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Donna Marie

How do I carry on now my soulmate is gone

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My husband was ripped from me on January 4th and I don' know if I can do this without him. I know I sound selfish as we have a 10 year old son.My son watched me pound on his daddy' chest begging him to not leave me in our bedroom I'm devastated that that's his last image of his daddy. My JJ was only 46, we wasn't supposed to be doing this, we were supposed to grow old together. We had his calling hours Sunday and his service yesterday but of course living in CNY I can't bury him till spring due to the snow and permafrost. I just don' know what to do. Did he hear me scream for him to stay, Did he hear me tell him I love him and always Will? My heart s broke and I don' know anything anymore.

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I'm sorry for you and your son's loss. Please know that this is a moment to moment process. Also,  you're not selfish. Your hurt along with your son's hurt are both valid. I know what it's like to have to capture the final memory that way. This is not an easy road and we all grieve and heal differently. Allow yourself the time you need to get through. Except every feeling, cry as much as you need. Scream when you have to. Yes,  it does seem like it's impossible to go on,  even when you have kids.  Please post as often as you need to.  This has been a life saver for me sometimes. I'm praying for you and your son. 

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Donna Marie,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can feel your pain.  I remember at this stage I was busy with moving back my husband to USA and arranging the funeral with the help of my family and his family. Try to talk to your friends, neighbors or co-workers and cry as much as you need.  Probably need to increase the budget to go out to eat with your kid. I believe your husband knows you love him so much because love never dies.

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21 hours ago, Donna Marie said:

My husband was ripped from me on January 4th and I don' know if I can do this without him. I know I sound selfish as we have a 10 year old son.My son watched me pound on his daddy' chest begging him to not leave me in our bedroom I'm devastated that that's his last image of his daddy. My JJ was only 46, we wasn't supposed to be doing this, we were supposed to grow old together. We had his calling hours Sunday and his service yesterday but of course living in CNY I can't bury him till spring due to the snow and permafrost. I just don' know what to do. Did he hear me scream for him to stay, Did he hear me tell him I love him and always Will? My heart s broke and I don' know anything anymore.

Donna, I'm so terribly sorry you lost your husband. And it's not even a week for you, everything will still be so raw and shocking now. Even for me, after six months, I have moments that I feel shocked. Anyway, your husband will know you love him, no doubt about that.and your love lasts forever.  And for your son,  remembering how I was at 10 years,  kids are strong but so vulnerable too, assure him that you and him will be okay together. Talk with him whenever you can and when you are able, maybe do a few little things together. And take care of yourself, it's so important right now. I really feel for your pain, and send love.

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Donna,

I'm so sorry.  I lost my husband to a heart attack, he'd just turned 51.  Hang in there, it's only been a week, it's so raw in the beginning, we feel we can't do it.  You can.  You need to be here for your son, he can't lose you both.  Pretty much anything and everything one can feel is normal in grief.  Right now it's probably hard for you to assimilate anything, so I hope you'll print and read this periodically because in the early days/months we have grief fog, it's hard to even think, clarity of mind is out to lunch for most of us for some time.

I wrote this article based on my twelve year journey following my loss of my husband, I hope there's even one thing you can take from it that can be of help to you in your journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 09/01/2018 at 5:04 PM, Donna Marie said:

My husband was ripped from me on January 4th and I don' know if I can do this without him. I know I sound selfish as we have a 10 year old son.My son watched me pound on his daddy' chest begging him to not leave me in our bedroom I'm devastated that that's his last image of his daddy. My JJ was only 46, we wasn't supposed to be doing this, we were supposed to grow old together. We had his calling hours Sunday and his service yesterday but of course living in CNY I can't bury him till spring due to the snow and permafrost. I just don' know what to do. Did he hear me scream for him to stay, Did he hear me tell him I love him and always Will? My heart s broke and I don' know anything anymore.

Oh Donna Marie.  I wish there was something I could say to ease what you're feeling.  All I can do is tell you what the doctor told me when Clive was dying.  She said that although he seemed unconscious he could still hear everything, so I'm sure that your husband heard you telling him that you love him.

When everything seems impossible just hold on to the fact that the last thing he heard was your voice saying words of love.  He knew it anyway  but it may be a comfort to you, later on, that you were able to tell him. 

 

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21 hours ago, Donna Marie said:

My husband was ripped from me on January 4th and I don' know if I can do this without him. I know I sound selfish as we have a 10 year old son.My son watched me pound on his daddy' chest begging him to not leave me in our bedroom I'm devastated that that's his last image of his daddy. My JJ was only 46, we wasn't supposed to be doing this, we were supposed to grow old together. We had his calling hours Sunday and his service yesterday but of course living in CNY I can't bury him till spring due to the snow and permafrost. I just don' know what to do. Did he hear me scream for him to stay, Did he hear me tell him I love him and always Will? My heart s broke and I don' know anything anymore.

I am so sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing only too well.  I lost my Charles of 45 years to a heart attack and the image of the paramedic pounding on his chest brings back haunting images and memories.  It felt like it was only yesterday; I was in a daze and my world fell to pieces and while I was literally in pieces, everything and everyone around me carried on with their lives.  But how could that be?  How could the birds continue to sing? How could people carry on loving this life?  It was like life had frozen in time and I was watching it through a movie lens; only this movie had a very, very sad ending.  I didn't get a chance to live happily ever after.   As the weeks and months rolled by, life becomes more real again, but you never ever forget when in that moment in time, the world stood still. 

I feel you, when my Charles left this earth, I too felt I just didn't know anything and this penetrating feeling that all I knew in the world was not right.  And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fix it, mend it, or even cry it away. No matter how many years go by, the ache remains. And rightfully so; it doesn't get any easier to live without a huge piece of my heart; it doesn’t get easier to walk this earth without your husband; it doesn’t get easier to breathe while choking on air; it doesn’t get easier to try to make new friends when you don’t have normal answers to normal questions anymore; it doesn’t get easier to try to live in the present moment while half of you is missing.  It doesn’t get easier, but it becomes different— softer, at times– louder at other times. It’s like a storm. You can’t predict when it’s coming, and you can’t predict whether you’ll be able to find shelter or not. You can’t predict whether you’ll even survive. You just hold your breath, brace yourself for the impact, and hope you can find some solid ground.  And while you never get over it, in time, the pain lesson somewhat and the hurt is not so sharp, but always there.   And while this is perhaps the darkest chapter in your life; remember all that matters is not the first but the last chapter of your life which shows how well we run the race. 

I hope you continue to post here; we are like family trying to support one another as we travel this very dark journey.  Know that you in my prayers and that God gives you the Hope, Strength, and Peace to make it through;  Hope that it will get better; Strength to hold on until it does; and Peace to ease your mind and soul.

 

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Thank you for sharing you story and your love, Charles sounds like a lovely man and you were blessed . I will carry on posting . Take care and God bless 

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Donna Marie sorry for you loss. I to loss my husband in December 6, 2017 he passed away at a local nursing home in his sleep from cardiac arrest. He had a cardiac arrest at home was in rehab to get off the trach tube and feeding tube . He was doing well with learning to eat soft foods and breaking on his own for a few hours at a time. He was on oxygen at night. That was the first thing I asked the nurse when I got the dreadful call if he was on oxygen and he was. My husband was only 58 years old we were married for 32 years I am in shock that he is gone. Today I went grocery shopping I started to cry , because that was the first time going shopping in knowing him he won't be home. He was suppose to be home before Christmas

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Donna Marie, I am so so sorry for your loss of your JJ.

It's already been said by others but definately give yourself permission to feel everything. No matter how dark. Suicidal thoughts too. Think it, feel it, share your feelings and do whatever you need to do to keep your head above water. You are not selfish, you are clearly still thinking of your son but your grief is overwhelming you and that is not your fault.

I too did not feel I could carry on and it was a dominating thought and feeling that became unbearable and the urge to end it all become too strong. I think this is the same for many here too. I went to my Dr. I talked and got prescribed antidepressants. Which did not stop/prevent me from grieving but did stop me from drowning and better enabled me to talk. I'm not saying this is the right thing for everyone. Just an option for the survival tool box.

Keep talking, keep posting. Be kind to yourself. Great advice given about increasing your budget if you can and eating out etc...even though YOU are not selfish...Now is the time to BE selfish and do whatever you can do to make things less hassle for you. My thoughts are with you. *hugs to you* 

 

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6 hours ago, Carrots said:

Donna Marie, I am so so sorry for your loss of your JJ.

It's already been said by others but definately give yourself permission to feel everything. No matter how dark. Suicidal thoughts too. Think it, feel it, share your feelings and do whatever you need to do to keep your head above water. You are not selfish, you are clearly still thinking of your son but your grief is overwhelming you and that is not your fault.

I too did not feel I could carry on and it was a dominating thought and feeling that became unbearable and the urge to end it all become too strong. I think this is the same for many here too. I went to my Dr. I talked and got prescribed antidepressants. Which did not stop/prevent me from grieving but did stop me from drowning and better enabled me to talk. I'm not saying this is the right thing for everyone. Just an option for the survival tool box.

Keep talking, keep posting. Be kind to yourself. Great advice given about increasing your budget if you can and eating out etc...even though YOU are not selfish...Now is the time to BE selfish and do whatever you can do to make things less hassle for you. My thoughts are with you. *hugs to you* 

 

Thank you , I just can' believe JJ is gone. This time last week he was kissing me bye as he left for work we were supposed to be going out with his cousins for dinner that night and instead they sat in the relatives room hearing the Dr say to my 10 year old and myself "it' not worth our time to continue to work on him" who says that for the love of God who says that whilst the look at a 10 year old child that's in shock?. My family feel helpless because I left them and everything I had in England to e with JJ in the USA. I sat here yesterday and cried my my family because noone thinks of the in laws my mum lost her son in law my nieces and nephews an Uncle etc and my heart aches for them, but because we do stuff so fast over here they couldn't get to us. I pray you find some peace in this terrible journey we are travelling.  

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11 hours ago, Tammys50 said:

Donna Marie sorry for you loss. I to loss my husband in December 6, 2017 he passed away at a local nursing home in his sleep from cardiac arrest. He had a cardiac arrest at home was in rehab to get off the trach tube and feeding tube . He was doing well with learning to eat soft foods and breaking on his own for a few hours at a time. He was on oxygen at night. That was the first thing I asked the nurse when I got the dreadful call if he was on oxygen and he was. My husband was only 58 years old we were married for 32 years I am in shock that he is gone. Today I went grocery shopping I started to cry , because that was the first time going shopping in knowing him he won't be home. He was suppose to be home before Christmas

Life is so unfair isn't it? I'm dreading leaving my house. My boss said take your time and we are here for you but I know I have to go back at som point. It' strange because the day before JJ died I promised him I would be home more that I would cut my hours down. Well I guess he got his wish because by him dying I have had a revelation and I know I worked to much but now I have to be here for my boys and my ma. I pray for you during this truamatic period for you. Stay strong x

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8 hours ago, Donna Marie said:

Thank you , I just can' believe JJ is gone. This time last week he was kissing me bye as he left for work we were supposed to be going out with his cousins for dinner that night and instead they sat in the relatives room hearing the Dr say to my 10 year old and myself "it' not worth our time to continue to work on him" who says that for the love of God who says that whilst the look at a 10 year old child that's in shock?. My family feel helpless because I left them and everything I had in England to e with JJ in the USA. I sat here yesterday and cried my my family because noone thinks of the in laws my mum lost her son in law my nieces and nephews an Uncle etc and my heart aches for them, but because we do stuff so fast over here they couldn't get to us. I pray you find some peace in this terrible journey we are 

8 hours ago, Donna Marie said:

Thank you , I just can' believe JJ is gone. This time last week he was kissing me bye as he left for work we were supposed to be going out with his cousins for dinner that night and instead they sat in the relatives room hearing the Dr say to my 10 year old and myself "it' not worth our time to continue to work on him" who says that for the love of God who says that whilst the look at a 10 year old child that's in shock?. My family feel helpless because I left them and everything I had in England to e with JJ in the USA. I sat here yesterday and cried my my family because noone thinks of the in laws my mum lost her son in law my nieces and nephews an Uncle etc and my heart aches for them, but because we do stuff so fast over here they couldn't get to us. I pray you find some peace in this terrible journey we are travelling.  

I am so sorry for this terrible pain you are feeling and what you have gone through.

I was thinking about you and your son today. When I first lost my Chris last April, those first few weeks were so exhausting and overwhelming, I remember feeling that the responsibility of also being a parent was just too much on top of it all. I even questioned whether my kids would be better off without me. Which NO, they would not ever be. So I hope no matter what thoughts and feelings you have, you hold onto the fact that your son DOES and WILL need you and he will never be better off without you. It is so so terrible what you have both experienced.

In time, I hope for you that your memories of the good times and the love you had will also give you some comfort.

Also, for me, that feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to parent did shift to a point where now it is my daughters that keep me going, give me energy, focus and strength. In the very beginning, it did not feel like that! I resented at times having that responsibility! 

I found some books to support children who have lost a loved one. I ordered these for my girls a while ago and liked them. 

https://www.amazon.com/Heart-Bottle-Oliver-Jeffers/product-reviews/0399254528

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/reviews/1869890582/ref=cm_cr_dp_mb_top?ie=UTF8

Sending you love and light. My thoughts are with you. 

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15 hours ago, Carrots said:

 

Donna Marie...I am so sorry, dear heart. Your heart has been ripped out of your body, and breathing doesn't seem right, when your beloved cannot. I am only 3 weeks out from losing my young husband to a hideous cancer...I hate it that I am still breathing...living seems a punishment to me. I have only just found this site, and have found everyone here to be extraordinarily kind and supportive. Blessings to you my sister, as we all walk this dark path. Xx

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Wow, hard to fathom a doctor saying that to his wife and son!  He should be reported, he needs to learn more appropriate wording, good heavens!

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