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Tonight, oh this very cold and lonely night for me. I sit by my computer pouring out my feelings. It's been four months since my boyfriend Scott left my side. I still can't believe he is gone. All these four months I've been battling with random sadness. The first month which was September was exhausting! I would cry every morning and night. I was reading some article it said you cry so much you run out of tears! I ran out of tears several times, its very true. The second month October, I thought I was doing better or so I thought! I was able to smile and my heart did not feel as heavy. I lasted only a week and than I started sobbing one night. I cried once or twice a week. I reread our messages, listen to his voicemails and look at his pictures and as weird as this sounds I get tired of it and fall asleep! I can't believe I get tired of looking at his stuff?! It's probably because I cry non-stop! The third month November, I did the same thing. I cried every night, looked at his things and went to sleep. I kept thinking about Christmas and I wasn't as excited for Christmas. Finally December the fourth month, I kept thinking about him during Christmas. I still cried every night, wish he was here to hug me and to tell me its going to be alright. I noticed that I didn't see him in my dreams as much. And I hate that because we can communicate through my dreams. When I dream about Scott it feels like he is still alive. I want to be the old happy person I was. I know that I won't be the same because there is an enormous wound inside my heart that only he can cure! His return is my cure, my happiness but I know it is impossible. So, here I am sad, cold and lonely wishing upon him.  As I was brainstorming I thought I was going to be okay and not cry while typing. Currently, I'm wiping the tears out of my eyes because I keep thinking and remembering him. I cry in silence because I don't like telling people I'm crying for him. I do express that I miss him but crying in silence feels more comfortable. I try to find comfort, however knowing he is not around breaks me into pieces and I'm back to square one. I'm writing down the good times we had. This way I will never forget him! I have become a quirky person I like, reading Buddhist quotes, talking about ghost, talking about death, and going to spiritual stores. If a dog barks at me my first thought is Scott must be near me! HAHA, I am so ridiculous! Thank you for reading my sorrowful story! Here's a bittersweet quote I want to share with everyone:

" Life asked death, "Why do people love me but hate you?" death responded, "Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth""

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1 hour ago, sunflowerlove said:

 I have become a quirky person I like, reading Buddhist quotes, talking about ghost, talking about death, and going to spiritual stores. If a dog barks at me my first thought is Scott must be near me! HAHA, I am so ridiculous! Thank you for reading my sorrowful story! Here's a bittersweet quote I want to share with everyone:

" Life asked death, "Why do people love me but hate you?" death responded, "Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth""

That is one of the changes we have too.  If one day I think less about my husband, I will feel guilty.  Recently sometimes when I think about too much about him, I get headache.   This  is probably the body self-protection.

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I’m sorry you’re feeling so low, sunflower. Grief sure sux.  Quirky is good.  We each try all sorts of different things to get us through our pain.  

I can only connect with my hubby when outdoors and in the car, apart from two exceptions and both those times I’ve felt his presence beside me.  He can’t see me when I’m inside and when I’m outside I don’t actually feel his physical presence, but his messages are loud and clear.  I’ve braved some pretty cold temperatures to connect with him, in winter.  His contact had been lessening lately and I was scared I was losing that part of him too - that I’d have nothing but memories left.  He’s always made it clear that  ‘he is with me as long as I need him to be’.  But, he was back with me last night, encouraging me to continue with the legal issues and to follow my gut instinct.  I know it probably sounds balmy to some that I have such good contact with him.  I’m far from being nuts because since the day I saw the scene of where he was killed and heard the ridiculous story the Officer in charge of the investigation wanted us to believe, I’ve had to use my brain like never before.  

I’ve only had one nice dream about him and in it we had a cabin at a camping ground I didn’t recognise.  We were saying farewell to family and Grandkids that had visited us for the day.  We looked tired but happy as we waved them off and turned to go into our cabin. It was a bit odd they were going home as usually they’d stay a night or two with us.  Although it seemed weird to see us together - observing us from afar,  I wish I could have more dreams like that.  Going new places, fishing new waters and staying at camp grounds was what we loved doing most.  I miss those times so, so much.  We spent our first date camping and fishing.  I knew after a few days that he was my kinda guy. 

Your loss of Scott is still very fresh.  Our losses seem to hit us harder around the 4 - 6 month mark - maybe that’s when the shock starts wearing off.  Once you get through this phase you will start having easier, I can’t call them good or better days.  Keep coming here to read and post.  Share your memories if you like, and vent when you need to, you’re safe among kindred spirits.  

Sending you strength, love and hugs XX

 

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10 hours ago, sunflowerlove said:

as weird as this sounds I get tired of it and fall asleep!

Grief is exhausting work!  Emotional taxation takes it's toll, I'm glad you're able to get some much needed sleep!

Wow, that quote is hard hitting!

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sunflowerlove

I am so sorry for your loss and just reading your post brought me to tears.  It's been just over a year since I lost my Charles  and I find myself still having my "missing him" moments.  Losing someone so dear to you can have a way of changing you, I’ve found. It may not happen all at once, but when you look back to that day, when you look back to that moment in time, you might realize a marker was placed in your life. A marker that will forever remind you of before and after Scott , and the person you become in the after may look different than the person who was there before.  Losing Scott may have made you angry and bitter. Not always, and not every day. But when I look at couples cherishing a moment, a loved one I can no longer share a moment with, I feel angry because I can’t do the same. It doesn’t seem fair. I would beg and plead and give just about anything for one more moment with my Charles; but I can’t because he is gone. Losing someone has a way of changing you.  And the crazy thing about losing someone that is a part of you is the loss will always be missing. No matter what, my family feels is always achingly incomplete and the wrong can never be made right. It can never be fixed. Ever.  My life is irreparably broken without my Charles and will never feel a-okay again. Sure it will have moments of bittersweet joy, and bittersweet happiness, and perhaps I'll eventually laugh again, and find stupid things funny, but it will never again be what it once was. You might never again have the feeling that all is right in the world. You can’t fix it, mend it, or even cry it away. No matter how many years go by, the ache remains.

You may have a hard time imagining how life can go on without your loved one. But it does. Time is a funny thing. It stops for no one. Some days you might float above water, and your whole body will feel the glorious feeling of air hitting your skin above water– sun on your face– wind in your hair. Those are the very good days of grief, of life after loss. Over time there might be more of them, so embrace them when they come.  And eventually, the sad days start to pass. But the sadness lingers. It just chooses a different way of showing itself.  You may become more sensitive to sadness. Sometimes it might feel like you seek sad things out, but perhaps they seek you out.

Losing someone so close can make you question the good.  It can make you wonder why you were chosen, why your loved one was chosen. Why me? Why now? Why do bad things happen to good people? You’ll likely never get an answer, but you may always wonder. The thought always lingers there in the back of your mind. It can grow quieter with time, but on the days when you miss your loved one more than anything, it roars like a lion and you will want to roar right back. You may not have even thought you were capable of being a lion, but losing someone so dear has a way of changing you and you never see the world the same way again.

Know that you are in my prayers and I hope God gives you the strength to get through this difficult journey and the peace that heals your soul and mind.

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Beautiful, Francine, and so true.  I so appreciate your being here.

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