Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Recommended Posts

I thought about this for a while,  i came to the conclusion i want to share this. 

Why? I don't know,  maybe to help me grieve. Or hear from anyone out there with the same destiny as me. Who can cope?  who can advise,  how to live at all, after this!

My daughter died Tuesday 12.12.17 just weeks before Christmas. It was Sudden and a complete shock and Horror. As she had booked her flight to See me Saturday 13.1.18, and had many Plans for 2018!

She was just 22 years old. 

The Police say Suicide. I don't know what to say... All i Know is its so final and so devastating. Leaving so many questions open, such guilt and great emptiness. 

Cynthia had so many friends and so many dreams! 

Horror. Sadness. Anger. Guilt. Blame. Memories. Regrets. 

Its a big empty space, this World now!  Nothing can ever be the same again. I blame myself because i moved abroad for a seasonal Job in the Sun. After I lost my Job back home and saw no way getting a new one again due to my Position and Salary.  Thinking Cynthia would cope without me, which she could cope in the beginning, but then things got too complicated.  Before i could See her again,  it was too late. its all too late. All i have left is "if only....."

RIP my Beautiful Cynthia 17.8.95-12.12.17 

 

 

 

MovieCreator_20171213195150.mp4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Sabrina,

Sending all my love and hugs. I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's extremely painful time. Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

Thinking of you. With all my thoughts and prayers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sabrina, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Cynthia.   I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but they come from the heart of another bereaved mother. When a child dies, no matter the age or the circumstances, we are brought to our knees and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you. Even though you cannot even think right now, you need to take care of yourself on a physical level. I know that is not top on your list but you do need to drink fluids and even just small bites.  Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute.  It is a rough and rocky road ahead. Cry when you need to, I am sure it will come often. There is nothing wrong with that. The beginning of grieving a child is like no other and can be equated to a thought you deem too unbearable to think. It can be filled with blocks of denial, and visions of moments and days when it just doesn’t seem real.  I lost my son a little over 3 years ago. Grief does not come with instructions. It is up and down, through tunnels and a drop like a roller coaster ride. Please come post on Loss of an Adult Child. Go to the last page for the most active posts. There are kind, compassionate people who have walked in your shoes and still are. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready.  We are listening. You do not have to do this alone.

grief.jpg.261d11f5a243f0bac9c802c382f5b6d3.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

cynthia I am so sorry you lost your daughter in such sudden circumstances, it is hugely distressing and a massive shock especially as she may have taken her life. Just absolutely know there is nothing you could have done more to stop this happening. You took your job opportunity which was the right thing for you to do and she was unable to verbalise her struggles. depression is a massively under diagnosed condition which sadly has stigma attached and shame at not being able to cope as everyone around you seems to be able to do. Note I said "seems to be able to do". Depression anxiety and other mental difficulties can warp your thinking and overcome your reasoning and rationale. Young people are especially vulnerable, and sometimes the holidays can be just too overwhelming. My eldest son Tommy was killed in 2015 trying to save his suicidal friend. My three other children and I all have our separate and different struggles in dealing with his sudden loss. Dianne gives the best advice. It is a day at a time sometimes just ten minutes at a time. Time does bring some healing and perspective but it is a long journey. You are not alone. Most parents post on loss of an adult child thread it keeps us together supporting each other you are welcome to join us and share more about your girl. You are very clever to make that video I am barely computer literate.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you! 

Beautiful words,  touching and deep. 

I am coming to Terms with many aspects of my guilt. Especially leaving for the Job abroad. 

My Cynthia was always looking for her mummy. Even when she was at school she played up so they would ring me at the Bank and she knew i would come running. 

I left her too early maybe. I left her at the wrong time. 

But when is the right time?

A great loss a Beautiful girl.IMG-20171215-WA0035.thumb.jpg.0d5bbc8343022238ba0ffff7334fa88e.jpg will always remember her Beautiful Angel face. 

Thank you 

God Bless you! 

IMG-20171215-WA0035.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sabrina.  Such a precious beautiful girl. I m so sorry.  I lost my 17 year girl very suddenly six years ago. It was a cardiac arrthymia which cannot be detected. I feel your heartache and pain. I blamed myself for not responding to my girl soon enough but sometimes I think god had just picked her time.  Please don’t blame yourself. The grief will be enough to deal with. You did nothing to cause your daughters passing. We are all on loss of an adult child, so please join us there.  These are kindest most compassionate understanding people you will find.  You can tell us anything u want any time. We all understand each other and hold each other up. Even the best of friends and families will eventually drop off one by one...but we won’t.  Please come and let us help you on this journey that none of us want to me on.  Take care dear friend.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You are so true in what you say. 

We probably know God calls his chosen one.s early .

I just hope They are happy in their, the Ball of energy and light. 

Where everything is forgiving and everything is good.  I choose to see it this way. Cynthia left too soon. But i think she chose to go, she always said Mama the World is unfair,  she felt things more than others. She suffered more than others and was a pure soul. She could not take any injustice and played against the system already at school she was different and teachers could not reach her. She wanted mummy and wanted to stay home with me most of the time. Life was too harsh. Divorce, cold father. I had to work full time. Give her to babysitters who didn't really care. Cynthia drifted more into herself. She wanted me and her sister nobody else.  Life didn't work that way. Her sister moved to London. Studied there. I worked more and more. Cynthia became sadder and lonely. Waiting for the Bus to arrive in the evening with me on it. The school System decided she needed more attention and sent her away. Thats when the Desaster started. Cynthia hated the new place and cried and cried. From there the downhill started. We could not reach or change the system,  who always thinks its right! . But our bond never ended or her sisters. 

We always cared and I saved her many times. But the last two years were not so easy. I was abroad and saw Cynthia maybe only 3 months. 

She got involved with some strange people. Easily lead. Easily influenced by them. 

Looking for a father Figure she went with older men. 

Who used her but were clever enough to hide their true colours from their wives. Cynthia saw coldness in this World and towards the end was sure she was to blame. When its absolutly not the case. 

She was not to blame. She was the Product of this sad relationship with my ex husband who was cold and cared only about himself. Even the funeral was left to me and her sister. We were her only bond and her only hope. Closer than most siblings. Her sister grieves like a parent more than a sister. We were all she had and she was all we had. 

Now we are empty and alone with guilt. Anger towards many mistakes made by the system. Not seeing Cynthia as a sad child but as a burden. 

Cynthia is in a good place now. Smiling and at peace. A Ball of light shining bright,  looking upon us with a higher understanding than i can ever have. Forgiving and Loving, more than i can ever be. 

I am left with Anger and want justice,  in a World where justice is as rare as Cynthia was. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

if all you acheive each day for now is to breathe that is ok. Sometimes just the basics is enough to keep on going. Justice and finding someone to blame is so easy but in reality so difficult to fine. Sometimes there is no one held accountable even when it is proven they are guilty. My son fell from a  14 storey building trying to save his suicidal friend from jumping. They both fell and ironically his friend fell partly on my son and survived. he still struggles with survivor guilt and some PTSD. i was only angry at hime initially but then realised he was under tremendous pressure and stress and could not have foreseen what happened. I forgave him in my heart realising he was a young and very troubled soul and managed to trace him through FB and let him know I forgave him ( he had no way of finding me and would probably be too scared to try) and understood. he has a lifetime ahead of him of memories and difficulties and i told him he had been saved for a reason so to try and give back to the world someway in small kindnesses and be a good person, not let this tragedy destry him.I understand you felt your girl was failed but in reality she was a sensitive gentle soul who could not find the right way to cope with her problems or see that in time things could improve, Suicide is a permanent solution to a sometimes temporary problem which is so sad but in the depths of despair and depression seems the right option. we as the parents left behind need to try and find ways to give back to others in need in any way, supporting other people on this lonely sad journey and find ways to memorialise our spirit children in ways that are kind and meaningful. Easily said hard to do but there has to be a positivity somewhere.

17fa2adeba040d37e3b216e654cd92af--book-quotes-movie-quotes.jpg.b82526f2eafe4f848e6cbf38aaea072e.jpg

1c07190825c633856c3215c8ae97beb9.jpg.a53b5c0f2eef41f904282b483e38b381.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is very true. 

Again i See you are further in forgiving, than me in your grief. I understand what you are saying and I will try not to blame. Sometimes the anger sets in and I struggle with my emotions. 

Its comforting to know there are so many other parents struggling with a great loss. Bigger than anything else i have encountered. Its a new terrible feeling i need to control. Working on, smiling in my Job. Watching families enjoying their meals. Laughing together and I am there making sure their holiday is memorable. 

While i would prefer to stay in bed and never get up again. 

Cynthia is happy where she is now. 

I think thats what s keeping me going. 

Thank you for your reply. 

Me Too is truly comforting. 

 

received_211899099377796.jpeg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

sabrina you are so very very new to this grief, that definitely makes a difference in your thinking. I am over 2 years on and I still struggle it is a long journey full of ups and downs so dont beat yourself up take it a day at a time you are still in shock and disbelief that this could possibly have happened. Do not ever compare yourself with anyone else our grieving is as different as fingerprints and yes there are some people nearer your early stage and some further and some much further on. We all share the same sorrow regardless of how or when our kids died we get it as no one else that has not been through can. have you had her funeral yet? That is one of the first stages, then talking with the police and coroner to get the full picture and evidence when that is available to you. Do you have other children? If so what ages are they and how are they coping? Are you still abroad now?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 I flew back to Switzerland for the funeral.  I saw Cynthia and they prepared her best as possible. She was cremated. The Restaurant bit and relatives and friends side, i did not attend. I was not interested in this. Our family has never been a family. My mother father etc.. Not a good family, just this much to say about them. They didn't even attend anyway. I didn't want to see my ex husband either. He was evil to us. 

My older daughter 29 years is my only family. She organised everything, and Costs again, left to us. 

I am back abroad again as i have nothing left over there. Except my daughter.  But workwise there is nothing there. 

The death of Cynthia has brought up other things that I was trying to suppress. 

I feel alone. I was always alone in this family. Always put down. Not taken seriously. Now its just another degree of confirmation how alone i really am. Its no surprise,  so i don't know why i am so angry and feeling...  why me... feeling. Being a Victim is not usually my thing. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

received_2001461940122961.jpeg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

sometimes a really stressful or very sad event triggers other memories or makes you feel more isolated especially when you feel family have let you down. Some people really do not know how to behave after a death and resort to usual behaviours. A loss does not always bring a family closer as it is claimed, sometimes it is a catalyst that causes an implosion. Everyone grieves differently and at different stages, some may fall straight into the anger level others can be lost in disbelief others in deep sadness, others in blame we are all unique that way. Where do you work now? You used to live in Switzerland? Does your other daughter still live in Switzerland? you also mentioned us so I guess you have a partner that can help you through this awful time. The healing comes after a long time of soul searching and allowing yourself to really grieve, taking apart each aspect and examining it and gradualy coming to terms with each aspect. It is definitely very hard to do. I had an amazing bereavement counsellor that worked with me for a year I am still under the care of the mental health team after my breakdown and on medications. Often grief counselling is more effective after several months or even a year as initially you are in so much shock denial and flashing emotions that you are unable to hear what is being said and process each stage. As long as you have someone close to talk to and to unburden yourself to and support you. This forum is a very good resource for help and support from parents in the same situation. Click on the link Loss of an adult child by Justin's mom and you will find more parents able to offer insights ok?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes i will look into it. Thank you 

I lived 30 years in Switzerland.  I am swiss and Italien. Duel nationality,  i worked in private Banking,  international settlements was my Job. My older daughter lived half London half Switzerland of her life . Cynthia missed Ellie so much and felt alone with her various babysitters with me working all the time. Now Ellie is in Switzerland working and I live in Cyprus. I lost my Job in Switzerland and  then worked for Tui Thomson French guests 2016 untill 2017 then, they didn't take me back because the French didn't book again Cyprus! Language barrier for the french. Cynthia came over 3 months and worked as weil in the same Tui hotel. 

We speak 4 languages. Cynthia did too. 

Now i am self employed with Entertainer Business. Elvis Tribute Shows for Hotels. 

Not exactly easy. Cut throat really. Pays bad and I am not sure how long i can survive it. 

Alround pretty grim. 

I will take it by the Day and See what happens. 

Not much else to do really. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×