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emmarogers

my mom has passed away, my father is neglecting us and is dating a woman 15years younger than him

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My mom and dad had been married for 20 years when she died from 5 year battle with cancer. When she died I had just started uni and my sister was 8 years old. When my mom died I thought that this would be the hardest time of my life, but 6 years onward I am feeling the worst I have ever felt.

My mom and dad had a really calm marriage. They had never argued about anything (maybe some normal minor arguments once in a while). When my mom died, my dad started dating this woman after a MONTH. Not only he started dating her after such a short period of time, but she is 15 years younger than him (my dad was 50 and she was 35), super hot, AND she was my mother's student at university (My mom used to be an university teacher). So my father decided after a month that it was ok to invite her over without even asking me and my sister if that was ok with us. The next thing I knew, after 3 months she had moved in. Also I want to mention that I live in a country that does not have the best economy so we don't move out from our parents house until we are 28-30 because we can't afford to.

So because I wanted my father to find another love, and sometimes love comes unexpected, I made myself be ok with this woman. But, then my father changed completely. He only went to holidays with her, and never took my sister, who was 8 years old at the time. She really deserved to go on a holiday. I didn't care about myself. I only cared about my sister because she was the one who was more damaged by the loss of our mother. My dad didn't care about cleaning the house, doing the dishes, ironing the clothes, doing lunch... He was only interested in his new woman. I was doing everything around the house, while trying to mend my heart, and taking care of my sister. 

And if that was not enough burden, he was constantly telling me how I wasn't doing anything, how I never helped with the house. And that's what hurt me the most, because I finished UNI really fast, I found a really good job, I was spending all my money on the house and he was never satisfied with me.

Also this other woman is really mean. I really gave her a chance but she is just mean and I feel like she is competing with me and my sister about my father, and that's the worst feeling ever. She is telling him how she wants them to be alone, how they always have to go on holiday alone etc. She is also always telling my father whatever my sister does wrong, so he would yell at her.

She is also pressuring him to make a baby, which annoys the hell out of me, because he can't even pay attention to us. Right now he is a mess. He is constantly yelling at us, telling us how we are worthless. And btw, my boyfriend of 9 years, constantly tells me how he is worried that I might become like my father one day, and that's the last thing you want to hear from the person you need the most support at times like this.

I cant take this anymore. I feel so left out. I feel like I have been the adult since my mom died. I have taken care of my sister, I have taken care of the finance and the house. And he tells us that we are  a burden to him. I've never felt more helpless, alone and unloved.

Please, send some advice... I need an advice on how to talk to him about this and make him understand that a parent should never make his/hers children feel unloved and unappreciated. Also I wouldn't mind some advice on my bf

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Dear Emma,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know there is a lot on your young shoulders. It is a lot for one person to cope with. It is good of you to try and take care of your sister, the house and finances. I'm so sorry your dad's behaviour and new girlfriend is hurting you.

I know you just want your dad to understand where you are coming from. It is hard to communicate sometimes. Everyone comes at so differently. I don't know if you would like to consider talking to a family therapist, social worker or joining a support group.

The main thing is for your sister and you to be safe. I don't know if other family members or trusted friends could also talk to your dad and how his behaviour is affecting you and your young sister.

I know new love makes people do crazy things and combine with grief I'm sure its hard to know how to get through to your dad.

About your boyfriend please let him know you are dealing with a lot. And maybe all you need for him to do is listen or give you space. I'm sure he cares a lot and maybe what he said just came out the wrong way. I'm sure it is stressful to see someone you love go through so much but feel powerless to help them or even know how to help.

Thinking of you and your sister. I hope things get better. I hope others will add their experience.

Take care. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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Dear Emma,

it is heartbreaking to read your story.  I'm so sorry for your loss and all that you've had to cope with for the past 6 yrs.  I wish I knew what to say but I don't.  i do agree with reader about contacting a therapist, family support, a group.  You need outside help.  

On this forum for the several months I have been on it, I have read a few stories about the dad dating very soon after the death of their wife without regard it seems to how it affects the children.  I realise it is common among men.  Your story is particularly disturbing and you and your sister need proper help and support.  I hope that what your boyfriend said just came out wrong because he is stressed out watching you go through all this.  I hope so.  

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  its very very tough.  Please seek outside help so you have a proper support.  Thinking of you.

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Thank you @sadandlost and @reader.

I will definitely talk to a therapist this week. I feel better reading your comments, because I felt encouragement and support. Thank you both for replying, it means a lot right now.

Hope you are having a great day.

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Dear Emma, 

First, I want to offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your mother . I can’t imagine the sadness you and your sister have felt as you both have grown into mature young ladies . There is a special bond girls have with their moms as they reach adolescents that is like no other . I’m grateful that you have been there for your younger sister . 

I kind of went thru something similar when my dad died. I was a teenager and my mom felt like she couldn’t raise myself and my siblings alone. I didn’t understand her need for companionship and help in shouldering the responsibilities of running a household . She also remarried and it was a step that we lived to regret. Not saying that all marriages after a death are bad, but sometimes the adults do not look out for the interests of the children . 

Your current situation is especially difficult because of the time frame and the difference in age between your dad’s girlfriend and yourself and sister. I am sorry that you have been loaded down so heavily with responsibility that your father should be carrying himself. It is not fair for you to have to work, care for an adult man who can obviously care for himself, and help manage a household . I understand helping your sister out- she probably needs guidance right now as a teenager . 

You ask for advice . Aside from the advice that has already been offered to you, I want to extend to you some free reading material for you and your sister on teen depression .

https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&issue=2017-02&pub=g17&srcid=share

You can download the material to as many  devices you want . Save it for future references . Also, I have other reading material for you on how to cope when parents get remarried . Although the situation you are facing is not ideal, perhaps some of the information can be useful to you . 

https://download-a.akamaihd.net/files/media_books/f5/yp1_E.pdf#page38

On the matter of your mom’s death, I have reading material on coping with the loss of a loved one if you would like the link for that too. 

Lastly, perhaps your boyfriend is afraid as well. He sees you are under stress and maybe he’s afraid of losing the bond you both have built . Sometimes people get selfish too, thinking we have abandoned them with all of our obligations . They don’t realize what all is going on . You mentioned your culture plays a part in your living arrangements. Things might not improve until you and your sister can move out of that situation . 

If these links don’t open, I can send to an email address . 

I’d like to stay in contact with your permission . I can give you my email address off of this forum . I want to be a long distant friend you can turn to for support and encouragement when needed. 

Sincerely,

Frances

 

 

 

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