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Gabby

Feeling overwhelmed and panicked looking for support to combat this

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Don't really know where to start this is my first time online I'm feeling really overwhelmed I lost my mum and husband in September 2016 thought I was coping but the last few weeks have been awful Everyone says it will get bettter but I feel I'm unraveling Really panicked and shaking fearful of everything I just want to feel there are others here who can understand I really feel the pain in your posts and do understand My best wishes to you all. 

 

Looking for any ideas of support or how to get through this feeling 

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I’m sorry for your losses. I lost my husband 2 months ago. I have crazy emotions running through my brain at all times. I have been seeing a therapist and she’s good at helping me see my progress and understanding my behavior. I’m starting a grief support group next week. I think the hardest thing is I’m trying to do all the right things but in actuality,  Nothing is going to rewind my life. Being busy helps. But when i first wake up and remember I’m alone, the grief is real. This is a good place to be for support. There are many who have insight better than I because they have been here longer. Take care! 

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Thank you for your response I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't remember much in the first few month just on autopilot Your doing far better than I am at the moment. I'm trying to sort out counselling but finding long waiting lists and can't see my GP till next Tuesday which feels a very long time away. This just seems to have hit me all at once and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I think you are doing all the right things - I didn't do that at the time and now I'm regretting that I didn't perhaps if I had reached out for help sooner I may not feel like this now. I really hope your journey is eased by the support and people around you You are so brave you will be in my thoughts Take care of yourself x

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Gabby,

I am so sorry for your losses.  I lost my husband five months ago.  I recently feel very sad and heavy without hope, which I am not sure if the holidays triggered it.  I do feel the mornings usually are the saddest time.  I also found that the diet will greatly affect my mood and not sure if this is because of my heart problem.  Do you have friends to talk to?  Talking to friends doesn’t necessarily need to talk about our losses all the time.  By just listening to other peoples’ stories can broaden our views and diverse our attentions.  Joining a supporting group is another way to make new friends.  My neighbor is a 30-years of widow who is 83 years old now.  She told me that she kept herself busy all the time.  Her home is very organized.  She actively participates HOA activity.  She believes that she has to let go of her husband not to bother him so that he could smoothly transit to and keep peace in the other world, which I am not able to do that now.

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Gabby,

This is a long journey that's never really ending, but we do learn to adjust eventually as best as we can and learn ways to cope.  I wrote this article from what I've learned in my twelve year journey of loss of my husband, and I hope something in it is of help to you.  It's never too late to reach out for help.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

Gabby,

This is a long journey that's never really ending, but we do learn to adjust eventually as best as we can and learn ways to cope.  I wrote this article from what I've learned in my twelve year journey of loss of my husband, and I hope something in it is of help to you.  It's never too late to reach out for help.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thank you so much Kay I’m going to use your points as the check list day to day Your and the others have given me so much with your reply’s Can’t put into words how much it means x

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On 1/4/2018 at 9:26 AM, Gabby said:

Don't really know where to start this is my first time online I'm feeling really overwhelmed I lost my mum and husband in September 2016 thought I was coping but the last few weeks have been awful Everyone says it will get better but I feel I'm unraveling Really panicked and shaking fearful of everything I just want to feel there are others here who can understand I really feel the pain in your posts and do understand My best wishes to you all. 

Looking for any ideas of support or how to get through this feeling 

You have had a lot on your plate losing both your mother and husband in the same month and it will take time for you to heal. Sometimes you may think things are going along and everything seems to be OK. Then out of nowhere, grief hits full force.  Some might call them set backs, but perhaps they are just part of the grieving process.  Unfortunately there are no short cuts through grief.  We must experience it in all its raw emotion and messiness. Allow yourself the freedom to feel good on the good days, and feel bad on the bad days.  Eventually the bad days become fewer and fewer and hope will shine through and you will become stronger from the experience.

It’s hard enough to cope with one death, but when multiple deaths occur at the same time or in close succession it can be extremely overwhelming and the shock may lead to even greater grief. Hold on to family and friends because they can be invaluable when trying to cope with the death of more than one loved one;  ultimately you will need to work through this grief in order to truly survive the trauma.  We as human beings are incredibly resilient and I for one believe that much of our recovery depends on our own decisions to try and find meaning in the lives our loved ones shared with us and how we are better persons because of them.  I think the best love to have for someone is that kind that awakens the soul; plants fire in the heart and bring peace to the minds.  I hope you felt that kind of love from your mom and husband and you honor them by making the most of every minute of the precious life you still have on this earth.   Strangely enough, I think they both would want you to.

Know that you are in my prayers and you are never alone on this terrible journey.  We are here for you, but most importantly, God is here for us all.

 

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved two months ago next Tuesday. I can't imagine dealing with the pain I'm dealing with now in 2019... it scares me to think it's a possibility, but I've found some support in the online community I've found here. If nothing else is of comfort, know that you're not alone -- the rest of us are sharing at least part of your same journey, and all of us are grieving the loss of our true love.

Sorry about two losses together -- one loss is too much already. I can't imagine what you're going through -- sending healing thoughts and energy your way.

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I am sorry for your losses, Gabby.  I can’t imagine how difficult it must be grieving for two signicant people in your life.

Just a thought to tide you over till you get to see a counselor, maybe use the search function at the top of the page to find earlier posts.

You’ve come to a good place so keep posting.  I hope you will find the understanding, compassion and support here,  that I have found

Take it an hour or a day at a time. 

Sending strength, love and hugs.

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