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Parker’s Mom

Lost My 24 Year Old Son, now my Sister is being awful toward me

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I am grateful to have found my way here.  I hope others can help, I have run into a surprising thing with my sister and dad.  My son, Parker, died a month ago.  I am devastated.  It was a complete surprise.  He died of a seizure.  I have been through waves of guilt, anger, frustration, intense sadness, depression, and also in some ways peace. I have begun to accept that no matter what I do, how I feel, what I talk about, or how I deal, the undeniable truth is he is never coming back.  This is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened in my life, and I have been through some really tough times.  I am a survivor, but this, nothing can prepare you for this.  It is too much to handle some times.  People who have been through this will know exactly what I am going through.

But to make matters worse, my sister is being really awful toward me.  As we were getting everything figured out, we tried to set up the Celebration of Life soon as many people were devastated.  He had a huge impact on people and was loved by many.  So before anything was even set in stone as to when we were going to do this, I contacted my sister, and asked her when she could be here.  At that point in time, it was wide open.

I knew my sister had a difficult schedule, so I asked her first when she could come for the Celebration of Life.  It was complicated, but many people were grieving and needed closure, including me.  She told me flat out that it wasn’t convenient for her until after Christmas.  I felt crushed, but had so much going on that I couldn’t even attend to it.  At first, my dad was supportive of me about that.  But just yesterday my sister got really angry with me for saying that I thought her not being there was unforgivable.  First, I didn’t say that, and second, and would have had to have come from my dad.  I did say I was really disappointed in her not being there.  I have also told her that directly.

I am grieving for my son, I am feeling like the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen, has happened.  And it feels to my like my sister is somehow making this about her.  If she really couldn’t have come, which I don’t buy, but let’s say that was true, all she would have had to have said to me was that she is sorry she couldn’t have been there, not that it was inconvenient for her.  I told her how that made me feel, but even worse, her saying the awful things she said is like salt in the wound.  The bottom line is she wasn’t there for me, and that hurts.

I have a huge amount of support from literally everyone else in my life, and have had nothing but kindness and understanding, except for from my sister and my dad.  I don’t get it.  My sister is definitely a selfish person but this takes the cake.  I don’t even feel like I can deal with this.  My head is spinning at the loss of my child, and someone in my family has to be so cruel.  I won’t go into all the horrible things she said to me, but suffice it to say that it makes it pretty clear that her job, her time, her life, and her in general are more important than anyone else, in her mind.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I do feel really angry that she would choose now to be so awful.  I wish I knew what to do, I have already made it abundantly clear that her behavior is unacceptable and that she is behaving selfishly.  I told her she needs to apologize to me, but I doubt if that will happen.  I wish there was something else I could do to feel better about this whole mess.  

I wonder if anyone else has had a similar situation, you are grieving a hug loss and people close to you act like complete jerks.  I’ve got to say, I am rally shocked at people’s behavior sometimes.

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First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.  I know how devastating this is, and I can say from experience that the first month following loss of a child you are still in shock.  The last thing that you need is a family conflict, so if there is any way to extricate yourself from the drama, please do.  

When my son died in August, I was totally blown away by the love and support that I received.  Some people stepped forward that I would never expected, and a few whom I thought would be by my side abandoned me totally.  In particular, my closest friend chose that time to tell me how selfish and self centered I was among other things.  It’s a long story, but it was unexpected and devastating not having her to turn to.  To this day, I don’t understand what came over her - it seemed to me that she resented the attention I was receiving.  She has experienced loss in her life but not a child - and it seemed to me that she thought my grief was overboard or something.  She has since tried to make it up to me, but I will never feel close to her again.  I was profoundly disappointed, and I realized that she was unable to empathize with my grief.  

Everyone behaves differently in this type of situation.  You are too deep into your loss to deal with your sister.  My advice for what it’s worth is to let it go.  You know your sister is a selfish person...it is truly sad that she is so self absorbed but it sounds like she is unlikely to change.  Turn to the people who show you love and compassion.  

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dewbs sorry for the loss of your son it is a deep pain that I know well. It is a sad fact that some people choose to bow out of our lives because we as grieving parents can be difficult to deal with. We are emotional sometimes a bit irrational and yes self centred because our family has been ripped apart in the worst way and we are reeling and trying to make sense of where we are and what to do. This is normal, we have to adjust to a life without our child in it and it is a hard unforgiving space. It takes a long time and a lot of soul searching to get to a place with some peace and acceptance that takes months and years and a lot of change to get to. trust yourself give yourself a break from anger and guilt and mourn the way you feel is right for you.

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I really appreciate you both responding.  This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with, and I keep struggling every day just to find some sense of regularity.  Normalcy isn’t the right word, although I wish it were.  Both of them apologized to me, I told them exactly how I felt, and totally let go of whatever their response might be.  I also got really clear with them about what is and what is not ok for me right now, which is pretty big for me.  I was always the people pleaser in the family, the one to try to fix everything.  At this point in my life, nothing matters all that much, because I have lost my child.  In a way, it’s good, because I needed to stand up for myself, and their response was actually very good.  They told me they love me and that I can say anything I want to, to them, about them, etc.  What a gift.

Now I just wish I could have a break from the pain.  I still struggle with Parker being gone, but I also have a strange awareness that who he is, him at his essence, will never die.  I miss the zany, funny, loving young man who often drove me totally crazy with his crazy ways of living life.  But I also have an incredibly deep respect for him.  I am grateful that I got to be his mom.  I will always be his mom, and I will always love him.  I am just so sad that he is gone.  Thanks for touching base, and I plan to write more about him, when I can.  He was a dear, loving man, who was a really good friend to so many people.  He spent his last hours on this Earth consoling a man who was homeless, had lost both his wife and his son, and was recently told he was dying of cancer.  Parker spent his last hours in complete love toward someone else.  There is nothing that could have made me feel more proud, more honored to have had him as my son.

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Parker's Mom and Dewbs, I am so sorry for the loss of your sons. There is nothing more devastating than losing a child, a part of yourself.  You lose that child's presence, their love, their future and sadly I know that too well also.  When you are at such a devastating point it it is unconscionable to have people act so mean and uncaring but unfortunately they do.  We know that people like that should just be ignored but we also know that in this fragile state the hurt just piles up on our already broken hearts.  Even though you cannot even think right now, you all need to take care of yourselves on a physical level.  I know, that is the last thing on your mind, but grief takes everything out of you. You are only a few weeks out from this life altering tragedy. You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind.  Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute.  It is a rough and rocky road ahead. Cry when you need to, I am sure it will come often. There is nothing wrong with that. The beginning of grieving a child is like no other and can be equated to a thought you deem too unbearable to think. It can be filled with blocks of denial, and visions of moments and days when it just doesn’t seem real.  We think about the "what ifs," as our mind is trying to take in and process what happened. We want so desperately to be able to go back in time and change the outcome. Your grief is as unique to you as was the love for your child.  Please come and join us on the Loss of a Child-Loss of an Adult Child. Go to the last page and you will find the active posts.  There are many parents there who share  and are kind and compassionate as they "get it".  Sharing your pain can help you process it. Your grief is your own and you will grieve in your own way and your own time. Don’t try to fit a mold or compare to someone else. Grief does not come with instructions.

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1 hour ago, TearsInHeaven said:

We think about the "what ifs," as our mind is trying to take in and process what happened. We want so desperately to be able to go back in time and change the outcome.

This is exactly where I am right now, and it is impossible to stop the w”what if’s,” as if there was something I could have done differently.  I will check out the link, and thanks so much for your kindness.

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parkersmom and dewbs these are for you. You will always be their Mum and they will always be your child.

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out of sight but always there......

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