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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
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Carrots

I feel I let my soul mate down

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I lost the man I loved and my soul mate, Chris, 9 months ago. I was hesitant about posting here as we were only together for just under a year...but love is love and loss is loss.

Sadly I ended my relationship with my partner after an argument just 3 weeks before he died. He had been acting out of character and I was struggling with his behaviour. He was never malicious but he had mental health difficulties that were also taking their toll on me. Mainly because one of his ways of coping was to disappear/withdraw without contact, sometimes for days on end. Because I loved him so much I found this too painful. (Despite working in mental health and knowing his behaviour was the result of his illness and past traumas ) After a horrible argument, I walked away. This was the last time I saw him or spoke to him in person. In anger.

I did speak to him once more on the phone and via messages. I told him I loved him but that I couldn't cope anymore with how things were. I felt I needed to look after my health for my sake and also my children's. I was becoming depressed.

After he died, I received some beautiful messages from him that I hadn't seen before because he had sent them via Instagram that I was rarely on. They were beautiful but sad. He told me he adored me. That he understood why I had to walk away. But that he missed me and he wanted me to talk to him again. It broke my heart when I read them.

The one thing I am grateful for is that neither of us doubted how deeply we cared for each other. It was the situation not our feelings that was the issue.

He died in April last year. I didn't find out the cause of death until 3 months later. He had been staying with his Mum and she was the one who woke up to find he had passed away unexpectedly.

We were all terrified it was suicide. It turned out to be pneomonia. I didn't feel reassured by this though. I still felt responsible. The last time I had seen him he had a chest infection and I had got him to his Dr's and on antibiotics...I had worried he might not look after his health and get the right help after I ended the relationship. Because he rarely accepted advice/support from most people! It looks like his chest infection developed into pneumonia and he didn't seek treatment when his symptoms worsened.

One of the things that made all of this so much harder was his family's reaction to me. To begin with, we spent a lot of time supporting each other. I felt included and by spending time with his family, felt I still had Chris in my life. It was good to throw myself into tasks and distractions like helping to clear out his flat and plan the funeral. But as time got closer to the funeral, his family turned against me. I was shunned at the funeral and received hate fuelled messages by his brother afterwards.  I understand that grief can bring out the worst in people. I know that I didn't deserve it. But it hurt nonetheless. I still got on with Chris's Dad for a while but then he started to make advances towards me. Including at the funeral. Chris had suffered abuse as a child and had always had a difficult relationship with his Dad. I only met his Dad after Chris died. Chris had been reluctant for me to meet him. Our last argument had been on the day I was supposed to meet his Dad. On reflection I think his anxiety that his Dad might be inappropriate with me had fuelled his anxiety ...and was what triggered our argument. Of course I don't know this for sure. 

On a positive note,  I have never been so much in love and despite his difficulties, Chris was part of my family. My children adored him and he them. We were becoming a real family unit. It felt natural and we all fit so well and got each other. We were planning on getting married in the future. He accepted me for all I was and was my best friend. He had a terrible traumatic past but he still had the most beautiful and caring soul. He was the kindest man I have ever known. I wish I had been more understanding of his problems and stood by him.

By the way, my username is Carrots because that was one of his names for me! He started calling me it after we watched Zootopia together for the first time. He found it hilarious (20160603_115303.thumb.jpg.354c7bd529a66f20a724bd9b5175c959.jpgthe elephant in the room joke nearly broke him...) and the character Carrots reminded him of me! 

I know I can't change what happened. But I so deeply regret ending the relationship and ending contact.  I regretted it before he died. I nearly called him the day before he died to tell him how much I loved and missed him. I even got as far as getting his number up on my screen...but I did not dial it.

We always think we have time don't we?! It's a hard lesson I have learnt...to always let the people you love know how much you love them. I think I have been suffocating my friends and family with declarations of my love over the past few months! 

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Carrots,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your soul mate. Your are not responsible for his death, so please don't blame yourself. Mental health problems are very difficult to deal with, particularly when they are someone else's. They wear a person down, and no one can blame you for trying to take care of yourself and your kids. 

I had a situation when I was a child where my brother had driven my sister, myself and my other brother to a party. On the way home, my brothers got into a fight. They ended up in a fist fight in the middle of the yard. It was two days before Christmas.  My one brother jumped into the car and drove off like a crazed maniac, angry. A half mile up the road, he crashed into a telephone poll and died. Apparently, he had been drinking, and the fight was over his crazy driving. I was young at the time, and didn't realize exactly what was going on. It was difficult to deal with for all of us. I learned the same lesson you did--never leave a person in anger and let your loved ones know how much you love them. I drive my kids crazy by telling them I love them constantly. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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Carrots, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  Love is love and loss is loss.  Exactly right.  

I'm glad you posted, you are in the right place.

*hug* take care of you.  This is a hard journey.

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16 hours ago, Carrots said:

The one thing I am grateful for is that neither of us doubted how deeply we cared for each other. It was the situation not our feelings that was the issue.

Continue to keep this in mind in the time ahead.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you found the messages he left you.  We're here for you, and you're right loss is loss.  Someone said grief is love turned inside out, so true!

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19 hours ago, ModKonnie said:

Carrots,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your soul mate. Your are not responsible for his death, so please don't blame yourself. Mental health problems are very difficult to deal with, particularly when they are someone else's. They wear a person down, and no one can blame you for trying to take care of yourself and your kids. 

I had a situation when I was a child where my brother had driven my sister, myself and my other brother to a party. On the way home, my brothers got into a fight. They ended up in a fist fight in the middle of the yard. It was two days before Christmas.  My one brother jumped into the car and drove off like a crazed maniac, angry. A half mile up the road, he crashed into a telephone poll and died. Apparently, he had been drinking, and the fight was over his crazy driving. I was young at the time, and didn't realize exactly what was going on. It was difficult to deal with for all of us. I learned the same lesson you did--never leave a person in anger and let your loved ones know how much you love them. I drive my kids crazy by telling them I love them constantly. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

Thank you so much ModKonnie, Stonesie and KayC for your kind words.

Even though I am a mental health nurse, being a carer to my partner really opened my eyes to how difficult it is to cope with when it is someone you love. Knowledge didn't really seem to give me an advantage there! I appreciate you sharing your own experience ModKonnie of your brother's passing and the fight before. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to lose your brother. I also drive my children mad with being so intense about loving them and talking about feelings!!! 

Stonesie, thank you for your lovely warm words. Very much appreciated to not feel alone and unheard. It is so hard though isn't it? I think I was a bit shocked to discover grieving doesn't come in neat stages that you complete and move on from! Waves and grenades are better descriptions! Some friends have found it hard to witness/be part of. I know it's because they are coming from a good place and want me to be ok...but there is some pressure to 'move on' and 'get over' Chris which I don't think is possible is it? Not just in a morbid, not able to see any positives ahead way..but when someone is a big part of your life...they don't just disappear when they die. I wouldn't really want him to. Hugs to you too.

KayC, that really is true about grief being love turned inside out! I found myself getting (and still do) a bit obsessed with quotes and poetry about death and grieving. One of my favourites is 'Grief is just love with no place to go.' I can't remember who it's by though. I will try and remember and hold onto the fact that we did have something very special. But sometimes when I get some of my darkest thoughts, I do have this fear that he never really loved me or that he died  thinking I didn't love him. I  have nightmares about it. I try to tell myself that is just the grief/depression talking and that depression is a lying bas****.

Thank you so so much. This has really helped me to know I have been heard and to have found this forum.

Much love x

Screenshot_2018-01-09-20-58-43.png

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Carrots,

ive been struggling with the same doubts. Even though his last words to me were he loved me and wanted to make me happy. I think I’m dealing with irrational thoughts. I’m in counseling and starting a grief group tomorrow but this is clearly the toughest things I’ve done. 

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Lisaislost, 

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband.

I think that these are irrational thoughts we are having. But it doesn't make it any less painful. I am trying to make sense of why I doubt his love...I think in my case it might be my inner critical voice telling me I am not worthy of love...but manifesting in the fear that he never loved me. Something like that anyway! 

Counselling sounds a great idea. I hope it goes well for you.

Your group also sounds like a fantastic idea. One of the things that has helped me is finding ways to help others. For me at the moment this is mostly through work. I would be interested to hear how the group goes. Good luck! 

 

I applied for grief counselling a few months back but still waiting to hear back. There seems to be a long waiting list in my area x

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We so take it for granted here in the US, we pick up the phone, make an appointment, and usually within the week we're in a counseling session.  Finding the right grief counselor is a little more challenging.  There are even some that charge based on income.  I hope you get in to see one soon, as we need it NOW not "whenever".  

I'm glad you found this place though, it helps to share with others that understand what you're going through.  And it also helps to express yourself and know you're heard, it lends a validity to our feelings that we need.

I'm sure the knowledge you have will be of help to you on down the road, it's just that right now you're FEELING so much and that's a whole different experience than mere book learning.  Now you know grief in a whole other way.

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Carrots

I am so very sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing only too well.  Although you and Chris may have had problems, it appeared that you loved one another very much.  Personally, I think LOVE is the greatest gift we can give another human being; I hope you find comfort in knowing that you both shared a special kind of love and no matter what, will always be.  You are not responsible of Chris' death and because we want to blame someone, we blame ourselves.   Why things happen, we will never know and perhaps we are meant to; however, we go on and endure, because we must.  We will always have those memories that will always be with us.  From the day I met my Charles, he turned my life upside down (in the nicest possible way) and we had the type of loving relationship that some people don’t experience in a lifetime. I didn’t know such happiness existed and we could not get enough of each other even though we were together all day every day, from the day he retired until his death.

What is helping me get through this is my family, friends and faith in God.  I was in such a bad way, I was encouraged to visit a one-on-one grief counselor.  It helped me in such a way, I also signed up for group counseling which was just as beneficial in getting through this grief I found myself in.  It's been over a year and I still cannot believe he has gone, but I'm coping little by little each day and hopefully making some progress.   There are days I feel I'm living but I'm not alive. It’s as though I am in love but with no one to love.  But one thing for sure, I have the memories Charles and I made and they are forever; remembering the times we spent sharing secrets, weaving dreams, healing broken hearts, laughing at silly things.  Now when I look back, I realize they were the most wonderful years of my life.   And while the life with Charles is behind me,  the rest of my life is before me; but our memories are forever with me.

Know that you are in my prayers and that God gives you the Hope, Strength, and Peace to make it through this very dark season of your life. Hope to know that it will get better; Strength to hold on until it does, and Peace to fill your heart and soul.

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On 10/01/2018 at 5:39 PM, KayC said:

We so take it for granted here in the US, we pick up the phone, make an appointment, and usually within the week we're in a counseling session.  Finding the right grief counselor is a little more challenging.  There are even some that charge based on income.  I hope you get in to see one soon, as we need it NOW not "whenever".  

I'm glad you found this place though, it helps to share with others that understand what you're going through.  And it also helps to express yourself and know you're heard, it lends a validity to our feelings that we need.

I'm sure the knowledge you have will be of help to you on down the road, it's just that right now you're FEELING so much and that's a whole different experience than mere book learning.  Now you know grief in a whole other way.

Thank you! One of the benefits to working in mental health is me and my colleagues end up informally counselling each other...so at least I am getting some sort of therapy in that way whilst I am waiting! 

One of my strengths (and flaws) is that I don't have much of a filter between what I am feeling and what i say... so no danger of repressed or bottled up feelings! Just the danger of me doing my nearest and dearests heads in!!!  But still, this site is a real blessing. My closest friends and family are my rocks and reason for carrying on... but I don't want to forever be feeling that I am dumping every negative feeling and thought on them. Because of course they are going to worry but I don't want them to feel burdened or overwhelmed by me. It's a real fear of mine! A close/old friend of mine walked away/turned her back on me shortly after Chris passed away. I was acting mad with grief admittedly (a whole other story). But not malicious or unkind. So it broke my heart to lose her friendship too. More loss. But it has also made me want to treasure and nurture my remaining relationships all the more. 

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On 10/01/2018 at 6:33 PM, Francine said:

Carrots

I am so very sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing only too well.  Although you and Chris may have had problems, it appeared that you loved one another very much.  Personally, I think LOVE is the greatest gift we can give another human being; I hope you find comfort in knowing that you both shared a special kind of love and no matter what, will always be.  You are not responsible of Chris' death and because we want to blame someone, we blame ourselves.   Why things happen, we will never know and perhaps we are meant to; however, we go on and endure, because we must.  We will always have those memories that will always be with us.  From the day I met my Charles, he turned my life upside down (in the nicest possible way) and we had the type of loving relationship that some people don’t experience in a lifetime. I didn’t know such happiness existed and we could not get enough of each other even though we were together all day every day, from the day he retired until his death.

What is helping me get through this is my family, friends and faith in God.  I was in such a bad way, I was encouraged to visit a one-on-one grief counselor.  It helped me in such a way, I also signed up for group counseling which was just as beneficial in getting through this grief I found myself in.  It's been over a year and I still cannot believe he has gone, but I'm coping little by little each day and hopefully making some progress.   There are days I feel I'm living but I'm not alive. It’s as though I am in love but with no one to love.  But one thing for sure, I have the memories Charles and I made and they are forever; remembering the times we spent sharing secrets, weaving dreams, healing broken hearts, laughing at silly things.  Now when I look back, I realize they were the most wonderful years of my life.   And while the life with Charles is behind me,  the rest of my life is before me; but our memories are forever with me.

Know that you are in my prayers and that God gives you the Hope, Strength, and Peace to make it through this very dark season of your life. Hope to know that it will get better; Strength to hold on until it does, and Peace to fill your heart and soul.

Francine, thank you.

I am so so sorry for your loss of your beloved Charles.

I completely agree with you about LOVE being the greatest gift we can give another. One of my favourite quotes is 'The greatest gift you'll ever learn... is just to love and be loved in return.' Admittedly it's a quote from the film, Moulin Rouge but very true nonetheless!!!

You have a great way with words. I completely get what you are describing, that feeling of being in love but with with no one to love. Also that feeling of living but not really feeling alive. It's like a fog with me. It seems to shift with how heavy it is...sometimes I am so detached and numb... other times it lifts so I feel raw and completely exposed. 

You and Charles sound like a wonderful couple and you clearly had something very rare and beautiful. 

Sending light and love your way.

 

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20 hours ago, Carrots said:

A close/old friend of mine walked away/turned her back on me shortly after Chris passed away. I was acting mad with grief admittedly (a whole other story). But not malicious or unkind. So it broke my heart to lose her friendship too. More loss.

All of our friends disappeared on me when he died.  I was shocked.  I would never do that to someone.  I understand that people don't know what to say, they're uncomfortable with death, view it as contagious, and don't want to be around something negative or depressing, it stirs up their own feelings of vulnerability, etc. etc. BUT when you're close friends don't you see each other through thick and thin?  At least I always thought so!

I started a grief support group here since there had never been one and we have become very close, look after each other, I feel very blessed with this particular group of people.  I've watched them progress and it's a very rewarding feeling to feel I've had even a small part of it, plus I'm so proud of them.  Do they have anything like that where you live?

 

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On 12/01/2018 at 5:00 PM, KayC said:

All of our friends disappeared on me when he died.  I was shocked.  I would never do that to someone.  I understand that people don't know what to say, they're uncomfortable with death, view it as contagious, and don't want to be around something negative or depressing, it stirs up their own feelings of vulnerability, etc. etc. BUT when you're close friends don't you see each other through thick and thin?  At least I always thought so!

I started a grief support group here since there had never been one and we have become very close, look after each other, I feel very blessed with this particular group of people.  I've watched them progress and it's a very rewarding feeling to feel I've had even a small part of it, plus I'm so proud of them.  Do they have anything like that where you live?

 

KayC It is shocking and unfair how many people actively have walked away. Yes, grief is ugly and no one wants to see their friend in pain but I always thought the same. Close friends are family to me. I have been lucky that I still have friends who have really stepped up and been wonderful. 

A support group would be great. Not something I've looked into yet but I will, thank you. Well done you for setting up something so supportive and rewarding, for others as well as yourself x

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I knew I always wanted to, but in those early months, I wasn't ready to, I had to find my own way first and had much to learn.  It's quite a journey...

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