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Whammy2

Still can't comprehend that my mum is gone

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Just over two weeks ago my mum passed away from cancer at the age of 48. She was diagnosed in 2015 and that news destroyed her and she suffered depression for a long time after that. Just this last year, she had an operation in July which we all thought would save her. She spent over two months in hospital and she'd completely lost the ability to use her legs. Eventually, she'd had enough and came home. She wasn't home for very long before my dad had to rush her to emergency in the early hours of one morning after she'd spent the whole night throwing up.

The doctors had to run tests, and seemed to think it was some sort of issue involving the bowel. It was supposed to be fixable. We later found out the cancer had returned and she would not be curable. In her last days she became completely unresponsive and that is what destroyed me. It felt like I'd already lost her, and I think at that point I'd already started grieving.

On the 20th of December she passed away. My dad, my brother and I had just arrived at the hospital when we got the call and we went up to see her. She was just lying there, her eyes half open, cold. But she wasn't there. That wasn't my mum. Where the **** did she go? I've struggled with that a lot. I can't even comprehend how she can just be gone. How can someone be gone? I hate cancer. 

I'm starting uni this year and my mum should be here with me. She should've still been here with all of us. We all seem so lonely without her. So broken. And there are some things that I just so desperately want to tell my mum... Tell her about a film she'd love.. tell her about something silly I did today that we'd both laugh at... I just want to have her here with us, go to a cafe with her, be like the other daughters and mothers at the shops together. I am so jealous of them.

My mum lost her own mum when she too was very young, and her mum died at the age of 49. She lost her mum, and then she too got handed the death sentence. How is that fair? If there is one thing I know about this world that I barely understand, it's that it is damn cruel. 

I just miss my mum so much. I'm 18, and to go the rest of my life without her now seems daunting. And my poor dad.. and brother.. it's so lonely. I want nothing more than for her to be back with us, and I just want to tell her how much I love her and I can't even do that. And it's not just her that is gone. It's all her hopes and dreams, all her unique quirks. All her silly unrelated emojis she would text me that now I miss so much. Just all gone.

I have no religious beliefs but I do hope I will see her again, because I simply can't comprehend just not ever seeing her again. And this life seems so so pointless, do we all just live to die?

I miss her so so much.

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I just felt that noone could understand what I am going through and I decided I would search for any people who might be going through the same stuff as me and I found your story.

My mom died on the 20th of December from cancer too. She was 51 and she was diagnosed in 2010. For about a week before she passed away she lost the ability to communicate with anyone and I basically freaked out and then everything happened so quickly and I cannot still comprehend what is going on. I can’t (or don’t want to) realise that I won’t see her or have a conversation with her again and I just miss her so much. I feel like I’ll never be totally happy again, like something will always be missing. I had 16 wonderful years with her but is it wrong to ask for more even though I can’t have any? I don’t know. 

This post reassured me that I’m not the only one going through such a difficult time  and I just wanna say thank you for sharing your thoughts because I was too reluctant at the beginning. 

I don’t know if it’s comforting but you should know you’re not alone. 

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Dear Whammy,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss of your beloved mother. It is horribly painful and a terrible shock. I know everything feels so surreal right now. You are certainly not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Sending you love and hugs. I wish I could tell you why or have an answer that makes sense. And in these early days of grief there truly are no good answers just raw emotions. I kept going over and over what happened and thinking its just a movie and my dad is really okay.

I know its really hard right now. I hope you can lean on trusted friends and family members for support. Or consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group. I also found these websites helpful in understanding my feelings.

What's Your Grief

 The Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common

GriefShare

The Grief Recovery Method

Thinking of you and your family during this very difficult time. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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On 1/7/2018 at 7:45 AM, Whammy2 said:

Just over two weeks ago my mum passed away from cancer at the age of 48. She was diagnosed in 2015 and that news destroyed her and she suffered depression for a long time after that. Just this last year, she had an operation in July which we all thought would save her. She spent over two months in hospital and she'd completely lost the ability to use her legs. Eventually, she'd had enough and came home. She wasn't home for very long before my dad had to rush her to emergency in the early hours of one morning after she'd spent the whole night throwing up.

The doctors had to run tests, and seemed to think it was some sort of issue involving the bowel. It was supposed to be fixable. We later found out the cancer had returned and she would not be curable. In her last days she became completely unresponsive and that is what destroyed me. It felt like I'd already lost her, and I think at that point I'd already started grieving.

On the 20th of December she passed away. My dad, my brother and I had just arrived at the hospital when we got the call and we went up to see her. She was just lying there, her eyes half open, cold. But she wasn't there. That wasn't my mum. Where the **** did she go? I've struggled with that a lot. I can't even comprehend how she can just be gone. How can someone be gone? I hate cancer. 

I'm starting uni this year and my mum should be here with me. She should've still been here with all of us. We all seem so lonely without her. So broken. And there are some things that I just so desperately want to tell my mum... Tell her about a film she'd love.. tell her about something silly I did today that we'd both laugh at... I just want to have her here with us, go to a cafe with her, be like the other daughters and mothers at the shops together. I am so jealous of them.

My mum lost her own mum when she too was very young, and her mum died at the age of 49. She lost her mum, and then she too got handed the death sentence. How is that fair? If there is one thing I know about this world that I barely understand, it's that it is damn cruel. 

I just miss my mum so much. I'm 18, and to go the rest of my life without her now seems daunting. And my poor dad.. and brother.. it's so lonely. I want nothing more than for her to be back with us, and I just want to tell her how much I love her and I can't even do that. And it's not just her that is gone. It's all her hopes and dreams, all her unique quirks. All her silly unrelated emojis she would text me that now I miss so much. Just all gone.

I have no religious beliefs but I do hope I will see her again, because I simply can't comprehend just not ever seeing her again. And this life seems so so pointless, do we all just live to die?

I miss her so so much.

I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you are able to find comfort and support from family and friends. 

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