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TJ's mom

can't move forward

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Hi I'm new here and don't know where to start , I'm stuck and can't move forward,

So angry and sad all at the same time  my son was murdered by his abusive xgirl friend and her new husband , still waiting for the trial .and so tiered of hearing you need to move forward.

I haven't even gotten to mourn my son yet.

 

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TJ's mom, I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your son. I know these words get to be just background noise after hearing them so often but as another grieving parent they are heartfelt.  The hardest thing a parent has to face is the loss of their child no matter what the age or circumstances.  Grief throws things at you and you just don't know where to turn. You are a grieving mother.  You have found a way to put one foot in front of the other for almost a year. I understand that sometimes those steps are pretty shaky and maybe there are more steps back than what you would like but somehow, some way you have survived. No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, repeat and throw in some sorrow and despair..... a grieving parent makes their way.  The path is never straight.  You have come to a good place where you will find kind, comforting people here who understand this loss. I will say as I have said many times that these kind people have helped me on my grief journey. Please come and post on the Loss of a Child---Loss of an Adult Child forum.  Go to the last page and you will find the active posts.  This is the most active forum and we all use that---no matter what the child's age--- so that  we are heard.  Please do not hesitate to join us. The first year of grieving a child is like no other and can be equated to a thought you deem too unbearable to think. You are coming up on holidays as well as TJ's angel date.  It is a rough time. You do not have to do this alone.

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diane is right we both post on loss of an adult child as it is the most used thread with daily posts and answers. I am sorry for the loss of your son such a vile action to take against an ex partner. trials take a long time so you will have to be patient while waiting for justice. There is no time limit on grief those around you that are suggesting you move forward are deluded. grieving is a long process and no one ever gets over losing their child. There is always a family member missing

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I’m also new my best friend daughter had an unexpected heart attack had just turned 47. She has been my life we did everything together she never had children and only married 5 years ago

can not get control of crying

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louvain every loss seems impossible to survive so being unable to stop crying is so normal. 47 seems so young, and unexpected deaths are so difficult to process because they come out of the blue and knock you sideways with the shock. Just take it one small step at a time and focus on that one step don't try to process the big picture yet it is too daunting. take care and post more when you feel able to.

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Thanks, she was healthy loved her work and highly respected 24 days in Icu 3 specialist teams called it Takabutso also known as broken heart syndrome . It’s just been 3 months seems like forever everyone is busy with Christmas,  is even more lonely with everyone off with family. I just can’t visualize life without her

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are you not with family over the holidays? Or could you see her family since you were so close? They will need someone close who really gets it as a lot of people don't. broken heart syndrome is fairly rare did she have any genetic heart issues that would have caused her heart to fail? i am sorry you lost your friend i hope you had time with her in the ICU? It will seem like forever for a long time. Time itself plays tricks the days drag but then suddenly you realise a week or two has just flown by. I never knew what day or date it was I got totally lost in a breakdown when my son was killed in 2015 and did not resurface until early this year. Still seems hard to believe he has really gone although I know he has. You are very new to grief the first year of firsts is really hard and the second is also very hard because the reality that they are really really gone hits all over again. The years after are also sad because you have lost someone who meant a lot to you but as time goes by and you work on your grief it becomes lessened. Take it slowly and allow your feelings thoughts and emotions to surface. Holding them in is very bad as they will resurface at a later time and cause difficulties. The holiday is nearly done now one down New Year still to go.

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Thank you she was my daughter, we had a very close relationship spent every Christmas together for 46 years we are a very small family my closest friends are. With their families for Christmas.  No she had no previous history never sick, very seldom is it fatal. We had top specialists for 24 days she never regained consciousness.  I am finding people say very hurtful things although I know they don’t understand what they are saying.  I have a son her brother only sibling  he is also struggling and we are each other’s support, he has children but they want it happy for Christmas.  Yes soon this holiday will be gone I will seek help in the new year it’s just to get through now 

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I hear you have to learn to cope and move on. I don’t want to think of moving on as I want to hold her close, easier to see few people.  I keep thinking my blessing is I am not young and won’t have to live long before I can join her

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louvain grieving and learning to live without a loved one is a form of coping. You can always hold her close she is by your side always. Moving on takes a long time for most people. Moving on is not about forgetting it is about being able to learn to keep them in your heart and being able to continue with living. It means not isolating yourself, not breaking down in tears constantly, being in control of your emotions in a normal way ie not pushing them down inside or remaining numb and uncaring about anything. It has to be learned like anything else it takes time to learn and adjust to a different way of life to cope well without that huge gap in your life. It is also normal when grieving to wish your life ends soon so you can be reunited with your loved one but that is not reality. We go when it is our alloted time even though we may wish we were not left behind. Good people are often taken too soon that is one of life's cruelties. My son was only just 24 when he was killed and I have struggled to make sense of that and cope with living. No one has all the answers we cope differently at different times there are ups and downs along the way. Most people also want to know "why?" and there is rarely a satisfactory answer. I assume I am supposed to be here to try and help others with their grief. Tommy's oldest best friend died suddenly age 26 in November this year, now they are together  again and i guess I am needed to help my friend sharing what i have learned so far. I don't really know either.

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I have always wanted the Christmas season to be over as I imagined it would be a very difficult time for a lot of people, we would reach out to try and make the season a bit easier for a few people.  I never imagined I would be in this "group", every day is a reminder of what my daughter and I would do, for 46 years we did everything together.  I just can not stop crying.

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sorry louvain I misunderstood you that she was your daughter. losing a child even as an adult breaks your heart and that pain is forever inside because we grew them inside our body and each child is literally a piece of us besides sharing half of our DNA. That umbilical cord never breaks it becomes invisible as they grow up and become adults themselves. My son was 18 and my daughters 20 and 22  when they lost their elder brother they grieve in their own individual ways. Although they do not talk much about him the sorrow breaks through from time to time usually in a phone call when something has happened to remind them or because of a date. They are all close and help each other out despite living in different cities. If you post on the loss of an adult thread you will meet other bereaved Mums and dads and get to know their stories and families. I am glad you will look for some help in the New Year because losing a child is so difficult to cope with physically and mentally and it is good to have someone impartial that you can bare your thoughts to without them becoming upset. i can tell my counsellor how i am feeling which I cannot always do to my family because they would worry about me. It is incredibly helpful. take care

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