She’s gone now can’t handle it

[Amarumane]

I’ve taken care of a stray cat here at my place for  a long time she never left our area every day I fed her and heard her little meow every time I opened my door to feed her  I looked forward to seeing her every time i opened my door she didn’t want inside so I made her warm spot on my porch I remember the first time I laid out some sweaters for her she was purring and cuddles up into them tonight someone knocked on our door and said and a cat was dead right in front of our place my boyfriend didn’t want me to go outside but I had to know if it was her it was she was half in a puddle her face was bloody and her eyes were open lying there dead I kneeled down to touch her and It broke me to see her lying there dead I’ll jever forget how she looked we burried her with the things I gave her to keep warm before and now I feel like it’s my fault what if I had filled the bowl outside with water would she have gone in the road to drink from a puddle what if she was looking for food because I had yet to feed her this day I will never hear her when i open my door I won’t be able to feed her and pet her idk if she died quick or suffered I don’t want to go outside and not see her on my porch yelling at me even though I know she isn’t there I’ve been checking and opening my door to hope for a miracle she will be standing there I feel like I don’t want to go on this cat was my life for so long every day she was there now she’s gone forever I can’t stop crying and I miss her so much already and idk what to do I’m just so broken whether it’s sickness or this I have lost a few close to my heart pets in such a short amount of time. I feel guilt anger sadness so many things idk how to cope how do i get through this feeling of guilt and loss and get through the last image in my head of her how do i get through not seeing her anymore I need support and words I have nothing left in me but sadness 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I know you're hurting and will continue to miss her.  We come to love these little cats so much, I think we get back more than we could ever give them.  Yet you gave her a good life, she was possibly somewhat ferral is why she didn't want to come inside, but even so you got through to her and she let you take care of her.  I had one like that too once only she didn't let me pet her.  I named her PeekaBoo because she always peeked around the corner at me, but she looked to me for help and I fed her and cared for her.

Your "what ifs" and seeming guilt are a common grief response, it's as if we're trying to come up with a different possible outcome.  The truth is it likely would have been the same outcome regardless of what we did or didn't do.  I hope these articles are of help to you, they explain it better than I could.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[AJWCat]

I am SO sorry to read about your cat and the horrible loss you have suffered.

I know you feel broken. It is very traumatic to go through what you have and seeing her the way that you did. It is so easy to beat yourself up over all the unanswered questions. It is absolutely not your fault - it is tough living outdoors for cats. You were very loving and kind for so much of her life, try to focus on that. I know it will be very difficult and that you miss her very much. We all feel as you do. We totally understand how awful this is. They became a part of each and every day and bring such joy. When we lose them it is losing a big piece of joy from our lives. I am truly sorry for your loss.