Cannot grieve for my father

[Yvette Coetzee]

My father died on 13/12/2017.  When I received the news, I cried.  Afterwards I cried maybe twice for a few seconds.  I think of him everyday though.  The problem is I feel so guilty that I am not grieving for him.  My father was a really difficult person who made life unbearable for me and my siblings (mostly me), as well as my mom.  Whenever I think of my dad I think of the day he told me that no matter what I achieve in my life, he will never be proud of me.  That's what I had to put up with ever since I can remember.  Don't get me wrong, he was my father and I would have cared for him if he had gotten sick in my home.  I loved him no matter what and I did forgive him many words he said to me.  I just cannot grieve for him.  I don't know if its because maybe I have not fully realized that he is gone forever, or am I just a heartless daughter?  This is really getting to me.  I cry because I cannot cry for my deceased father, and that's that.  am I an evil person?