What to say to people who don't know??

[Whammy2]

I've had this friend who has been messaging me since she got back from overseas but I just can't bring myself to reply because either I respond to her as though everything is fine, or I say to her 'hey! my mum passed away three weeks ago! life is utter ****!', and so it's just easier to ignore her and say nothing.

She messaged me again today and apologised for if she had done anything wrong. Maybe I'm just bitter, but why do people always think it is about them? Could she not have thought to herself like, hey, I hope jess is okay..? I don't know. She probably thinks I'm ignoring her and giving her the cold shoulder but I just don't know what to say.

I feel like there should be some sign above my head telling the world I am motherless, because how can such a tragedy in my life not turn the rest of the world upside down too?

If anyone can give me some advice that would be appreciated. 

[sadandlost]

Dear Whammy2,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I can't give you any advice but I hope this will help you in some way because we all go through it.

My mom died when I was on the train coming home.  As I got off the phone to family member and got off the train, I looked around me because in that moment my whole world changed.  It is still changed one year on.  As I looked around everything looked different.  People were talking, laughing, going about their business like everything was normal.  I looked around and my first thought was, don't they know what's happened?  They were complete strangers in the train station and that was the thought I had.  Completely irrational.  As the week unfolded and I would have to tell people, I took it slowly.  I sent one email per day to inform friends.  The pain was excruciating having to write the words, my mom died. I didn't want to be a member of this club.  As the weeks went on I was amazed by peoples behaviour.  One of my 2 best friends in life for 3 decades never called.  She sent a message by text saying, so sorry.  I thought she would call in a couple of days, she didn't.  Few days later a text came, how are you?  How was I supposed to reply to that?  I'm devastated, I want to die!?? I couldn't say that so I didn't reply.  Few more days go by another,  hope you're ok? text.  Because I'm going to fine after 5 days??  I didn't reply.  Then a demanding text came saying you're ignoring me, I'm oblivious as to what I've done, please enlighten me.  I was stunned.  Not I'm worried about you?  Or can I call you?  or anything.  I waited and braced myself emailed her and told her off.  She replied 10 days later, she ended our 30 yr friendship.  One year later it still shocks me.  People will surprise you.  Others were thoughtful and sent a kind note.  Someone I wasn't close to but recently became friendly with sent beautiful thoughtful condolences.  I was taken aback by their kindness.

I tell you all this because one year after my mother died, it's still very hard.  I have learnt a lot about grief from this forum and other peoples stories.  If your friends, family, colleges haven't been through a devastating loss like this, they can't know.  I've been angry a lot at people.  Silently angry.  But I also realise before I went through this I didn't know either what losing a mother was like.  All the secondary losses that happen.  How lost I would feel and alone.  The quiet inner madness that goes on in my head.  The coping mechanisms.  So Whammy2, its going to be hard for a long time.  Visit the forum often, it helps.  Write your feelings down.  We are reading your words.  Very sorry for your loss.

[Whammy2]

On 14/01/2018 at 1:04 AM, sadandlost said:

Dear Whammy2,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I can't give you any advice but I hope this will help you in some way because we all go through it.

My mom died when I was on the train coming home.  As I got off the phone to family member and got off the train, I looked around me because in that moment my whole world changed.  It is still changed one year on.  As I looked around everything looked different.  People were talking, laughing, going about their business like everything was normal.  I looked around and my first thought was, don't they know what's happened?  They were complete strangers in the train station and that was the thought I had.  Completely irrational.  As the week unfolded and I would have to tell people, I took it slowly.  I sent one email per day to inform friends.  The pain was excruciating having to write the words, my mom died. I didn't want to be a member of this club.  As the weeks went on I was amazed by peoples behaviour.  One of my 2 best friends in life for 3 decades never called.  She sent a message by text saying, so sorry.  I thought she would call in a couple of days, she didn't.  Few days later a text came, how are you?  How was I supposed to reply to that?  I'm devastated, I want to die!?? I couldn't say that so I didn't reply.  Few more days go by another,  hope you're ok? text.  Because I'm going to fine after 5 days??  I didn't reply.  Then a demanding text came saying you're ignoring me, I'm oblivious as to what I've done, please enlighten me.  I was stunned.  Not I'm worried about you?  Or can I call you?  or anything.  I waited and braced myself emailed her and told her off.  She replied 10 days later, she ended our 30 yr friendship.  One year later it still shocks me.  People will surprise you.  Others were thoughtful and sent a kind note.  Someone I wasn't close to but recently became friendly with sent beautiful thoughtful condolences.  I was taken aback by their kindness.

I tell you all this because one year after my mother died, it's still very hard.  I have learnt a lot about grief from this forum and other peoples stories.  If your friends, family, colleges haven't been through a devastating loss like this, they can't know.  I've been angry a lot at people.  Silently angry.  But I also realise before I went through this I didn't know either what losing a mother was like.  All the secondary losses that happen.  How lost I would feel and alone.  The quiet inner madness that goes on in my head.  The coping mechanisms.  So Whammy2, its going to be hard for a long time.  Visit the forum often, it helps.  Write your feelings down.  We are reading your words.  Very sorry for your loss.

Thank you so much for your reply.

That's exactly how I felt.. firstly when I found out my mum was terminal and then again when she passed away... How does the world keep going? Even now, it's been almost a month, I still have moments where I can't believe my mum is gone - while everything else just goes on... I see others at the shops.. at the movies.. my mum should be here too. Why didn't everything else stop too?

I'm sorry about your friend.. maybe times like these show who really is there for you. I messaged my friend yesterday actually, telling her what happened and I just told her I needed space. I have another friend too, who doesn't know, and she wants to hang out but I haven't replied, and she kept messaging me.. but I just can't reply to her either. And people just don't get it.

Perhaps something i find really hard too, like you said, is that people just don't understand, and they just can't.. Even adults, much older and more experienced than me, don't know what I'm experiencing .. and that is such a weird thing to comprehend.

None of it's easy to comprehend really. These forums really do help a lot. Thank you again for your reply x

[sadandlost]

You’re welcome Whammy2!

So very raw the first 3 months.  Try to take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you.  It’s going to be hard to grasp for a long time.  I still talk to my mother every day.  I think I always will.  It’s a way of maintaining my relationship with her even though she doesn’t reply.