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I am so angry at my husband right now--for not doing the right things, for not taking care of his health, for ignoring all the things I told him to do. Just angry. Now I am all alone. He always used to push things to the limit, and we'd end up in the emergency room taking care of things he let get out of control. So angry!  How could he not know he was having a heart attack when I told him so many times his lifestyle and eating habits were going to make him a heart attack victim! I am so mad and so mad and so mad. I am mad at myself, too, for not "making" him get tested for heart disease, but I thought the doctor WAS doing tests--He was 47 and 50 pounds overweight and came from a family with a history of heart disease. Why wouldn't the doctor test him? I don't get it. Why wouldn't he ask for tests that checked out his heart? I am so mad and so alone now. Today is a mad day for me. Which is different. 

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Being upset and being angry is OK.  There will be a phase where you will feel like this.  And you will feel like you want to blame everyone in the world, including yourself.   After being angry, you will feel a tad bit better...... but don't worry about that right now.      Sometimes when we're angry, it helps to let out steam by penning up our thoughts, our anger, and our emotions.  You can do that in a private journal, or come online here to write what you want us to see.

 

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I just posted in another thread that I have reached a rage-filled stage of all of this. There has been so much sadness and cruelty since Lauri's death. I have found a place where I am allowed to cut down trees. These are not valuable trees and would be cut down anyway. I get out there and cut down trees with an axe. Yes, it is exhausting but it actually helps me to express these very raw and overwhelming emotions. Once I am exhausted I typically sit down and cry. Things are better.

 

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I once bought a punching bag and hung it in my garage...a good way to relieve some of that anger-filled stress we can feel.  Good to feel and eventually let go of.  Right now it's your time to feel it.  We have to feel and experience all of these emotions of hurt and pain in order to process them and get through them.

Be angriest at the doctor, he's the one who should have known, has been trained and educated to help us, and should have gotten tests.  I went through the same thing with George.  He'd lost 55 pounds, looked the picture of health, cut back on his smoking 90%, was trying to quit...he too had a family history of heart disease, but his doctor never sent him for tests.  I don't get that.  I've had to let that go, he alone has to answer for it.  I did make an appointment and talk to him about it and extracted a promise from him to never let this happen to any of his patients again.  And I got a stress test for myself, at my husband's request on his deathbed.

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19 hours ago, Michelene said:

I am so angry at my husband right now--for not doing the right things, for not taking care of his health, for ignoring all the things I told him to do. Just angry. Now I am all alone. He always used to push things to the limit, and we'd end up in the emergency room taking care of things he let get out of control. So angry!  How could he not know he was having a heart attack when I told him so many times his lifestyle and eating habits were going to make him a heart attack victim! I am so mad and so mad and so mad. I am mad at myself, too, for not "making" him get tested for heart disease, but I thought the doctor WAS doing tests--He was 47 and 50 pounds overweight and came from a family with a history of heart disease. Why wouldn't the doctor test him? I don't get it. Why wouldn't he ask for tests that checked out his heart? I am so mad and so alone now. Today is a mad day for me. Which is different. 

I'm so sorry for your loss and know your pain.   It's understandable that you are angry and unfortunately when something bad happens, people automatically look for someone to blame?  I too wanted to blame myself, my husband,  the surgeon or the hospitals and staff that cared for my husband and sometimes we want to lay blame where there wasn’t any. When something tragic happens, we automatically think there has to be a culprit, there has to be a well-defined reason, there has to be something that could have been done that would have avoided the end result?

We are not in control of every minute detail of our lives. My Charles too was overweight, had heart disease and other health problems but was under a doctor's care and I saw to it that he never missed any of his appointments.  The day before he passed, we had gone to the doctor and had gotten a clean bill of health and I was pretty happy about that; less than 24 hours, he was gone.    We can’t account for every circumstance, every decision made by someone else, but God will lead us down every path. Yes, there are times when life is cut short by poor decisions, but trust me…God can override poor decisions.

I know tragedy happens.  The one thing that makes this blame game even harder on a grieving widow is the fact that we are already dealing with guilt…mind-numbing, all-consuming guilt.  To this day, I continue to go over every "What-If" scenario I can think of when it comes to what I could have done differently for my Charles; and I'm beginning to believe that nothing I could have done would have had a different outcome.  It is a battle that has me running to the Lord over and over again.

You certainly deserve your "MAD" day; but remember while everyday may not be good, there's good in everyday.  Know that you are in my prayers and I ask God to give you Hope, Strength and Peace to make it through the most darkest season in your life.  Hope that it will get better, Strength to hold on until it does, and Peace to sooth your heart and soul.

 

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Thank you, Francine, for this response. It helps a lot. I look for one good thing every day now, and write it on my calendar at the end of the day. Yesterday I had 2. 

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20 hours ago, Michelene said:

Thank you, Francine, for this response. It helps a lot. I look for one good thing every day now, and write it on my calendar at the end of the day. Yesterday I had 2. 

I started that practice on day 11 and it truly made a huge difference!

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