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Losing Mum and planning her funeral


mitty

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So my mum passed away Christmas morning after a brief fight against cancer. I am absolutely devastated but we have had to start arranging the funeral. My mum and dad divorced when I was very young (I'm 20 now) and my dad has always been involved in mine and my sister's lives (my sister is 25) however we lived with mum and have always been much closer with her. Dad is being very supportive and wants to help us with funeral arrangements. While I appreciate his support, I feel like he has a different view on what Mum's funeral should be like than I do. Mum was 55, and led a quiet life. She never remarried, and didn't really have many friends. She worked with the elderly in their homes and was particularly close with some of the people she worked with. I sort of assumed her funeral would be a small affair, with mostly family, close friends and some of the elderly clients whom she had known for many years and was close with. I know she didn't want anything big and I feel like it should reflect the way her life was. My Dad mentioned something about people he knows through his car hobby being there. I'm not even entirely sure who he means and I'm guessing maybe they used to know mum while they were still married. But these people have obviously had no involvement in Mum's life since my parents got divorced if I'm not even sure who they are. I don't think my Dad has actually invited them or anything yet, but I don't really feel like it's his place to anyway. My Dad's wife will also attend which I'm not completely happy about as she never liked my mum and was jealous of my dad ever helping her out. And because of that mum didn't like her either. I sometimes even felt like I couldn't talk about mum in front of her. But I know she wants to be there for me and my sister so I can't really stop her from coming. She also said her children (technically my step brother/sisters) could come as well. They are all adult children (27+) and never met my mum. Due to the age difference I'm not particularly close with them either and only ever see them at family occasions such as Christmas and even then I feel pretty awkward being around them. I have nothing against them at all, they're great people but to me it doesn't feel right them being there. My mum's side of the family all live in England and only a few of them will be able to attend the funeral. My Grandma even said today that she's not really interested in seeing/talking to my Dad as he's part of her past now (I don't know if that's just the grief taking) I just feel like I want it to a celebration of mum's life - where we can reminisce about the amazing woman she was and the funny things she did and having people there who didn't know her at all just feels unnecessary. I don't mind seeinng them but I'd prefer if they came in their own time to offer their condolences - I feel like it doesn't need to be at the funeral.

My sister understands how I feel but said she isn't too concerned either way if these people are there or not. I haven't talked to Grandma on how she feels about this yet. I also wonder if I'm just being selfish, this funeral isn't all about me. I know my Dad means well but I feel like its not about what he thinks will be good, but about what me, my sister and Grandma want mostly, and what mum would have wanted. He just doesn't know mum like he used to. I don't know if I'm just overeacting to all of this - like realistically will it really be a big deal if my step siblings are there or not? It will still be a good service for her. It might just be my grief, as the loss is still so fresh. My emotions are all over the place at the moment. But the idea of people who didn't know mum being there just makes me irrationally annoyed - all they'll be able to say is sorry for your loss and that's it. They won't be able to share memories of her - they didn't know her. Even the people my Dad knows who he thinks should come - they were his friends and I feel like if they'd tried to get in contact while she was still here, she wouldn't have wanted to see them. 

I'm sorry if this wasn't quite the right place to post this but I've been so overwhelmed by these emotions today and I really needed to get this all out, even if I don't find a solution. I just miss my mum so much already and I don't want to do anything the wrong way or have any regrets. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

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Mitty, I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like your mom is a wonderful lady.  

I am much older than you and buried my mom 2 and a half years ago.  It was extremely hard.  I took care of her for so very long, and throughout my life it was a love hate relationship.  If you are in charge of the funeral I would do it the way you feel most comfortable.  Our loved one is already gone and the aftermath is for those  left behind.  I believe that funerals mean so many different things to people.  Some use it to say goodbye, some use if to make themselves look good, some even use it to be mean.  I know it is difficult, but let it be what you want it to be.  If others want to come, it is hard to stop it.  You know what you and your mom mean to each other, what others are doing there is so insignificant, unless you know that they are there to show you real support.  People who are not genuinely attending somebody's memorial with a true heart have to face up to their creator in the future.  It is more stress than you need to deal with.  Don't let anybody take the importance of remembering your mom and turn it into something it isn't.  You are there to love and honor her and hopefully other people are there to show respect to her and your family.  Maybe they are there out of guilt.  It is not for us to know and you don't want to make a difficult time even more difficult.  Love your mom..  be there for your family and those who truly care and to the devil with the rest of them. (sorry.. my old age has made me speak my mind)   For myself, I have already let my loved ones know I don't want anything done.. I am a simple woman and those who love me have made it known.  Say a prayer and be happy, for I will be.

Your going through a tough time, you need to be kind to you and remember your joys.. remember the mother that she is.  In your heart she will always be.  I guess I am saying is don't let the specifics of who attends change the fact that you are proud to be her daughter,  and as she watches over you continue to be the woman she loves and adores and don't let petty differences ruin this time of remembrance.  It is hard enough and I hope and pray you the strength to get through it.  To be  kind to yourself..  I will be thinking of you..  God Bless

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Dear Mitty,

I am so sorry for your loss.  When all the arrangements were being made for my mothers funeral I was out of the country so I let my aunt and sister handle everything.  Plus I was still in shock and couldn't make decisions.  In some ways I regret this but it happened.  Everyone around me, my mothers family, sister did what they wanted. I was the closest to my mother but because I was not there and emotionally i couldn't cope, I let them get on with it.  Now a year on, its still very hard for me but I acknowledge that I didn't have the strength to question things.  I would say to you, if you have the strength, say something.  if you don't, forgive yourself.  After the funeral, the grieving is long.  Very long.  Grief is very layered and regrets and guilt come with that.  Should have, could, have, would have can go on and on.  I can't advise you but if its really important to you, and you're able to sit down with your sister and have a united front of what you both want.  So sorry for your loss.

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Hi Mitty,
Have you spoken to your father about how you feel about all these strangers going to your mother's funeral. Have you pointed out that those people don't know your mother and that you would prefer to have only those who knew your mom at her funeral.

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Dear Mitty,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I know you are trying to do right by your beloved mum. You sound like an extremely thoughtful person.

My parents were also divorced when my father passed last year. My dad also lived a quiet life. I was so raw that I let my sister make most of the arrangements. I didn't agree with all of them, but it wasn't worth fighting about.

During this very sad time, I feel the more people you have around the better. If people want to attend to support the family or extended family, I would let them. I honestly didn't know who would come to my dad's funeral. To see my colleagues show up was really comforting. I didn't realize it but it meant a lot that people just wanted to show up.

I'm sorry, I know you will do what is right for you and your family in the end.

Thinking of you and your family. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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