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Oz girl

Young widow...I have just lost the love of my life

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I am here because I don't know where else to go. My husband,  the light of my life, my sun and moon, passed away after two and a half years of fighting an aggressive and rare cancer.  He was only 47. And he passed away 9 DAYS after we got married.  In what universe should a new bride have to pick out her husband's coffin as a wedding present? I buried him 1 week ago...all I want is to lie in the coffin with him...NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE.

We were inseparable,  as we fought side by side to combat this hideous disease.  I was his carer for all of that time,  only to see in take him,  bit by bit.  I FAILED HIM!!  And now I am abandoned,  left alone with the love I have for my amazing, beautiful, strong, kind and handsome man, that I am totally in love with, am besotted with, adore! My husband, my best friend!!

He wanted so much to be a daddy,  and we were going to try for a family... what do I do now...we had so many dreams, so many plans..he was larger than life,  a soldier,  an adventurer,  a sportsman,  a world traveler.. he was the most vibrant man I have ever met.. how the hell did we get here...HOW CAN HE BE GONE FROM ME??!! All I wanted was to grow with him, my beautiful man...now all I want us to die as quickly as possible, so I can be with him!

And...God?? GOD. DOES. NOT. EXIST.

Why am I still here..how can I feel this pain and still be breathing..when all I want is to STOP! I cannot be on this earth without him!!

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I am so sorry for your loss, you're right, no newlywed should have to do that, yet we have someone else on this site that lost his wife on their honeymoon, in their 20s.

You didn't fail your husband, quite the contrary, you were there for him through it all, you made a difference to him!  It's not in our control or ability to be able to save them from death, that's something we think we should be able to do, but it's not within our grasp no matter how much we love them.  You have the really rough part, the trying to survive, that is the truly difficult task, but we do it, little by little, one day at a time.  I hope you continue to come here, it helps, we all go through this together.

It's been 12 1/2 years since I lost my husband, I felt as you did, my faith shaken (that's okay, it's normal in grief), wanting to die.  I've written this article based on what I've learned in my twelve year journey, I hope even one of these "tips" is of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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9 hours ago, Oz girl said:

I am here because I don't know where else to go. My husband,  the light of my life, my sun and moon, passed away after two and a half years of fighting an aggressive and rare cancer.  He was only 47. And he passed away 9 DAYS after we got married.  In what universe should a new bride have to pick out her husband's coffin as a wedding present? I buried him 1 week ago...all I want is to lie in the coffin with him...NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE.

We were inseparable,  as we fought side by side to combat this hideous disease.  I was his carer for all of that time,  only to see in take him,  bit by bit.  I FAILED HIM!!  And now I am abandoned,  left alone with the love I have for my amazing, beautiful, strong, kind and handsome man, that I am totally in love with, am besotted with, adore! My husband, my best friend!!

He wanted so much to be a daddy,  and we were going to try for a family... what do I do now...we had so many dreams, so many plans..he was larger than life,  a soldier,  an adventurer,  a sportsman,  a world traveler.. he was the most vibrant man I have ever met.. how the hell did we get here...HOW CAN HE BE GONE FROM ME??!! All I wanted was to grow with him, my beautiful man...now all I want us to die as quickly as possible, so I can be with him!

And...God?? GOD. DOES. NOT. EXIST.

Why am I still here..how can I feel this pain and still be breathing..when all I want is to STOP! I cannot be on this earth without him!!

OZ Girl.  I am so sorry to hear about this. My heart truly goes out to you during this terrible time.   I know, when we lose the  love of our life, we have so many questions that will follow.  What do I do now?  How did this happen?  How can I ever carry on?  Why such terrible and cruel things happen?    There are no answers to any of your very legitimate questions.    Life is cruel.. and life is not fair.   We can be on the top of a mountain but in one second, we can be pulled down into the dirt.  That's how things are.  And I do feel your pain... it is just so not fair!

Your post was very aw-striking and your love for your husband is very apparent.  Though, the pain is just as large and intense.  Although your marriage was short, I am glad that you you got to be his wife. And I am sure he was delighted to be able to spend his life with you as his wife.   I don't think believe that you failed him.  I think you did all that you could do.  There are just some things in our life that we have no control over ..... death is one of them.

I know it's very difficult for you at this very moment, and going into the upcoming weeks and months, things will change and at times, be more intense.  There's really not much we can do but to face the grief.  At times, it will be delibitating.      Know that everyone here understands you, have gone through what you are going through, and most of us are still in pain ourselves so we have every bit of an idea what you are feeling.     Just know that when everything seems like its crumbling before your eyes, just know that we are still here for you. 

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I feel so much sadness every time I see a post on this forum.

I'm sorry for your loss, for all of our losses.

I feel the same way you do -- he died in November, a month before he was going to propose actually, and I've lost him. I wanted nothing more than to die to be with him at first, but I've found that my memories and his love sustains me. It will never be the same; I will always carry this pain, but now I can tell my story to strangers without breaking down. I don't know why that is. I think it's because I believe he still exists.

There are no words to express how terrible this is, and I know my words might not be comforting...nobody's are. I'm thinking of you, holding you in my thoughts, holding all of us in them, as the beginning of this new year should not be like this.

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2 minutes ago, lovingstill said:

I feel so much sadness every time I see a post on this forum.

I'm sorry for your loss, for all of our losses.

I feel the same way you do -- he died in November, a month before he was going to propose actually, and I've lost him. I wanted nothing more than to die to be with him at first, but I've found that my memories and his love sustains me. It will never be the same; I will always carry this pain, but now I can tell my story to strangers without breaking down. I don't know why that is. I think it's because I believe he still exists.

There are no words to express how terrible this is, and I know my words might not be comforting...nobody's are. I'm thinking of you, holding you in my thoughts, holding all of us in them, as the beginning of this new year should not be like this.

Beautiful post there.   Our loved ones are here with us, I know they are.  But you are absolutely correct.  There are no words to describe this terrible journey we have embarked on.  Things are so complex, the feelings are so intense, and the thoughts are so troubling.... We cannot possibly express how we feel day in and day out.  There are not enough words in our language for that.  The only ones who can truly experience our pain are the ones here.

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I joined an online grief support video chat group via Campfire. It's completely free and something I thought other people around our age might be doing. I start next week. I'll give you all feedback on how it goes.

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18 hours ago, Oz girl said:

And...God?? GOD. DOES. NOT. EXIST.

Yes he does not exist, at-least not for me. After loosing my husband I have no faith on God so yes I am totally agree with you, HE DOES NOT EXIST.

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On ‎1‎/‎9‎/‎2018 at 8:52 AM, Oz girl said:

I am here because I don't know where else to go. My husband,  the light of my life, my sun and moon, passed away after two and a half years of fighting an aggressive and rare cancer.  He was only 47. And he passed away 9 DAYS after we got married.  In what universe should a new bride have to pick out her husband's coffin as a wedding present? I buried him 1 week ago...all I want is to lie in the coffin with him...NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE.

We were inseparable,  as we fought side by side to combat this hideous disease.  I was his carer for all of that time,  only to see in take him,  bit by bit.  I FAILED HIM!!  And now I am abandoned,  left alone with the love I have for my amazing, beautiful, strong, kind and handsome man, that I am totally in love with, am besotted with, adore! My husband, my best friend!!

He wanted so much to be a daddy,  and we were going to try for a family... what do I do now...we had so many dreams, so many plans..he was larger than life,  a soldier,  an adventurer,  a sportsman,  a world traveler.. he was the most vibrant man I have ever met.. how the hell did we get here...HOW CAN HE BE GONE FROM ME??!! All I wanted was to grow with him, my beautiful man...now all I want us to die as quickly as possible, so I can be with him!

And...God?? GOD. DOES. NOT. EXIST.

Why am I still here..how can I feel this pain and still be breathing..when all I want is to STOP! I cannot be on this earth without him!!

OZ Girl,

I understand where you're coming from, and for what it is worth, I am truly sorry. My wife, Lauri, died five days after we were married. I still get angry and overwhelmed when I think about the insanity of it all. She was not sick and her death was completely unexpected. Needless to say, being overwhelmed, crippled by the immense sadness and a sense of being lost is what we go through no matter how we lose them.

Lauri left us on September 14, 2017. I could not function at all for about a month. I had to have family or friends with me to make me eat and to do most things a normal person would do. Now I am in a haze but I am leaning forward and am able to work (although it takes more energy than ever to get even menial tasks done).

My point is that we all know how unfair and overwhelming it is to have the rug pulled out from underneath us. The pain is unbearable, relentless and never ending. Lately, I have foundthat I have a rage that accompanies my pain. I did not want this rage to come out in a bad way so I found a place I was allowed to be alone and chop down trees with an axe. I have downed 5 trees and, believe it or not, it keeps me safe. The pain will be different as time goes on. For me, I HAD to believe in God to seek comfort that no one else could provide. I am not saying anyone has to do this only that I was desperate and loss and needed something more to show me some sort of path. This has helped me but there is no cure.   

Please keep coming back.

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Hugs to all who have posted here.  We all know......  Things in life can be unexpected, and in our case, f**ked up.  There's not much more to say except that we now have to bear this pain, torture, and live in a nightmare for the rest of our lives.  

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Hello to everyone who has opened their hearts to me and shared their pain in empathy and support. In a world full of pain, it has given me some small solace to know I am not alone in this agony. I would like to thank all of you...I just feel dead inside. I have absolutely no idea what I should be doing..he passed 3 weeks today. 21 December 2017.  My mantlepiece has a crazy combination of cards...Wedding, Get Well, Christmas...and Sympathy ones. All inside 3 weeks. No wonder I feel like I'm going insane. My profound respect and love goes out to each one of you..that you feel the desire to comfort someone in your own pain means so much. That, unlike other well meaning people who say it...you actually do know how I feel. Our worlds have imploded. Thank you. Xx

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I absolutely know how you feel.  The grief is very demanding in the early days and months. There’s not much that can be done other than to face the grief and take on the pain. It will be intense and at some point you will get emotionally drained and exhausted. There will be a day when things get easier, but not necessarily better.  I am there now after what feels like a lifetime of struggle. I can only imagine how things will feel after a year. I don’t think it gets better, it will never be better because our partner is not here.  Now at the 6 month mark, the waves of grief are less in intensity and duration. But boy, the overwhelming sadness of accepting reality and what my life is so so sad.  Just because I am no longer distraught doesn’t make things better. It’s just another level and layer of grief to bare. My heart goes out to everyone here. All I can say is that I’m f**ked. 

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13 hours ago, Paluka said:

OZ Girl,

I understand where you're coming from, and for what it is worth, I am truly sorry. My wife, Lauri, died five days after we were married. I still get angry and overwhelmed when I think about the insanity of it all. She was not sick and her death was completely unexpected. Needless to say, being overwhelmed, crippled by the immense sadness and a sense of being lost is what we go through no matter how we lose them.

Lauri left us on September 14, 2017. I could not function at all for about a month. I had to have family or friends with me to make me eat and to do most things a normal person would do. Now I am in a haze but I am leaning forward and am able to work (although it takes more energy than ever to get even menial tasks done).

My point is that we all know how unfair and overwhelming it is to have the rug pulled out from underneath us. The pain is unbearable, relentless and never ending. Lately, I have foundthat I have a rage that accompanies my pain. I did not want this rage to come out in a bad way so I found a place I was allowed to be alone and chop down trees with an axe. I have downed 5 trees and, believe it or not, it keeps me safe. The pain will be different as time goes on. For me, I HAD to believe in God to seek comfort that no one else could provide. I am not saying anyone has to do this only that I was desperate and loss and needed something more to show me some sort of path. This has helped me but there is no cure.   

Please keep coming back.

Hello Paluka.

Devasted to hear your story. I admire your ability to still believe in God...for me was not the sudden loss...it was watching my beloved waste away, his spirit to fight still so strong even as his body failed. I wonder what kind of God would allow this...I prayed constantly. The only conclusion is that there is no god. And if there is, what a hideous, cruel sadistic b*****d he is..why would I want to pray to that anyway??

I think that losing someone young is different from when a couple, after many years together, has to one day face the inevitable. You and me...Our lives with our beloved was just starting..children, travel, growing old together...all gone. So what the hell are we supposed to do now, when the only person we want, the only.person who can make the pain go away, is the one person we have lost? Who are we now..? Are we still married? Are you a husband, am I a wife?? We didn't even get to be newlyweds, and grow into our new roles...are we widower, and widow?? WHO ARE WE WITHOUT THEM?

Many hugs.

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2 minutes ago, Oz girl said:

Hello Paluka.

Devasted to hear your story. I admire your ability to still believe in God...for me was not the sudden loss...it was watching my beloved waste away, his spirit to fight still so strong even as his body failed. I wonder what kind of God would allow this...I prayed constantly. The only conclusion is that there is no god. And if there is, what a hideous, cruel sadistic b*****d he is..why would I want to pray to that anyway??

I think that losing someone young is different from when a couple, after many years together, has to one day face the inevitable. You and me...Our lives with our beloved was just starting..children, travel, growing old together...all gone. So what the hell are we supposed to do now, when the only person we want, the only.person who can make the pain go away, is the one person we have lost? Who are we now..? Are we still married? Are you a husband, am I a wife?? We didn't even get to be newlyweds, and grow into our new roles...are we widower, and widow?? WHO ARE WE WITHOUT THEM?

Many hugs.

All valid and thoughtful questions. There’s no answer. Once we are “done” with our grief, we still have to rediscover ourselves and rebuild our life.  That’s another chapter far far away.  Next to that, the hurt, the pain, the emptiness and void will always be with us.  It is true, a part of us died when our partners left.

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18 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I absolutely know how you feel.  The grief is very demanding in the early days and months. There’s not much that can be done other than to face the grief and take on the pain. It will be intense and at some point you will get emotionally drained and exhausted. There will be a day when things get easier, but not necessarily better.  I am there now after what feels like a lifetime of struggle. I can only imagine how things will feel after a year. I don’t think it gets better, it will never be better because our partner is not here.  Now at the 6 month mark, the waves of grief are less in intensity and duration. But boy, the overwhelming sadness of accepting reality and what my life is so so sad.  Just because I am no longer distraught doesn’t make things better. It’s just another level and layer of grief to bare. My heart goes out to everyone here. All I can say is that I’m f**ked. 

Adzipod, thank you for your kind words...forgive me I am still working out how to 'reply' on here so it keeps including previous posts...I think you are right in identity being changed...I hadn't even got my last name changed yet...do I even bother...?? I just don't know...only 3 weeks ago..no decisions right now...and I think it's intense grief for your your own future...that is now dead too. 

Goli...let's just all come here and be ok with being f***ed. It's a place where we can be real...so exhausting to try and be ok for people who visit and try and support, love them though we do. So let's just be. xx

 

 

 

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12 hours ago, Oz girl said:

 My mantlepiece has a crazy combination of cards...Wedding, Get Well, Christmas...and Sympathy ones. All inside 3 weeks. No wonder I feel like I'm going insane. 

You are going through so much!!  Just hang in there, we'll continue being there for you and perhaps in time you can find a good grief counselor to help you.  Also at about two months or so a lot of people like to try a grief support group.  One day at a time!

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Hello KayC, and to everyone. Thank you for your kind words...one day..one hour...one minute. I feel like an automation...everyone says how 'strong' I have been...they don't see me scream and weep at 1am...don't see me go to bed with my husband's photo on his pillow, and me holding a lock of his hair I asked the funeral home to cut for me as I lie awake, sick and wracked with grief...only to be disappointed that I actually wake up the next morning.

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On 1/9/2018 at 9:52 AM, Oz girl said:

I am here because I don't know where else to go. My husband,  the light of my life, my sun and moon, passed away after two and a half years of fighting an aggressive and rare cancer.  He was only 47. And he passed away 9 DAYS after we got married.  In what universe should a new bride have to pick out her husband's coffin as a wedding present? I buried him 1 week ago...all I want is to lie in the coffin with him...NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE.

We were inseparable,  as we fought side by side to combat this hideous disease.  I was his carer for all of that time,  only to see in take him,  bit by bit.  I FAILED HIM!!  And now I am abandoned,  left alone with the love I have for my amazing, beautiful, strong, kind and handsome man, that I am totally in love with, am besotted with, adore! My husband, my best friend!!

He wanted so much to be a daddy,  and we were going to try for a family... what do I do now...we had so many dreams, so many plans..he was larger than life,  a soldier,  an adventurer,  a sportsman,  a world traveler.. he was the most vibrant man I have ever met.. how the hell did we get here...HOW CAN HE BE GONE FROM ME??!! All I wanted was to grow with him, my beautiful man...now all I want us to die as quickly as possible, so I can be with him!

And...God?? GOD. DOES. NOT. EXIST.

Why am I still here..how can I feel this pain and still be breathing..when all I want is to STOP! I cannot be on this earth without him!!

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 3 and a half months ago. He was also 47 when he passed away. It is so unfair that we have to go through this. I know you don't think so but you will some how make it through each day. It won't be easy and it will get worse before you have a few semi ok days. You will never not miss him. I am here if you need to talk.

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I know, what they see is not what is during the middle of the night.  It's hard, I know.

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Patti14...I'm so sorry. Too young...their lives had barely started...and our futures have gone with them. Thank you. I'm taking things one breath at a time...while I figure out why there's a reason to breathe anymore. A friend gave me this card..nothing more needs to be said.

20180115_170908.jpg

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On 13/01/2018 at 4:28 AM, KayC said:

I know, what they see is not what is during the middle of the night.  It's hard, I know.

So true...I wonder how we can be in so much pain and still be breathing. Everything seems pointless. I wrap my arms around myself and try to pretend it's him...and I feel the agony all over again.

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Just keep wanting to write tonight..it's 2am where I am...don't sleep. Why should we have a life sentence of agony for loving someone?? Is this my punishment, because after 3 years of trying to care for him, I couldn't save him?? 

So hard...was just out having a coffee, trying to make myself get out of the house..and all I saw were these young dads, holding little babies...all my darling wanted was to be a daddy!! I just started crying right there in the cafe...why has my love been taken from me?? He was so fit and healthy, and this cancer came out of NOWHERE!! Why him??? My life, and our future..all gone...what is the point of being alive, when all it is is enduring day after agonising day without them??

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3 hours ago, Oz girl said:

Just keep wanting to write tonight..it's 2am where I am...don't sleep. Why should we have a life sentence of agony for loving someone?? Is this my punishment, because after 3 years of trying to care for him, I couldn't save him?? 

So hard...was just out having a coffee, trying to make myself get out of the house..and all I saw were these young dads, holding little babies...all my darling wanted was to be a daddy!! I just started crying right there in the cafe...why has my love been taken from me?? He was so fit and healthy, and this cancer came out of NOWHERE!! Why him??? My life, and our future..all gone...what is the point of being alive, when all it is is enduring day after agonising day without them??

Oh, I totally get you.  Seeing couples together makes me shake my head. Most people out there have absolutely no idea how lucky they are.  The only way we can experience that kind of love and bonding again will be in our dreams.

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On 1/15/2018 at 7:36 AM, Oz girl said:

Just keep wanting to write tonight..it's 2am where I am...don't sleep. Why should we have a life sentence of agony for loving someone?? Is this my punishment, because after 3 years of trying to care for him, I couldn't save him?? 

So hard...was just out having a coffee, trying to make myself get out of the house..and all I saw were these young dads, holding little babies...all my darling wanted was to be a daddy!! I just started crying right there in the cafe...why has my love been taken from me?? He was so fit and healthy, and this cancer came out of NOWHERE!! Why him??? My life, and our future..all gone...what is the point of being alive, when all it is is enduring day after agonising day without them??

I FEEL your agony!  So unfair!  Nothing fair about this!  No answers, this is something that has no answer, only to be lived through, we'll be here for you.

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