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New to Forum and Missing My Mom


angelawr

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Hi everyone,

I just found this forum after searching for information about grieving. I like to validate where I am in the process and make sure I'm not "crazy." I truly feel like I am crazy sometimes, especially days like today. I miss my mom so much and wish I could call her just to talk. I feel scared about the future and feel very alone. This all despite the fact that I'm fiercely independent, have a great career, wonderful friends.

My mother passed away unexpectedly on February 27, 2010 of natural causes. She was only 60. I'm 38. She was the primary care taker for my grandmother who is 80 and has Alzheimer's. The two people closest to me in my life, who loved me more than life itself are gone or fading away. I've done well considering, but some days I realize I just don't have anyone to really talk to about this. Most people have no idea what it's like and/or I just don't feel comfortable talking to them about it. I feel like I would just be dumping on them.

In all honesty, I haven't felt like talking on the phone much to anyone. Days like today, I realize I have this deep overwhelming sadness that at first I mistake for depression. I feel despondent all day and then one thought brings it all home...I just really miss my mom. I do have happy days and days where I feel great. But, sometimes one little thought, memory, thing I see, etc. can just send me into tears. I'm not married and I have no children so I feel alone without my closest family. I sometimes regret ever getting divorced 10 years ago even though that relationship was abusive simply because I am now without my mom. Not sure why I'm posting other than it would be nice to talk about this with people who don't immediately tell me that grieving means I need therapy or try and shove the "be positive" attitude down my throat.

Sometimes, I just want to know if feeling things like this are normal. To hear from other people like myself. To hear from other people who have made it through this. I already take anti-depressants for anxiety and have for about 5 years and I can't imagine where I'd be without that right now. Probably a big heaping mess! lol I'm often moody, grouchy and less then enthusiastic about things. Some days I just have no motivation to do the things I love. I just try and take it day by day. Let myself feel sad, grieve, take time off from extracurriculars and go for it all when I feel up to it!

UGH! Just ugh...what would have been her 61st birthday was last week and it was painful. I can't imagine the holidays or my upcoming birthday. I want to just hide when the holidays roll around.

Thank you for reading,

Angela

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Hello. I am going to start by saying what you are going through is completely normal. There is no "correct" process for grieving. We all do it in our own ways, and only we understand why.

I lost my mother a year ago August 31. I was 37, she was 58. She was my best friend. I talked to her every day, she was at my house almost every weekend, even sleepovers. She was funny, annoying, generous, naive, beautiful, silly, nosy, paranoid, and quirky. We were complete opposites, she and I. For the past several years our roles reversed, and I became the "mother". Trying to take care of her and guide her. Things in her life were not as they should be. I wanted to protect her, take care of her, save her, give her the life she deserved. As a kid I couldn't stand to be away from her, not even able to do normal girl sleepovers, even as a teen. I always had a feeling of dread when I would leave her. She lived with multiple sclerosis, and I was always afraid I wouldn't be there if the day came where she "lost her legs". She smoked and drank Coca-cola every day. You never saw her without a cigarette or a glass of soda. I can't believe her stomach survived all these years!! lol

We found out she had lung cancer June of 09. It was too late. Stage 4, incurable. I think I had known, I had said to my husband one night that I believed she was going to leave me.

I can recall those couple months in almost perfect detail. But don't ask me what happened yesterday, I wouldn't be able to tell you most of my day.

You say you are alone because you have no husband or children. Even if you did, your grief would still make you feel alone. My husband and I are very close, and he knows me better than I know myself it seems, but he does not know what this feels like. Not yet, and I hope he doesn't have to know for a very long time. He and his dad are very close. This loss is yours, you had your own relationship with your mom, and it is OK to grieve her "alone". Having people to vent to is great. Sure. But ultimately, we are alone, and it is OK.

My children did help me in a way, since they were young and I had to get them through their loss as well. Children aren't as naive as people think they are. I had thought it was a blessing my son was so young, but he knows more than I ever imagined he could. My daughter was amazing, but her grief is hard to witness. My son had just turned 3 and my daughter just turned 6 when my mom passed away.

I have a younger brother, but there is no comfort there. He was the biggest source of her unhappiness.

Our family, my mother's side of the family, had suffered several devastating losses in the past ten years. Including my gram, mom's mom, only a year and a half before.

I am grieving and allowing every emotion to take its course. There are days where I am so angry, angry at her for smoking after years of me begging her to stop. There are days when I am angry at myself for not "saving" her from the life she wanted to be out of, and for not being there for her because of my anger at her for not being stronger. There are days where I am good, happy. There are days where I can talk about her without a bad reaction. There are days where the simple thought of her puts me into an anxiety attack and overhwelming grief. Days I want to scream, hit, cry, run away, stay in bed, and so many other things. I know it is all normal, but I had to read a wonderful book given to me by a cousin in order to realize this.

I am not religious, so the "normal" things like praying, etc don't comfort me. While I do have beliefs of my own, some spiritual, that do comfort me. But this book told me of the stages of grief, and that they are ok. People don't know what to say. I don't know what to say to others when things like this happen. Living day by day as you are doing is the best thing. Accept the feelings you have when they come. But, you also have to honor her by not giving in to the point where you lose yourself. Live, try to enjoy things.

I do things for myself to make me feel close to her. She had a facebook page we opened a couple months before she died. A cousin of mine, her nephew, had taken his own life in April of 09, devastating our family again with the loss of one of ours. She wanted to join his memory page. So I set her up an account. I have not closed it. I use it to talk to her. It makes me feel better. I have the support of a few loved ones on her page who also like to leave her notes and talk to her. A cousin of mine who I am close with wrote a eulogy for my mom but was overcome with grief and couldn't read it at the funeral. She loved my mother, and my mom treated her like she was her daughter. She was able to leave the eulogy on her facebook page recently, and it was beautiful. There are photos for us to enjoy. I don't feel funny talking to her where people I know can see it. This is my way of talking to her. The other day while I was cleaning my daughter's room, a room I often have a hard time being in because of the amount of time my mother spent in there, I was overcome with grief. I broke down, got on my knees and talked to her. Cried, told her things I never got to say. This happens.

See, I can't go to her graveside too often. I am not comfortable, or happy there. I feel a huge weight on my chest, there is something about knowing she is under my feet in the ground that puts me on edge. I know this comforts many for their beliefs, but for me, it is almost unbearable. I don't feel her there. I feel her here, I feel her in my car when I am driving, I feel her when my family is around. My daughter also gets very tense there, and my son seems put off at the idea that she is underground. But she is buried next to her brother in law, and her sister will be buried there as well when she passes. My cousin's ashes are there, with his grandfather, my uncle. She is visited there often, by our family who goes and sees all of them. She would have been happy to be buried there. Her tombstone is beautiful, my daughter picked out the angel holding the baby, a picture my mother adored. We even had her name, Gagam, engraved on the stone for my children. There are flowers there, and she is well taken care of. But for now, I can't be there.

I have her photos everywhere. I want to be sure my kids don't forget her. We talk about her, we cry about losing her. I want my children to know that whatever they are feeling it is OK. My husband also has his moments. Sometimes he feels guilty for not being "nicer" or more helpful to her. Sometimes he just misses her so much and her company he breaks down.

I am sure I am all over the place here. I came across an article today about grief and it led me to find a forum to express myself on. Then I found this one and your post. I wanted to simply tell you that you are not alone. Everything you are going through is normal, and your way of getting through it. I have talked to my cousins, who lost their father, my mom's brother in law, just a few years ago. They tell me that it doesn't get "better", but you learn to live with the feelings and how to deal with them. How could it get better. We lost our mother's. With this, a piece of us was lost. That is just the way it is.

So come here, express yourself. I am sure we will find lots of support and validation for our feelings here. You are not alone. Neither am I.

Karri

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Hi everyone,

I just found this forum after searching for information about grieving. I like to validate where I am in the process and make sure I'm not "crazy." I truly feel like I am crazy sometimes, especially days like today. I miss my mom so much and wish I could call her just to talk. I feel scared about the future and feel very alone. This all despite the fact that I'm fiercely independent, have a great career, wonderful friends.

My mother passed away unexpectedly on February 27, 2010 of natural causes. She was only 60. I'm 38. She was the primary care taker for my grandmother who is 80 and has Alzheimer's. The two people closest to me in my life, who loved me more than life itself are gone or fading away. I've done well considering, but some days I realize I just don't have anyone to really talk to about this. Most people have no idea what it's like and/or I just don't feel comfortable talking to them about it. I feel like I would just be dumping on them.

In all honesty, I haven't felt like talking on the phone much to anyone. Days like today, I realize I have this deep overwhelming sadness that at first I mistake for depression. I feel despondent all day and then one thought brings it all home...I just really miss my mom. I do have happy days and days where I feel great. But, sometimes one little thought, memory, thing I see, etc. can just send me into tears. I'm not married and I have no children so I feel alone without my closest family. I sometimes regret ever getting divorced 10 years ago even though that relationship was abusive simply because I am now without my mom. Not sure why I'm posting other than it would be nice to talk about this with people who don't immediately tell me that grieving means I need therapy or try and shove the "be positive" attitude down my throat.

Sometimes, I just want to know if feeling things like this are normal. To hear from other people like myself. To hear from other people who have made it through this. I already take anti-depressants for anxiety and have for about 5 years and I can't imagine where I'd be without that right now. Probably a big heaping mess! lol I'm often moody, grouchy and less then enthusiastic about things. Some days I just have no motivation to do the things I love. I just try and take it day by day. Let myself feel sad, grieve, take time off from extracurriculars and go for it all when I feel up to it!

UGH! Just ugh...what would have been her 61st birthday was last week and it was painful. I can't imagine the holidays or my upcoming birthday. I want to just hide when the holidays roll around.

Thank you for reading,

Angela

HI Angela,

First off, I am terribly sorry about your loss, but welcome to our forums. You sound perfectly normal to me considering the very short time ago that you lost your dear mom. She sounds like a wonderful, loving person.

There are many people here who have lost their loved ones and have experienced similar things during their grief journey. They will be able to offer you encouragement, support and guideance.

You can come here and don't feel pressured in the least bit to be happy and positive. You be just the way you feel and we accept you as you are. We will be here for you and ready to listen to as little or as much as you want to talk about.

Konnie

P.S. When you are ready, we have a gallery that you should feel free to post pictures of your mother in. We'd love to see her, if you feel up to it.

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Hello. I am going to start by saying what you are going through is completely normal. There is no "correct" process for grieving. We all do it in our own ways, and only we understand why.

I lost my mother a year ago August 31. I was 37, she was 58. She was my best friend. I talked to her every day, she was at my house almost every weekend, even sleepovers. She was funny, annoying, generous, naive, beautiful, silly, nosy, paranoid, and quirky. We were complete opposites, she and I. For the past several years our roles reversed, and I became the "mother". Trying to take care of her and guide her. Things in her life were not as they should be. I wanted to protect her, take care of her, save her, give her the life she deserved. As a kid I couldn't stand to be away from her, not even able to do normal girl sleepovers, even as a teen. I always had a feeling of dread when I would leave her. She lived with multiple sclerosis, and I was always afraid I wouldn't be there if the day came where she "lost her legs". She smoked and drank Coca-cola every day. You never saw her without a cigarette or a glass of soda. I can't believe her stomach survived all these years!! lol

We found out she had lung cancer June of 09. It was too late. Stage 4, incurable. I think I had known, I had said to my husband one night that I believed she was going to leave me.

I can recall those couple months in almost perfect detail. But don't ask me what happened yesterday, I wouldn't be able to tell you most of my day.

You say you are alone because you have no husband or children. Even if you did, your grief would still make you feel alone. My husband and I are very close, and he knows me better than I know myself it seems, but he does not know what this feels like. Not yet, and I hope he doesn't have to know for a very long time. He and his dad are very close. This loss is yours, you had your own relationship with your mom, and it is OK to grieve her "alone". Having people to vent to is great. Sure. But ultimately, we are alone, and it is OK.

My children did help me in a way, since they were young and I had to get them through their loss as well. Children aren't as naive as people think they are. I had thought it was a blessing my son was so young, but he knows more than I ever imagined he could. My daughter was amazing, but her grief is hard to witness. My son had just turned 3 and my daughter just turned 6 when my mom passed away.

I have a younger brother, but there is no comfort there. He was the biggest source of her unhappiness.

Our family, my mother's side of the family, had suffered several devastating losses in the past ten years. Including my gram, mom's mom, only a year and a half before.

I am grieving and allowing every emotion to take its course. There are days where I am so angry, angry at her for smoking after years of me begging her to stop. There are days when I am angry at myself for not "saving" her from the life she wanted to be out of, and for not being there for her because of my anger at her for not being stronger. There are days where I am good, happy. There are days where I can talk about her without a bad reaction. There are days where the simple thought of her puts me into an anxiety attack and overhwelming grief. Days I want to scream, hit, cry, run away, stay in bed, and so many other things. I know it is all normal, but I had to read a wonderful book given to me by a cousin in order to realize this.

I am not religious, so the "normal" things like praying, etc don't comfort me. While I do have beliefs of my own, some spiritual, that do comfort me. But this book told me of the stages of grief, and that they are ok. People don't know what to say. I don't know what to say to others when things like this happen. Living day by day as you are doing is the best thing. Accept the feelings you have when they come. But, you also have to honor her by not giving in to the point where you lose yourself. Live, try to enjoy things.

I do things for myself to make me feel close to her. She had a facebook page we opened a couple months before she died. A cousin of mine, her nephew, had taken his own life in April of 09, devastating our family again with the loss of one of ours. She wanted to join his memory page. So I set her up an account. I have not closed it. I use it to talk to her. It makes me feel better. I have the support of a few loved ones on her page who also like to leave her notes and talk to her. A cousin of mine who I am close with wrote a eulogy for my mom but was overcome with grief and couldn't read it at the funeral. She loved my mother, and my mom treated her like she was her daughter. She was able to leave the eulogy on her facebook page recently, and it was beautiful. There are photos for us to enjoy. I don't feel funny talking to her where people I know can see it. This is my way of talking to her. The other day while I was cleaning my daughter's room, a room I often have a hard time being in because of the amount of time my mother spent in there, I was overcome with grief. I broke down, got on my knees and talked to her. Cried, told her things I never got to say. This happens.

See, I can't go to her graveside too often. I am not comfortable, or happy there. I feel a huge weight on my chest, there is something about knowing she is under my feet in the ground that puts me on edge. I know this comforts many for their beliefs, but for me, it is almost unbearable. I don't feel her there. I feel her here, I feel her in my car when I am driving, I feel her when my family is around. My daughter also gets very tense there, and my son seems put off at the idea that she is underground. But she is buried next to her brother in law, and her sister will be buried there as well when she passes. My cousin's ashes are there, with his grandfather, my uncle. She is visited there often, by our family who goes and sees all of them. She would have been happy to be buried there. Her tombstone is beautiful, my daughter picked out the angel holding the baby, a picture my mother adored. We even had her name, Gagam, engraved on the stone for my children. There are flowers there, and she is well taken care of. But for now, I can't be there.

I have her photos everywhere. I want to be sure my kids don't forget her. We talk about her, we cry about losing her. I want my children to know that whatever they are feeling it is OK. My husband also has his moments. Sometimes he feels guilty for not being "nicer" or more helpful to her. Sometimes he just misses her so much and her company he breaks down.

I am sure I am all over the place here. I came across an article today about grief and it led me to find a forum to express myself on. Then I found this one and your post. I wanted to simply tell you that you are not alone. Everything you are going through is normal, and your way of getting through it. I have talked to my cousins, who lost their father, my mom's brother in law, just a few years ago. They tell me that it doesn't get "better", but you learn to live with the feelings and how to deal with them. How could it get better. We lost our mother's. With this, a piece of us was lost. That is just the way it is.

So come here, express yourself. I am sure we will find lots of support and validation for our feelings here. You are not alone. Neither am I.

Karri

Hi Karri,

I lost my father on August 21 a year ago. I understand about not being able to visit your mother's gravesite; I feel the same way toward's my father's gravesite, and I almost feel guilty about it, but I can't help it.

I wanted to tell you I am so very sorry about your loss, but I also want to extend a heartfelt welcome to our forum. Feel free to post as often as you'd like. We are here for you.

Konnie

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Hi Karri,

Thank you for that - for all of that. It was just beautiful. I can't begin to describe how helpful your post is and how comforting. Almost everything you described has been what I have felt while grieving. I'd be interested in hearing what book you read that helped you. It's so good to hear from others who "get it." Honestly, that helps me to not feel nearly alone in this.

I felt the same way about my mom being buried. I remember the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing my mom would be in the ground when we had to pick out a plot the few days after her death. It was horrifying. Ultimately, we finally figured out what her true wishes were through several of her closest friends that she wanted to be cremated. I can't tell you how much more peace I have because of that. I know it sounds weird, but I know she is at home with my step-dad.

Thank you so much for sharing everything that you did.

Angela

Hello. I am going to start by saying what you are going through is completely normal. There is no "correct" process for grieving. We all do it in our own ways, and only we understand why.

I lost my mother a year ago August 31. I was 37, she was 58. She was my best friend. I talked to her every day, she was at my house almost every weekend, even sleepovers. She was funny, annoying, generous, naive, beautiful, silly, nosy, paranoid, and quirky. We were complete opposites, she and I. For the past several years our roles reversed, and I became the "mother". Trying to take care of her and guide her. Things in her life were not as they should be. I wanted to protect her, take care of her, save her, give her the life she deserved. As a kid I couldn't stand to be away from her, not even able to do normal girl sleepovers, even as a teen. I always had a feeling of dread when I would leave her. She lived with multiple sclerosis, and I was always afraid I wouldn't be there if the day came where she "lost her legs". She smoked and drank Coca-cola every day. You never saw her without a cigarette or a glass of soda. I can't believe her stomach survived all these years!! lol

We found out she had lung cancer June of 09. It was too late. Stage 4, incurable. I think I had known, I had said to my husband one night that I believed she was going to leave me.

I can recall those couple months in almost perfect detail. But don't ask me what happened yesterday, I wouldn't be able to tell you most of my day.

You say you are alone because you have no husband or children. Even if you did, your grief would still make you feel alone. My husband and I are very close, and he knows me better than I know myself it seems, but he does not know what this feels like. Not yet, and I hope he doesn't have to know for a very long time. He and his dad are very close. This loss is yours, you had your own relationship with your mom, and it is OK to grieve her "alone". Having people to vent to is great. Sure. But ultimately, we are alone, and it is OK.

My children did help me in a way, since they were young and I had to get them through their loss as well. Children aren't as naive as people think they are. I had thought it was a blessing my son was so young, but he knows more than I ever imagined he could. My daughter was amazing, but her grief is hard to witness. My son had just turned 3 and my daughter just turned 6 when my mom passed away.

I have a younger brother, but there is no comfort there. He was the biggest source of her unhappiness.

Our family, my mother's side of the family, had suffered several devastating losses in the past ten years. Including my gram, mom's mom, only a year and a half before.

I am grieving and allowing every emotion to take its course. There are days where I am so angry, angry at her for smoking after years of me begging her to stop. There are days when I am angry at myself for not "saving" her from the life she wanted to be out of, and for not being there for her because of my anger at her for not being stronger. There are days where I am good, happy. There are days where I can talk about her without a bad reaction. There are days where the simple thought of her puts me into an anxiety attack and overhwelming grief. Days I want to scream, hit, cry, run away, stay in bed, and so many other things. I know it is all normal, but I had to read a wonderful book given to me by a cousin in order to realize this.

I am not religious, so the "normal" things like praying, etc don't comfort me. While I do have beliefs of my own, some spiritual, that do comfort me. But this book told me of the stages of grief, and that they are ok. People don't know what to say. I don't know what to say to others when things like this happen. Living day by day as you are doing is the best thing. Accept the feelings you have when they come. But, you also have to honor her by not giving in to the point where you lose yourself. Live, try to enjoy things.

I do things for myself to make me feel close to her. She had a facebook page we opened a couple months before she died. A cousin of mine, her nephew, had taken his own life in April of 09, devastating our family again with the loss of one of ours. She wanted to join his memory page. So I set her up an account. I have not closed it. I use it to talk to her. It makes me feel better. I have the support of a few loved ones on her page who also like to leave her notes and talk to her. A cousin of mine who I am close with wrote a eulogy for my mom but was overcome with grief and couldn't read it at the funeral. She loved my mother, and my mom treated her like she was her daughter. She was able to leave the eulogy on her facebook page recently, and it was beautiful. There are photos for us to enjoy. I don't feel funny talking to her where people I know can see it. This is my way of talking to her. The other day while I was cleaning my daughter's room, a room I often have a hard time being in because of the amount of time my mother spent in there, I was overcome with grief. I broke down, got on my knees and talked to her. Cried, told her things I never got to say. This happens.

See, I can't go to her graveside too often. I am not comfortable, or happy there. I feel a huge weight on my chest, there is something about knowing she is under my feet in the ground that puts me on edge. I know this comforts many for their beliefs, but for me, it is almost unbearable. I don't feel her there. I feel her here, I feel her in my car when I am driving, I feel her when my family is around. My daughter also gets very tense there, and my son seems put off at the idea that she is underground. But she is buried next to her brother in law, and her sister will be buried there as well when she passes. My cousin's ashes are there, with his grandfather, my uncle. She is visited there often, by our family who goes and sees all of them. She would have been happy to be buried there. Her tombstone is beautiful, my daughter picked out the angel holding the baby, a picture my mother adored. We even had her name, Gagam, engraved on the stone for my children. There are flowers there, and she is well taken care of. But for now, I can't be there.

I have her photos everywhere. I want to be sure my kids don't forget her. We talk about her, we cry about losing her. I want my children to know that whatever they are feeling it is OK. My husband also has his moments. Sometimes he feels guilty for not being "nicer" or more helpful to her. Sometimes he just misses her so much and her company he breaks down.

I am sure I am all over the place here. I came across an article today about grief and it led me to find a forum to express myself on. Then I found this one and your post. I wanted to simply tell you that you are not alone. Everything you are going through is normal, and your way of getting through it. I have talked to my cousins, who lost their father, my mom's brother in law, just a few years ago. They tell me that it doesn't get "better", but you learn to live with the feelings and how to deal with them. How could it get better. We lost our mother's. With this, a piece of us was lost. That is just the way it is.

So come here, express yourself. I am sure we will find lots of support and validation for our feelings here. You are not alone. Neither am I.

Karri

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Hi Konnie,

Thank you for the warm welcome. My mom was a selfless, generous person who loved to give and help those she loved. It is so incredibly comforting to read "you're normal" and "be just the way you are."

I'm very grateful to have found a place where I can do just that.

Thank you,

Angela

HI Angela,

First off, I am terribly sorry about your loss, but welcome to our forums. You sound perfectly normal to me considering the very short time ago that you lost your dear mom. She sounds like a wonderful, loving person.

There are many people here who have lost their loved ones and have experienced similar things during their grief journey. They will be able to offer you encouragement, support and guideance.

You can come here and don't feel pressured in the least bit to be happy and positive. You be just the way you feel and we accept you as you are. We will be here for you and ready to listen to as little or as much as you want to talk about.

Konnie

P.S. When you are ready, we have a gallery that you should feel free to post pictures of your mother in. We'd love to see her, if you feel up to it.

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Hi Konnie,

Thank you for the warm welcome. My mom was a selfless, generous person who loved to give and help those she loved. It is so incredibly comforting to read "you're normal" and "be just the way you are."

I'm very grateful to have found a place where I can do just that.

Thank you,

Angela

You are welcome Angela. Come back anytime and tell us all about your mother.

ModKonnie

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Karri, that was lovely and you are absolutely right. It is OK to embrace everything you are feeling. My eyes began to water as I read how your mum always had a cigarette and soda in her hand. My dad was exactly the same, he enjoyed cigars, it's all he ever wanted was either a coffee and a cigar or a cola and a cigar.

My dad couldn't eat or drink anything without being sick, but he couldn't not have a coffee or cola, it was one of the things he refused to let go of. So we always let him have those things.

When my father died, on 31st of July, I couldn't believe it. I still can't. My dad and my mother have been separated for a very long time, my mum tells me to just get on with things, she doesn't understand I don't think, which is particulary hard on my sister who lives with her.

But anyway I don't know where I'm going with this, what I mean to say is - a lot of people won't understand, which makes you think you might be crazy or you might need help. That's not the case, in fact that makes the case even more for them not understanding.

All it takes is one thought, one reminder, even the smell of that brand of cigar or cigarette. The same colour car and make driving by, even worse if it has national pride based stickers on it!(I'm from Wales, my dad had many dragon stickers and sheep stickers on his car)

Take everything day by day as it comes, if you feel sad just embrace it and give her a thought, think of something funny she always use to say and be happy that you aren't crazy lol.

Take care

Andy

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