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Ash

First New Year without my parents, spending it alone

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My parents passed away very close together (October and November) and I've already had to experience my first Christmas and Thanksgiving without them around. I've been feeling numb on and off ever since this all happened and now I keep crying on and off. I went bowling tonight with my godfathers family among a couple family members of my own, and that distracted me for awhile. But now that I'm home my emotions are starting to settle in...

Christmas wasn't good this year, but this feels even worse. If things had worked out for the better, I'd be sitting in my grandma's dining room playing Dominos with my mom and a few other family members, while my dad lays on the floor and just chills with us. I don't even know anymore. Their absence hits even harder bc usually I'd spend New Years with fewer family members than Christmas. We'd go out to dinner and then watch the ball drop on the TV at my grandma's. I'd be with my brother, grandma, grandpa, mom, and dad. Including me, that's six of us. But my grandpa passed away 3 years ago and now that my parents are gone, that means half of our New Year's crew is missing.

I'm home all by myself with my brother who I have never gotten along with, and my grandma went to bed when we took her home from bowling. 

I don't know what to do because frankly, whenever I cry I feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm also not sure whether I want to be alone, or with someone. I'm capable of driving, but I'm not sure if I'd want to go anywhere to see anyone as the weather is sorta crappy and I'm a bit of a new driver. I also can't really think of anyone who's really worth spending this holiday with.

I don't know I just feel really alone but also stuck and I'm probably just being depressing but I seriously can't believe I'm going into 2018 without my parents.

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Dear Ash,

I'm so sorry, I know its really hard without your parents and grandpa during the holiday season. I know how badly we all just want things the way they were before.

I wish I had a better answer. But I wanted you to know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Please know we are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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I am so so sorry x

You replied to one of my comments somewhere a week or so ago.. I wish we could go out for coffee or see a movie and be lonely together.. do you have any good friends you could maybe catch up with? It does do good just to hang out with someone for a bit and just talk about other things.. a distraction I guess.. 

I totally get you though. Everything does end up feeling pointless..

I spent New Years with two friends and the next morning one had to go off to lunch with her family and I had this weird feeling that I should also be going home, and I should be telling my mum how the night was and she would then decide we are going out and we'd go to her favourite antique stores and look around and just all be together as family and everything would just be normal. A lot of the time it seems like its in some other universe that all of this has happened. 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, there really isn't anything that can justify any of this rubbish that happens in the world because it really is just plain unfair. To lose both of your parents I really cannot imagine. THis world is sh*t.

 

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Dear Ash,

Everything you are going through is completely understandable and normal part of grief.  You lost both parents.  Its shocking.  All those emotions are what we all experience.

Its so hard to grasp grief and how it changes from numbness, to like a tsunami of different emotions.  Crying is normal.  Don't try to suppress it.  its been a year for me and there hasn't been a day I haven't cried a bit.  My first Christmas and New Years completely alone.  Surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It wasn't good of course but no worse than the almost 365 other days.  In fact it felt better to not have to pretend around others, please anyone and do absolutely nothing and watch netflix for days at a time!  I understand that feeling of not knowing what you want, what would make you feel better.  Sometimes I feel resentment that no one bothers to call me.  Family members, friends.  Other times I want to hide away and avoid the stupid comments people make.  

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Its going to take a long time for things to become normal.  The new normal I mean. Who knows what that is?  I haven't found my new normal yet.

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@reader Thank you for your  kind and thoughtful words. It can do good to be reminded that I'm not alone, especially when my grief makes me feel like it a lot of the time. @Whammy2 I have a few friends, but a lot of times they're either too busy, or I am. I do tend to hang out with people at least once a week, whenever I can find a good time that neither of us are too busy. Thank you for your concern. I know what you mean, because I'm still in denial and find myself being reminded by the little things that my friends might say about/do with their parents and family. This world is pretty messed up, I agree. It's really unfair and I feel angry a lot of the time that I'm only 18 and yet here I am without parents. @sadandlost Thank you for your comment. I bet it helped that you spent the holidays by yourself. My Christmas celebration felt so fake and just... wrong this year. It sucked, but I'm hanging in there. I ended up spending New Year's alone and I think it made things better for me that night. I realize though that things aren't ever going to feel the same again, and I don't expect it to.

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