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Ka9219

7th month

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Hi everyone 

I remember when I entered the forum for the first time, I was desperate looking for someone to tell me how the future would look like for me, after 7 months grieving the death of Mario I've found out nothing is clear yet and no grieve is equal for any of us.

I've been absence in the forum because at some point emphaty lost its effect on me; I've to say the first couple of months was really good to read and to connect with people who had been through the same than me, after the fourth month my life started going down and down, depression is on me like never before, I feel sad, frustrated, desperate, powerless, hopeless, anger is my best friend and nothing is like once was. I know this is not healthy, neither is the way Mario would like for me to live my life but so far I haven't been able to find some sort of consolation, life looks like a path of darknesals in which I am a puppet of a despot god.

I'd like to bring words of hope to you all but for me there is no hope left, when Mario died also died my hope and dreams, and also my will of live, I move from morning to evening just waiting for one day my life get to the finish line.

I am not telling you I spend my whole day hiding in the shadows, I am kinda functional now, I've learn to fake because is easier to fake my wellness in order to stop the endless speeches in how my grieve should be taken. 

I have made a couple of great friends here on the forum, they have been with me when I needed them the most and I cherish their company and support.

The losing of TooDevastated take me deeper into my depression, it shocked me and somehow I wish I could follow the same path she did, just spending some months on this Earth and then peacefully died and finally reunite with Mario.

But as far I am alive I don't expect for happiness I just want some peace, been able to move from one day to another in a peaceful way, grieving him daily but not living in missery, maybe one day I'll be able to reach that point.

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6 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

grieving him daily but not living in missery,

That's a start.  

Six months is reputed to be one of the hardest times, it can happen at four months or at eight months, it's just an estimate, but it's the point at which reality begins to set in, I think we're in shock to some extent before that, perhaps operating on autopilot but not fully conscious either. I don't think we have to fake it, maybe at work to keep our jobs, but there needs to be someone we can talk to, someone we can be real with.  With me it was my forum and my family.  My sisters have never been through anything like this, they still have their husbands, but they were good listeners and they would share memories of George with me, that meant a lot.  My mom was widowed for 32 years and I could share with her before she got dementia real bad and forgot him.  That hurt.  She passed three years ago and I'm missing her too now.

TooDevastated hit me too.  I so wish we could have reached her, made a difference to her, but at least she's out of her pain now.  Unfortunately now her family carries it.

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I'm going into the 7th month myself, and I've hit kind of a wall myself, a bad one. I'm much more angry too, it's like I don't know where it's coming from, but it's there, and I"m not normally much of an angry person. I can hardly stand myself! I"m also more depressed, and I'm annoyed with myself because I feel I could have done a better job at "doing" Christmas, I have two sons in their early-mid twenties, and we did have a Christmas, but it was quiet and I guess okay, what the heck am I trying to say? it just wasn't up to snuff.

Just wanted to let you know I kind of do know what you are talking about, I still have a great will to live though, I know I have a lot of things to process that will take a lot of time. But right now, everything stinks!

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 It's been 7 months for me too. I cry everyday , I'm not really sure how I have even made it this far to be honest. I am lucky to have my kids as they made the holidays bearable. I have no idea how I am going to live the rest of my life without him, it makes me sick inside to even think of it. I never knew there was pain that can cut right through to your soul prior to losing my husband. My life right now is just working and paying the bills, no excitement,joy or happiness of any kind, just existing. I can only hope that it will not be like this forever. I have never felt such emptiness before. My heart goes out to all of us suffering through this. 

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

That's a start.  

Six months is reputed to be one of the hardest times, it can happen at four months or at eight months, it's just an estimate, but it's the point at which reality begins to set in, I think we're in shock to some extent before that, perhaps operating on autopilot but not fully conscious either. I don't think we have to fake it, maybe at work to keep our jobs, but there needs to be someone we can talk to, someone we can be real with.  With me it was my forum and my family.  My sisters have never been through anything like this, they still have their husbands, but they were good listeners and they would share memories of George with me, that meant a lot.  My mom was widowed for 32 years and I could share with her before she got dementia real bad and forgot him.  That hurt.  She passed three years ago and I'm missing her too now.

TooDevastated hit me too.  I so wish we could have reached her, made a difference to her, but at least she's out of her pain now.  Unfortunately now her family carries it.

Yes sometimes is good to have someone to talk to but in my case, my family have never been through into a tragedy, so they have no clue about it and they try to "fix me" and my mom only says that "life goes on" and I understand life goes on but is not like a pill I'll take and the pain will vanish, is process maybe of years and I am tired to listen over again about how I should mourn so for me is better to fake even at home.

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3 hours ago, Judy S. said:

I'm going into the 7th month myself, and I've hit kind of a wall myself, a bad one. I'm much more angry too, it's like I don't know where it's coming from, but it's there, and I"m not normally much of an angry person. I can hardly stand myself! I"m also more depressed, and I'm annoyed with myself because I feel I could have done a better job at "doing" Christmas, I have two sons in their early-mid twenties, and we did have a Christmas, but it was quiet and I guess okay, what the heck am I trying to say? it just wasn't up to snuff.

Just wanted to let you know I kind of do know what you are talking about, I still have a great will to live though, I know I have a lot of things to process that will take a lot of time. But right now, everything stinks!

It happens the same for me, I am not used to feel anger, I was always the one who never got angry but now anger is my main state, and sometimes I don't know how to focus in a good way and it end up been in a big wave of frustration and sadness and I can barely take all this emotions at once.

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, this Christmas I just wake up and saw everyone opening their gifts and then I went back to sleep, it was like a big whole in my chest, no tears or rush of feelings, just the feeling of something absence, something really big.

Sometimes I think kids help us to move through, but I can only imagine it because never made it to have a baby with him.

Yes this is awful sometimes I wonder how I've made so far because nothing gets better.

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11 minutes ago, Dian said:

 It's been 7 months for me too. I cry everyday , I'm not really sure how I have even made it this far to be honest. I am lucky to have my kids as they made the holidays bearable. I have no idea how I am going to live the rest of my life without him, it makes me sick inside to even think of it. I never knew there was pain that can cut right through to your soul prior to losing my husband. My life right now is just working and paying the bills, no excitement,joy or happiness of any kind, just existing. I can only hope that it will not be like this forever. I have never felt such emptiness before. My heart goes out to all of us suffering through this. 

I know, is hard to look ahead with only 25 years old and imagine a life without them, Mario was not only my partner, was my best friend and my biggest supporter through the bad things, now I am facing the hardest thing on my life and he is not here to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be all right, also at this age pressure is over me, to find a nice job to keep studying, and sometimes it feels so worthless and I don't know if I am going to be able to make it.

His support was essential, with only one hug he turned and awful day into a perfect one only for existing.

I just pray not making to my 30's 

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21 hours ago, KayC said:

That's a start.  

Six months is reputed to be one of the hardest times, it can happen at four months or at eight months, it's just an estimate, but it's the point at which reality begins to set in, I think we're in shock to some extent before that, perhaps operating on autopilot but not fully conscious either. I don't think we have to fake it, maybe at work to keep our jobs, but there needs to be someone we can talk to, someone we can be real with.  With me it was my forum and my family.  My sisters have never been through anything like this, they still have their husbands, but they were good listeners and they would share memories of George with me, that meant a lot.  My mom was widowed for 32 years and I could share with her before she got dementia real bad and forgot him.  That hurt.  She passed three years ago and I'm missing her too now.

TooDevastated hit me too.  I so wish we could have reached her, made a difference to her, but at least she's out of her pain now.  Unfortunately now her family carries it.

@KayC

its been 16 weeks I lost my boyfriend to sudden cardiac death and the pain has been more intensed since the holiday season. I cry everyday but the support I get from this forum has been immensed.

What happened to TooDevastated? She's been a great support too

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Jokkyp,

The holidays does seem to intensify the feelings we have, everything seems to be felt more.  Hopefully it'll settle down with them being done with.

TooDevastated passed away. 

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Jokkyp,

The holidays does seem to intensify the feelings we have, everything seems to be felt more.  Hopefully it'll settle down with them being done with.

TooDevastated passed away. 

Thank you @KayC

 TooDevastated's death is a total shock.  I feel numb and sad.

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I wasn’t even part of this forum when she was on but i have to say, this has hit me too! Turning into a sad day. 

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On 12/28/2017 at 2:46 AM, Ka9219 said:

life started going down and down, depression is on me like never before, I feel sad, frustrated, desperate, powerless, hopeless, anger is my best friend and nothing is like once was. I know this is not healthy, neither is the way Mario would like for me to live my life but so far I haven't been able to find some sort of consolation, life l

I feel you and life does seem to go down for those of us whose lost the most important person in our lives.   I didn't know depression until I lost my Charles and not only did I get a quick course in it, it literally crippled me.  It made me feel utterly helpless and abandoned by the world and very few people don't seem to understand, or even begin to believe, that life can be this painful. There is nothing I can think of that is quite as isolating as this.  It's not that I fear death so much as I fear its prologues: loneliness, devastation;  pain, agony, depression, senility.  After a few years of those, I would imagine that death presents itself like a holiday at the beach.

While the emotions may not be healthy, I think they are normal.  I know that nothing will ever be the same and for me some days, 24 hours is too much to get through in one piece, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment. I break the task, the challenge, the fear into small, bite-size pieces. I think I can handle a piece of fear, depression, anger, pain, sadness, and loneliness in spurts but not in its entirety.  I'll put my hands up to my face, one next to each eye, like blinders on a horse and somehow get through it.

The holidays have been very tough for me without having Charles here but I find that sharing memories and stories about him, even if it makes others uncomfortable is good therapy for me.  Remembering honors him and keeps him with me in a very real sense.  I imagine most grievers eventually will enjoy the holidays again but never in the way they were accustomed to. Hang on to that hope. You will get there. Also, experiencing some nostalgic or sad moments is not necessarily a bad thing; it’s part of life after loss.  Stay Strong!

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9 hours ago, Francine said:

I feel you and life does seem to go down for those of us whose lost the most important person in our lives.   I didn't know depression until I lost my Charles and not only did I get a quick course in it, it literally crippled me.  It made me feel utterly helpless and abandoned by the world and very few people don't seem to understand, or even begin to believe, that life can be this painful. There is nothing I can think of that is quite as isolating as this.  It's not that I fear death so much as I fear its prologues: loneliness, devastation;  pain, agony, depression, senility.  After a few years of those, I would imagine that death presents itself like a holiday at the beach.

While the emotions may not be healthy, I think they are normal.  I know that nothing will ever be the same and for me some days, 24 hours is too much to get through in one piece, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment. I break the task, the challenge, the fear into small, bite-size pieces. I think I can handle a piece of fear, depression, anger, pain, sadness, and loneliness in spurts but not in its entirety.  I'll put my hands up to my face, one next to each eye, like blinders on a horse and somehow get through it.

The holidays have been very tough for me without having Charles here but I find that sharing memories and stories about him, even if it makes others uncomfortable is good therapy for me.  Remembering honors him and keeps him with me in a very real sense.  I imagine most grievers eventually will enjoy the holidays again but never in the way they were accustomed to. Hang on to that hope. You will get there. Also, experiencing some nostalgic or sad moments is not necessarily a bad thing; it’s part of life after loss.  Stay Strong!

You said better than I could 

Death present itself like the easy way out, some sort of bitter consolation comes to me when I think some day I'll day and I hope it will be soon, but in the meantime I feel desperate trying to carry the reality.

And I think that's my biggest problem, facing reality, is this really happening? I wonder over and over again how is it possible, Mario was just fine and a week later he was gone, he was breathing and his heart was beating and they told me he was gone, after that I just saw the coffin but I couldn't see him inside that thing so for me and my mind is still hard to believe he was gone, he just vanished from my life like a ghost and I don't know how to accept this or how to see this is real, it seems impossible.

He was young, healthy and strong, how could this happen to him? 

It's hurting more than ever 

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17 hours ago, Jokkyp said:

Thank you @KayC

 TooDevastated's death is a total shock.  I feel numb and sad.

It waa heart breaking, she came to the forum couple of weeks after I got here and we shared part of our story.

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57 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

You said better than I could 

Death present itself like the easy way out, some sort of bitter consolation comes to me when I think some day I'll day and I hope it will be soon, but in the meantime I feel desperate trying to carry the reality.

And I think that's my biggest problem, facing reality, is this really happening? I wonder over and over again how is it possible, Mario was just fine and a week later he was gone, he was breathing and his heart was beating and they told me he was gone, after that I just saw the coffin but I couldn't see him inside that thing so for me and my mind is still hard to believe he was gone, he just vanished from my life like a ghost and I don't know how to accept this or how to see this is real, it seems impossible.

He was young, healthy and strong, how could this happen to him? 

It's hurting more than ever 

Death seems be the only way out of this excruciating pain but when I think of a statement a friend once said  " if you kill yourself, that is no guarantee you will ever see him".

My boyfriend, Tunde passed away 6th of September 2017 on the day I returned from holiday in Spain, he was home studying for an upcoming exam.

I was away for 7 nights, we spoke and chatted everyday. The last day I saw him before I travelled was on 27th of August.

He appeared extra relaxed, he gave his full attention, bought me a laptop, he told all I needed to hear, all our ups and downs,we talked about our relationship and everything. It felt like a farewell. He wanted me to stay with him for longer but I had to rush off because of my travelling. 

Looking back now I wished I had cancelled the trip to stay back.

He worked at the same place I am now. It's been extremely difficult going back to the same place. His position was advertised a month after his passing. 

My friends, family and colleagues at work expects to have gotten over his loss. 

i feel lonely, I don't share my feelings to any of my friends and family and I fallen into depression and been out of work for 4 weeks now. Going back in the new year.

I am so glad I have you all on this forum, I don't feel alone as much.

 

 

 

 

 

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23 hours ago, Jokkyp said:

Thank you @KayC

 TooDevastated's death is a total shock.  I feel numb and sad.

I tried to rewrite that in a softer way but couldn't find any way to soften it.  I trust you've seen the thread about it now.  It hits me hard because we've all felt the feelings she felt and I wish so much I could have gotten her to hold on and give life a chance just long enough for her to see some hope, to begin to adjust, to find some good in life, but she let go so soon that didn't have a chance to develop.  I feel I failed her.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

It hits me hard because we've all felt the feelings she felt and I wish so much I could have gotten her to hold on and give life a chance just long enough for her to see some hope, to begin to adjust, to find some good in life, but she let go so soon that didn't have a chance to develop.  I feel I failed her.

You didn't fail her; you tried (I think we all tried) to give her that ray of hope, that light at the end of this dark, scary journey. Unfortunately, often times our suffering can be so painful, hurtful and embarrassing, it can bring us to that point - the point of giving up.  It is too tremendous of a load for us to bear and can reduce our strength to a new low in our lives.  It weighs so heavy on us that we have nothing left and unfortunately this too can bring some of us to the point of giving up; we feel that giving up is the only option.  I think one of the greatest things one can do is try to bless someone else while they are going through their own storm.  You have always given so much of yourself to others on this side and as sad as it appears sometimes, in some circumstances it is just not enough; not on your part, but unfortunately, theirs.   And yes it hurts, it hits us hard and is so very very sad.  And while I know your heart is heavy for her, but try to  remember  the many on this website  you have gotten to hold on, the many on this website that your words of wisdom touched to believe that there is some good left in this life when we didn't want to believe there was and the many whom you have given hope to - me included.  Please keep doing what you are doing and God Bless you!

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22 hours ago, Jokkyp said:

Death seems be the only way out of this excruciating pain but when I think of a statement a friend once said  " if you kill yourself, that is no guarantee you will ever see him".

My boyfriend, Tunde passed away 6th of September 2017 on the day I returned from holiday in Spain, he was home studying for an upcoming exam.

I was away for 7 nights, we spoke and chatted everyday. The last day I saw him before I travelled was on 27th of August.

He appeared extra relaxed, he gave his full attention, bought me a laptop, he told all I needed to hear, all our ups and downs,we talked about our relationship and everything. It felt like a farewell. He wanted me to stay with him for longer but I had to rush off because of my travelling. 

Looking back now I wished I had cancelled the trip to stay back.

He worked at the same place I am now. It's been extremely difficult going back to the same place. His position was advertised a month after his passing. 

My friends, family and colleagues at work expects to have gotten over his loss. 

i feel lonely, I don't share my feelings to any of my friends and family and I fallen into depression and been out of work for 4 weeks now. Going back in the new year.

I am so glad I have you all on this forum, I don't feel alone as much.

 

 

 

 

 

Jokkyp, thank you for sharing your experience with me. Mario ask me twice to stay with him that Monday but as you I rushed into thoughts and I told him it was ok because we will see on Tuesday but that day never came.

I know we want to have the power to at least seize all the time they had left on Earth, even if it was impossible to stop the tragedy it would be kind of comforting to take every single minute before it happen and make it remarkable. But we didn't know, because this kind of things are tragedies and nobody expects tragedies. 

I don't share my feelings either, I am used to built "walls" all around me and that's why people assume I am doing "just fine" but at the end of the day when I close the door of my bedroom tears comes as rivers, the pain is always there: day and night, restless and powerful, and as time goes by the depression grows as a monster feed up by sadness and desperation.

It is hard to see how life goes on without them, how people replace what for us is irreplaceable and does little things takes so much from us.

I wish I could tell you some words of consolation but grieve is different for all of us, few things have work for me but reality is that I am as bad as the first day, for some of us time is healing, for others only takes deeper the knife into the wound. So, do as you need, one day you will need to cry the next one you will need to laugh and it is ok, just do as you need.

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31 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

Jokkyp, thank you for sharing your experience with me. Mario ask me twice to stay with him that Monday but as you I rushed into thoughts and I told him it was ok because we will see on Tuesday but that day never came.

I know we want to have the power to at least seize all the time they had left on Earth, even if it was impossible to stop the tragedy it would be kind of comforting to take every single minute before it happen and make it remarkable. But we didn't know, because this kind of things are tragedies and nobody expects tragedies. 

I don't share my feelings either, I am used to built "walls" all around me and that's why people assume I am doing "just fine" but at the end of the day when I close the door of my bedroom tears comes as rivers, the pain is always there: day and night, restless and powerful, and as time goes by the depression grows as a monster feed up by sadness and desperation.

It is hard to see how life goes on without them, how people replace what for us is irreplaceable and does little things takes so much from us.

I wish I could tell you some words of consolation but grieve is different for all of us, few things have work for me but reality is that I am as bad as the first day, for some of us time is healing, for others only takes deeper the knife into the wound. So, do as you need, one day you will need to cry the next one you will need to laugh and it is ok, just do as you need.

Thank you Ka9219. I pray 2018 would be a better year.

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Francine, again, thanks for your words, they mean a lot.

Ka9219,

I'm sorry you haven't experienced any diminishing of pain as of yet, sometimes it takes MUCH time for that to happen, it did for me.  I don't think anything hit me as hard as that first day, after that it was just a continuation.  But I can tell you that 12 years later my pain is not as great although the missing him is perhaps even greater.  The love does not diminish through time.

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KayC - I know this won't help with what you're feeling about TooDevastated but I just wanted you to know that your words have made a huge impact on me.  Just to know that there was someone out there who knew exactly how I was feeling at that moment, and who cared enough to reach out to a total stranger, made just enough difference to make me put down the pills and pick up a glass of wine instead.  

I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough to get through this in the long term, but you should know that, at least once, your words have,literally, saved my life.  

Hugs

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19 hours ago, KayC said:

Francine, again, thanks for your words, they mean a lot.

Ka9219,

I'm sorry you haven't experienced any diminishing of pain as of yet, sometimes it takes MUCH time for that to happen, it did for me.  I don't think anything hit me as hard as that first day, after that it was just a continuation.  But I can tell you that 12 years later my pain is not as great although the missing him is perhaps even greater.  The love does not diminish through time.

Maybe you are right no pain is greater as the first one but together with the feeling of loneliness or how much we miss them it seems like or feels like the pain is like the very first day all of this began. But I think it is a cocktail, every day we drink a mix of feelings in which some days are more sadness others more desperation and others more frustration, along with the anger and hopelessness and with time is harder to drink it.

I am afraid my path of sadness will take longer than I wish, and yes love remains, but not only remains it also grows bigger and stronger.

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Skywise, thank you, and it does matter.  I just wish I could have reached Toodevastated too.  It's so sad that someone takes their life because of this friggin pain!  I know, she didn't put a gun to her head, but it's like passive suicide all the same, she had no will to live, not even survival instinct to carry her, she lost all hope, any allure for life and that is so sad.  I had to keep living, I had children, sisters, my faith, and our hope of being together again.  I think despondency is the toughest thing to battle.

Ka9219, I never thought of it like that before (a cocktail mix) but it's true, some days harder than others.  I have had some days that were actually good, but most of them...well, just not the same, you know?  Yes this takes longer than we wish.  And you're so right, our love for them does grow.

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Despondency - that’s what I’ve been feeling in huge doses lately. That’s the appropriate word, thanks Kay. 

Next Monday marks the 2nd anniversary of my happy darling kissing me goodbye one morning and coming home all broken and dead in a box.  In a few days time I will enter into my third year without him.  It doesn’t feel real that he’s been gone that long, when his death still feels so recent.  

I’ve had two years of complicated grief associated with the trauma of his death, insomnia, nightmares, yearning, aloneness, financial worries, major ongoing health problems, major stepfamily problems, and lets not forget the new driving phobia that restricts my freedom if I did so happen to want to go anywhere.  All the whilst while dealing with professional nincompoops who can’t do their jobs properly and then won’t take responsibility for their inactions when confronted about them. 

Those of you who remember I had lawyer problems, may have guessed that I am not satisfied with the Determinations of the Law Society regarding my complaint against said lawyer who let me down badly, then carried out a vindictive act when I told him what I thought of his representation.  How does one get justice when the local standards committee is a case of peers judging peers?  I started my application to have said complaint reviewed by a dept in the Ministry of Justice, but feel such anger knowing the committee accepted his alternative truths and blatant lies about the more serious issues at face value, and didn’t recognise evidence I provided, even that obtained using the official information act to get info from Police records.  And they chose not to investigate the prick.  I will calm down sometime soon and do the best job I possibly can on the application and get it finished, but I have a deadline to meet,  so the pressure is on.  I will keep in mind how hard my daughter and I had to push the police to finally conduct a competent investigation into my dear man’s death and charge the guy who killed him.  Apologies for the rant guys.  

On top of that problem, today I have recognised something in myself that I don’t like one bit.  These past few weeks I have felt envious of my much loved and wonderful, happily married, carefree, financially secure, going off on fab summer holidays, friends.  This is so not my nature to feel this way.  They’re all off having wonderful adventures, and posting pix on their fb pages. I miss them and I miss the happy life my darling hubby and I had more now, than ever!  We too should be going new places, having fun and enjoying the best summer weather we’ve had for years.

Tonight, I can only hope that I’m out of this low tomorrow.  

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