Why am I not grieving

[Mumto4]

This is my first post so please be gentle. My mum passed two weeks ago very very suddenly. She was just 57 (would of been 58 tomorrow) I was with her as she got out the shower and complained she had pain. Mum just collapsed and stop breathing. I have cpr until the ambulance came but it didn’t work. Turns out it was heart disease which mum nor me had any idea. 

So that was two weeks ago. I had a few minutes of crying but that’s it. I have been very very busy. With organising the funeral, meeting with accountants, pro bate solicitors, bank manager etc. You see we run a medium size family business and it’s been none stop. I’m working most nights even over Christmas as I have 30 odd staff to look after. 

My dad died 3 years ago aged just 63 with 6 month battle with Leukaemia. 

So now my problem is I feel normal. Like nothing has happened. I even managed the eulogy  Without a tear yesterday. It’s not like I wasn’t close to my mum. We was together nearly everyday. We worked together and I even moved next door to her a few years ago and spent most nights round there. She was my best friend. Everyone is saying how strong I’ve been but I really wish I could cry. I don’t feel anything. Nothing at all. 

Am I normal or am I a monster. 

[Amandawvu]

Mumto4,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum. My pastor told me there is no certain way that every person grieves, which you may also of heard.  Everything you are going through is normal. 

I was in shock? (If that is the right word)  as I now look back. It took me some time before I could relax and try or maybe was ready to process it. I try in moments of thought,  and if quiet,  just stay in the moment of thought when something comes up.

Please know I am thinking and praying for you and you are not alone.

[reader]

Dear Mumto4,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm very sorry for your loss. Please don't be hard on yourself. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. It sounds like there is a lot on your shoulders and you are doing the best you can to manage a difficult time.

Please don't worry if you are crying or not right now. Just do what is right for you.

My grandmother passed two months ago and everyone thought I would cry a lot more but I didn't. Even my own sisters cried more at her funeral than I did. I tried to let it be for now. Like Amanda said it could take time for the shock to settle in. And even if it doesn't you are okay and you are not a monster at all.

Take care. Thinking of you and your family.

[sadandlost]

Dear Mumto4,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I believe you are in shock.  It is hard to even acknowledge shock because sometimes there is no feeling at all.  Others say they feel numb.  i think because you have had a lot to do and organise and still have a lot to do with the family business, it might be a huge distraction and you are just getting on with it.  As the others have said, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  It doesn't mean you had less love for your mum because you are not sobbing all day.  I think as time goes on and you begin to process everything, different emotions will come up.  I'm very sorry for your loss.  Reach out when you need to.

[Dgiirl]

First, My condolences on your loss.

Second, You are definitely not a monster.  As everyone has said, we all grieve in our own way, and differently for different people.  When my father passed away last year, I felt very numb.  I didn’t break down or cry like I thought I would, and I was very close to my dad.  Eventually the numb turned into depression for a few months and eventually the tears came.  Now that it has been a year, I’m feeling more now than I did last year.  I’m angry and don’t want to celebrate the holidays and want to be alone.  But I know in time this will pass too.  It’s just part of the journey.  I also know that past life experiences have somewhat prepared me to handle this journey, and I know the loss of my father has prepared me for the future.  And so each experience has been affected by previous experiences and will be often different than others.

The most important thing to do when grieving is to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel, whether that is shock, numb, sadness or depression. As long as you don’t bottle up your emotions and prevent yourself from crying when you do cry, every thing will come out when it needs too and when you are ready.

Be kind to yourself. Often we say the cruelest things to ourselves we would never say to anyone else.