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Holidays= No sleep?


Jenn4

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It’s been 1 month and 5 days since my boyfriend passed away. I have been taking it day by day with some days being better then others. 

Christmas sucks without him... 

The last two days I have had the hardest time sleeping, more so then usual. Anyone else can’t sleep ?

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Hi Jenn, Christmas sucks big time without our beloveds.  I’m glad to have put today, my second one without my darling, behind me and as much as I love my kids and being a big part of their lives,  will be pleased to go home to my sanctuary tomorrow.

I get three or four hours sleep - sometimes none.  Tonights shaping up to be a none night.  Our minds, bodies and souls take a huge battering. 

Sending strength, love and hugs.

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For me, I sleep but I wake up in the middle of the night. I cry, then fall asleep. Once my most favorite holiday... it's now my most disliked holiday. I commemorate for the religious aspect. I don't really enjoy the theme or anything related to Christmas anymore. I have cried each night since Friday night. I haven't cried nightly since around June. This is very difficult. Last night, I asked for a sign that he is still with me today. I also prayed for a good sign to God. I was texting someone, and then I noticed his profile photos - which have always been there - were gone and disappeared, I think because his account has been inactive since April. (I am assuming.) I just felt even worse because it makes me feel like everything is gone. Like his accounts are gone forever. Luckily, I still have all of our texts. I hope to keep those forever. Merry Christmas 2017 to everyone. This pain is awful, I know. New Year's Day will be just as bad for me. As time passes, the crying diminishes but the pain... hurts just as bad as it did in the beginning. It will be one year in few months. I woke up this morning feeling pain. Actual pain from what happened last night. I hope to see a sign soon today. A good sign. Obviously. 

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I continue to pray for signs. I was praying to my husband’s photo and God. When i left my room i checked my phone and i had a message from someone who lost her husband 2 years ago. She said “ thinking of you today” she sent it at the same time i was praying for a sign. I’ll take it. Like all of you, I’ll be glad to put this day behind me! 

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M88- I hate those nights I get no sleep at all... those nights my mind wanders more. I try to stay distracted most of my days because once I’m truly by myself the pain comes back full force.

Wahaaf99- Holidays used to be my favorite too. I loved preparing thanksgiving dinner from scratch and for Xmas would buy so many gifts.. mainly to see all the people I loved so happy. This year I cooked no Tday dinner and Xmas gifts are minimal and just shoved in bags from shopping throughout the year. Seeing all these happy family posts makes me so mad that all these people are happy with loved ones and here I am grieving a loss.. it sucks. I don’t have texts but I saved his voicemails that I listen to every so often.

Lisaislost- I pray for signs Too .. something to let me know that he’s ok and at peace.

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I didn't sleep at all last night.

I miss him so much, but the crying has become much less. I'm still devastated and my heart aches over his passing. I wish he was here. I've gotten some signs. Look out for coins with the year of his passing or year of birth as well as white feathers. Today, the sky s really beautiful and clear here -- it looks like what I thought heaven looked like when I was a kid. I take that as a sign from him. Who knows?

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I still am waiting on a sign. I wanted one for my birthday. I asked... I think I got one.

However, I also want one today. But... that doesn't always happen like that. The way we want. Oh well.

How long has it been since the tragic dates for you all?

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2 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

I still am waiting on a sign. I wanted one for my birthday. I asked... I think I got one.

However, I also want one today. But... that doesn't always happen like that. The way we want. Oh well.

How long has it been since the tragic dates for you all?

My boyfriend passed away 11/20/17

I wait for signs all the time, one night when I shouted I missed him 6 songs that reminded me of him came on back to back... although I couldn’t listen to them. 

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I have had many signs... but today is a day I really want one.

November. That wasn't so long ago. I am really sorry for that recent passing. My love passed in 24 April 2017. From then to now... the pain is still here. However, the crying fades slowly.

Christmas and New Year is something I have dreaded.

Sleeping is something I have been declining the last few months. I am always busy... but now I am not and I'm noticing my sleep schedule has changed.

I'm trying to distract myself... but all day I have been on that edge of my eyes tearing up. I hope you are doing well.

I'm at the movies. On commercials right now, I'm alone. Pathetic I know... but the others wanted to watch a movie that I did not want to watch. Seemed so boring... so I decided to have some me time... and watch something I want to watch instead. : ).

Hope all is doing well today. To all as well.

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my husband died in his sleep next to me on 11/06/2017. We have 2 daughters ages 17 and 18. We were “his girls”.  I can’t picture my future without him. Praying for you all! 

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It's been 58 days 1 hour and 11 minutes  since I lost Clive.  Today hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be tbh.  I've treated it as just another day.  I put the Hoover round, changed the bed, did some washing and then sat on the sofa knitting and watching all the Marvel movies.  I did roast a duck and shared it with the cat as I spent the day on my own - just couldn't face being around any festivities with my family.

My poor old Mum has dementia and keeps giving me comforting little bits of advice such as " It could be worse. Think of your cousin - her husband had an affair and left her. That would be much worse than what happened to you".

And

" Think of your poor aunt.  She's had to put up with her husband being ill for over a year.  You only had to put up with your husband being ill for 6 weeks.  She must be desperate for it all to over."

I know it's the dementia talking; that it's basically cut her empathy circuits, but sometimes I just can't deal with it I'm afraid.   Especially today.  Still, at least she tries to help, even if she fails spectacularly!

I know that none of us will enjoy this Christmas but can I just wish all of you healing and peace, if not now then for the future.  

Hugs

Aly XXX

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5 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

. that doesn't always happen like that. The way we want. Oh well.

  1. 2 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

    I have had many signs... but today is a day I really want one.

    November. That wasn't so long ago. I am really sorry for that recent passing. My love passed in 24 April 2017. From then to now... the pain is still here. However, the crying fades slowly.

    Christmas and New Year is something I have dreaded.

    Sleeping is something I have been declining the last few months. I am always busy... but now I am not and I'm noticing my sleep schedule has changed.

    I'm trying to distract myself... but all day I have been on that edge of my eyes tearing up. I hope you are doing well.

    I'm at the movies. On commercials right now, I'm alone. Pathetic I know... but the others wanted to watch a movie that I did not want to watch. Seemed so boring... so I decided to have some me time... and watch something I want to watch instead. : ).

    Hope all is doing well today. To all as well.

    11/17/17, he started sending them right away. Sending you love. We had just moved from Massachusetts to go west, so he could follow his dreams...

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That's great he started sending those signs. My first sign... was about 3 days after his passing. Since then I get the at random times. But today, I really wanted one because we wanted to spend Christmas together this year as we couldn't last year.

That's nice. Where west? Like CA? Or more around the mid-west region? Stay safe.

I just watched the movie. Very good movie and now one of my most favorites movies... which means a lot because I don't like movies a whole lot. I feel like that had to be something. I mean - a movie is made for not just me. But... something about that movie really touched me regarding him. Maybe that could be some sort of sign? That feeling I got. I don't know.

Anyway, this day is almost over. I would like to sleep... but unfortunately, I am not sure if that will be happen as soon as I'd like. I know I'll be crying tonight. Already cried once today.

This might be off topic... but what are some ways that help the sleeping or help falls asleep? Coffee does that for me at night. I'm strange. I can drink it in the morning and feel nice and energized. At night, sleepy.

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We moved to California - he was a software engineer. I came back east, to be with my family. No way could I stay out there with all those memories by myself. We had no family and no friends out there; we had just moved this past summer...oh well. I get signs every day. Today I find myself missing him a lot.

I won't be able to sleep - flying to be with his family for his services this week. I find my sorrow overwhelming me now more than it did before.

2 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

That's nice. Where west? Like CA? Or more around the mid-west region? Stay safe.

 

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Oh, and I take sleeping meds. I always have - even before he passed. They haven't worked as well lately, but they do the trick most of the time.

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16 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

It’s been 1 month and 5 days since my boyfriend passed away. I have been taking it day by day with some days being better then others. 

Christmas sucks without him... 

The last two days I have had the hardest time sleeping, more so then usual. Anyone else can’t sleep ?

I haven't slept the same since he was gone.  I go to sleep but if I wake up I can't go back to sleep, maybe two hours, maybe six, it is always different in spite of the fact I go to sleep at the same time.  Anxiety kicks in in the middle of the night.  I used to sleep so sound curled up in his arms... (sigh...)

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14 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I continue to pray for signs. I was praying to my husband’s photo and God. When i left my room i checked my phone and i had a message from someone who lost her husband 2 years ago. She said “ thinking of you today” she sent it at the same time i was praying for a sign. I’ll take it. Like all of you, I’ll be glad to put this day behind me! 

I'm glad for that!  That is special.

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10 hours ago, lovingstill said:

I've gotten some signs. Look out for coins with the year of his passing or year of birth as well as white feathers.

I never thought of looking for coins with his birth or death years.  Hmmm.  I think there are more signs than we realize, we maybe don't recognize them as such and should be on the lookout more.

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32 minutes ago, KayC said:

I never thought of looking for coins with his birth or death years.  Hmmm.  I think there are more signs than we realize, we maybe don't recognize them as such and should be on the lookout more.

I knew they were from him because they were two in one day -- one brand new (2017), the other looked older but it was a 2017 and it was upside down. There are signs everywhere. I recommend reading, "The Fun of Staying in Touching."

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This was the sky on a snowy day here. It didn’t make much sense but it was so beautiful I couldn’t help but take a photo.

They know when we’re sad and they do what they can to make sure we are moving forward, not that we want to. 

2D0DE214-5F49-4E4C-9EC2-3852636E20F7.jpeg

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I was up all night last night despite taking what I usually take to sleep.

I woke up this morning to head to the airport and the tears cane flowing - last time I was at this airport was with him, last time I flew was to come home right after he died. The week before, I was at a conference and I missed him so I came home a day early — he got me at the airport. My suitcase still had stuff from that day. Anticipatory anxiety I guess. Subconsciously, I knew all of this, but I wasn’t connecting the dots. It’s things I didn’t  expect to make me break down but it’s happening, and it feels like the first day all over again. :( 

 

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It has to be hard to go back to the airport again, remembering the last time, thinking of you, wishing you well at getting through this.

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12 hours ago, lovingstill said:

I knew they were from him because they were two in one day -- one brand new (2017), the other looked older but it was a 2017 and it was upside down. There are signs everywhere. I recommend reading, "The Fun of Staying in Touching."

Thanks for the suggestion! I want to start reading more about things like this for the new year. 

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13 hours ago, KayC said:

I haven't slept the same since he was gone.  I go to sleep but if I wake up I can't go back to sleep, maybe two hours, maybe six, it is always different in spite of the fact I go to sleep at the same time.  Anxiety kicks in in the middle of the night.  I used to sleep so sound curled up in his arms... (sigh...)

Night time is definitely the worst for me because there is no noise and nothing to do to distract me. 

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On 12/25/2017 at 6:24 AM, Jenn4 said:

It’s been 1 month and 5 days since my boyfriend passed away. I have been taking it day by day with some days being better then others. 

Christmas sucks without him... 

The last two days I have had the hardest time sleeping, more so then usual. Anyone else can’t sleep ?

I can't.  I'm sitting here replying to you at 4:06AM.

Christmas was incredibly hard.  It was the one year anniversary of losing my husband.  I did survive though.  A whole year.  But honesty I've had trouble with sleep since he died.

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Okay, no coins for me, I looked for 1954 and 2005 in my stack of coins...none.  Guess I'd better stick to rainbows and pansies and hummingbirds and dragonflies!

Stonesie, I'm glad for your sake that Christmas is past, it's hard enough to get through without it being their death day anniversary.  :(

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20 hours ago, Stonesie said:

I can't.  I'm sitting here replying to you at 4:06AM.

Christmas was incredibly hard.  It was the one year anniversary of losing my husband.  I did survive though.  A whole year.  But honesty I've had trouble with sleep since he died.

One year! I’m sorry for your loss.

You made it a whole year... sometimes I think... will I make it? I went grocery shopping today and all these things my bf liked or something we ate just kept popping up in the aisles. I ended up walking around the market for 2 hours... I went to buy cream cheese...

time moves so quickly and slowly at the same time for me... does that make sense? 

Hopefully you can catch up on some sleep.

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The time moving so fast yet so slow is true.

I feel like it was a while ago when everything happened. Which it has been almost a year... but at the same time... that reality hitting me knowing it will be one year soon is too fast. That doesn't seem right. Because it seems like that is too fast... when everything else seems to be going so slow. Just weird.

The one year mark... I dread that. It makes me think that this is the new reality. I have to live life knowing I'll be counting the years. It's not that I hate mourning -in a sense of remembrance- but just the fact that this is because he is not here with me instead ... that hurts. But one day at a time.

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9 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

The time moving so fast yet so slow is true.

I feel like it was a while ago when everything happened. Which it has been almost a year... but at the same time... that reality hitting me knowing it will be one year soon is too fast. That doesn't seem right. Because it seems like that is too fast... when everything else seems to be going so slow. Just weird.

The one year mark... I dread that. It makes me think that this is the new reality. I have to live life knowing I'll be counting the years. It's not that I hate mourning -in a sense of remembrance- but just the fact that this is because he is not here with me instead ... that hurts. But one day at a time.

I think of it like that Too..

i started counting the days, then weeks, and now Im counting the months... to count the years ... that really does make it the new reality. I finally made a keepsake box to keep some of his stuff in but I haven’t been able to open it since. It’s just letters and a shirt of his and random stuff.

i have his photo as a screensaver on my phone and every time I see it a part of me forgets that he’s gone. My phone buzzed earlier today and I looked down and saw his face... I thought he was calling before reality hit me that he wasn’t. 

Time is passing so slow and fast that I don’t know how to process everything. I’m hoping that the new year will bring me some peace.

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On 12/28/2017 at 12:59 AM, Jenn4 said:

One year! I’m sorry for your loss.

You made it a whole year... sometimes I think... will I make it? I went grocery shopping today and all these things my bf liked or something we ate just kept popping up in the aisles. I ended up walking around the market for 2 hours... I went to buy cream cheese...

time moves so quickly and slowly at the same time for me... does that make sense? 

Hopefully you can catch up on some sleep.

I still have constant memories pop up everywhere I go, but I am finding they are nice in a way.  It makes it so he still feels very real, if that makes any sense.  Of course there are still the memories of the end and of course those aren't great.  But the others can be good in a way.

You will make it.  Tackle only one day at a time...and be okay with yourself if a day is just too hard to completely tackle and do what you can.

Time has felt weird for me all year long.  Like I have no real sense of it like I used to.  I hope and expect that will eventually improve.

Sleep is still a thing for me...

Take care of you!

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On 12/27/2017 at 1:56 PM, KayC said:

 

Stonesie, I'm glad for your sake that Christmas is past, it's hard enough to get through without it being their death day anniversary.  :(

Me too!  As painful as it was... it almost feels like a badge or something... I made it, survived. (there really have been times where I've thought about not surviving, glad I haven't chosen that)

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On 12/25/2017 at 5:57 PM, Lisaislost said:

my husband died in his sleep next to me on 11/06/2017. We have 2 daughters ages 17 and 18. We were “his girls”.  I can’t picture my future without him. Praying for you all! 

Thinking of you.  That must be incredibly hard.

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4 hours ago, Stonesie said:

As painful as it was... it almost feels like a badge or something... I made it, survived.

That's how I felt at my one year mark.  We did what we hadn't thought possible.

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