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 My mom died 5 months ago and I am really struggling.  I have always lived with my mom and when I bought my house, she stayed with me.  I went from a child living at home to an adult eventually who needed to take care of mom.   I have no children or husband, it was just us (I do have siblings that are both married with kids and lives)  and over the last several year I was her caregiver, especially this last year.  Even had a full handicap bathroom installed in my living room with intention to have her move her bedroom downstairs into the living room.  The bathroom was finished the day before she went into the hospital and she died 4 days later.  She never used it.

 Today is January 1 and I have been off a week for the holiday break and go back to work tomorrow.  I am dreading it, because I know people will expect me to be back to my old self, which I don't think will ever happen.  For the last month some people would say  "I look better" I don't even know how to react to this comment.  It's like they think I had the flu or something and now I am better.  Meanwhile, I feel horrible, no motivation and I feel very disconnected to daily living.  So it is kind of confusing when they say I look better and yet I feel terrible.   The latest comment was  "well just get through the holidays and then its a New Year." Um, yes but that hasn't changed a thing for me.

Also, I am not sure I want to go back to the person I was and "feel good"  is that weird.  I am almost afraid to lose the raw feeling I have now.  I don't want to get use to her not being here.  Okay, sorry, I am all over the place with my thoughts.  Just needed to share.

thanks

 

 

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Dear smk,

I believe we are changed from loss.  I am.  I'm not the same person I was a year ago.  I don't know who I am in the world and where I fit in without my mom.  I'm not married or have children and I also was very close to my mom, so I completely know how you feel.  I am only just beginning to take steps for my future but basically for a year I have been depressed.  I don't talk about it to anyone because unless someone has been through it they can't possibly know.  As you have experienced, people say stupid thoughtless things.  How does one respond?  I usually say nothing.  People have said, you look great! to me when inside I feel like I'm dying.  Who knows what they see?  I'm so sorry things are so painful.  I understand.  We have to come to terms with our new reality and I think it takes a long long time.

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Sadandlost,

Thanks for responding and really understanding.   Hearing you describe exactly how I feel makes me feel less crazy and hearing it takes a long time makes me feel like I shouldn't be over it the way I know others think I should.

 

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Dear smk,

If I'm honest, I too didn't know this type of grief.  You only know it when you experience it.  Sometimes I feel quietly angry at others for not bothering to enquire how I am.  Not a single call during my first christmas alone and without my mom.  Then again I didn't have to pretend either.  Hiding away has been how I've coped but now a year has gone by, I know I have to move forward but its scary.  I'm pretty certain the grief doesn't leave, you just get used to living in a harsher new environment.  There is a reason Joan Didion's book the year of magical thinking (losing her husband then her daughter) was a best seller.  People need to understand what grief feels like.

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