, sleeping, after eating or even talking in the meeting.  Human bodies are very complicated.  You have a good heart doesn't mean you won't have a heart attack but just means you are less risky.  We all live in the history of cause and effect and we just have no control of it.  People told me my husband's pass-away was a kind of destiny which I still don't like to hear.

Please find somebodies who can listen to your venting or get help from grief counselors.  Time will lessen your guilt.  My prayers are with you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. In the past 2 weeks we had my love's memorial service, a celebration of life, which was really lovely and so many people came out to honor him. It was really moving. We've also been packing up his apartment which was very tough. I've been looking for a grief support group in Los Angeles but everyone I've spoken with doesn't seem to have the right group for me. In fact I just got off the phone with one therapist who runs a grief support group and she said I don't qualify for any of her categories, that I'm either too young or that I wasn't with my partner for long enough. She said my loss is what they refer to as a "discounted loss" -- I started crying and ended up hanging up on her. I just don't know what she was thinking saying something like that to someone who is reaching out for help and support. I found it completely careless and wreckless on her part.  So my loss is deemed by the mental health community as "discounted." I suppose I will continue to come here to seek support and those who experienced a loss in the same or similar way as I did.  Thank you again for being here. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, beaconbound said:

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. In the past 2 weeks we had my love's memorial service, a celebration of life, which was really lovely and so many people came out to honor him. It was really moving. We've also been packing up his apartment which was very tough. I've been looking for a grief support group in Los Angeles but everyone I've spoken with doesn't seem to have the right group for me. In fact I just got off the phone with one therapist who runs a grief support group and she said I don't qualify for any of her categories, that I'm either too young or that I wasn't with my partner for long enough. She said my loss is what they refer to as a "discounted loss" -- I started crying and ended up hanging up on her. I just don't know what she was thinking saying something like that to someone who is reaching out for help and support. I found it completely careless and wreckless on her part.  So my loss is deemed by the mental health community as "discounted." I suppose I will continue to come here to seek support and those who experienced a loss in the same or similar way as I did.  Thank you again for being here. 

First let me begin by stating how sorry I am for the loss of your love.

I truly cannot believe a mental health professional would say something like that to you, about you not being together long enough. That must have been very upsetting to you. I can say from my own experience that I know what you feel in the sense that I was only with my boyfriend a few short months as well. Time does not matter. Love does not have a timeline.  You know the relationship you had with your loved one better than any other person ever could. Even his family members or friends could never truly know what you two shared with each other. People on the outside looking in don’t have the capacity to put themselves in your shoes because most often they have never had to experience losing a loved one, especially so soon into a relationship. It is a very hard and isolating thing to go through. I am sorry you are having difficulty finding a group to “fit in with” but do know this forum is very helpful, healing, and nonjudgmental. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, beaconbound said:

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. In the past 2 weeks we had my love's memorial service, a celebration of life, which was really lovely and so many people came out to honor him. It was really moving. We've also been packing up his apartment which was very tough. I've been looking for a grief support group in Los Angeles but everyone I've spoken with doesn't seem to have the right group for me. In fact I just got off the phone with one therapist who runs a grief support group and she said I don't qualify for any of her categories, that I'm either too young or that I wasn't with my partner for long enough. She said my loss is what they refer to as a "discounted loss" -- I started crying and ended up hanging up on her. I just don't know what she was thinking saying something like that to someone who is reaching out for help and support. I found it completely careless and wreckless on her part.  So my loss is deemed by the mental health community as "discounted." I suppose I will continue to come here to seek support and those who experienced a loss in the same or similar way as I did.  Thank you again for being here. 

Hi beacon bound,

i am again so sorry that you had to deal with that. It is people like that that give professionals in the mental health field a bad name. I myself would probably be included in that “ discounted loss” category because I was not married to my partner and we were only together a short five and an half months before he tragically passed away. Michael was my partner, my person, my true love.  I know what you are going through, and please find a grief group that is maybe in the church? That would be more helpful and supportive? I am going to start a grief group here in illinois at a church next Sunday, I’m hoping this will help in my time of mourning my partner. I hope you find  a better grief support group because that is really not necessary and unprofessional of that therapist to say that to you. How awful! Prayers to you in your time of pain and loss. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, beaconbound said:

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. In the past 2 weeks we had my love's memorial service, a celebration of life, which was really lovely and so many people came out to honor him. It was really moving. We've also been packing up his apartment which was very tough. I've been looking for a grief support group in Los Angeles but everyone I've spoken with doesn't seem to have the right group for me. In fact I just got off the phone with one therapist who runs a grief support group and she said I don't qualify for any of her categories, that I'm either too young or that I wasn't with my partner for long enough. She said my loss is what they refer to as a "discounted loss" -- I started crying and ended up hanging up on her. I just don't know what she was thinking saying something like that to someone who is reaching out for help and support. I found it completely careless and wreckless on her part.  So my loss is deemed by the mental health community as "discounted." I suppose I will continue to come here to seek support and those who experienced a loss in the same or similar way as I did.  Thank you again for being here. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is absolutely heartwrenching.  What that so called mental health professional said is an absolute disgrace.  She should lose her job for a comment like that.  What does "discounted loss" even mean?  To try and quantify someones love for another based on how long they have been together is not only shortsighted but completely foolish.  The only positive out of hearing that comment is that you know you wouldn't want to be a part of her support group anyway.  I have been meaning to try and find one myself here that I can be a part of but haven't made the first step in doing so yet.  So far this place has been a terrific outlet though so please continue to use it and share thoughts as everyone here has been very helpful and welcoming.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I know it is hard.  But try not to blame yourself for these kind of things.  There are some things in our life that we cannot control.   I am terribly sorry for what you are going through, and I am even more sorry for the dumb therapist you ran into.   Please don't let one questionable therapist who makes a rude and silly comment stop you for seeking what you need.  Call someone else or another facility to get the private sessions or grief group you are seeking .....   I believe this will help you greatly.      I have met many grievers in recent months.  I can tell you that every one's story is unique in its own way.  The length of a relationship absolutely has no bearing on what your loss should be.     Again, I'm sorry that you ran into a "therapist" with such poor communication skills.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 1/30/2018 at 10:39 AM, beaconbound said:

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. In the past 2 weeks we had my love's memorial service, a celebration of life, which was really lovely and so many people came out to honor him. It was really moving. We've also been packing up his apartment which was very tough. I've been looking for a grief support group in Los Angeles but everyone I've spoken with doesn't seem to have the right group for me. In fact I just got off the phone with one therapist who runs a grief support group and she said I don't qualify for any of her categories, that I'm either too young or that I wasn't with my partner for long enough. She said my loss is what they refer to as a "discounted loss" -- I started crying and ended up hanging up on her. I just don't know what she was thinking saying something like that to someone who is reaching out for help and support. I found it completely careless and wreckless on her part.  So my loss is deemed by the mental health community as "discounted." I suppose I will continue to come here to seek support and those who experienced a loss in the same or similar way as I did.  Thank you again for being here. 

OMG!  What a horrid thing for her to say to you, super insensitive at best!  The actual term is often referred to pet loss because although it's a very real and significant loss, oftentimes society doesn't recognize it the same way they would other loss because they just don't realize how close some of us are with our pets and how devastating their loss is to us.  She should know you would not know that term and that it would sound to you like your loss is being discounted (or doesn't count) to her.  Stupid stupid thing for her to say.  I agree with the others here, she should be called under the carpet for this.  Maybe when you feel stronger (however long that takes) you can call her back and give her a tongue lashing and tell her how the term felt and sounded to you.  Some people should have jobs picking beans instead of being "in the profession"!

I lead a grief support group here because I live in the country and the closest "town" is only 3,500 people including surrounding area, there's never been a grief support group here.  We would welcome you with open arms.  Rule #1 for any therapist is to never discount or devalue anyone's grief, to them their grief is the greatest, that is true for all of us!  As we've all learned, it's not about our age or how long we were together or if we made it to the altar, it is about the love of our life being gone from us now and how do we handle it, where do we go from here!

Not all therapists and counselors are equal.  Look for a professional grief counselor who has a degree in Thanatology.  You're in a huge city, there should be some.  Not all counselors or therapists are trained in grief, specifically, so that's an important certificate to see on their wall.  

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/11/grief-support-groups-what-are-benefits.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, KayC said:

OMG!  What a horrid thing for her to say to you, super insensitive at best!  The actual term is often referred to pet loss because although it's a very real and significant loss, oftentimes society don't recognize it the same way they would other loss because they just don't realize how close some of us are with our pets and how devastating their loss is to us.  She should know you would not know that term and that it would sound to you like your loss is being discounted (or doesn't count) to her.  Stupid stupid thing for her to say.  I agree with the others here, she should be called under the carpet for this.  Maybe when you feel stronger (however long that takes) you can call her back and give her a tongue lashing and tell her how the term felt and sounded to you.  Some people should have jobs picking beans instead of being "in the profession"!

I lead a grief support group here because I live in the country and the closest "town" is only 3,500 people including surrounding area, there's never been a grief support group here.  We would welcome you with open arms.  Rule #1 for any therapist is to never discount or devalue anyone's grief, to them their grief is the greatest, that is true for all of us!  As we've all learned, it's not about our age or how long we were together or if we made it to the altar, it is about the love of our life being gone from us now and how do we handle it, where do we go from here!

Not all therapists and counselors are equal.  Look for a professional grief counselor who has a degree in Thanatology.  You're in a huge city, there should be some.  Not all counselors or therapists are trained in grief, specifically, so that's an important certificate to see on their wall.  

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/11/grief-support-groups-what-are-benefits.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

“Pet loss”?! Losing a pet is on the same par as losing the person you love? Because you aren’t married? Wow!! I’m confused! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Wow Im really sorry all that happened to you, my boyfriend and I were only together for 7 months and Im pretty sure he was my soulmate. I can't believe a therapist would downplay your feelings like that, thats just horrible. I was afraid someone would say that to me but no-one has

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
3 hours ago, nicoleashley94 said:

“Pet loss”?! Losing a pet is on the same par as losing the person you love? Because you aren’t married? Wow!! I’m confused! 

I'm not saying that, the so called counselor was equating it as such.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, KayC said:

I'm not saying that, the so called counselor was equating it as such.

Wow! Never heard of that 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

It's more commonly referred to as disenfranchised grief, which is a grief that is not as readily acknowledged by society.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Oh my gosh! I have never heard of a discounted or a disenfranchised grief.  There are support groups out there that are welcoming.  Please don't give up.  I've been told that support groups can be located by contacting funeral homes or a social worker at a hospital.  Keep reaching out.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

These may explain it better:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/08/disenfranchised-grief-mourning-loss-of.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/disenfranchised-grief-when-ex-spouse.html

I think it was wrong of the so-called counselor to label her grief as discounted (or disenfranchised), I think the only person that doesn't recognize it as regular grief over loss of a partner is the counselor, she was way off base!  When we were kids they said sticks and stones could break our bones but words could never hurt me.  Not true!  Wording, our choice of words, our usage really does matter.  I hope beaconbound can discount the counselor's words as if she never spoke them!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you all for your support ~ I'm glad we can all agree she was way off base in saying the things she said to me. I reached my 6 week mark yesterday, and this group called Our House contacted me, I had reached out previously but they said in their experience people are better equipped to give and receive in a group setting once they have passed 6 weeks since the death of their loved one. They are putting me in the spouse and partner group for 30-40 somethings. I am very glad they are counting the loss of my boyfriend as being qualified for that group. I have my appointment with the counselor this Friday and then I will be able to join the group the following week.  I am very much looking forward to meeting others who have gone through the loss of their partner. In the meantime I am so grateful for this forum.  @nicoleashley94 and @Annamaengo I feel for you in losing your partners, with whom you were not married and were not with as long as some other couples had been together. I love the words some have posted about how love has no timeline - you can know someone for a short time and know that they were your whole world. I think in some ways it can be difficult for other reasons having lost someone you have no legal attachment too - family and loved ones don't know the depth of your love because there was not an official legal label on it.  Anyway, thanks for the support and my heart goes out to you as well. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 1/13/2018 at 7:11 AM, beaconbound said:

 I am rattled with guilt day in and day out - If I'd done a better job of CPR, if I'd called 9-1-1 the second he said he felt light headed, if, if, if... He was a healthy active 35 year old. He had been a smoker earlier in his life, and still used an E-cigarette, but other than that he was relatively a healthy normal guy. We had made love often so it's not like this was a new experience for us, or that his heart couldn't handle this sort of thing. He was also a runner and went to the gym regularly. I am just riddled with grief over the whole thing, I wake up panicked in the middle of the night that I could still do something or fix something or change something, and then the grief washes over me like a huge wave and I'm back to sadness and utter despair.

Why did this happen? People survive cardiac arrest and heart attacks all the time - why didn't he?  Why wasn't there any time or sign or symptom that this was happening? Everything I've read about heart attacks says that people usually have a few moments where they know it's happening; it seems he bypassed the heart attack and went straight into cardiac arrest with no time to allow for help or rescue.

I wake up nightly at 4am and I'm just lost. I journal, I try to watch TV, I walk around my apartment, but nothing settles this unsettling feeling that I miss my love so much I can't breathe, and while I know it's not true and irrational to keep blaming myself, I can't help but feel guilty over him no longer being with us.

I am so very sorry for your loss; my Charles also died from a  massive heart attack and like you I thought if,if if only I had done or that, than perhaps I could have saved him.  I wanted to blame someone, the doctors that he had visited the day before who had given him a good report; or the  who got to him fairly quickly and with all their equipment couldn't save him; or the doctors and staff at the hospital who couldn't save him; and God who didn't save him, and of course myself.  Someone had to be the blame, or so I thought.  I had to release the need to replay the negative situation over and over again in my mind. In order for me to try to move on, I knew I needed not to remind myself of what should have, couldhave, or would have been - I simply needed to release it and slowly that's what I doing.

The reality about life after losing someone so close to you is that the wrong can never be made right. It can never be fixed. Ever. Your life now is irreparably broken without your love in it will never feel a-okay again. You may experience moments of bittersweet joy, and bittersweet happiness, and will eventually laugh again, and find stupid things funny, but it will never again be what it once was. You might never again have the feeling that all is right in the world. You can’t fix it, mend it, or even cry it away. No matter how many years go by, the ache remains.  As much as it hurts, and it hurts like hell, I am grateful that I was able to share 44 years with a man that I loved and loved me.  We all will, some day, leave this earth and for now, I'm learning to accept my life as it is; I don't judge or dramatize.  I try to let life's events come freely and welcome the lessons they convey. I'm learning to stop struggling so much and let go knowing God always give me what is most appropriate to my soul.

Know that you are in my prayers.

 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
8 hours ago, beaconbound said:

Thank you all for your support ~ I'm glad we can all agree she was way off base in saying the things she said to me. I reached my 6 week mark yesterday, and this group called Our House contacted me, I had reached out previously but they said in their experience people are better equipped to give and receive in a group setting once they have passed 6 weeks since the death of their loved one. They are putting me in the spouse and partner group for 30-40 somethings. I am very glad they are counting the loss of my boyfriend as being qualified for that group. I have my appointment with the counselor this Friday and then I will be able to join the group the following week.  I am very much looking forward to meeting others who have gone through the loss of their partner. In the meantime I am so grateful for this forum.  @nicoleashley94 and @Annamaengo I feel for you in losing your partners, with whom you were not married and were not with as long as some other couples had been together. I love the words some have posted about how love has no timeline - you can know someone for a short time and know that they were your whole world. I think in some ways it can be difficult for other reasons having lost someone you have no legal attachment too - family and loved ones don't know the depth of your love because there was not an official legal label on it.  Anyway, thanks for the support and my heart goes out to you as well. 

Thank you @beaconbound so much for your kind words, they help so much in the face of so many people that are just not feeling like dealing with the grief that I have, or just don't understand the depth of it. I am so thankful for this forum that we can help each other through this time. It will heal in time i've heard, but I know he is with me forever. It is a love that truly exists and never ends. I am thankful I was blessed to have met him and to know we'll be together again is helpful too to me. Love and prayers to you all!! It will all be clear to those naysayers or people who need labels and legal attachements for them to be "legitimate losses" like that somehow makes sense... yeah.. it will all be very obvious and apparent to them eventually. Some times people just don't know what to say to people in grief. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
8 hours ago, Francine said:

I am so very sorry for your loss; my Charles also died from a  massive heart attack and like you I thought if,if if only I had done or that, than perhaps I could have saved him.  I wanted to blame someone, the doctors that he had visited the day before who had given him a good report; or the  who got to him fairly quickly and with all their equipment couldn't save him; or the doctors and staff at the hospital who couldn't save him; and God who didn't save him, and of course myself.  Someone had to be the blame, or so I thought.  I had to release the need to replay the negative situation over and over again in my mind. In order for me to try to move on, I knew I needed not to remind myself of what should have, couldhave, or would have been - I simply needed to release it and slowly that's what I doing.

The reality about life after losing someone so close to you is that the wrong can never be made right. It can never be fixed. Ever. Your life now is irreparably broken without your love in it will never feel a-okay again. You may experience moments of bittersweet joy, and bittersweet happiness, and will eventually laugh again, and find stupid things funny, but it will never again be what it once was. You might never again have the feeling that all is right in the world. You can’t fix it, mend it, or even cry it away. No matter how many years go by, the ache remains.  As much as it hurts, and it hurts like hell, I am grateful that I was able to share 44 years with a man that I loved and loved me.  We all will, some day, leave this earth and for now, I'm learning to accept my life as it is; I don't judge or dramatize.  I try to let life's events come freely and welcome the lessons they convey. I'm learning to stop struggling so much and let go knowing God always give me what is most appropriate to my soul.

Know that you are in my prayers.

 

Francine,

that is it, isn't it. the loss of "all is right with the world"--my days are all now "also rans..." not up to what they have been when my Eric was here with me. No matter how bad the day, it could never go below a certain point, because we had each other. Now everything seems to be a sad imitation of itself--I got up early to see the lunar eclipse/blood moon. That was something my husband would have been excited about. It was impressive, but missing my best friend to share it with, so slightly diminished. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
21 hours ago, beaconbound said:

they said in their experience people are better equipped to give and receive in a group setting once they have passed 6 weeks since the death of their loved one.

I've often heard at least two months and my mentor-counselor just stated around six months the other day, although she acknowledged everyone is individual and unique i their timelines.  In the beginning we are not able to hear others, it takes everything within us just to absorb what WE are going through, and especially face to face, we feel we should hold it together and we're not there yet.  We all agree there's no shame in crying, when we're grieving those tears are understandable, yet there's something within us that makes us uncomfortable crying, particularly in front of strangers, it makes us feel vulnerable or weak.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
20 hours ago, Francine said:

I am so very sorry for your loss; my Charles also died from a  massive heart attack and like you I thought if,if if only I had done or that, than perhaps I could have saved him.  I wanted to blame someone, the doctors that he had visited the day before who had given him a good report; or the  who got to him fairly quickly and with all their equipment couldn't save him; or the doctors and staff at the hospital who couldn't save him; and God who didn't save him, and of course myself.  Someone had to be the blame, or so I thought.  I had to release the need to replay the negative situation over and over again in my mind. In order for me to try to move on, I knew I needed not to remind myself of what should have, could have, or would have been - I simply needed to release it and slowly that's what I doing.

I went through this also, you express it so well!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 2/4/2018 at 4:08 PM, beaconbound said:

Thank you all for your support ~ I'm glad we can all agree she was way off base in saying the things she said to me. I reached my 6 week mark yesterday, and this group called Our House contacted me, I had reached out previously but they said in their experience people are better equipped to give and receive in a group setting once they have passed 6 weeks since the death of their loved one. They are putting me in the spouse and partner group for 30-40 somethings. I am very glad they are counting the loss of my boyfriend as being qualified for that group. I have my appointment with the counselor this Friday and then I will be able to join the group the following week.  I am very much looking forward to meeting others who have gone through the loss of their partner. In the meantime I am so grateful for this forum.  @nicoleashley94 and @Annamaengo I feel for you in losing your partners, with whom you were not married and were not with as long as some other couples had been together. I love the words some have posted about how love has no timeline - you can know someone for a short time and know that they were your whole world. I think in some ways it can be difficult for other reasons having lost someone you have no legal attachment too - family and loved ones don't know the depth of your love because there was not an official legal label on it.  Anyway, thanks for the support and my heart goes out to you as well. 

Thank you. Glad to hear you are part of a group now. Thinking of you 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 2/5/2018 at 12:27 AM, Michelene said:

Francine,

that is it, isn't it. the loss of "all is right with the world"--my days are all now "also rans..." not up to what they have been when my Eric was here with me. No matter how bad the day, it could never go below a certain point, because we had each other. Now everything seems to be a sad imitation of itself--I got up early to see the lunar eclipse/blood moon. That was something my husband would have been excited about. It was impressive, but missing my best friend to share it with, so slightly diminished. 

Ditto that!  Nothing is right or will ever be again.  I feel as if I'm just going through the motions of life and merely existing, not really living.  I don't know if, losing your heart, you can ever live again.  I won't lie to you; losing my Charles has changed me; for the better or worst, I don't know yet. I do know that losing him is a reminder of the  uncertainty this life can give.  If I'm honest with myself, and learn anything from this, is we mustn't take anything for granted and love like today is our last, it just might be.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 2/5/2018 at 12:20 PM, KayC said:

I went through this also, you express it so well!

Thanks KayC.  Trying to get back to normal, but it's difficult.  I need prayer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 minute ago, Francine said:

Ditto that!  Nothing is right or will ever be again.  I feel as if I'm just going through the motions of life and merely existing, not really living.  I don't know if, losing your heart, you can ever live again.  I won't lie to you; losing my Charles has changed me; for the better or worst, I don't know yet. I do know that losing him is a reminder of the  uncertainty this life can give.  If I'm honest with myself, and learn anything from this, is we mustn't take anything for granted and love like today is our last, it just might be.

I agree. There isn't really any more joy in life and we're just existing because that's the only choice we have now.  If I can turn back time, I would tell and show my wife more frequently about how much she meant to me and how much I love her; I am very guilty of not doing this frequently.  Just like you said, I took our relationship for granted and I thought that we had plenty of time together.... I mean PLENTY.   During the night of the event, I had no clue that I was going to lose her.  Even on my way to the hospital, I just thought she was ill.  It didn't even cross my mind that she would pass.  Imagine the shock for me.  It totally sucks.   I don't really know how to do this.  But again, no one does.  There's so much I wish I can tell her (in person).   I know I can't do that now. But I know she sees my pain and she sees how much I meant to her.     If everyone in this world knew and understood what love is, there would be so much more love around us humans.  But the sad truth is that most of us are busy with our own life, and we are selfish to an extent, and we don't have a clue that people can just go.... at the blink of an eye.   Bless us all!  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Yeah, we didn't foresee this.  I had no idea that fateful weekend that my life would forever be a "before and after".  I knew what he meant to me, but I had no clue what the true reality of loss and grief is!  It's one of those things you don't get from reading a book or talking about lightheartedly with your husband, it's one of those things you have to experience to really know.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 2/7/2018 at 7:21 AM, KayC said:

Yeah, we didn't foresee this.  I had no idea that fateful weekend that my life would forever be a "before and after".  I knew what he meant to me, but I had no clue what the true reality of loss and grief is!  It's one of those things you don't get from reading a book or talking about lightheartedly with your husband, it's one of those things you have to experience to really know.

this is so true -- you're just looking at it on tv and movies as such a sad thing but you really have no clue what it really feels like until you go through it. i feel like i was very naive before now. and yes, I definitely feel like my life for the foreseeable future will be marked by before and after dave. i'm only 34 and hope to have a family so I have to be hopeful and know that he would want me to go and lead a full happy life. but it's so hard to think about someone else ever filling the void he left in my heart. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
21 minutes ago, beaconbound said:

this is so true -- you're just looking at it on tv and movies as such a sad thing but you really have no clue what it really feels like until you go through it. i feel like i was very naive before now. and yes, I definitely feel like my life for the foreseeable future will be marked by before and after dave. i'm only 34 and hope to have a family so I have to be hopeful and know that he would want me to go and lead a full happy life. but it's so hard to think about someone else ever filling the void he left in my heart. 

I understand and share your pain. The thought of being with someone else just doesn't seem possible. How can I carry on my life with someone else knowing that I've lost wife #1?  I will always miss her and think about her even if there is another person in my life.  But again, how in the world am I going to live the next 5-decades being a miserable widower?   Perhaps my feelings will evolve and I will feel different in the future.  However, I can't see myself enjoying life anymore.  There is no joy, there is no happiness.... at least not in the same way as I've had it before.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
22 hours ago, beaconbound said:

i'm only 34 and hope to have a family so I have to be hopeful and know that he would want me to go and lead a full happy life.

I was watching Marriage at First Sight and there's a woman on there who lost her soul mate and she went on the show and they married her to someone.  He's very understanding but he doesn't quite get it either, how she can still be mourning the loss of her Love and yet trying to build a relationship with him, it's nothing to do with him!  It's only been two years for her, that's still pretty soon.  Watching her cry as she's going through her (his) things, it really got to me.  I almost feel like her new partner needs to talk to a grief counselor to learn how it is!

When you're in your 60s you can meet a widower that understands, but when you're in your 30s, who do you know that's widowed?  :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
57 minutes ago, KayC said:

I was watching Marriage at First Sight and there's a woman on there who lost her soul mate and she went on the show and they married her to someone.  He's very understanding but he doesn't quite get it either, how she can still be mourning the loss of her Love and yet trying to build a relationship with him, it's nothing to do with him!  It's only been two years for her, that's still pretty soon.  Watching her cry as she's going through her (his) things, it really got to me.  I almost feel like her new partner needs to talk to a grief counselor to learn how it is!

When you're in your 60s you can meet a widower that understands, but when you're in your 30s, who do you know that's widowed?  :(

I felt a huge gush of sadness that fell on me like a bunch of bricks when I read your post.  This week, I've tried to explore the definition of happiness.  I've realized that I'll never have the happiness and joy the same way as I did before.  Moving forward, any happiness and joy I find in life will be different... it's going to be a different kind of happiness/joy that will have a hint of sadness attached to it.  It's like having that yummy sweet piece of pie, but somehow after swallowing the piece, you realize there's a bit of an after-taste and something about it just isn't right.   I think that's my life.

As for future relationships, I think any future soulmates we all run into will have to have some degree of understanding of what we have been through. In turn, we also need to develop a relationship where we can balance our past with our present. It's complicated and brings a very interesting dynamic to a relationship.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, Azipod said:

I felt a huge gush of sadness that fell on me like a bunch of bricks when I read your post.  This week, I've tried to explore the definition of happiness.  I've realized that I'll never have the happiness and joy the same way as I did before.  Moving forward, any happiness and joy I find in life will be different... it's going to be a different kind of happiness/joy that will have a hint of sadness attached to it.  It's like having that yummy sweet piece of pie, but somehow after swallowing the piece, you realize there's a bit of an after-taste and something about it just isn't right.   I think that's my life.

As for future relationships, I think any future soulmates we all run into will have to have some degree of understanding of what we have been through. In turn, we also need to develop a relationship where we can balance our past with our present. It's complicated and brings a very interesting dynamic to a relationship.  

  Azipod and KayC I'm beginning to see it will be about blending the past with our present.  I sure don't see myself entering into any relationship carrying heavy grief. I can't even imagine a possible partner not respecting my loss.  No understanding no gentleness that potential partner will not be a partner.   A helpful share with that piece of pie.  I'm getting that understanding.

The pie will eventually have a sweet taste but that's where the balance you speak of comes it.  It will be sweet but a different sweet.  Kind of bittersweet.  I love pancakes.  My first alone attempt at pancakes today. They weren't even sweet.  I ended up dumping them.  In time I'm sure I'll enjoy them but in a different way.  I cant imagine experiencing that zest again in attacking those yummy pancakes. Happiness appears but has a hollow feeling now.  It's a different happiness. The laugh and smile.  Not that belly laugh and not that ear to ear smile. The laugh and smile is genuine but hollow.  Maybe that's this limbo state I'm feeling where I'm simply in limbo.  Cant go back and not ready to go forward. What we dearly want we can't have.  It's gone.  so limbo for now is where I need to be in this moment......there's pain and tears still in limbo.  In limbo I am learning. I am understanding and I continue to reach out.  

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.