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 My mom died 5 months ago and I am really struggling.  I have always lived with my mom and when I bought my house, she stayed with me.  I went from a child living at home to an adult eventually who needed to take care of mom.   I have no children or husband, it was just us (I do have siblings that are both married with kids and lives)  and over the last several year I was her caregiver, especially this last year.  Even had a full handicap bathroom installed in my living room with intention to have her move her bedroom downstairs into the living room.  The bathroom was finished the day before she went into the hospital and she died 4 days later.  She never used it.

 Today is January 1 and I have been off a week for the holiday break and go back to work tomorrow.  I am dreading it, because I know people will expect me to be back to my old self, which I don't think will ever happen.  For the last month some people would say  "I look better" I don't even know how to react to this comment.  It's like they think I had the flu or something and now I am better.  Meanwhile, I feel horrible, no motivation and I feel very disconnected to daily living.  So it is kind of confusing when they say I look better and yet I feel terrible.   The latest comment was  "well just get through the holidays and then its a New Year." Um, yes but that hasn't changed a thing for me.

Also, I am not sure I want to go back to the person I was and "feel good"  is that weird.  I am almost afraid to lose the raw feeling I have now.  I don't want to get use to her not being here.  Okay, sorry, I am all over the place with my thoughts.  Just needed to share.

thanks

 

 

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HUGS smk .... In reading what you've shared, I can relate to being the main caretaker to a parent.  I have a sister and brother and for various reasons this fell on me.  Helping a parent who falls sick is no walk in the park.  I remember having feelings of resentment and anger toward my siblings but in time I came to realise that this was a gift given to me.  Although it was a hard thing to do, it gave me much time to spend with my parents before they were taken "home."  I had some of the best conversations with my mom & dad while waiting in doctors offices or for tests.  Taking them to run errands was also quality time I had with them.  In looking back I am grateful that I was able to do those things with them.  

For me, there is no going back to the person that I was prior to all of this.  This is because things aren't the same and never will be.  My parents are no longer here and that is a HUGE change in my life in more ways than I can say.  The only way that I could be the person that I was is if I didn't have the love that I had/have for my parents.  That LOVE is what makes it all so hard but I wouldn't trade that LOVE for anything.....not even the sadness that I was left with when they passed on.  As time goes by I find that my thoughts and memories have gone from being painful to being grateful!  I am grateful for all of that time I was given to be with them and help them.

I hope this helps.....and good for you in helping your mom at her time of need.  

God Bless

Cindy Jane

 

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Thank you Cindy Jane it does help to hear others feedback and experience.  Hugs excepted!

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