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VelaBird

Rescued baby dove died, can't get over it.

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On 3rd of December of this 2017, I found a fallen nest with 2 baby doves, one dead and the other knocked out. I rescued the knocked out one and named it Flimsy.

During 10 days, I would feed it, give it a little space resembling a nest and a heating light. But on 13th, without any warning, I found it laid down, completely still and with a complete state of Rigor mortis. I was shocked, it wasn't sick or anything, it was fine the days before that, not even my father did found any illness!  I ran crying to my mom and she hug me. (I'm 12 years old), but we had to go on a School event, which after it we borrowed Flimsy in my garden.

15 days after, and I still can't get over it. My father won't help either, he gets extremely mad at me for crying. Since almost nobody supported me I decided to make this post in a desperate attempt to seek help, since I think it's mentally ill to cry over something so stupid...

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Hi @VelaBird you are not stupid for crying, but some people do not understand when someone else has a deep connection to animals. Your Dad has probably had many losses over the years and so he might not be as sensitive to it as you. But do not feel bad about that.

It is tough to lose something you care about. I am really sorry to hear that Flimsy passed away. I know how painful it is to lose an animal you come to love. Please remember that she is at peace now. She may have not shown the pain or illness that was deep inside her. We don't always know what is going on with animals - even vets miss things sometimes. 

Let yourself cry and grieve this loss - when you can. Try to remember the good thing you did helping her and at least giving her a peaceful and safe place to try and recover. At least she had a chance thanks to you, it was just too much for her to survive. I am sorry you had to go through the loss. 

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2 hours ago, VelaBird said:

On 3rd of December of this 2017, I found a fallen nest with 2 baby doves, one dead and the other knocked out. I rescued the knocked out one and named it Flimsy.

During 10 days, I would feed it, give it a little space resembling a nest and a heating light. But on 13th, without any warning, I found it laid down, completely still and with a complete state of Rigor mortis. I was shocked, it wasn't sick or anything, it was fine the days before that, not even my father did found any illness!  I ran crying to my mom and she hug me. (I'm 12 years old), but we had to go on a School event, which after it we borrowed Flimsy in my garden.

15 days after, and I still can't get over it. My father won't help either, he gets extremely mad at me for crying. Since almost nobody supported me I decided to make this post in a desperate attempt to seek help, since I think it's mentally ill to cry over something so stupid...

No it's not stupid and no you're not mentally ill.  I'm sorry if someone gave you that impression, it's very incorrect.  You are grieving.  If it's worth grieving, it's valid, it is meaningful to you.

Not everyone understands about grief.  In our culture people have a lot to learn about grief, and it'd do well for them to educate themselves about it.  But they just don't know.

I'm so sorry for your pain, I know it's hard.  Every life is important and this one was important to you, so much so you took care of it, you named it.  I rescued a sparrow at work one time and brought it home and my son and I took turns taking care of it...he did the most work because he cared for it while I was at work, and we took turns getting up in the night and feeding it.  It was a lot of work, mother birds are very busy!!  One morning my son let out an anguished cry...somehow the cat had managed to reach in and unlatch the opening to the cage and gotten at it.  We felt what I imagine you are feeling now.  You can't take care of something around the clock and not feel for it.  All of our best efforts were not enough.  Or were they?  They did give him a few days of life that he wouldn't have had otherwise.  I imagine to that sparrow and to your dove, it meant the world!

I believe all creatures have a spot in heaven and I believe we will be reunited.  I believe that's where your dove happily awaits you even now.

 

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On 12/28/2017 at 11:30 AM, KayC said:

No it's not stupid and no you're not mentally ill.  I'm sorry if someone gave you that impression, it's very incorrect.  You are grieving.  If it's worth grieving, it's valid, it is meaningful to you.

Not everyone understands about grief.  In our culture people have a lot to learn about grief, and it'd do well for them to educate themselves about it.  But they just don't know.

I'm so sorry for your pain, I know it's hard.  Every life is important and this one was important to you, so much so you took care of it, you named it.  I rescued a sparrow at work one time and brought it home and my son and I took turns taking care of it...he did the most work because he cared for it while I was at work, and we took turns getting up in the night and feeding it.  It was a lot of work, mother birds are very busy!!  One morning my son let out an anguished cry...somehow the cat had managed to reach in and unlatch the opening to the cage and gotten at it.  We felt what I imagine you are feeling now.  You can't take care of something around the clock and not feel for it.  All of our best efforts were not enough.  Or were they?  They did give him a few days of life that he wouldn't have had otherwise.  I imagine to that sparrow and to your dove, it meant the world!

I believe all creatures have a spot in heaven and I believe we will be reunited.  I believe that's where your dove happily awaits you even now.

 

Thanks, it makes me feel way better to know I'm not the only kid that loves birds :D . The problem, as I said, is that my father HATES when I cry, and says that if I keep crying, he will not let me rescue any other bird, which I totally understand, I mounted a show with my grief. But it's the very first time I got to rescue a baby bird (other times adults won't let me) and it's the VERY first time I have any kind of loss.

But maybe it's normal to grief for a pet, that its my first lost, but it's been TWO WEEKS since then and I still cry. Not agonizing like the first 2 days but still loud. The only thing that temporarily distracts me is TV, and it's weird, I never watch TV normally.

And to keep this painful to read: The same day I found my little Flimsy dead, we found ANOTHER baby dove abandoned, but this one has more than a month, it can fly and has TERROR of me. But I want to free it since it only makes me cry more, I haven't named it and I don't want to. At least I don't have to feed it, it already drinks and eats pierced wheat.

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On 12/28/2017 at 11:12 AM, AJWCat said:

Hi @VelaBird you are not stupid for crying, but some people do not understand when someone else has a deep connection to animals. Your Dad has probably had many losses over the years and so he might not be as sensitive to it as you. But do not feel bad about that.

It is tough to lose something you care about. I am really sorry to hear that Flimsy passed away. I know how painful it is to lose an animal you come to love. Please remember that she is at peace now. She may have not shown the pain or illness that was deep inside her. We don't always know what is going on with animals - even vets miss things sometimes. 

Let yourself cry and grieve this loss - when you can. Try to remember the good thing you did helping her and at least giving her a peaceful and safe place to try and recover. At least she had a chance thanks to you, it was just too much for her to survive. I am sorry you had to go through the loss. 

Yes, my dad says that he has had so many losses over the years that he doesn't even care. As I said, my dad hates when I cry, and annoys my sister (My mom is almost never at home), so I have to cry very silently, which just seems to extend my grief. Explaining my feelings just seems to make my family angrier, I don't know how to handle this.

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Quick update: Sometimes I forget about Flimsy and I'm happy, but when in the morning I remember the day... Or in the afternoon I remember when I rescued it... It can't be a single day without crying... Just walking into my room gives me anxiety and I get sad again.

And I feel like a really bad pet owner, the tought it died because I feed it little food, every large amounts of time. The first days I couldn't sleep because of that.

And to make things worse, my family supported me on the next days after Flimsy's death. But now that 2 weeks passed they won't let me grief...

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12 hours ago, VelaBird said:

Yes, my dad says that he has had so many losses over the years that he doesn't even care. As I said, my dad hates when I cry

I think this is telling.  Your dad's response is more about him and less about you or your grief response.  Perhaps you can do your crying away from your dad so it doesn't bother him.  Do you have a school counselor you could talk to?  I'm glad you're able to express yourself here, it does help to not have to bottle it up.

Maybe the second bird was to help you through this and now that it's done it's part, you can set it free.

Many people in our society don't understand about grief.  They don't understand that everyone is unique in how they handle grief and there is no set timetable for it, no "shoulds".  Our society has much to learn with regards to grief...we can continue to feel sorrow and miss the one we lost but in time we learn to adjust to the changes that it means to us.  We don't "forget" them, but we do learn to live with it.  We can't expect someone to "move on" or "get over it" in two weeks or in any set time, that is something we all have to work out for ourselves.  Our society is a "hurry up" society and unfortunately we give little patience to people...maybe it a part of our changing times where we have fast food and expect instant results.  Oh to take the time to sit with one and let them just be! Your family cares, but like most people just don't understand about grief...none of us do until we're there in it.

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23 hours ago, KayC said:

Maybe the second bird was to help you through this and now that it's done it's part, you can set it free.

Many people in our society don't understand about grief.  They don't understand that everyone is unique in how they handle grief and there is no set timetable for it, no "shoulds".  Our society has much to learn with regards to grief...we can continue to feel sorrow and miss the one we lost but in time we learn to adjust to the changes that it means to us.  We don't "forget" them, but we do learn to live with it.  We can't expect someone to "move on" or "get over it" in two weeks or in any set time, that is something we all have to work out for ourselves.  Our society is a "hurry up" society and unfortunately we give little patience to people...

The second bird may satisfy the time I wanted to feed my Flimsy... But it only makes me cry more because it makes me remember how loving was my little Flimsy and this one bruises itself trying to escape...

I remember the day when Flimsy died, It was 4PM and I didn't processed that Flimsy wasn't there, so I go to feed it... But the box was empty. That made me drop to the ground and almost scream in my pain. Its perdition was so sudden that the shock just made me think it was there, even after the crappy funeral we gave it.

At times I totally forget about it, but when I think of it, when it was rigid on the box. I run into a maze of terrible thoughts, I even cry because instead of burning it and save the ashes I buried it, to rott and never to see it again. (This is the worst thought of all and it gives me insomnia)

 

My family seems to not know anything of this and won't understand, even when I cry lonely, I feel the pressure of my family to stop now.

I miss it so much...

 

 

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I'm sorry for all of the feelings you're experiencing, it's hard.  There's nothing wrong with burying their body, some also feel it's a desecration to cremate...honestly, we have to do something with them, but remembering they are not their bodies but are spirit and that continues, well that helps.  

I wish so much that your family would get you grief counseling, you really need it.  You are a sensitive soul and nothing wrong with that, but you might need help getting through this.  Do you have a school counselor you could talk to following the holiday break?

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Agree with KayC, and - or, maybe you can also share with a friend who understands? Try to think of it this way - not sure your beliefs but I think when an animal passes away, the body returns to the earth. It is the circle of life (to quote the Lion King!) and it's just part of life. The soul though - the spirit goes on - happy and out of pain. Your little bird that you saved would not want you so upset. She'd want you happy and living to help other people and animals to honor her. I try to look at it that way. I hope you can in time too. 

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

I wish so much that your family would get you grief counseling, you really need it.  You are a sensitive soul and nothing wrong with that, but you might need help getting through this.  Do you have a school counselor you could talk to following the holiday break?

My entire family is against me and my dad is selling all of my pets if I cry one more time. I have no choice other than bottling my feelings up.

My few friends don't even care at this point.

I'm on summer vacation until March.

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VelaBird  I am so sorry for the loss of your little bird.It looks so fragile and so sweet. I am so sorry for your pain. Please don't feel guilty. I remember my vet telling me that very young birds usually cannot survive without their mother ,no matter how well we may take care of them.(I tried to nurse one that, like your Flimsy, had fallen from its nest but it didn't make it).The fact that your birdie lived for a full 13 days shows how well you took care of it. Pet loss is so heartbreaking and I am sorry you had to experience this so young.You have a right to grieve and to express your grief, no matter what people around you say. Loss is loss,whether of a human or an animal and the feelings that accompany it have to be respected. Unfortunately this does rarely happen with the loss of a pet. My heart breaks for you, that you have no support in this and that you are forced to keep your feelings inside .It shouldn't be this way. If it's possible try to find a quiet place outside your home, in nature, where you can go to express your feelings undisturbed.This will help you when no one around you will listen to your pain. And keep writing here, to us, we will listen.

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13 hours ago, Maria9 said:

VelaBird  I am so sorry for the loss of your little bird.It looks so fragile and so sweet. I am so sorry for your pain. Please don't feel guilty. I remember my vet telling me that very young birds usually cannot survive without their mother ,no matter how well we may take care of them.(I tried to nurse one that, like your Flimsy, had fallen from its nest but it didn't make it).The fact that your birdie lived for a full 13 days shows how well you took care of it. Pet loss is so heartbreaking and I am sorry you had to experience this so young.You have a right to grieve and to express your grief, no matter what people around you say. Loss is loss,whether of a human or an animal and the feelings that accompany it have to be respected. Unfortunately this does rarely happen with the loss of a pet. My heart breaks for you, that you have no support in this and that you are forced to keep your feelings inside .It shouldn't be this way. If it's possible try to find a quiet place outside your home, in nature, where you can go to express your feelings undisturbed.This will help you when no one around you will listen to your pain. And keep writing here, to us, we will listen.

I'm really upset because on the very first days I tried to bottle my feelings, but on those days my family understood and supported when I cried. Now that I decide to stop bottling my feelings my entire family hates me because "it's too much time, just get over it" Basically: I bottled my feelings when my family supported me and released when it's too much time. And since my house is bigger than my garden there is no way, it really feels like a prison.

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I am so sorry.  My feelings are as Maria's.  I can't imagine what it must be like.  I had to look up on a map where you live, so you're in the southern part of America, it seemed odd to me that it'd be summer there when we're in the early winter.  I live in the country and can easily go into the forest, away from civilization.  To not have a place to go to to cry, scream, it's hard for me to imagine.  Perhaps you can write your feelings then, since you don't have the luxury of being alone.  I know different cultures view death and mourning differently, but having studied grief the last twelve years, I know it's not healthy to just bottle it up.  You are young so your friends are young and probably don't have a comprehension of death and grief yet.  I only know if your family was touched by loss themselves they would have a greater understanding of what it feels like.  It's something you can't know unless and until you're there.

For everyone else it's "just a bird", for you, it was a creature you came to know, touched, loved, cared for.  In time the intensity will ease and it'll be easier for you to handle, but for now, you're really feeling it and suppressing it doesn't make it disappear.  My kids' dad is Italian, and I remember when my son was young, he was sensitive, and his father would yell at him if he cried.  Now he is a father himself and he raises his little ones differently, he's more sensitive to allowing them to be themselves.  This could be an impact for you, that when you are grown, it will be something you consider and think about, how you raise your children.  I'm glad my son is taking with him the good things he learned from us, but improving on it too.

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VelaBird I  agree with KayC, since you cannot voice your feelings in front of others try to write them down.It is not healthy to bottle them up. It is so hard when people around us do not understand our grief and even more when we are not allowed to express it. Your grief is normal and valid and needs to be expressed, like every other human feeling. Do not think, even for a moment, that you haven't the right to do this. I don't think your family hates you, I think that your grief makes them worried and upset,and like most people, they don't know how to handle it.

KayC I know what you mean ...Greek and Italian cultures are very similar. In my country the only socially acceptable form of grieving for men is anger. Anything else would make them look weak or "feminine". And this leads to so many problems,it is so sad...I am glad too that your so raises his kids in a different way.

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It's night, I just... after all the pressure just broke crying silently, I just can't think of other thing that my little Flimsy dead and a music box from background, if not that I get extremely angry because I bottled my feelings when I could have received support. My daily routine has changed, instead of playing games on my PC all day, I walk on circles in my house and entertain making balls with random strings from my pillow, and rarely use any technology.

I don't know exactly what you mean with writing my feelings down.

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I am so sorry you are going through this...to have all this pressure while you're grieving. Let yourself cry whenever you have a little privacy (I don't know if you have your own room).I understand why you cannot think of anything else than your Flimsy, you miss him so much. Anger is part of grief but please don't take it out on yourself. Maybe you didn't bottle up your feelings at first, maybe you were just numb from shock, as many people are after a big loss. Don't blame yourself for your reactions, no matter what they were. It is also very common for our routines to change after a loss, but maybe getting out for a bit of air could help you. As for writing your feelings down, you could write a letter to your Flimsy telling it all that you feel and how much you miss him. Or you can imagine you're talking to an understanding friend and write down all your thoughts and feelings, exactly as you feel them, do not censor them . You can start : "i am angry because...." and then go on, like you're doing here.

VelaBird I won't lie to you, there is no easy way through this. When we lose a creature we love it hurts.But with time the pain will lessen and things will be easier, though we'll always miss them.Remember to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself as you're going through this. I wish I could help you more. Keep posting here.

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Write down how you are feeling in a journal, like you do here.  You aren't allowed to voice them to a person, but you can write them out, it's a form of release to express yourself.  It validates your feelings, what you're experiencing.

Also, going for walks can be helpful.  Any form of exercise really, but walks especially because you can think even while your body is releasing endorphins that make you feel better.

 

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I thought of you when I saw this posted on my other grief site this morning.
 

Vulnerable, Like a Bird
January 3 
S.gif
c6e5f002-315f-4dd3-94d7-bcdf6f2356db.jpg
Photo courtesy of SDGimagery.com
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Life is precious. Not because it is unchangeable, like a diamond, but because it is vulnerable, like a little bird. To love life means to love its vulnerability, asking for care, attention, guidance, and support. Life and death are connected by vulnerability. The newborn child and the dying elder both remind us of the preciousness of our lives. Let's not forget the preciousness and vulnerability of life during the times we are powerful, successful, and popular.
Henri Nouwen

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Velabird, I can somewhat empathize with your loss. Note my screen name? Well, I rescued a squirrel baby from a cat in 1998. I named him Sparky for the spark of life he had in him. I took care of him for 11 days. I got him antibiotics for his cat bite. I thought he would make it. He went in to respiratory distress and died in my hands. It was devastating. I was a mother with two small boys, but this little creature had become another "baby" to me. My husband didn't understand. He told me it was silly to cry over an animal I only knew for 10 days. I think some men don't know how to deal with our pain. I had to cry and grieve in private. I'm sorry you're having to go through this alone. It really does suck. But, please know, time will heal. It took me over a year to try to rehab another squirrel. When I did, I didn't even name her! We called that little rascal "squirrel girl" for over a year. It was that long because she would come hang from my screen door every few nights and want to be let in to her cage in the house. I think she didn't actually leave our "nest" until she had a litter of her own. She would bring them back down to our feeder and come take peanuts from my hand for quite a few years. 

Please know that the heart of a rescuer runs deep and only time heals our losses. I wish you luck and love with your grief.

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Another terrible incident happened:

3 days ago we found yet another bird, this time a baby sparrow. He died some minutes ago from a grave digestive problem caused by the diet my Father told me to give him.

Lucky me I didn't form a bond with him because I knew it was going to die. But not in a so gruesome and painful way. I may not feel sad for the bird, but yes because I just can't imagine the agony that he had to live through his last hours, all because I listened to my Father instead of following my instinct of giving him grinded wheat. Also, his body is almost covered in a yellow mucose, meaning that he vomited seconds before his dead.

 

I just can't imagine! When I get some stomach problem and vomit it's an AGONY. This poor little bird had to handle that for 2 days, and it's all my fault. Sorry if I repeat myself.

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Maybe  try googling information on what to feed different birds.  Also, it helps to keep in mind that these birds are stranded for a reason, and it could be they'd die regardless.  You've tried to help them and that help is better than nothing.  I think they know you're trying to help them and that in itself is comforting to them.

Is there a bird rescue they could be taken to when you find them?  Also, if there is one close enough, could you volunteer there and maybe learn a little about rescue from them?  It sounds like that's something you'd like to do and be good at with proper instruction.

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VelaBird I agree with KayC in everything.And please don't blame yourself, you were only trying to help this bird, as best as you could. Taking care of birds is not easy, their health is fragile and depends on a lot of things. I think that volunteering at a bird rescue is an excellent idea, you will learn so many things.

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On 1/6/2018 at 1:26 PM, KayC said:

Maybe  try googling information on what to feed different birds.  Also, it helps to keep in mind that these birds are stranded for a reason, and it could be they'd die regardless.  You've tried to help them and that help is better than nothing.  I think they know you're trying to help them and that in itself is comforting to them.

Is there a bird rescue they could be taken to when you find them?  Also, if there is one close enough, could you volunteer there and maybe learn a little about rescue from them?  It sounds like that's something you'd like to do and be good at with proper instruction.

I live in Chile. Vets and doctors only care about MONEY!!

And if you don't like paying 300'000 CLP (About 450 Dollars) for each suture stitch, you can go on a public hospital and pay 1/10 of the said amount, but wait about 5 hours until is yer turn.

And vets are professionals... ON DOGS AND CATS ONLY. If I give them the bird they will not know what the heck to do with it. (I sound angry because it's true) I feel like they forget about birds, they are also animals and also matter.

The only thing that it's on my reach is make some research on care of these birds, but most of them say "Take them to the vets, ya bums!" And if I find some guidance, it's probably not something I can do. (Or I'm too worried and get numb) like making a special recipe.

About volunteering... There is nothing around here, and never really saw anything related to the topic.

 

Sorry if I speak weird, I have learned English by myself. Just after all these years I finally can write something.

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I'm not that sad for my little Flimsy. My Father felt bad for me and bought a beutiful grave-like block. We burned the shoebox and put the ashes and some food with the grave. And feels better to know I have honored it.

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