Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Cb


Cb 261117

Recommended Posts

  • Members

My husband killed himself on the 26th of November 2017 .... he checked into a hotel and ended his life by using a hellium hood I don’t know how to cope with my emotions I’m still so shocked and have been putting on a mask each day if only for my daughters but deep inside I am desperately unhappy and the overwhelming grief is so painful I don’t know how to get out of this black hole I’m in ..... don’t really want to do the new year it was so hard doing Christmas but we got through it somehow. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m spending New Years with my family. Just taking it one moment at a time. I’m sorry that you’ve joined this forum but there are many people here who will give you advice and guidance. My husband died in his sleep on November 6th. I have 2 teenage daughters. It’s very difficult. Please check in here often. Prayers coming your way. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Cb261117

I am so sorry for your loss, suicide is hard because you're not only dealing with the loss but a thousand whatifs.  You don't say if you've seen a grief counselor yet or not but it could be of tremendous help to do so.  I hope you will check out these links, you aren't alone but it can feel like that, it's good to reach out for help and support.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/03/explaining-suicide-to-child.html

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I'm glad you have an appointment.  Hold on for that then.  And if the counselor doesn't resonate with you and you've given it three tries, find another one.  They aren't all the same.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I’m so sorry for your loss, cb. Not long now till you see a counselor.  I’ll bump up a thread I started a while back that may help you get through the days.  I am in need of reading it again myself tonight.  

Know my thoughts are with you and I’m sending you strength, love and hugs XX 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you M88 I am finding this forum very helpful at the moment it’s been real tuff taking baby steps at the moment since my husbands passing we have all had flu and now my youngest has been admitted to hospital with a breast abscess and suspected sepsis I want something good to happen in our lives this last five weeks have been the worst I have ever had  to deal with .... thank you for your kind words really appreciate it

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Awe, cb, I do feel for you with your child having such a health problem and being in hospital and for having to cope with you all having the flu ! Illness on top of grief is tough to handle.  I wish your child a quick recovery. 

We all here, desperately need and live in hope of something good to happen in our lives but sadly, in early grief we can only be grateful for the little things that occur occasionally, to lighten our sad days.  The road to healing is very long and full of pitfalls.  But one day, we may all have that something good happen.  In the meantime take heart from the kind, helpful people here in our special wee grief family.  We’re all here for the same reason and understand each other like no other can. 

I looked at many grief forums before deciding to join this one.  It was a wise choice and after venting my woes on another thread here last night, today I feel less angst and have been more productive than I was yesterday.  

Love n hugs to you XX

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@Cb 261117

I'm so sorry, you're new in this and then the holidays and the flu, it's got to be hard t hold up, and especially worrying about your child.  Hold on, it won't always stay as bad as it is now.  I hope you have a good counselor.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 12/30/2017 at 6:03 PM, Cb 261117 said:

My husband killed himself on the 26th of November 2017 .... he checked into a hotel and ended his life by using a hellium hood I don’t know how to cope with my emotions I’m still so shocked and have been putting on a mask each day if only for my daughters but deep inside I am desperately unhappy and the overwhelming grief is so painful I don’t know how to get out of this black hole I’m in don’t really want to do the new year it was so hard doing Christmas but we got through it somehow. 

I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine your pain.  Losing a loved one from natural causes is never easy; however, when you lose someone to suicide, it can feel different from other types of loss.  I think people who die by suicide don't necessarily want to end their lies, they just want to tend their pain; and being a victim of their own mind,  can be easy for them to do.  

Losing a partner is always difficult so expect to experience all kinds of emotions; and with grief, you will have intense ups and downs and everything in between; the healing process is always hard, but going through a suicide death makes the healing process even more challenging. Grieving is important and necessary.   You've lost your husband and your world has been torn apart; grieving is the process that helps put it back together.   I know of the black hole you refer to because I was there and felt the same as you.  But know that you can somehow get through it, it won't be easy and will definitely take sometime, but you eventually will climb out of it.  I was there where you are, wearing that mask around family and friends, trying to hide what I was really going through, and you know what -  in my opinion, was the wrong thing for me to do.  Life is too short to hide your feelings so don't be afraid to say what you feel.What can certainly help is reaching out to friends, family, and supportive others when you want to talk or need distraction; but if you feel as if you're losing all control, and  worried that you aren't coping, perhaps it is time to seek professional help. 

It is said that time heals all wounds; I don't know if it does or not - I'm not there yet.  I do know that as time goes on, your grief will diminish somewhat.  It won't be so intense or unbearable; but it does not mean you will forget your husband, it means you accept the death and will no longer enjoy his physical presence. But he will still be part of your life. Even though your relationship with your husband has forever have changed, its existence and your feelings live on forever.

I don't know what the year 2018 will bring or have in stored any of us; no one knows what the future will bring, but I know who holds my future -  God Almighty.  And as long as I'm in HIS hands, I'm sure I'll be alright!  My prayers are with you and I hope this year brings you peace.


 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you for your prayers and support I am glad I have come across this forum as I think my lonely bedtime became unbearable at least I know I’m not alone lots of thanks 

regards cb x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
21 hours ago, M88 said:

Awe, cb, I do feel for you with your child having such a health problem and being in hospital and for having to cope with you all having the flu ! Illness on top of grief is tough to handle.  I wish your child a quick recovery. 

We all here, desperately need and live in hope of something good to happen in our lives but sadly, in early grief we can only be grateful for the little things that occur occasionally, to lighten our sad days.  The road to healing is very long and full of pitfalls.  But one day, we may all have that something good happen.  In the meantime take heart from the kind, helpful people here in our special wee grief family.  We’re all here for the same reason and understand each other like no other can. 

I looked at many grief forums before deciding to join this one.  It was a wise choice and after venting my woes on another thread here last night, today I feel less angst and have been more productive than I was yesterday.  

Love n hugs to you XX

 

Thank you xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
19 hours ago, Francine said:

I think people who die by suicide don't necessarily want to end their lies, they just want to tend their pain; and being a victim of their own mind,  can be easy for them to do.  

I so agree.  I have said before, when I was early in my grief I wanted to hit a telephone pole at 120 mph...then I realized it's not that I wanted to die, I just didn't want to go through what I knew I'd have to go through if I lived.  So I set out to figure out how to help myself through this the best way I could.  Taking care of myself gives myself the best quality and clarity of mind I can hope for, so I eat healthy, walk every day, try to maintain a balance with being around other people, have purpose in my life, etc.  I've actually been hammered about my statement about suicide because some people felt I was oversimplifying...I'm not.  I know some have mental illness or other conditions and for them it makes it very hard, in their minds, to fight to live and keep on until things get better.  Hope is so essential to our survival!  For many people, they can't see that hope, and they give in and give up.  I guess the thing to remember is it wasn't a vote against staying with us, their real consideration was that they just didn't feel they could do this anymore.  crying-face_1f622.png.45c4e055372165b2bb21fabc0072adaa.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I haven’t checked in for a while but am at a loss today and needed just a little rant still can’t believe my husband left this world nine weeks ago I’m finding bed times and mornings the worse this is when I’m alone in my thoughts and I find myself reliving that dreadful day wen I found out my husband ended his life ..... I’m trying so hard to get back to some kind of normality but just can’t get there how do I cope ???

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

One minute at a time! I hate mornings too. It’s like you wake up and for a brief minute, you think is it a dream? Then realize it is your reality. It sucks! I find falling asleep isn’t as difficult. I think carrying the burden of grief throughout the day just exhausts me. Plus, i say my prayers and talk to my husband and hope he comes in a dream. I still cry at the drop of a hat. 

Take care!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@Cb 261117

I wrote this based on what I've learned over my twelve year journey.  The single best advice was taking one day at a time.  I wish you well.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a partner is difficult enough.  Losing a partner due to suicide takes it to another level.  My heart aches for you.  I would encourage you to get the help you feel you need.  Perhaps a skilled grief therapist will be helpful to help you make it through this initial period of grief.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I just lost a friend to suicide Monday morning.  It's tough.  As if losing someone you love isn't bad enough, this takes it to a whole other degree.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.