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Michelene

still trying to turn back time

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I am at work having a panic attack--i keep going back to different times I could have intervened and maybe my husband would be alive today. It makes me panicky--I feel like this has to be done quickly! that I have to hurry and stop him from making the wrong move....

It just makes me so sad that he waited so long to go to the hospital. he didn't tell me he was having symptoms, he just kept it to himself. I keep trying to go back in my head and change it all. I'm not even 2 months out since he passed on, but still feeling panicky, mostly in the morning...but now at work. 

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I lost my husband early November. He died  of a heart attack in his sleep. I keep wondering if i woke up earlier.i could’ve changed the outcome. It’s so hard. After i have a panic attack, i get sad, then i get mad and then i start questioning my relationship, which is stupid, i know but nothing in this makes sense. 

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Oh, Lisaislost, I did that too--did he love me, did we have a good marriage, and so on and so on. but you know, the strongest feeling i have is the joy i would get just from seeing him, and doing little things for him, and making him laugh. I can't deny that joy...but yes, i did a lot of that, too. And still do. I am keeping a journal of things (good) that I remember. And sometimes I talk out loud to him and tell him what I should have said at certain times, what I meant...what he meant to me. 

My priest told me I should stop looking back, because my husband has gone on ahead. And then THAT makes me mad, that he left me behind. 

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Dear Michelene,

thank you for telling me that about your doubts. My friends and family think I’m crazy to question our relationship. If i could stop the irrational thoughts i would. My therapist also believes I am trying to stay in the past. 

My sil , my rock, had me write down 10 things i loved about my husband. Then 10 reasons why he loved me. She said when doubt creeps in, just keep reading the lists. I’m trying my best to do it but i tell you, as i drift off to sleep, that’s when these thoughts enter my head. 

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One of my counselors told me perhaps I am trying to denigrate the relationship so it doesn't hurt so much that my husband is gone

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That makes sense.  I don't think it'd have the desired effect though.

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