Dad passed away, and I am having a hard time coping

[Anna S.]

My father passed away on Christmas Eve 2017.  He was diagnosed in August, starting with him feeling under the weather, then ultimately diagnosing him with cancer in his bone marrow and low platelet count.  From there it was four months of ups and downs, he would have good days, then a some bad ones sprinkled in.  They expected him to have a full recovery, and was even scheduled for a bone marrow transplant this month.  Two donors were even lined up.  Literally within a couple of days he declined and the doctors said his body wouldn’t make another chemo treatment and suggested hospice at home or hospital death.  We took him home on December 23, and by midnight that night we were giving him morphine from his comfort kit.  The next day he was unresponsive until he passed at 5:15 pm.  I am still in a state of shock, as this was not supposed to happen, that this was not where my sweet daddy’s journey ended. This was the middle- and the rest of the way was supposed to be good news and healing.   The couple of weeks since have been the hardest of my life and I feel like I am drowning.  What Can I do to help myself?  To stop feeling like this?

[sadandlost]

Dear Anna,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  Please know you won't stop feeling like this for a while.  We are all here because we are struggling to come to terms with our losses.  It takes a long time.  It is still hard for me one year after losing my mom but its different.  You are in shock.  Its impossible to absorb it happened I know.  I felt like that for 3 months after I lost my mom.  Its so raw right now I understand.  Give yourself time to process.  Grief isn't going away.  After a while consider speaking to a grief therapist.  It helps to talk about it.  I bottled it all up for so many months and became deeply depressed before I went to see someone.  I can't say its changed my life because loss is loss, there is no good outcome, but by talking about your feelings it will help.  Use the forum, read other peoples stories and you'll see all the emotions that come with loss, we are all going through it.  It takes a long time to process.  I'm so sorry you've joined the club no one wants to be in.  We are here.  You are not alone.

[reader]

Dear Anna,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is deep. It feels so surreal and in these early days there are so many raw emotions. Please know everything you are feeling and thinking is normal and part of your grief.

It's going to hurt for a long time. Be gentle with yourself. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. If you want consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group. Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support each other. I also found these websites helpful.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

GriefShare

The Grief Recovery Method

Try and be patient and give yourself more time. I know its a lot easier said than done when you are hurting. Because I too was horribly raw after my dad's passing but one year later I find I am doing a bit better. Less raw. Less angry. There are still moments but I try to keep going forward the best I can.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[Malliza]

My dad became an alcohol addict when my elder sister was killed in an accident. This incident changed our lives and our life started becoming a tragedy. My mother was the only one for me and she too died from cancer. This has made me really stressed and I also became addicted to alcohol. Alcohol gave me some strength to tolerate this miserable life.
When I realized that my life is going out of my control, I started using medical marijuana for stress from Toronto. It was really helpful and I came out of stress. I stopped taking alcohol in order to deal with the miseries of life.

[sadandlost]

Dear Malliza,

 I’m so sorry for your losses, your trauma and everything you’ve been through.  It’s really heartbreaking how one terrible loss changes everything and the course of your life.  

[88trees5]

Anna... I know it’s a late response so I hope this finds you well... I just lost my father to - very similar set of circumstances about four days ago...(he had IPF and was going in due to low oxygen. The expectation was that he would be getting a double lung transplant within the month but over night, a few days after he was admitted he took a major decline and was induced into a medical coma in ICU. The doctors expected him to stay that way until the lungs came in but he ended up having multiple organs fail...and an infection among other things. I never expected a man who was recently extremely active to take such a quick nose dive... I never got to speak to him again... he was in I CU 15 days in a coma before hospice was called in and he was given the medication to provide him comfort. It was truly the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced end I don’t know if I will ever feel the same. I just keep thinking this is unreal....but it isn’t.... he should be sitting here relaxing. He literally died a week after he officially retired from almost 39 years of work. I just don’t get it. I definitely think I will need to enroll in grief counseling soon.... I know I need it.