Members asheridan Posted January 13, 2018 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2018 On December 4th, 2017 I got a call from my dad. The call I'd been apprehensively waiting for the past two years. My brother had passed away. He had overdosed on heroin in his Seattle apartment and hadnt been heard from in two days. Growing up my brother was my best and often only friend. In high school, he began to abuse alcohol that eventually led to drugs. Pills, meth, and after a while, his best friend, heroin. My brother and I both struggled with anxiety disorders and we both found unhealthy ways of coping with it. It seemed to only make us closer. After I graduated high school I began to put the pieces of my life together. This began to drive a bigger and bigger wedge between my brother and I as every time he went to jail, tried to steal from my family or myself, or ended up in the ICU due to an overdose or suicide attempt. I told myself that the closer and closer he flirted with death, it was preparing me for the possibility he would never get better. Eventually, my fears caught up to me as what I had always imagined happend. What was ruled as an accidental heroin overdose, though it left us with the wonder if he had chose this end, my brother's 23 years of life was ended. I am on this forum because after the funeral and general uproar settled, I've been filled with an intense loneliness sometimes overtaken with anger and guilt. I know I must be going through the stages of grief, but I am tired and scared of where this grief js taking me. I am angry at my brother for leaving me, when he was the only one in my life to truly understand my mind. I am angry at myself for abandoning him when I moved on and he still felt trapped. I'm angry I can't speak to my family about what he and I went through together because I would seem a willing accomplice. I feel so guilty I never took the time to make sure he knew I loved him. And even more guilty that sometimes his efforts werent reciprocated my me. And I feel incredibly alone as my mom speaks of feeling him around her all the time, when all I feel is darkness. I am filled with grief I don't know how to process and my anxiety disorder has hit a peak, making even driving and associating with others difficult. I cannot bear to feel this conflict of emotions much longer, and I know something has got to give. I know now why it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted January 13, 2018 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2018 Dear asheridan, I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Please hang on and know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings after such a devastating loss. There are people that care and want to help you. I hope you will consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group. There many resources in the community and through church that could support you through this extremely difficult time. Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ninjamonkey1014 Posted January 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2018 I can certainly relate to this. I have had many similar experiences and my brother also ODed. Sending you love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted January 31, 2018 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2018 Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand the emotions you are going through. I just lost my brother to a heroin overdose and it feels like more than I can bare. I’m just telling myself, do your best to wake up everyday and put tour feet on the floor and do what you can do that day. Even if it’s just getting dressed and putting food in your body. Let the emotions come as they will. The only way to survive and move forward is to honor those emotions. Don’t let them stay stuck inside. Be easy on yourself as much as you can. They know you loved them even if you didn’t get to say or do as much as you would have liked to. I work on forgiveness everyday. For myself, towards my brother and towards those that covered the tracks of his disease and enabled him and did heroin with him. I’m praying for the people that I don’t know about that he must of been with, that they’ll find the help they need. No one deserves to die this kind of death. Remember the three C’s in recovery: I didn’t cause it I can’t cure it I can’t control it God bless. We’re all here for you. You will heal. You’ll never be over it, but emotionally things will change with time as you process your loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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