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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
June

New Year

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I survived Christmas without too many crying jags.  At least not around other people.  

Now my mind is being tormented by thoughts of bringing in the new year without him.  I definitely won't go to the New Year party that he and I would have attended together.  I'll go to my sisters and spend the evening with her family.  They have been what has held me together for the past 6 months.  

I just can't imagine how hard it's going to be at midnight.  We were always together and always brought the new year in with a kiss.  

If I can just get past January 1, maybe I will be ok.  

Until Jan 13th anyway - that's the anniversary of my mother's passing - 1 year.  

I know many of you will be dealing with this for the first time too.  For those who have dealt with this, how did you manage?

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I was never a party goer and New Year's was never a big deal to me.  I was often fast asleep before the clock struck 12.  George and I would usually stay up until then, wish each other Happy New Year and then fall asleep.  But New Year's after he died was different.  It loomed huge to me because it signified a year that he wouldn't be in.  I didn't want to leave the year past that he had been in.  But time marches on whether we want it to or not and a few months after he died, I found myself facing just that.  I remember I was in Portland OR, overlooking the city, contemplative and thinking of George...midnight came...and went.  And life did go on, whether I wanted it to or not.  Ultimately nothing was any different the day after than the day before, except in my mind.  But I came to realize that George DOES exist, whether in 2005 or now, just in spirit form rather than physical.  But I will be with him again, and that gets me through this in between time.

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This will be my second NY’s without my darling. Last year it took a lot of courage,  but I went to my awesome neighbors for bbq and drinks.  It was tough and I came home early and had a meltdown.  I don’t expect it’ll be any different this year. 

We need to be especially kind to ourselves and just do what we feel comfortable with.  

To be honest, I still find it challenging to be in a group of people - especially so when the conversation turns to holiday or event plans.  I’m no better emotionally this year and that’s probably due to the frustrating, ongoing legal issues surrounding my partners death.  Despite having awesome friends, they're mostly couples and I’m feeling that empty aloneness now more than ever. 

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New Year's Eve I'll be home alone and fast asleep before midnight...New Year's Day I'll be working at the church on the books as it's month end, quarter's end, year's end, I'll have plenty to keep me busy, hopefully I'll be able to focus and concentrate, sometimes that can be a problem.

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Like KayC, and George, my Charles and I were in bed before midnight and he would literally have to awaken me so that we can bring the new year in together and then, right back to sleep I'd go.  Back in the day, we'd celebrate by going dancing, out for dinner, at a nightclub or perhaps at a house party, but our interest changed the older we got.   Spending it together, with perhaps a glass of champagne, was our celebration in bringing in the new year.    

I understand the need to release the past year and my hope is that my family will not start our new year with fear, sadness and pain,  but hope, comfort and peace.    My grown children and grandchildren have started to realize that we have had many difficulties this past year, including the loss not only of their father/grandfather but very close friends.  They recognized that others also had very challenging times in 2016/17 and we have gotten tremendously supportive feedback that said “You are loved. We support you. All will be well.”    I am still healing, my family is still healing and it may take years. I am also thankful that my children are also experiencing healing through supporting and comforting others. This makes me believe that 2018 just might be a better year that the past one - well, hoping it will.  I hope we will continue to learn and grow and experience the goodness of others in our lives. Thank you 2017, for bringing us wonderful friends and loved ones.

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This has been the worst year of my daughter's life, it has truly been a horrific 2017.  Losing her coveted and cherished baby, having her husband leave her, struggling to make ends meet by herself, working, working working, and now she's ending 2017 on the same note that it has gone all year...she has the flu. The knock down truly horrid virus, fever, chills, aches, vomiting to the point of dry heaves, unable to eat, diarrhea, unable to work for the last 1 1/2 weeks.  Her husband came back.  While I'm glad she isn't alone, she isn't in a lucid place to make a decision right now and I can't help but feel he's cashing in on her vulnerability to get back with her...something they've been talking about for three months but he has some issues that needed addressed first and I seriously doubt that's fully happened.  Be that what it may, it'll be her place to decide where to go from here...once she is well and able to think.  What a horrid year for such a beautiful sweet girl.

All of you here have had a very hard 2017.  My hope and prayer for each and every one is that 2018 will go better than 2017 did.  It won't be as it was before, nothing ever is, but may we have the grace to brave it and I pray blessings to all.

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My prayers are with your daughter to make a speedy recovery.  Whatever her decision is when it comes to her husband, I know you'll support her and be there for her.  We moms always are.

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KayC,    That's how I feel.  I don't want to leave this year as this was the last year he was with me.  I think about a lot of "lasts".  Last vehicle he rode in; last hat he wore (he has a collection of cowboy hats); last time I help him out of bed and got him dressed; last time we went shopping together.  Just simple things but still - the last.  
2018 will be the first new year, the first NEW year, without him in it.  
 

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Oh June - I'm feeling the same.  I don't want to go into 2018 because it will be a year that I'll spend without my Baby.  I'm clinging desperately onto everything of him that I can.  What you said about your Hubbys hats made me smile though.  Clive was a lover of hats as well.  He was cremated in his favourite straw hat, but the last hat he wore is still hanging where he left it and I can't help reaching out and touching it when I walk past.

I, too, think a lot about all the "lasts.  The last time he drove his beloved Z3.  The last walk we had together along the seafront when we stopped and had a coffee the week before he died.  The last film we sat and watched together (Ladyhawke). The last actual meal I cooked for him that he managed to eat (salmon fillet, baked potato and salad). The last time I held him, as he died.  So many lasts but now, tomorrow, I'll have to face a new first  - my first New Year without him.  

Still,  I'm sure I can still feel him in the house, and I talk to him all the time, just normal conversations about my day, letting him know where I'm going when I go out and saying hello when I get back, that sort of thing.  So tomorrow night I'll pour us both a glass of wine, close my eyes and wish him a Happy New Year, just like Ive always done.  Then I'll blow him a kiss, tell him that I love him and go to bed.

After all, what else can I do?

I'll also be thinking of all you guys tomorrow night and hoping that we all eventually find, if not happiness, then at least, a measure of peace in the New Year.

Hugs

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Francine,

Thanks.  I wrote her a note this morning telling her how proud I am of her for her resilience and strength in the face of adversity.  We don't always get to choose what life throws at us, only what we do with it.

Skywise,

I still have my husband's hat hanging on a hook where it was 12 1/2 years ago when he died.  So his his robe, sometimes I hold it or wrap it around me.

June,

We get through this...I think the first New Year's is the hardest because we're entering a year they didn't live in, at least not in the physical sense, but after that, all New Year's can come and go and it seems the same day as another.  My heart goes out to all of you going through this the first time.

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Yeah, the New Year is harder than I had anticipated.

My grandfather died Friday. It wasn't totally unexpected, but he was more or less in good condition, and he still died unexpectedly --- it wasn't how we thought he'd pass. It really was sort of anticipated which makes the grief different.

My dearly beloved partner left in November, and my heart is still suffering that loss. I'm still crying over not having someone to come home to. He was everything to me, and I don't really feel healed. I cry a lot less, but it doesn't mean I feel better. The pain is still here. It won't go away, and I think it's getting worse now that the reality that in 2018, I won't spend a single day with him.

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Every time I get upset I turn to this forum. I tell myself that no one else feels how I do..  2018 now and my love will never be a part of this year. 

Today, as I thought about that I couldn’t help but get emotional. I kept thinking about the beginning of 2017 when I kissed him at midnight and I had nothing but love and high hopes for the year. Then 2017 did me dirty and took him away from me right before all the holidays.

i rang in the new year as I always do , with my family as we watch dick clarks New Year’s Eve but when midnight came my heart broke all over again. I pray that all of the other people here who are now in the first year without their significant other can find some peace. As I grieve for myself, I also grieve for all of you who are going through the same thing I am... bc I know exactly how difficult and painful it is. it does give me some comfort to know that all of you understand exactly how I’m feeling.

2018... 

here we go...

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4 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

I kept thinking about the beginning of 2017 when I kissed him at midnight and I had nothing but love and high hopes for the year. Then 2017 did me dirty and took him away from me right before all the holidays.

I think you expressed it for everyone here.  With me it was 2005 that "did me dirty" but it's not the date that matters, it's what happened that changed everything for us.  When you have that one person in the world that means everything to you and you lose that person, it's so hard hitting.

Yesterday I sat next to a lady at church that lost her husband a few months ago.  She started crying and said she had to spend Christmas alone, she just couldn't be around family and their celebrating, it was too much.  She asked if I still miss George.  Oh my God, yes!!  I miss him even more as the longer time passes.  But I rarely cry anymore, I've gotten used to it.  That seems sort of depressing, that you can actually get used to this.  Use to living alone, used to him not being here to snuggle up next to, used to no one there for me ever.  How do you give hope to others when your own life sounds so depressing?!  But it's not entirely.  I've made the best of it I can.  I enjoy what there is in life for me, no matter how small.  I practice living in the present.  All of those things have helped.  It's just changed, so very changed from what it was.  I can't go back there, I can't compare, to do that sets me up for a fall, for disappointment.  So back to my frame of mind...

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53 minutes ago, KayC said:

  I miss him even more as the longer time passes.  But I rarely cry anymore, I've gotten used to it.  That seems sort of depressing, that you can actually get used to this.

It’s been a little over a month for me and I feel like I’m starting to get used to it. Not that I don’t miss him, but more in the sense that the void and pain I feel have became a constant presence that I am going to have to live with forever. I still cry... not everyday but at least once every couple of days.

On really hard days, I try to think that he went on vacation or even that we broke up. It doesn’t help in the long run but it helps for a split second so I can compose myself and not have a breakdown .

2005... I’m sorry that you had to be without your love since then... 

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On 01/01/2018 at 6:27 PM, lovingstill said:

Yeah, the New Year is harder than I had anticipated.

My grandfather died Friday. It wasn't totally unexpected, but he was more or less in good condition, and he still died unexpectedly --- it wasn't how we thought he'd pass. It really was sort of anticipated which makes the grief different.

My dearly beloved partner left in November, and my heart is still suffering that loss. I'm still crying over not having someone to come home to. He was everything to me, and I don't really feel healed. I cry a lot less, but it doesn't mean I feel better. The pain is still here. It won't go away, and I think it's getting worse now that the reality that in 2018, I won't spend a single day with him.

I am sorry to read you’ve lost your Grandfather too, Lovingstill.  Grief for a parent or a Grandparent is very different, easier to bear than that of a soulmate.

You are very early on this rocky grief road. Healing, if there really is such a thing, will take time.  

You are in my thoughts.  

Strength and hugs.  

 

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