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roxybrown

MOURNING THE LOSS OF MY GREAT DANE

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Roxy 
My heart is broken in a million pieces. I knew it would be painful to lose her... but I never imagined how painful this would actually be. I’m lost. I miss her so much. I feel all the should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. I feel guilt. I feel regret. I feel like I’m going crazy with grieve. 
Roxy was a sweet 10-year-old girl. She was my soulmate dog. I was her person. I was truly her person. She liked other people but only truly loved me. And I loved her the same. She meant the world to me. She could ease my sadness, my pain, my fear and my anxiety, just by being close to me. She hated seeing me upset or mad. She hated it so much that she would move away from me when I cried. She was so silly and loving. She had so many specials ways about her. The way she smelled, the sounds she made and her gentle kisses and nudges. I don’t even know where to begin... but I feel like I need to vent this out to a community of people that may truly understand what its like to love a Dane and to suffer the loss of losing your best friend, your baby, your soulmate pooch. 
Roxy had been slowing down in the past few months to a year. Her backend was giving her issues. She was having issues jumping up and down from our bed, it would cause her to limp. So, we took our bed off the frame and laid our mattress on the floor to make it easier for her. It was harder for her to get up from laying position and to run and stand for long periods of time. She had good days and bad days but still seemed to be ok. Just a little slower. Age settling in. She still seemed happy. Fast forward to the past 3 months. My husband and I separated. He refused to leave the house. So, I had to move out. Of course, I rented a place that allowed dogs. I couldn’t image a live without my girl. I needed her, and she needed me. However, the house I rented has mainly all hardwood floors. She wasn’t comfortable here. It was even harder for her to get around. So, I didn’t make her live here with me. I still visited almost her every day, even if it was just for a few minutes. Brought her over for a few hours during the week and we had sleepovers at mommy’s house on weekends. During one of the visits, she was in heat and our male dog (neutered mutt) tried humping her, she collapsed and couldn’t get back up. I had to help her. It broke my heart and scared me so much. But she seemed to recover from that fall fairly well. She would get so excited to come with me. Sometimes even wag her tail and stand by her leash begging to come with me on days I couldn’t take her due to work or busy schedule. It broke my heart. I bought more throw carpets. I bought her a bed. I just went for third shift to first shift, with a lay-off coming up so I was trying so hard to transition my place, so it was comfortable enough for her to live with me full time, but I ran out of time before I could make that happen. In the past few months I really noticed the hunch back, the shaking leg while standing, needing to help her onto the couch and getting up from laying at times. She didn’t show pain. She still ate, drank, kissed me, cuddled me. Then Christmas Eve, she woke up at my house and she was really struggling. Throughout the weekend she pooped three times while laying down, like she didn’t know she had to go... couldn’t sense the urge. When I dropped her off at my exes, I told him she was having a really bad day. She was wobbly, kept collapsing, struggling to find strength to get up. On Christmas she was even worse. But was still able to get up and move around a little for half of the day. She always loved Christmas... but just laid there. I took her presents over to where she laid, and she opened one or two with my help, but it wasn’t the same. The day after Christmas, she couldn’t move at all. We got her up once. It was awful. Paws were knuckling, wobbly, weak but she tried to walk over to me wagging her tail saying, mommy I’m ok. But after that one time, she just laid. She just peed and pooped where she laid. I had to bring food to her. She wasn’t interested in water, but I could get a tiny bit in her. She was so uncomfortable. She wanted to get up, but she couldn’t. She wanted to reposition herself, but she couldn’t. I was with her the whole time. I never left her side for more than a few minutes. On Wednesday, her last day with us, she couldn’t move. We could tell she lost feeling in her back end. She ate. I fed her some leftovers for Christmas dinner. Her head was perked up. She would look for me if I had to get up for a moment to make a call or get something from the kitchen. She kissed me. Mentally she was still there. Completely. Mentally my baby was right there. Loving me and much I loved her. It was difficult getting her to the vet. She had to be carried of course, and she didn’t like that. She laid on the doggy bed I bought her just a few weeks ago, covered in urine, with her head perked up as we waited for the vet to come in. He said, we could spend about 10grand for an MRI, Surgery and Rehab but at her age, there was no guarantee that she would even be eligible for surgery or if the surgery was successful, how long it would buy her. I couldn’t imagine putting her through all that. Putting her through being laid up, uncomfortable and miserable for months just to have a few more good months with me. I couldn’t do that to her. I loved her too much to watch her suffer any longer. 
That’s where all the regret comes in. After reading through the forum, I read people that had similar issues that were able to manage it and their dog recovered. Did I give up to quickly? Then there’s the, I should’ve took her to the vet sooner. Maybe they could’ve gave her meds then to slow it down and give her more time. I would’ve moved heaven and earth and spared no expense to save my girl. And there’s the guilt. I’m so sorry. I just want her to know how sorry I am. Did she want more time? Was she ready to cross the bridge? Now there’s the crazy… researching pet mediums because I want so desperately to connect with her one last time. To tell her that I’m soooooooo sorry. To tell her that I love her fiercely and unconditionally. That I wasn’t mad at her for having accidents, that I didn’t care about that one bit, that I just thought she was in pain and suffering and I wanted to help her. And I’m sorry for moving out and losing so much time with her but I had plans to move her in. She was always in my heart and always in my plans. And I’m sorry that I didn’t take her to the vet sooner, I thought it was just old age and that she had more time. I’m just so sorry. And I miss her soooooo much. And I’m researching about dogs’ souls and pretending she’s still here with me. Trying to hear her. Trying to sense her. To feel her. I don’t know how to get through this. I know she would hate to see me in this much pain. I know I need to put my brave face on for my other dog and my daughters. I know I need to get up off this couch and begin to live again. But how do you do that when your heart is broken in a million pieces and the only being on this planet that made you feel better, is gone. 
I want to believe this was all in gods plan. That he knew losing her would be so tremendously painful for me that the past 3 months of not being with her constantly was a stepping stone in the transition and that she fell extremely ill during the holiday because I had time off work and could be by her side throughout her final days. I want to believe that I did the right thing. I want to believe that her spirit is still with me and that she can hear me apologizing and telling her how much I love her. 
 

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Three times she may have visited me in spirit:

I had a dream on Wednesday night.. It was a strange dream, there was kids causing mischief outside, i invited neighbors i didn't really know inside my home (my home was totally different in my dream) to talk about the mischief. I was apologizing for being out of sorts, explaining that i just had to put my dog down.. and an old lady i didnt know said, was she a black great dane? Shes right here with you. I woke up feeling like it was a message that she is still with me. Yesterday while i was having a crying spell in bathroom. I was sitting on the bathroom floor crying. I looked over and there was a really bright light with a rainbow ring around it reflected off my bathroom sink. I kept asking myself, is that Roxy. Is that her spirit? I tried to stare into it while i was talking and apologizing, but the light was too bright. I looked down and kept talking. After a few moments, it was gone. I looked around trying to figure out what could have caused the light but couldn't find anything. I begged for it to come back so i could believe it was her fully and say everything i wanted to say. But it didn't. And then today.. I've been sleeping on the couch with her collar folded up next to me. I got up to go outside for a cigg and when i came back in the collar was open in a circle shape. I could've possibly bumped it.. or maybe my other dog bumped it. But it was possibly another sign from her, that shes here with me. I'm still praying, wishing and waiting for her to come to me in my dreams so i can know she ok where ever she is and that shes happy, healthy and whole again. 

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Hi @roxybrown, First I am SO sorry for your loss. I know how heartbreaking it is. You did the right thing even though helping end a life never feels "right." We like to think "more time" would be good because that is what we want. But you did the hard thing putting her physical pain first rather than your emotional pain. That said, the love and bond you had with Roxy - she never doubted your love for a second. And at least you were there to care for her to the very end. 

How do you go on? It is not easy. You literally do what you can one day at a time - one hour at a time. There is a big hole in your heart and it takes a long while to heal.

I am glad you have been reading the forum. Though our losses vary, we all have very similar feelings, the guilt, the what-ifs, the incredible aching sadness. You are not alone in that respect. I wish I could do more or say more. It is a process and the early stages of grief are so painful. I talk to my cat and tell him I miss him and I love him. Do it, I believe her spirit is with you and she is happy and out of pain.

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thank you so much for your reply. It is comforting to know that i am not alone and that there are people out there that truly understand how painful it is to lose your fur-baby. 

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roxybrown,

I agree with AJWCat, you did the right thing for her and it would never feel "right" but we have to do what's ultimately best for them, not us, and keeping them here with us even though it means pain and suffering for them, that just isn't right.  I had a dog named Lucky, a 14 year old Whippet/Dalmatian, and she had incontinence the last two years of her life, was losing her hearing, and sometimes her back end or legs would go out from under her.  When I heard her whimpering during the night, I knew it was time.  Sure, she could have lived another few months maybe, but at what price?  I couldn't put her through that just for the sake of keeping her alive.  

It is the hardest thing in the world making this decision for our dog/cat...they are our babies.  But your decision was based on selflessness and caring, and that's when you know it's right.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Thank you Kay. I am feeling a bit better today. The only problem is, the better i feel, the less i feel her presence. Perhaps, in a way, i'm setting her free to be happy in her afterlife instead of having to watch over me and comfort me. But i miss feeling her presence. I keep trying to remind myself, that i want her to be happy. I don't want her to be upset. I want her to make friends and maybe even find a new mommy in her spirit life.. because i love her so much and i don't want her to be sad or lonely. I know she loved me the same and would want the same for me. I'm sure i have a long road of healing ahead of me.. good days and bad. But today, when looking at some older pictures of her, i smiled.. remembering her when she was younger and healthier. Remembering all the silly things she used to do to make me laugh and smile. I paid for a pet-medium session. The session is for Friday. I'm believe that animals have souls and spirits the same as humans. I believe that Roxy is still with me. I believe that there are people that can communicate with the deceased.. but i'm still a little nervous that some of the 'physics' profit off of our grieve and fragile state.. so i'm hoping that i selected a 'real' medium and that she is able to connect with my Roxy to help me communicate with her. I may be crazy but something lead me to researching mediums and feeling the need to try. 

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Also - I used to have a crafting business. It did fairly well. But my cousin and I didn't have the time to keep it going so we stopped. I'm thinking about getting back into crafting again but this time to make pet memorial crafts. I wanted to make something for myself to display in my home in honor of Roxy. I'm sure there are other people that would love something similar so i'm thinking about making personalized pet memorial crafts at half the price i've been finding them for online. Not sure if its something i can make a go of or not, but its something i can sink my heart, my heartache and love for animals into it. 

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Dear roxybrown,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is deep. I think your idea of a pet memorial crafts is a wonderful idea. I know many people would appreciate this and its a great way to honor Roxy.

Thinking of you.

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I would think there'd be a call for pet memorial items.  I just bought one for the cat I lost 1 1/2 years ago.

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On 12/30/2017 at 5:47 PM, roxybrown said:


That’s where all the regret comes in. After reading through the forum, I read people that had similar issues that were able to manage it and their dog recovered. Did I give up to quickly? Then there’s the, I should’ve took her to the vet sooner. Maybe they could’ve gave her meds then to slow it down and give her more time. I would’ve moved heaven and earth and spared no expense to save my girl. And there’s the guilt. I’m so sorry. I just want her to know how sorry I am. Did she want more time? Was she ready to cross the bridge? Now there’s the crazy… researching pet mediums because I want so desperately to connect with her one last time. To tell her that I’m soooooooo sorry. To tell her that I love her fiercely and unconditionally. That I wasn’t mad at her for having accidents, that I didn’t care about that one bit, that I just thought she was in pain and suffering and I wanted to help her. And I’m sorry for moving out and losing so much time with her but I had plans to move her in. She was always in my heart and always in my plans. And I’m sorry that I didn’t take her to the vet sooner, I thought it was just old age and that she had more time. I’m just so sorry. And I miss her soooooo much. And I’m researching about dogs’ souls and pretending she’s still here with me. Trying to hear her. Trying to sense her. To feel her. I don’t know how to get through this. I know she would hate to see me in this much pain. I know I need to put my brave face on for my other dog and my daughters. I know I need to get up off this couch and begin to live again. But how do you do that when your heart is broken in a million pieces and the only being on this planet that made you feel better, is gone. 
I want to believe this was all in gods plan. That he knew losing her would be so tremendously painful for me that the past 3 months of not being with her constantly was a stepping stone in the transition and that she fell extremely ill during the holiday because I had time off work and could be by her side throughout her final days. I want to believe that I did the right thing. I want to believe that her spirit is still with me and that she can hear me apologizing and telling her how much I love her. 
 

@roxybrown I'm so sorry for your loss. I am new to this forum and I have recently lost my daschund puppy K to what was initially thought out to be kennel cough and pneumonia but then later diagnosed as congenital heart disease but it was too late by then. He was only 6/7 months old. Reading about your regret and guilt really hit me. I regretted not taking him to the vet soon enough. I didn't even know what started off as a cough was actually a cough, I just thought something scratched his throat. I wondered if I should have insisted sooner than later for ECG's and xrays instead of just saying not it's probably not all those serious things it must just be pneumonia. I don't ever blame the vet whatever she did, she did right. I looked online all symptoms seemed to be exactly kennel cough and pneumonia and all the medication was correct. I say sorry to this day.. I hope he never thought we didn't try to treat him. We kept giving him these medications and he didn't get better. I hope he didn't think we made things worse or that we couldn't treat him. We really did all that we could in that short amount of time. I also went through a few days of searching for an answer and looking up pet psychics to talk to him and tell him I'm sorry but over time i realised his bond was with ME and I believe what I say and what I put out to him he will hear and he will know, as I hope he felt the love and devotion and positive energy from us when we were nursing him to recovery. I think Roxy knew you loved her very deeply and that you really were doing the best that you could do for her. She felt it in your energy. 

I'm finding it hard to get back to work but somehow life must go on however hard. I'm glad you got to be by her side when she really needed you most.. I hope you start to feel a bit better. It's so tough though I feel your pain. Take each day as it comes. 

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