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Ruby40

I don't like my house now my best friend gone

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I need people to talk to please in similar situations.  Last night I lost my best friend Mak who was 13 but so poorly.

The house isn't the same....I hate it 

20180103_230149.png

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Ruby I am so sorry for your Mak. He looks so sweet.... I know how it hurts to lose a pet. We all do, here in this forum. When I lost my kitty, 4 months ago, I coudn't stand my house. It felt so empty and so cold and so silent. But the emptiness inside felt even worse. Their absence is unbearable.All you can do is take it one day at a time, very slowly. And then you'll find that with the passing time your pain has lessened( I know this seems impossible right now). If you have in your life people who understand this loss and your grief, try to spend time with them. I also found, in those early days that it helped to spend one or two hours away from my house if I could, running errands or meeting a friend.(I work at home) The pain was still there but removing myself from the familiar surroundings gave me a little break. You need to support yourself as best as you can right now, the pain is relentless.Share here your thoughts and feelings .

I am so sorry for your pain .I hope this forum offers you some comfort.

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Thank you for your kind words.

I have another dog ....His brother ....but it's still not the same. Mak was my shadow and his brother a loner....still is. I am searching the places he slept and it's so sad. Everywhere I went he was by my side and it's a huge loss. No longer this friend of mine sleeping in my bedroom softly breathing.

He was so poorly the last 3 weeks and just gave up last night on a visit to the vets so they helped him a long. It was awful to watch and I had to be removed from the room as his body shut down. It is so so sad but he has had a great life I know 

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Ruby, Mak is a cutie pie! I lost my youngest pug a couple days before Christmas and it is absolutely killing me. I've had so many pets over the years, but had a special connection with this dog. Cancer took him WAY too young, so that sucks, too. But, I know what you mean about hating your house. I had pictures printed and have put them in every room of my house. My dog followed me everywhere. Some days the pictures help, some days they hurt. I talk to the pictures as if he was here. I cry when I feel overwhelmed. I smile when I can about his memory. I lost my husband to cancer in 07. He was young, too. Only 42. I've watched my dad battle it twice. He's still with me. I think being a caretaker has made the losses that much more difficult. 

There really are no words. Only time eases the pain. I hope you know that if Mak was poorly, then, at least, now, he's no longer in pain or struggling. That's the hardest part for me. My dog was SO full of life right up until the end. It just didn't seem possible that he was gone. Even though I knew it was a possibility. Nothing helps heal that huge hole they leave in our heart except time. 

You have my condolences. I hope you find some peace here knowing that others go through this, too. It has helped me feel sane. I sometimes think others are looking at me like I'm crazy for bawling over my dog. They become our true friends. They love unconditionally. Of course, they leave a huge hole in our houses and hearts when they go!!

 

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Thank you for kind words. You really have gone through the mill with losses in your life.

Your right with the special connections as I still have his brother with me but it' just not the same. Mak was my best friend through and through....my shadow.  He was not in pain but they think he may have had cancer the way his body lost weight and shut down. However he wasn't himself and his breathing was suffering rather than being in pain.  Last night he decided to shut himself down at the vets as if he knew he was in the right place so they helped him along. Dreadful to watch but I was there till the end when he was no longer conscious and they gave the injection. I went as a follow up appointment and never came back with him but I just knew all that day he wasn't. I never thought he would have died himself first though. Was a shock 

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I know what you mean. My little guy had colon cancer and we had tried to get referrals to UNC and UGA. The first one was made for Jan 8th and another for Feb 8th. I knew he didn't have that long. UGA called with a cancellation the very next day! I thought it was a miracle. Then, we get there and they weren't sure if they would operate. So, when they said they thought they could, I started to hope again. 24 hours after his surgery, he went into respiratory distress and it was downhill from there. He wasn't in pain. He just couldn't fight anymore. It's so hard when we think we're doing the right thing. 

I know it was hard, but I'm glad you were with him. I feel guilt that I wasn't. But, I also know it would've been painful for him if he had been with me and not at the hospital, so I take a little comfort in that. 

And, like you, he was my shadow, too. That's why I've put pics in every room of him. Because he'd follow me from room to room and throw himself down until I moved again... 

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Vet told me the fear of being there may have raised his heart rate so I said I felt guilt now.

She said please don't as this would have happened very soon and if at home it would not have been nice to go through and watch. She helped him go quicker too which I would have been panicking and ringing emergency vets.

I just miss him so much and the pain is not going. I can't sleep either as I miss his breathing in my bedroom 

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Aw, I know what you mean. I keep questioning every decision I made. I think that's part of the bargaining stage of grief. Where you think what if and if only and hope that IF you sleep the outcome will change. It's been two week tomorrow since I lost mine. His birthday would've been today, so I'm beating myself up again. It's easy for people to tell you not to blame yourself. The only thing I can say is that if you truly loved your dog, and it sounds like you did, you would NEVER have done anything to intentionally harm him. You have to know that he knew that. He trusted you. 

See? It's easy for me to say that to you. WAY harder for me to accept it about my fur baby. Just know that you're not alone. I couldn't sleep in my bed for the first week. I was sleeping on the couch or on the floor... just because I couldn't stand going in there without him. We had a nightly routine. And it's just gone. I still have trouble sleeping in there. I wake up and same thing... I can't hear his pug snuffles and it overwhelms me with grief. 

Try to take care of yourself. Try to nap if you can. Stay strong for your friend and know that you will see him again.

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Mak,

I'm glad you wrote here, I responded to the other one and now I see you have wrote more and even posted a picture of your beautiful baby.

I'm glad you've had some good responses here, and I hope you will read some of the other recent threads in this section.  In it I posted a response to someone else with tips for surviving this and some articles that I've found helpful.  I hope you'll read them as well.

My heart goes out to you, I know the pain all too well.  (((hugs)))

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I hate walking around my neighborhood for the same reason.  Every block has something that he loved to sniff. 

Hopefully we will feel better soon, I can't move neighborhoods. 

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20 hours ago, KayC said:

Mak,

I'm glad you wrote here, I responded to the other one and now I see you have wrote more and even posted a picture of your beautiful baby.

I'm glad you've had some good responses here, and I hope you will read some of the other recent threads in this section.  In it I posted a response to someone else with tips for surviving this and some articles that I've found helpful.  I hope you'll read them as well.

My heart goes out to you, I know the pain all too well.  (((hugs)))

I'm really struggling and I know I'm grieving (obviously) but it's so hard.

He is such a miss. I am riddled with guilt now too....I didn't take him out as much in old age....all the times I told him off and he knew by my tone I was cross. He was having accidents in house so I didn't let him on the sofa anymore in the last 6 months.  I am a horrible person 

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@Ruby40, I know how hard it is. The first few days (and weeks) were such a struggle for me. I lost my cat suddenly. We lose their physical presence and all the things we did with them, the rituals, the walking or feeding and playing. It is a major life change in my opinion.  

Guilt plagues us all. My cat had his teeth cleaned and surgery on his tail just a couple months before his death. All the time and expense is one thing, but how uncomfortable he was and scared a lot. It breaks my heart. But, I didn't know he'd pass so soon. All I can do is forgive myself because we all love our pets and we do what we need to do at the time - what we believe is best. 

Mak knew he was loved. Even the times you were frustrated, remember we are not perfect people. But he gots lots of love during his life and you were there for him in the end. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace as you go through each day. It is a true heart ache.   

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On 05/01/2018 at 4:07 PM, KayC said:

Mak,

I'm glad you wrote here, I responded to the other one and now I see you have wrote more and even posted a picture of your beautiful baby.

I'm glad you've had some good responses here, and I hope you will read some of the other recent threads in this section.  In it I posted a response to someone else with tips for surviving this and some articles that I've found helpful.  I hope you'll read them as well.

My heart goes out to you, I know the pain all too well.  (((hugs)))

I'm really struggling and I know I'm grieving (obviously) but it's so hard.

He is such a miss. I am riddled with guilt now too....I didn't take him out as much in old age....all the times I told him off and he knew by my tone I was cross. He was having accidents in house so I didn't let him on the sofa anymore in the last 6 months.  I am a horrible person 

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I know you feel guilt, that comes with grief, that's why I was hoping you'd read the other thread, but I've decided to post it here too.  
 

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

I lost my husband 12 1/2 years ago, and that was the start of losing many pets since, somehow I've managed to hold down jobs and do what I needed to do during that time, looking back I don't know how.  Determination and no choice I guess.  I know there've been times I didn't feel like it, more often than not.  By now I've gotten more used to this thing we call grief.  I carry it inside of me, kind of like a sadness, but also a strength, and I've learned I can reach inside for that person or pet and receive not only the good memories but comfort and strength from having had them in my life.  They still exist, albeit spirit form, and I believe with all my heart we'll be together again.  That hope propels me.

I wrote this article based on my twelve years journey since losing my husband and most of it can apply to any grief loss.  I hope you find something in it that can be of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

And maybe this isn't exactly how it is, but it brings me comfort to think of it this way:

 

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1 hour ago, AJWCat said:

@Ruby40, I know how hard it is. The first few days (and weeks) were such a struggle for me. I lost my cat suddenly. We lose their physical presence and all the things we did with them, the rituals, the walking or feeding and playing. It is a major life change in my opinion.  

Guilt plagues us all. My cat had his teeth cleaned and surgery on his tail just a couple months before his death. All the time and expense is one thing, but how uncomfortable he was and scared a lot. It breaks my heart. But, I didn't know he'd pass so soon. All I can do is forgive myself because we all love our pets and we do what we need to do at the time - what we believe is best. 

Mak knew he was loved. Even the times you were frustrated, remember we are not perfect people. But he gots lots of love during his life and you were there for him in the end. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace as you go through each day. It is a true heart ache.   

Strange you should say that but vet wanted his teeth done 2 months ago and I said no.

Your mind goes crazy thinking of the little things that were maybe not good for your furry friend. I'm so annoyed with myself I refused the sofa to him because of his accidents. However he had a bad back and wasn't wanting to jump anymore and just lie by my feet.

Why do i focus on bad stuff and the vision of him on the vet table....I'm making myself worse with grief 

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8 minutes ago, KayC said:

I know you feel guilt, that comes with grief, that's why I was hoping you'd read the other thread, but I've decided to post it here too.  
 

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

I lost my husband 12 1/2 years ago, and that was the start of losing many pets since, somehow I've managed to hold down jobs and do what I needed to do during that time, looking back I don't know how.  Determination and no choice I guess.  I know there've been times I didn't feel like it, more often than not.  By now I've gotten more used to this thing we call grief.  I carry it inside of me, kind of like a sadness, but also a strength, and I've learned I can reach inside for that person or pet and receive not only the good memories but comfort and strength from having had them in my life.  They still exist, albeit spirit form, and I believe with all my heart we'll be together again.  That hope propels me.

I wrote this article based on my twelve years journey since losing my husband and most of it can apply to any grief loss.  I hope you find something in it that can be of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

And maybe this isn't exactly how it is, but it brings me comfort to think of it this way:

 

I did look and I don't understand how the site works so couldn't find anthing.

Thank you for this. The guilt reading has helped me loads. The video then made me cry.  

What  a sad sad time but I know Mak is in a better place 

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Ruby I know what you mean...I still go over the things I could have done much more better for my kitty...the list never ends. The "breaking the power of guilt" article has helped me so much too( thank you again KayC). No we're not perfect, as AJWCat said, we're human. And no parent is ever perfect, either to a human child or a pet. But we do love our pets and they understand it, they feel it. Your Mak knew you really loved him and you did every thing to help him. Try to focus on this and to find some comfort in this.There is so much pain in losing them, do not make it harder with guilt. I really hope your pain will soften as days go by.

I hope the same for you, Sparkyn98.I also hope that these posts about guilt help you.

Valechka I wish you comfort too.

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My afternoon and night has been a bit better and I have thought of the great walks we all did rather than a poorly dog all the time.

I loved him so much and he will never ever be forgotten. I'm making a super fuss of his brother even though he likes to be alone. I worry he misses him too but he seems to be settling and no crying 

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Glad you are doing a little better, and that you are giving xtra attn to his brother. 

We do focus on bad stuff a lot initially. It's the last things we go through sadly. Maria mentioned this - the pain will soften. You don't feel like it will, it's just time. Thank God the bad memories fade. I am trying to think more now of the best times, the good memories and replay those over and over. And you're right, he will never be forgotten. I ache that my cat almost been gone now 5 months. I still miss him. But I am glad to be out of the daily pain. It's so hard. :( 

 

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I'm glad you're thinking about the great walks you had together.  Those are the memories to try to focus on.  As AJW said, we aren't perfect parents, but we try our best and we come out damned good if you ask me, especially when you consider the pet rescue situations.  One thing I know for sure, they knew they were loved, and they loved us too.  We did give them really good lives, not just food and shelter, but we spent time with them and let them know how much we loved them.  I give my dog bellyrubs every day, and after years of this, I looked over at Kitty and said, "Do you want a bellyrub?"  She immediately rolled over for hers!  I felt so bad that all these years she's watched the dog getting one and never been offered one herself.  I didn't know cats liked them!  She understood what I was saying and she loved and enjoyed it.  Now I give them both one.  I say this to say, animals don't waste time dwelling on the past, they enjoy what is.  She never held it against me because it took years for it to occur to me, she just enjoyed finally getting one herself.  If we were able to go back and ask our deceased pets if they held anything against us, they would look at us as if we were nuts!  The thought never occurs to them, they were so happy they had the parents they did.

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Awww love that KayC. I think you are right. Animals live in the moment, for the moment. 

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Thanks, Maria 9, I relate so much with Ruby because everything in my house reminds me of my dog. I have been through all the guilt things. But, I guess my biggest thing now is letting go of the phone call where they told me he had coded... It's what plays over and over in my mind. It doesn't help that we lost him 2 days before Christmas, 1 week before his birthday. Just keeps reminding me over and over that he's gone. I don't hate my house. My bed. Most of all my bed. Where he would go to get loving when I came home. Where he came to bed with me every night and we played some before bed. I miss the routines and I miss him. I hope it's getting easier for you, Ruby!

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Not sure what's going on with this site but I can' put my reply to you sparky in the right place so I hope you read this.

I no longer hate my house and realise it was just a state of mind.  However I look in all the places he used to be lying sleeping and feel so empty still.

I cry every day still.  

The difference I have which makes me feel better is having his brother still here. Alfie must be missing him too but he seems to settle ok and no crying. A dog to pet and play with still is the distraction I need.  This however scares me so much for my future once Alfie goes.  I can't have no dogs in my house but I work full time. I have already googled which breeds can be left as I need to give a dog a home.

I haven't even got to that stage and this also could be a state of mind and i find I am ok but the dread lingers.

The guilt is still there but I try to not focus on it and you should not on the phone call. Focus on all the great times together you had. 

Mak was my best friend and he taught me lots in my life too.  The bond was amazing and he will never be forgotten.

I have tears as I write his name. My bedroom not the same as no breathing noises but I have Alfie deciding to sleep in here now which he didn't before. 

It's been less than a week and I am grieving still big time.

My afternoon and night has been a bit better and I have thought of the great walks we all did rather than a poorly dog all the time.

I loved him so much and he will never ever be forgotten. I'm making a super fuss of his brother even though he likes to be alone. I worry he misses him too but he seems to be settling and no crying 

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You both are so new to this. :( ... this process. I eventually let go of thinking about the very end - the last horrible 2 hours of losing my cat after replaying it in my mind over and over and over. My husband's strategy was distraction, lots of naps, tv. etc. I worked on stopping my thoughts to always go to the worst moments. It was a challenge. 

I don't know which is right, I don't know the easy way out except through the passage of time. In time it will ease. 

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Sparky and Ruby,

When I lost my husband I was haunted by that last hour...seeing him have his final heart attack, his eyes so big, the obvious distress and pain he was in was unbearable, it was the one way he never wanted to go.  Having them literally throw me out of his hospital room, off the ward, lock the door behind me, I was his Little One, I should have been allowed to be there with him as he crossed over, we were ALWAYS THERE for each other!!  It haunted me.  Did he realize what was going on in his distress, did he know it was beyond my control, that I'd never willingly leave him?  Did he think I deserted him in his greatest hour of need?  It haunted me for years.  In time, the haunting lessened some, and I've had to rely on my faith in "us", in our love for each other, each of us knowing exactly how the other felt.  But I ran across something this last year that I found of interest and ran across some who had utilized it and they said it helped them.  
http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/emotional-freedom-technique-eft-may-look-weird-but-if-it-gets-the-job-done-do-we-care.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-using-eye-movement.html 

I had been through the EFT with a person that led guided imagery many years ago over some other stuff, but had forgotten about it.  It could warrant the use of a therapist or counselor, you might ask around if someone in your area is familiar with leading you through it.  That is to say, if the guilt continues to haunt you, it's worth it to try it.

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