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My boyfriend suddenly passed on Dec. 23. He was 35 years old. We had been making love when he stopped suddenly to take a break because he was feeling he said "light headed." I asked if he wanted some water, he nodded yes, so I went to get him water and when I came back his face was red and he wasn't able to look at me, he was concentrated on a point on the wall and he wouldn't look at me, then he fell hard on his side and I ran for help. We called 9-1-1 and they arrived in under 5 min, during which time my father and I were doing our best to perform CPR (though it had been almost 5 years since I trained in CPR). The paramedics arrived, but honestly when we had been with him it had already seemed like he had passed. 

I can hardly breathe the grief is so palpable. I am rattled with guilt day in and day out - If I'd done a better job of CPR, if I'd called 9-1-1 the second he said he felt light headed, if, if, if... He was a healthy active 35 year old. He had been a smoker earlier in his life, and still used an E-cigarette, but other than that he was relatively a healthy normal guy. We had made love often so it's not like this was a new experience for us, or that his heart couldn't handle this sort of thing. He was also a runner and went to the gym regularly. I am just riddled with grief over the whole thing, I wake up panicked in the middle of the night that I could still do something or fix something or change something, and then the grief washes over me like a huge wave and I'm back to sadness and utter despair. We had only been dating for 5 months, but we knew. I always heard that when you meet the right one, you'll know. We knew. We said I love you only 2 months in. We went on a huge 2 week trip to Europe (so glad we did) 3 months into our relationship. He was home with me in Texas visiting my family for Christmas when this happened, so the guilt I feel over him being there and not in our home state (California) - and his family didn't know me very well so I'm just devastated. We all are. Why did this happen? People survive cardiac arrest and heart attacks all the time - why didn't he?  Why wasn't there any time or sign or symptom that this was happening? Everything I've read about heart attacks says that people usually have a few moments where they know it's happening; it seems he bypassed the heart attack and went straight into cardiac arrest with no time to allow for help or rescue.

I wake up nightly at 4am and I'm just lost. I journal, I try to watch TV, I walk around my apartment, but nothing settles this unsettling feeling that I miss my love so much I can't breathe, and while I know it's not true and irrational to keep blaming myself, I can't help but feel guilty over him no longer being with us.

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Oh dear, I am so saddened to hear of your loss. I relate so very much to you, for I too lost my partner, my soul mate and we were only together a short 5 months before he passed. We knew, too. I also feel guilty about not being able to help with his addiction to opiates. I tried my best, but he continued to call it "his medicine." I miss him dearly, and I will tell you you are not alone in your grief. Everyone keeps telling me it will heal with time, but we were just so in love it hurts so much! I can't even fathom finding another love. I hope you know that God has you, he has both of you in the palm of his hand, and you can always talk to Him or the angels, you are not alone!

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I am so sorry for your loss, you are the same age as my daughter, this must be a huge shock to you, no one would expect it.

I hope you'll see a professional grief counselor, you don't deserve nor did you earn the guilt you're feeling, it's part of grief, a lot of us experience it.  I think of it as a way to try and rewrite the outcome, but of course it doesn't work.

My husband died of a heart attack, we didn't know until that weekend that he even had heart problems but he had a severely damaged heart from a previous heart attack, when they said that, we knew instantly when it was, six months earlier he'd blacked out, totaling his car.  We'd thought it was due to his Diabetes but it wasn't, the heart surgeon said he'd had a heart attack and the airbag going off gave a thrust to his chest that restarted his heart.  In the end, I lost him anyway.  You didn't get any heads up and we didn't get much, enough for them to run some tests, he was in the hospital three days, then had another heart attack that killed him.

Something had to be wrong for your BF to have one so young, there wasn't anything you could have known, predicted, or changed.  You've found a good place to be, we're all in this together, and it helps to express yourself and know you're heard and understood so I hope you continue coming here.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

 

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I am so sorry. Please don't blame yourself. It isn't your fault. In our weakest moments, we do the best that we can. God knows that thought runs through my head too -- what if I had checked on him sooner? What if I had gotten there even five minutes before when I did? What if I had let my intuition guide me?

Know that you have a community here. It is NOT your fault, absolutely NOT your fault. I'm so sorry for your loss. My dear beloved suffered cardiac arrest too. We don't really know what happened, just that his body decided to shut down... he was 30.

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I am very sorry for your loss.  I understand that at this stage most of the grief is comprised of guilt.  The scene your boyfriend passed away will have profound impact to you.  I heard and read a lot of cases of heart attacks that were people who died during exercise, sleeping, after eating or even talking in the meeting.  Human bodies are very complicated.  You have a good heart doesn't mean you won't have a heart attack but just means you are less risky.  We all live in the history of cause and effect and we just have no control of it.  People told me my husband's pass-away was a kind of destiny which I still don't like to hear.

Please find somebodies who can listen to your venting or get help from grief counselors.  Time will lessen your guilt.  My prayers are with you.

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